Should a spouse continue a friendship that began when we were separated?

My story: met when we were 16, together 25 years, married 23 years, separated a few times. Basically, I took on most of the responsibilities and he was slow to mature (I take my share of the blame here). Our final separation was last summer (2 months). We had reached a crossroads where he ordered a motorcycle without my knowledge, let alone enthusiastic agreement. This was after many years of spending and denial that there was a problem.

After counseling (individual), we reconciled in September. I was aware there was a friend in the picture. I found a few emails, innocent in appearance, but he had saved them so I wondered. I didn't think much of it until just after the holidays, when we were in the same bar as the friend. A friend of mine pointed her out. For the rest of the evening I observed my H acting very uncomfortable.

I didn't confront him until a month later, when we were going to that same bar (he plays in a band there about once a month). I decided that I needed to know where his heart was at. So I told him I had heard that he was still in contact with her. He didn't deny it - in fact, he said it had been eating at him, and it didn't feel right, but he didn't know how to end it. I told him that his behavior was hurting me, and hurting his friend by leading her on all these months.

We've had quite a few discussions about this. I have asked him to have NC with her. He hasn't kept that promise for more than a week at a time. He says not to worry, he is where he wants to be. I believe that, because all of his actions prove that (except one).

I told him this morning that I will stop worrying when he stops feeling the pull from her.

Any advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated

Misty --

Welcome to MB. Short answer to your lead question: No, especially since the spouse's partner (you) is very uncomfortable with that friendship.

Long answer: A partnership doesn't need total agreement on everything that affects it, but it must have concord on the major issues--this is a major issue! Just the very fact that his continued contact upsets you--and it should!--is the only reason necessary for it to stop.

Aside from that, the contact is inappropriate on a number of levels, mainly that it is an extra-marital relationship, forged during your separation and continued into the present day. You are well within your rights to insist upon NC and H needs to honor your wishes. He should want to on his own, but apparently that's not happening. H is playing with fire and both of you easily could be burned.

Your statement, "I will stop worrying when he stops feeling the pull from her," is a good one, a sensible one, and one that H needs to hear. While resolution probably isn't quite that simple, it is an excellent place to start.

I assume that this "friend" surfaced during the summer separation. Even if OW has been around longer than that, it's way past that time and you're not going to begin to feel comfortable or secure until she's out of the picture completely. Neither will your marriage. It's good that H "didn't feel right" about her but he's got to do more than just talk about it. He doesn't know how to end it? You can help with that and so can we!

H cannot continue to put her feelings above yours. Who's more important here? Having NC for no longer than a week isn't a commendable track record. He's got to do much better than that. How about NC forever?

You've got a good hold on the situation and only H's stubborness is preventing progress and growth for you and for your relationship. You've said and done the right things and made your concerns clear. Whether or not H picks up the ball will tell you a lot about his commitment and his sense of right and wrong. What's the right thing for him to do? End it, yesterday! It's that simple...

We wish you the best with this. It really is doable and worth doing, especially given you significant 23-year marriage. Post again and let us know how this is going. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

Thanks for the support - this is really eating at me. Other than this "shadow" hanging over us, our relationship is stronger and we are happier than ever.

I was thinking about the issue this morning, and I saw a pattern. Throughout our relationship, my H has struggled with doing what he wants vs. doing the right thing. This has come out time and again. When he finally does do the right thing, it's usually because his back is against a wall (usually me having reached the end of my ropes).

I find my fear of his resentment is stopping me this time, in addition to the fact that he should do this on his own, not because I pushed for it.

Thanks again and I will keep you posted.

Update: This morning my H said he knows what he needs to do to get us past this. I'm optimistic, but careful to not get my hopes up. He tells me he only wants me, but I told him I need more than words to confirm that.

I think about it every day, and I'm sick of it. I'm so afraid this is going to change things between us, if he doesn't stop contact with her.

I've read other, similar postings here and I know I'm on the right track. I have been reading about EN, LB, and have printed out the Q for us to complete together. He is very willing to work on us, which is a good thing.

Thanks once again for letting me vent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Misty --

It's already "changed things" between you two. The question is can you and your marriage grow and benefit from those changes.

Patterns can be changed; past behaviors don't have to be present ones. What you've said about H's recommitment are good things and show positive realizations for him. You're right (smart, savvy, cautious) to take in moderation what you're hearing from him; now he's got to walk the walk.

Not sure how you two can be "happier than ever" with the OW remaining in the picture (he says, gently). Is this "elephant under the rug" being brushed aside or ignored on purpose? To avoid conflict? To pretend that everything's all right?

As I recall, OW is the reason you wrote to us in the first place, the main thorn in your side. Maybe everything else is going well, but you certainly are immensely troubled by this fundamental issue; it needs addressing and repairing immediately before it further erodes your marital wellbeing. Both of you know what needs to be done...

