I have read about Dr. Harley'shonesty and openness but this one is still nagging me. Before I met my husband, I was an emotional wreck. During that time I had a one night stand with someone. While my husband and I were getting to know one another, I told him about the one night stand and that nothing really happened and that I couldn't go through with it. When I asked if he wanted to know the details, he said no. However recently after sixteen years of marriage, we've been having under great family strain due to our child's illness. The subject of the one night stand came up again at which time I told him that I had engaged in a sexual act but stopped short of finishing what I started. My husband now feels that I lied to him by not telling him the whole truth about the situation. He feels betrayed and angry and says he cannot trust me anymore and that I had an obligation to tell him everything before we got married. In my heart of hearts I do not feel that I lied to him. I feel that I told him the short version at one time and the long version later.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Well,a similar situation occurred with me, except that my wife specifically said that nothing happened when in fact it all happened. I learned of this about 11 years into my marriage.

For me, past s-x behavior was important. So, while we were dating, I asked.

She had told me that her prior husband was her only lover. So, I thought that, even though she did not act like a miss priss, she did not let things go too far and that she did in fact have emotional depth.

That I took that as fact also resulted in my giving her a very long leash in our marriage, so to speak. Some things occurred during our marriage which, if I knew the truth about her past, would have concerned me.

So, anyway, after I learned the truth (asked her one night point blank), I was very angry. I felt like I was manipulated into the marriage. That I wasn't given full information. That she "lied on her resume", so to speak.

For me, it has been a problem. I know now that my wife will lie, can do so for extended periods, and can engage in emotionally shallow behavior. I thought I married a different person than I did.

The structure of our marriage has changed. There is less trust. I have adopted a posture with her much as I imagine it would have been if I had known the truth from the beginning. She has a much shorter leash. I keep an eye on her now.

But I also respect the time that we have had together. I really do love her, and I think would have accepted her as my wife if she had told me prior to our marriage anyway.

Your husband may feel somewhat threatened by this. I have become much more demanding. It would have also helped if my wife had offered to discuss it (she squelched communication very early) and spent some time understanding it (she still does not understand fully what actually bothers me about the incident - the emotional shallowness of it).

Hope this helps. Good luck.

The only thing I can see myself being actually guilty of is using inappropriate words to express myself. If I wanted to hide something from him, why would I offer the details? He was the one who said NO. At the time, I felt safe knowing that what I told him was enough. Now he accuses me of hiding behind semantics and sounding like Clinton's impeachment trial and I should have insisted on telling him anyway.

BEFORE you met your H! That is not really his business. jmho While I do believe that honesty is important to any marriage and that past history should be included in that...details of our sexual life as to what exactly we did is going to extremes. jmho

PLUS...he said he didn't want any details! I can't imagine why you re-visited this issue 16 years later! But what's done is done.

Remind your H that at the time you first told him of this ONS...he said he didn't want details. So...you abidded by his wishes at that time. That's not lying, that's not betraying any trust. If he had wanted to know...he could have asked then...he didn't!

He's hunting really hard for something to point at about you. The real question is why he has a need to justify himself by digging up this long dead issue and making such a big issue of it. Something smells! And in my opinion...it's something he's hiding.

Thank you for your insight. That is exactly how I feel. I tried telling him already what you said but to no avail. He seems to be focussing only on his pain and anger. Forgiveness is not one of his strong points. I noticed that you are rebuilding yourself with your H. Question: how did you go about starting to rebuild the trust between you? I know that it may take years to do so. Even if we are successful, it will never be the same as it was, only different.

The rebuilding of trust does NOT lie solely on the shoulders of the WS. Yes, they must act and speak truthfully, they must be willing to do whatever is necessary for the BS to began reclaiming the loss of the sense of security, but there is more for the BS to understand and acheive.

You'll discover as the days go by that you'll second guess your "habit" trust...ie...he tells you something, you just believe it as you would have in the past...and then...you stop and wonder if you should have, is he lying??. Each time the BS does this and you check...and you will check...the trust in yourself to see the truth gains a foothold. You see, so much of the trust that the WS loses is tied into the trust we have in ourselves to see the truth. It's not all about what our spouse's do or don't do, but how we perceive ourselves.

Yes, the WS MUST be accountable and MUST be honest and truthful. But, we must not only be given the truth, we must know that it is the truth. This can be a very difficult time for our now truthful WS....as they know they are being honest, yet we doubt...them and ourselves.

The main thing is consistent behavior by the WS....and TIME (a word you will grow to hate). This doesn't happen overnight...but it can happen if both you and your spouse are committed to making it happen.

Get this! Now he says he was kidding when he said he didn't want to know. Excuse me, but wasn't that lying? Didn't HE have an obligation to me to tell me before this that he really did want to know instead of giving me a sense of false security and trusting that it was OK when it wasn't?

He says he's lost his wife and best friend and doesn't love me anymore. I keep telling him that I am right here. I'll I know is that I want my husband and best friend back no matter how long it takes. I want us all (with 4 children) to be a family again. In the grand scheme of things, this seems to be smaller than it has become. I know that he hurts from this which hurts me. How do you get/help someone to open their heart again to you and forgive, if not forget?

Now he says that he doesn't need to go to counselling. It's only me that needs to go to deal with my lying. Since we are not like other couples, why bother doing what other couples do? He seems to be stuck without being able to get past it without divorce.

He doesn't believe me when I tell him that I don't want conflict or barriers between us. I want to get past this and continue to grow with one another.

Any suggestions?