My husband of sixteen years has become adamant that he wants to have extramarital relationships with others. He also wants me to do the same. He says that the other relationships can make us richer people and bring more to our relationship. He also wants us to be honest with each other about the other relations we may have. I do not agree with this point of view. We have four children together. Our relationship is under a great strain at the moment. (We have one child who is very sick with a genetic disorder.) Trust is also an issue at the moment since we both have made our share of mistakes. We have decided to go right back to the beginning to rebuild what we have. I am also having a problem with having sex with him just for physical reasons as opposed to making love. I feel that including other relationships will complicate and potentially destroy our relationship as it stands right now. He says that consenting extramarital relationship will help with the trust issue. He also wants me to have another baby (#5). I don't want to end my marriage but am in between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

Do I consent or not? Are extramarital relationships ever OK and beneficial to a marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are extramarital relationships ever OK and beneficial to a marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. Ending them can be. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I consent or not? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not if you don't want to (or if you want to have a good marriage).

Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then come back with more questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says that the other relationships can make us richer people and bring more to our relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is only because he has no idea what a good sex life should look like. Read "Passionate Marriage" by Snarch, together.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Now he wants me to advertise for another individual to have sex with us with whom we can participate and/or watch. He says that will go a long way to rebuilding trust. He says that with him there we can both become more complete persons by doing this with the safety and support of each other in the room.

Any suggestions?

Is this guy for real?

SAB...don't know if I'm going to be any help at all...but...JMHO

I'd ask my H if he had lost his ever loving mind because as long as he was married to me...this would NEVER be a topic of discussion every again...Sex outside of our marriage with anyone...will never be acceptable in any shape, form, manner. I would NEVER agree! There would be no more discussion. This to me is a deal breaker! If he wants other partners, wishes for me to have other partners....I'll find my own when I am divorced and damn good and ready to find someone with my values, not someone he wants to push onto me. And watch or be watched???? YUCKIE!

If you don't want this in your life...make a stand! (btw...I'd be willing to bet money that he's already "sampled" some form of that life style. Could be wrong, but this didn't come out of nowhere. jmho)

All I'll say is this. My wife has a friend who has told my wife that she'd like to sleep with me. My wife told me about this over dinner and a bottle of wine a couple weeks ago. My wife told me that we had been together a long time, and I should sleep with her. She said it would be ok because it would be just sex, and she would know about it, and I deserve it. I told her that as appealing as that sounds, I think it's a really bad idea. Do you know what my wife had done a week prior to this conversation? She had slept with someone else. Her conscience was getting to her, and she thought this would make her feel better. Even the score, so to speak. I've learned a couple things in the last few days.

1. There is no place for sex outside of marriage. I knew that before, but it is 1000 times clearer now.
2. An offer like my wife's, or your husbands, is a giant red-flag that something may have already gone wrong.

I'm with justawifey in that my gut tells me he's either done something already, or he has something lined up and he's looking to do it with a clear conscience. Either way, it's a disaster waiting to happen. My uneducated advise would be to try and get help immediately. Your marriage may be tetering on the brink of real problems. Good luck to you, but trust your gut. Don't do something like this if you don't want to.