I just found out about wy wife's latest and most devasting wayward act 2 weeks ago (Most devasting because it was an ongoing relationship not relegated to solely sexual encounters). I say latest because we've been through several stints inwhich she's been sexually unfaithful.

She says that she has cheated because I've looked at pornography. Is this true? Please be honest because I want to know how this stuff really effects her. She says that I really don't know how badly it effects woman in general.

Her explanation for cheating is that she had to prove to me and everyone else that she was as sexy as the woman in these magazines and videos.

Does pornography routinely lead woman down this path? Is this a legit explanation that I've been too dense to understand or does she have BIGGER ISSUES that she's not confronting?

Just so that you know, my viewing pornography has been sporadic...like every 5-6 years in our 16 year marriage. I'm not sure what triggers it but nevertheless I'm ashamed of it because it makes me feel dirty. And to top it off it's illogical in so many ways because my wife is amazingly beautiful and sexy.

Obviously there's a lot of detail that I don't have time to discuss right now, but I still need your take on this issue. So please help me understand how viewing this stuff can drive you woman to infidelity.

I'm not a lady but I can tell you that her excuse is absolutely lame. She is obviously trying to excuse her multiple betrayals by shifting the blame for her choices back to you.

This almost makes as much sense as using the 'twinkie' defense (too much sugar in the blood) for murdering people.

Your WW reminds me of my ex-Wife who had multiple affairs and tried to pass the blame for her choices on to me. Nobody put a gun to their heads and said to them 'thouh shalt be unfaithful to thine husbands'.

Do not let yourself get suckered into this obviously ridiculous attempt by her to shift the blame for her affairs back to you.

It can be said that while you engaged in fantasizing about pornography, SHE made pornography a reality.

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 01:12 AM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

There is no excuse for cheating.
Porn DOES hurt us very, very badley. It make us feel as though our man does not find us attractive, or moreso, thinks of us a mere blow up dolls to "do" while he fantasizes about the women in those pictures--those women that are "better than" us in your eyes.
It's like a slap in the face, and almost feel like a lie everytime you say that we are pretty when we know you've been playing with that stuff. No matter how secure the woman, we always have a tendancy to compare ourselves to other women. And in the case of our man, we definatly want to make sure that possible competition isn't better looking than we are. And (esp) when this porn junk is done is private like a big secret, well then the porn must be better than us (or the girls prettier) because you are in a weird sense cheating on us with it (her)...does that make sense? Furthermore, it makes us feel like an object..back to that whole blow up doll thing, instead of a valuable, beautiful person who's opinions and thoughts you truley appricate.

I know it may not make much sense to you; most men I know see no problem with porn and don't give a crap what women think about it. And I know most men do have a secret(or not so secret) porn stash somewhere. Some women learn to cope with it and in this effort a few even try to get you to include them in this stuff (I suspect it's so that they don't feel cheated on--because at least they are included). I am not trying to tell you that it is wrong; only what I an many women I know feel about the subject. Hope that helps.

However, that is a mere crutch your w? is using. If she really felt bad about it or betrayed by your use of it, a normal person would go and talk to you about it. Or heck, even tear it all up or delete it all to get their feelings across. But having an affair even if all this had been done is not justified. Don't blame yourself for her problems.

no it does not but it can be very disruptive and can hurt her very deeply .. if you are not taking care of business with her and in secret taking care of it with porno its very hurtful to her it might make her feel like you don't want her sexually she may feel, ugly, unwanted ,very unsexy, unattractive, and even may feel she is repulsive to you, the list can go on and on ... u get the picture.. if it is something that is shared with her to enhance your intimate contact with each other it may not be bad ,depending on how she feels about IT in general if its something that she is just plain opposed to then it should be avoided at all cost just out of respect for her feelings .... jmho <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: mystafied ]</small>

I agree with Mystafied. I also feel that if she isn't repulsed by the idea that it can be something that is shared in a marriage to bring the 2 of you closer together. If I were her, I would want to prove "to my husband" that I could be all he needed me to be - I wouldn't need to prove myself to others. So in that regard, Yes, I feel like she is just using it as an excuse to do what she is doing. If you quit pornography for good, never laid eyes on it again, does that mean she would quit what she is doing and be faithful? And is pornography really dirty? If it makes you feel that way, maybe it is because you are doing it in secret and not sharing it with her to be an addition to your sex life together? Just some questions you may want to try to talk with her about...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says that she has cheated because I've looked at pornography. Is this true? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree with what everyone else said--it's an excuse (and a pi$$-poor one at that!).

As far as how women feel about porn, I think that it's different for everybody. Personally, I have nothing against porn--I watch it myself occasionally. Guess I can't really help you out much with trying to understand why she feels the way she does, as my feelings are totally different.

Whatever you do, don't let her guilt you into thinking her A was solely because you looked at porn 2 or 3 times in the last 16 years. Her A was her choice--she is just trying to justify something that there is no justification for.

I have to agree with LBH, your looking at porn does not make her cheat. I do know some women who are very hurt or offended by their spouses looking at porn. I am not one of them. Those magazines don't bother me, unless my H was obsessive about it. To be honest, I don't know when is the last time he looked at one. When we first got married, he was all weird about it, but I think that was to shock me. He was surprised when I ordered him a subscription. (most of them went unopened). I think it was the whole taboo issue. If it was taboo, that made it more intrigueing to him. I grew up with my dad looking at porn. Not in front of us kids, he used to hide the magazines, we found them looking for other stuff. I told my H, when I ordered his subcription, not to leave the magazines out where the kids could see them. Now, if he had to look at them constantly, now, we have an issue.