You are certainly on the right track and it's great to hear that H is willing to work on things. Do those questionaires and set up a plan to act on them as well. Misty, this is fixable but it could be a long and bumpy road. Let us walk with you on it--we've "been there." Vent anytime about anything or nothing--one of the great joys of this board--just writing it down and getting it out is a big help!

Hang in there, Misty. Remember that we're here for you...

Ammon

We talked again this weekend, and my H has agreed to NC. He found out on his own that his contacting OW is not doing ANYONE any good.

What I meant by my marriage being "better than ever": we are spending lots of time together, talking, exercising, building a shed, going to the movies, etc.

I feel that I have done what I can at this point. He knows what he needs to do.

Thanks again.

Misty --

Yes!!! Voluntary NC is THE way to go. Self-realization that contact with OW is helping no one is a major breakthrough for you both. This is wonderful news and I'm very pleased that your journey to recovery has taken this significant direction.

Also very glad to see that you two are doing so many "healthy" things together. What your relationship needs now is the stability and comfort provided by a newly reconstituted friendship and your combined activities will go a long way toward that reestablishment.

H indeed "knows what to do" at this point and it sounds like he's doing it. You have sown the seeds well but you will not be able just to stand back and await the harvest. You have to stay involved in the process, watering and nurturing and encouraging, all of which I know you will be able to do. In other words, you're not out of the woods yet but isn't it nice to be able to see the patches of sunlight through the treetops?

Thanks for your very positive update. I'm very happy for you. Keep us posted, expect some possible downturns and not-always-steady progress, keep your eyes focused on the broad picture and on your goal. Remember that we continue to be here for you...

Ammon

Hello again,
There is nothing new to report, except NC has lasted 10 days so far.

He feels very bad about the EA. He is doing romantic things: calling me at work, sending cards and emails, flowers, and telling me that he feels lucky that this EA has not caused him to lose me. All of that is VERY nice, together with spending time together, it feels like a honeymoon.

That said, I am not sitting back, just enjoying it. As nice as it is, I know we still need to keep working at the EN's. He needs lots of affection. I know that, and it's easy to do when things are going well. When they're not, I tend to withdraw. That's what I'm working on. I need security, so he's working on being responsible with money.

I believe we will make it. We were meant to be together, and we have the tools we need to mend things as they come up.

Misty

Misty --

Glad for your positive report. Some NC agreements don't last 24 hours so working on ten days for you guys is a feather in both your caps!

Sometimes an A provides the "wake-up call" that saves a marriage. Some marriages are able to emerge from this pain and darkness in much stronger health. What a price to pay, but what a gain. The adage "Don't waste your pain" certainly applies. What can you both learn from this? What can you gain? How can you grow? It's never the "mistake" so much as it is your reaction to it?

Just learning about each other's EN's and working with that knowledge is a great place to start improving your relationship. I'm very happy that H is pushing so many good buttons now with his "romantic things" for you. I too feel very positive about your recovery and I certainly wish you well with it.

Updates are encouraged. Post anytime, even if it's merely an NC day count; we'll take all the good news we can get around here. Hang in there, Misty,

Ammon

UPDATE:

It may be MC time. My H is still contacting OW after agreeing he would be honest with me about it. I want to just leave for a few days.

He says he's happier with me than he's ever been. But he does not admit his relationship is EA. That's his way of justifying it.

What do I do? Move to Plan B?

misty

Definitely, this is optimum time for Plan B. You still love him, you've been Plan A'ing, and he now knows how good your marriage can be. You've made major deposits in his Love Bank.

he's betrayed your trust by contacting the OW. The behavior is known as fence-sitting or cake eating. It can only go on as long as you stick around.

You're one leg of a triangle. Pull your support away. Refuse all contact, let him wallow in the "friendship" without the benefit of the secure marriage.

And, please counsel with the Harleys. And if you decide to take a break and go away from your H for a little while, post here for support.

The NC has to be done according to Harley formula. He needs to write and mail the letter. The EA is like a heroin addiction. He may not have been mainlining recently, but he's still "chipping" - getting little shots under the skin. An EA can't be tolerated, it saps the life out of the emotions in the genuine marriage.

What are you going to do?

Honestly, I don't know what I'll do. I spoke with him about it, and he says he's only contacting her because he feels guilty over continuing the friendship and leading her on, and he wants to make sure she's ok.

I keep encouraging him to leave it alone, and let her get over it, too. He's beginning to realize it gives her false hopes as well when he contacts her.

The reason I am hesitating about Plan B is that our kids are grown. Our daughter has moved away, our son is still living with us. So, for now, I am Plan A'ing, until something gives. Either continued NC, or the OW will get sick of not having him like she'd like, or I will decide enough is enough.

Thanks for listening. Ain't love grand?

misty