I'm new to this so not sure what to expect, but at least I think I'll feel better venting

I've been married 19 years to a woman I met while stationed in England with the Air Force. I was nearly 21 and she was nearly 20 at the time.
We now have 3 kids ages 14, 11, and 9.

My story is so long and twisted I could write a small book, so I'm not even sure how to summarize it.

Basically my wife had not worked from 1987 until this past summer 2002. Over those years she raised the kids while I worked (serious resentment on her part from this I now know).
Over the years she also had numerous animals including 4 dobermans (2 at a time), up to 12 horses and 60 goats at one point, rabbits, chickens, ducks, cats, dogs and tropical fish.
Basically the animals have always come first. Although she did not work she spent most of her free time working with the animals. The animals were a financial loss the entire time. Over the years we had accumlated up to $35,000 in debt twice. The first time a second mortgage took care of it, the second I was forced into bankrupcy.
Throughout this time she did not keep the house up. Although I was working full time, if I did not keep it up, it would have looked like those places you see on "COPS" where the druggies live.
She also became addicted to the chat line for about 3 years. A new passion where she was on for most of her waking hours while I was assigned to Korea on a remote tour for a year.
This addiction led her to new internet lovers which she exchanged pictures with and words that I would have to say should have only been reserved for her spouse. She didn't make an effort to hide it until I made a big deal out of it.
Then she got involved in some Dom/sub stuff that includes bondage and other things that some people on here may know about. D/s is the abbreviation normally used. I don't have any interest in it at all, but she claims, that is who she is.
I finally gave here an ultimatum to get off the chat line and disassociate herself from these freaks or our marriage is over. This was at the beginning of January this year.

My current situation is not good. I am very resentful about the bankrupcy and all the bills the animals have racked up over the years. I am very resentful about the chat lovers and the D/s life she now seems to like. She got a tattoo last year symbolizing this, and whenever I see it on her thigh it instantly makes me mad. I am very resentful that she has never kept the house up, and it still falls mainly on me to keep up. She once told me that we have different standards of what looks okay. I want a clean uncluttered house and she doesn't mind if it looks like trailer trash. Isn't there a happy medium?
She now works making about $800-$900 a month. The majority of it goes to the animal upkeep. So the money I earn pays all other bills. We barely make ends meet and I am very resentful that I can't do more for myself or the kids.
If I had no kids I have no doubts that I would have ended this marriage after the on-line affairs combined with the years of accumulated animal debt, and years of putting up with the trashed house.
All of my friends ask me why I put up with it and I told them that I feel obligated to give the kids a 2 parent household since my parents divorced when I was 5.
I have no doubt the kids would choose to live with her if we split because I am the one who has to be the disciplinarian most of the time. She lets them do what they want, so I know they would choose her.
I have no problem giving her half of my military retirement, and a third of my pay, but I know she could not support the kids and her animals on the money I send combined with her pay.
She would have to sell some of her 9 horses, and 30 goats, and 10 dogs, and 3 cats, because she couldn't afford a place with acreage like we now have.
She and the kids would hate me for leaving them and forcing her to get rid of her beloved animals, so here I am.
I do love her but am not in love anymore. I do not want to spend the rest of my days just getting by while the animals come first.
I used to be so-so about the animals, but now I resent them so much that I want none. They seem to me to be the root of our financial woes, and there is no end in sight. I know I will be the one who has to work and do the housework from now on if I want the place kept up, and I know she wants to go back on the chat line and hang out with her freak friends, so she resents me for that.
I'm only hanging on for the kids at this point. I believe I'm going through a mid-life crisis, which may be what this is all about, or it may be that after all these years I have decided I just don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not sure.
I have been reading through this site and have found some useful information, but I think when people try to reconcile it is because they want to make it work. My wife wants it to work out between us, but I do not. As of now I plan to hang around till the youngest is in his late teens or out of the house.
I'll be 48 by then and probably too old to start a new relationship. I'll also feel guilty for leaving my wife.
Some days I think it would have been easier if I would have let her internet affair run its course without my interference, and she would have left me, then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to make the split.

could be worse - you could have a wife that traveled for work and you could have wanted out so bad that every time she left I had thoughts about a plane crash setting me free. So, why, when she told me about her affair, didn't I bail out, since it gave me a "legitimate" excuse? Well, the bottom line is that I didn't want to - so maybe you ARE worse off. However, the biggest thing that held me is that she wanted to work on it. If she wasn't giving up, I wouldn't either, even though there were times I wanted to. You have issues with infidelity, even if she did not have a physical affair, but it seems to me they are just a symptom of a really bad marriage. Harley's books and questionaires were what gave us the tools to fix our marriage. I do not think hanging around until the kids leave is a good idea, unless you are willing to actually improve your marriage. Having a better relationship with my wife has had a huge positive impact on my kids, AND, maybe even more importantly, we are finally giving them an example of what a good marriage should look like. So, I will not encourage you to stay in the marriage you have. I want to encourage you to change it into a good one.

You can do it. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's (click on the grey "Q&A" right below the "E" in MARRIAGE at the top of this page, and read everything Harley has written there that applies to you. Then buy and read “Fall in Love, Stay in Love”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “FIL/SIL”) available at the Bookstore. It is the best book I know of for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like (the Basic Concepts section of this site is sort of like the Readers Digest version) My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read Harley's books and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

I understand that there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your wife and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, a great marriage IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through these boards, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

For the financial matters, I would tell you if you haven't heard of him, you need to check out Dave Ramsey and read his book "Financial Peace Revisited". His website is www.daveramsey.com. If your wife really wants to work this out with you, she should be willing to follow the steps necessary for financial freedom. I can testify to this program. I paid off $34k in debt in 20mos. Try it, it works.

Thanks for the info. I will be reading all over this site to get as much info as possible and will probably get some of the books. Hindsight is definitely 20-20 and its now kicking my butt, even though I shouldn't let it.

Bruce

Forty eight is NOT TOO OLD for a new relationship!

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