Hello, I happened across this site while looking for marriage help online. My story is kinda long so I'll jump right in.
My wife and I were h.s. sweethearts, she was my first girlfriend, I was her first serious. We got married after high school. We got a house, and things seemed good. Two years into the marriage I, for whatever reason, decided to join the military. I spent two months in basic and decided it was a mistake. (Several reasons for that). I got out, and came home.
Things seemed to change when I got back. Maybe she felt confident being on her own. I don't know. She was upset I quit, but in the end she has said it was the right thing. She said she would cry, b/c I wasn't there and she was alone, and I only thought of her the whole time we were apart. Anyhow, after that I got into a dead-end job. She started taking college classes, and eventually I did too. Things were rocky, and I attributed it to being young, immature, and new to marriage. At one point, we even jokingly disscused divorce, but neither were REALLY serious about it, it was just an "easy out."
Fast forward 12-18 months, things are blah, and we decide to move to Florida, as our small hometown was leading us nowhere. Also, her mom had moved there shortly after I left for basic.
We get moved, and have to stay with in-laws until our house gets sold. (Still hasn't) But, they're really good people, so it's not too bad. We both finally get settled, but I work 8-5, and she is 3rd shift, 11-7, so we have little together time, and no private time together. Not that it's a major deal, as sex is only a 4-5 time a YEAR issue now. I realized just today that I'm most likely giving the impression I always want sex when we do get together, and I think it's been a major part of the problem.
She tells me about a guy she works with who is into a hobby I'm interested in getting into. She wants to make friends, and for me to also. She introduces him, he seems nice enough, but I'm of the mindset that men adn women cant be "just friends" so I dont trust him. Later on, I catch her instant messaging him late at night. (granted its like afternoon for her) but as I walk into the room, she clicks it off suddenly, as if I shouldn't see it. Plus, she has created a new username I was unaware of, so I ask her why shes hiding it. Of course she says she isn't. Shes defensive by now, that she "isn't doing anything wrong." So I let it go. few days later I find an email in an extra account she has (again I didn't know about) simply saying "email me....today." I call her at work this time, as I'm quite upset, and she gets mad that I don't trust her, then starts crying, and wont discuss it right then. Granted she was at work. I tell her, I trust her, but she should be smarter than that, that it doesn't look good doing it like that. I have issues, I know.
We make love one day, as shes actually willing. (always been a problem since we got married), and it's the best probly ever, except she starts crying afterward, adn things didn't feel "kosher" physically. It definitely didn't seem like it had been 3-4 months, physically, since the last time, if you get my drift. Again, my mind is full of doubt/questions.
Fast forward a week or two. Watching tv one evening, I ask her whats the matter, adn have to persist, b/c she won't open up to me anymore. I finally flat out ask if she wants a divorce, b/c shes so distant anymore. She states that she thinks so, and that she has thought it over for a month, couldn't sleep, eat, and was sick b/c of it. By then I'm bawling. We keep talking, both crying, and she says she feels we've grown apart, she doesn't feel she loves me anymore in a husband type way, but I'll always be her best friend. (We've been through alot together.) Keeps telling me she didn't want to hurt me, and had wrestled with it for quite some time. I ask her why we made love the last time, and she said to prove she wasn't cheating. Well, it didn't necessarily accomplish that.
She wants me to go back to our hometown, but I refuse, as I'd give up everything to go back to nothing over her sudden change in heart. Next day she goes from being upset over hurting me to peeved I won't leave.
I ask if we could try to work it out and She agrees to seperate, and see how she feels, and maybe work things out. I ask her if she would see other people during, and she says maybe. I then retort, would you at least wait until we're actually divorced, to which she replys "sure."
I then talked to her mom, who's a great woman, to get her thoughts on it, and she was shocked and upset over it too. She had talked to her and said to try adn work it out, as I wasn't perfect, but was a good guy. From then on, things have been getting seemingly better, adn shes acting "normal" again. Saying I love you, kissing me, etc. But no sex. I haven't pushed it, as I want things to work, and it's been 2 months since that night. Shes still not really physically affectionate, as she hasn't been in a long time. Says she just isn't a touchy feely kind of person. So I don't know whether to think theres a possible A, be it physical or just talk, or if we both just need to get our act together in our relationship and grow up.
I want to share and experience everything in life with her. I love this woman more than anything, and the thought of losing her has forever changed me. Both for good and bad. Thats why I'm here, to try and make things right, and work out my own demons. But at the same time, I feel my trust has been strained, and all I think about is "Is she cheating?", or wonder what shes up to when were apart. But at the same time, there has been legitimate strain between us since before we moved and she met her new co-workers, so my head is spinning, and I'm just trying to keep from destroying things if I'm (hopefully) wrong about an A.
Thanks for listening to my inane ramblings, I feel a little better now. Soap operas have nothing on real life...
What are your thoughts/ideas?
<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: the_flash ]</small>
