My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have 2 wonderful kids 6 and 1. We recently return from a weeks vacation and I notice that her cell bill was higher than normal. Which was not to much of a suprise because both of our jobs were always calling. When I ask her about it she just said that it was work related. No problem. A few days later her cell ring and she was in the the other room with the kids so I grab the phone in order for her not to miss the call, when I answers the phone and told the caller to hold one, he hung up. I was able to see the name of the caller because she had it program in her phone. I told her that she had miss a phone call from "so and so" and she said that it was a technician from work and that she was going to be in the office soon so she would talked to him them. Again no problem it seen perfectly logical to me. 2 days later she told me that she had a friend at work that she had been talking to and that it was completly innocent. I ask her if it was the guy who call the other day and she said that it was. At that point I started wondering, because the more I put together the clues the bigger the picture was getting. The following day she told me that they had kiss on two occations and gone out to lunch a few times. She told me that the first time it was a total suprise because he iniciated. She told me that it had only been going on for about 3 weeks and her cell phone records tend to proof that. She told me that she had realice that she made a mistake and the she call it off. She also said that they only kiss and that was it, which I'm not so sure ( Maybe just being a typical male). With the cell phone records I was able to get the guys cell number and I already knew his name from the time he hung up when he call. So I call him and told him that I knew that he was married and that I didn't care what kind of relationship he had with his wife, but that I love my and I wanted him to say away from her. He apoligiest and told me that he never ment to come between our marrieage and that she indeed call it off and told him that she love me and she was not willing to give up what our marriage had created. She told me that she just got caught in the spur of the moment. That she knows that I love her, and that I full fill all her needs. It was that she was suprise that someone else thought that she was attractive and that was what she got carried away. She has assure me that it is over and that she can not imagine loosing me. None of us can afford to change jobs right now, so she still works with him in different departments but same company. I love my wife and I don't don't want to loose her, I just don't know how to react or do.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: hurt_husband ]</small>

While it's a shame that it even went to kissing...your W did do what most WS do not do, she came to you, told you what had happened and ended it on her own without any pressure from you! THAT'S GREAT!!!!

The WS does often get "in over their heads" without realizing where their "friendship" is leading. Stupid, but it does happen all too often. The best part is that she didn't just keep "treading water", thinking she'd make it back to "shore" and she'd be able to handle this on her own.

She confessed to you what had happened, she made it plain to the OM that their friendship had crossed into areas which were damaging to her marriage. And she ended it!!

You took control by confronting OM telling him your position, he backed up what your W had already told you. Not bad at all.

I'd be willing to bet that it did NOT go any further then a couple of kisses, as if it had, I doubt it would have played out in this manner.

NOW...what to do??? Do the Her Needs/His Needs questionaire on this site. See if there are some areas where you two have not been on the same page and what areas you need to work on. While there may well have been a lapse in communication, it sounds as if the two of you do actually communicate fairly well, since she felt safe enough to come to you with her poor choices in the past. GREAT!!!

Read over what this site has to offer...it's got a lot of valuable insight and can hopefully help both of you deal with whatever issues you two have which need a little improvement.

Good Luck!!!

Hello, Im fairly new here myself,But I totally agree with just a wifey, she was honest enough to come to you and tell you what happened between her and the OM and that took a lot in order for her to come to you with that.I was in the same boat as you, my husband cheated on me with a co-worker of his, gave her a ride home meaning nothing she came on to him and I guess that made him feel good, shortly after that they were together twice and then he ended it. He told me about her but didnt tell me the whole story until I found out on my own. But I think that her willing to come to you and bring it out in the open is a very big step.I think that you have to look at that and be very glad that she did come to you and tell you everything before it really got out of control. Not that kissing someone is even better but at least she told you before it went to far.That is a plus! Good Luck to you, I hope that it all works out for the both of you!

Wow, we have very similar stories. Mine is even worse because the A was with my Brother in Law, but it is still sad regardless. I found out the same way, I saw his name on her cell phone and at first she denied it and said it was nothing, but I had that gut feeling that there was more. I eventually found out that they were meeting in mornings/afternoons and engaging in sexual activities.
I pray she told you everything! But like you my wife says she loves me and I hope thats enough. There is no easy way to cope with an infidelity and I pray that with time you will be able to "cope" a little easier.
God Bless

Just a Wifey:
I never told my wife that I spoke with the OM. Do you think I should just leave it like that? I'm sorry that I'm asking you all this questions, but I'm trying to see it from her point of view (women point). I know is is upset about the whole situation because everytime I bring it up she gets emotional. Up to this point we have had a very good communication between us. Unfortunately this as damage that, but we are working on it. How would you suggest that I keep aproching the subject or should I just drop it and act like nothing happen.

OK...brutal honesty here! More then likely your W already knows. Even tho she called it off before confessing, I'd be willing to bet this man told her you spoke to him. I could be wrong, but I wouldn't bet on it.

THEREFORE...rather she knows or not...Yes, I'd tell her. If you don't bring total honesty back into the marriage, you can't very well expect her to do so. If she's waiting for this "other shoe to drop"...then let it drop! You need to be as honest as you want her to be.

No, I wouldn't try to sweep this under the rug and just pretend that it never happened. If you do, it's likely to began eating at the foundation of your marriage. Better to get it all out and really discuss what the two of you need to do to make sure this type of thing never happens again.

As to how to approach your W that varies with the individual. I like the direct approach...telling H I have something to discuss about "that" time. I try to do this in as calm and rational way as possible. Really, even when touched upon (his affair), it's not normally the affair I wish to talk about, but side issues (which are much more important to rebuilding then the issue of his affair)...even tho the first words out of my mouth are about the affair.

It really sounds as if you have few questions needing answers about that time. You're W has been honest and told you what she was feeling...that's a big plus!

Have you considered some marriage counseling to get the two of you over the hump and on the right path, one who is VERY pro-marriage? Even when we have a strong marriage and committment to each other, a little bit of guidance to help us avoid some of the pitfalls and point out some options which may be staring us in the face can be very productive.

Good Luck!

Just a Wifey;
I do have alot of questions. We have not consider counceling yet, because we have been discusing it almost every night. We have a great marriage, in seven years married we have never had a single fight, and I think that is why this has hit me so hard. I dont have any foundation on how to reach. The other day a send her 2 dozen roses to her work and later that night we put the kids to bed and retreated to our room. We have a large garden tube in our master bath that we fill up with some aroma therapy stuff and fill the room with candles and had soft music and a nice bottle of wine, and we talk for over 3 hours. I did most of the talking that night, basically I explain that I was very hurt and that she had violated my trust. That I truely believe that we could work this out. I told her that the biggest thing was that we needed to work on rebuilding our trust, and that would take more than word, it would require actions on a everyday basis. Since the OM works with her they talked last monday and she told him again that it was over and that he needed to go talk to his wife. She basically said that she told him that they would address themself as co-workes in a professional manner since they had to work together. I told her that I wanted to make sure that I get a change to forfill all her needs and that I didn't want any secrets. I told her that I wanted to know if the OM did not get the message and try to pursued anything else. She told me that she would let me know of ANY communication between the both of them. We also came to the conclucion that since we children come we really had not had a change to be us, and we are working on going out more often, finding out little weekend get aways, etc. My biggest problem is that I wantto trust her again, devils advicate keeps making me wonder if she is really being truthful when she says its over. I think I have done everything on my part to show her that we will make it, I might keep asking her some questions in order to help mw rebuild my trust on her. I think I may have gone overboard a little with my showing her my love. I wanted to make sure that she knew that I still love her, like I mention sending the rose, getting her cards, the bath scenerio was my idea.