My husband is in the millitary and he has been having an affair with other woman in the military and a few civillians. I believe he is willing to work on our marriage, but I don't think he want to let go of his friendships with these other woman. I feel that he will stop for awhile to make things right for me, however later pick up where he left off in his relationships with them.

I want so bad to confront them and tell them its over and to leave my husband alone. I have gone thru so much pain because of the affairs, and I want them to pay the price if they are not willing to take me or my marriage serious. Are there laws against this ? Can I sue them for knowing that my husband was married and its wrong.

I know I shoud be concerned about my husband and I am. However, he will tell them to stop calling and and its over but they later come back, and my husband has a weakness for his "FRIENDS" Some one please, help me here before I do something stupid and I loose my husband.

That depends on the state you live in, most do not allow these types of suits any longer.

If you want, report him to his commander!

Sorry, but it's not really the OP who you have a problem with...it's your H. I know the pain that this causes, but you're looking in the wrong direction if you're wanting your marriage. He's the one who has to make the commitment and then stick to it. The OW can be easily replaced. If you want him as your H, he may not be...then again...maybe he could be replaced?????

My reason, for wanting to sue is, If this happens again, Im not gonna stay and I will make my husband pay, and his lovers. I don't feel that I should go thru all this, and they go on with there life everyday like nothing has happen. You won't see them crying every night, or taking off work to visit a MC because the has sex with a married man. NO!! What you will see is them waiting for the H to breakdown after all there advances towards him. While Im home trying my best to keep our marriage alive. Hell no!!! someone will pay, if they do it to me again.

I have tried to be calm, and understanding, but the truth is we all want payback in some kind of way for repeated pain. There is no way I can forgive him , if he does it again, after seeing what it has done to me now. That would be a slap in the face

I believe it is North Carolina where there have been some HUGE amounts awared to the betrayed spouse when she sued the wayward husband's lover. I found a list by going to google.com and typing in "alienation of affection law" as I recall.

Very few states were listed as still allowing this sort of suit.

Everyone is right it does depend on the state you live in. However, I recall seeing someplace posted here that in the military it is different. If you want, report him to his commander and also look into the laws in the military. Since they are both in you may have some recourse there.

STTSI

Thank you, Im not sure if I want to report my husband to his comander, but I do want the OW to pay. However, if my husband so much as look in the OW way I will report him and I will leave him. I know how much his military career means to him......(I think more than me) But we are going to try to save our marriage. We have gone to see a MC and it helped but I can't seem to get the other women out of my mind. Last night I called one of them and told her who I was and she hung up the phone. I called back and left her a message on her voice mail to leave my husband alone, and that we are trying to make our marriage work. If she were to contact him and I found out I would find some way of making her pay. I felt the need to be heard. My husband does not know I called and Im sure she will contact him, to let him know. If my husband does not let me know that she has called him, I will assume he is still keeping secrets.
I want so bad for him to tell the two women that its over and I want to be with my wife and any involvment with them will hurt any chances of repairing our marriage. I want to hear him profess his love for me to them. I need for them to know he is my man and not theirs. However for some reason, i can't get him to do this. Am I wrong for wanting him to do this? Why does it seem like he is protecting them? It's his wife that is hurting not them. Why won't he come to my rescue and not theirs. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It sounds to me like you have a lot of anger and resentment towards your H right now. While some of it might be justified you need to let it go. Have you read about plan A and B?

If you want your H back and your M to work out you need to look at yourself and then work on yourself. Why would your H want to come home to a W that holds so much anger inside of her when he can go to OW who makes him happy? All you can do is become a better person for you M and for yourself. WHile I sound harsh you need to ask yourself what reason your H has to come home? You need to give him a good reason to come home.

At the same time, don't be a doormat! Set your boundaries and stick to them. Demand NC before you can continue with the M.

Did you otice that we got married 1 month apart? Sad that we are both here so soon isn't it?

STTSI

Your right, I do need to start with me. I don't want to push him to the other woman. I just feel like Im the victim here, and why should I have to do work on top of my pain to keep him. He should be trying to keep me. I told him to assure me that it's over, but he has just told me "I don't talk to them anymore." How am I to believe that?
When he proves to me that it's over , thats when I will put forth the effort to work on our marriage. Im not going to give him more of my life when he has taken what Ive given him already , for granted. I just want someway of protecting myself, incase he chooses not to end these relationships, or start new ones. Im scared of being hurt again, and I won't let him do this to me ever again .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by strongwoman:
<strong> Im scared of being hurt again, and I won't let him do this to me ever again .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being scared is natural but unless you divorce him there is no way to ensure it won't happen again.

You are right, you are the victim. But you need to try and learn why your H was unhappy in your M. You need to learn what happened in the M to make the A possible.

Once I got control of my anger and resentment over my W's A and started working on myself I could more easily deal with the pain. It is difficult but you need to work on yourself. That way no matter what happens you will be a better woman for what you have learned. Unless you look at the situation and learn the lessons God intended your M will still be susceptable to another A.

You said you want to protect youself. I feel in order to do that I needed to learn my lessons and become better and stronger. That way the things she did to me wouldn't hurt so bad. Another way to protect yourself is to lean on family and friends. I don't know where you live but maybe look into a local BAN chapter if there is one available.

In order to be sure the A is over he needs to write NC letter to the OW and you need to send them. Than you both need to follow the rule of radical honesty.

Good luck, strongwoman. Like your name says, you are strong and you will survive.

STTSI

I'm fairly new at this, but I can tell you that if I had reacted with anger and revenge, I would have lost my H for certain. He hasn't told me what exactly I need to change yet, but I can tell you that I feel that my "attitude", including constant anger with the people at work, constant complaining and my push to seek revenge first was probably part of it. I'm working on those issues now in IC. You need to let go and focus on your marriage if you want to save it.

Hello everyone,

Yesterday was a breaking point for me. I had a group session with my MC and other women who are having similar issues. I started off by telling my story and then the tears came. Later the whole session was focused on me, and they gave me so much suport and advice, that when I left, I brought home some new friends.

The day before, I emailed one of the OW and now I realized it was a mistake.However, Im glad I did, because it made me face reality. I started out pouring my heart out and telling her how much I was hurting. I also said I just needed answers. I told her that in order for my husband and I to work things out there relationship must end. To be brief.. She said it was not up to me to decided weather their relationship was over, and I should get a grip. Well she was right. I now have a "grip", and when my husband gets back from Cali, I will tell him. I have decided to go back to school and start concentrating on improving who I am, and he needs to take some time and decide on what and who he wants. Im not going to put allot of pressure on him, because trying to -force- him to leave her won't work. He needs to
-want- to leave. If he does it on his own that will be the first step in me believing in him again. If he does not make the choice Im comfortable with then I will leave. I can't emagine leaving him being worst than staying with someone who chooses to hurt me. I refuse to allow him to humiliate me any further. So on that note.. Im on the road to recovery. I feel much better. Last night was the first night since D-Day I did not cry. Thank you guys for all your support.

Okay, My H has been away in Cali, on business for a week, and during this time I have been going through hell. At times I have called him to vent, which caused verbal fights. I have since then, been able to pull myself together and have started to think more clearly. My question for anyone is, I pick him up tonight from the airport, and I need to know how or what should I do to make things comfortable without setting things off. I’m still angry with him, even though he tells me he can't wait to see me, he has missed me and can't wait to spend time with his wife. He refuses to cut off contact with OW until a professional (MC) tells him, this is what he should do. ( Not, You hurt your wife with this relationship, and to keep contact w/ them will continue to hurt her.) "Hello"!

The thought, of him not seeing how important it is to me, that he cut them off completely. Makes it hard to concentrate on doing things to repair our marriage. He just asked me out on a date for when he gets home. I would love this, but how can I, when he has not made a decision? I don't want to push him away, but I won't be walked over. HELP!!!!

STRONGWOMAN:

Are you still out there? It has been 2 yrs to the date since your last post. I am going through almost the exact same situation. As a matter of fact one of my 1st post read..."married 3 mos and he has been cheating since we met"...yours read 9 mos.