Thanks to everyone here who has responded to me on my "first time" post. Reading your words first, gave me insight and pointed me in the right direction then they gave me strength.

My e-mail and telephone calls to OM created an EA (We met through family and did spend some time together before the EA part really started). We had plans to meet and spend 3 nights together - we were to meet this upcoming Wednesday. We had these plans for four months - we had dinner reservations, tickets to a show, on and on.

Reading your responses I realized OM was probably a serial cheater and alcoholic. He was not consistent with me either. I did most of the calling, writing and made it too easy for him - all he had to do was respond occassionally. I also realized all the people, including myself, who I would be hurting. Don't be fooled, I am grieving I have moments where I just feel sad and other times where I cry but, yea, I have happy moments too. I genuinely feel, in my heart, I made the right decision and that makes me happy. I have been living a part of myself in secrecy and that weight I feel lifting and will be totally lifted once I tell H.

I wrote a NC letter and there has been no contact. It just goes to show what a fool I am - he didn't even fight for our relationship. I know this is a blessing and I'm not shocked. I knew once I gave him even a crumb of rejection he would be gone. But I am glad I got the strength to do it.

My husband is away, I am here with two tired, cranky children and a lot ahead of me to do tonight - reality is so wonderful. I am going to deeply miss what I had (the illusion, the fog)with OM. I will work hard on my M as we are already doing M counseling and I am in Indv. therapy, as well.

And... I decided to take my H away instead of the OM - I even cleared it with his boss so he will have the time off to do so. I am telling him about the EA during our trip so our next M counseling session we can talk about it.

You all saved me!!! For three days of bliss I would have suffered more than it would have been worth. I am sad, this is painful but I hear your words of pain and sorrow too. I am taking your advice.

I hope to find out why I want someone else beyond my H and I hope my and all of our M continue to grow.

Elli

Elliiiii !

Wonderful news.

Congratulations on your victory - you should celebrate, but I know you are really feeling rather sad. Hang in there, the fog will eventually lift.

God Bless

SB

Elli:

That is so COOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

♥Qfwfq

Elli- I am so glad to hear that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am proud of you to have the strength to make that step. Now hopefully with the MC and IC you and your H can have a wonderful M that neither of you will want to leave.

My thoughts are with you.
STTSI

Good Luck! No one here can see into the future, hopefully, this will be the time to really began working on those areas in your marriage where the door cracked opened and allowed a mistake to almost be made. While it's true we can't see if you're going to be able to get your marriage to the place you want it to be, if you put all the energy, excitement, thought and effort into your marriage as you would have had to do in the affair...you may find the happiness and excitement you need from the man you married and still love.

editted to add...we didn't save you!!!! You saved yourself. You already knew what you were going to hear when you posted that question...you just needed to have it validated.

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

It is hardest now, as the "end" of my A is so recent but your responses help.
Thanks.

Elli:

Yes, it's hard now. Recovery will be very hard. But worth it.

I'm still extremely proud of you. You have no idea how much grief you saved yourself and your H by this decision.

All my best,
-QFwfq

My H decided he was too busy to take a fun trip - too much hassle - even after I cleared it with his boss.

Elli, you and your H need to sit down and have a really hard discussion. Don't [censored] foot around tell him that he is NOT meeting your needs, that you are unhappy with the way the marriage is going. I'm not saying to tell him right now about this OM business, but to get him to seeing that you two have a problem.

It sounds like he's too comfortable and isn't wanting to rock the boat...and this is not good for a marriage in the long run. There may be other issues unknown to us as to why he choose not to go away this weekend. You need to discover what they are. "A Hassel" is not a good enough reason. jmho

Elli,
Now the work begins to save your M.

I'm sure that you must be disapointed that your H decided not to go on the trip but remember he's in the dark here. If he knew that this was possibly his one chance to save his M he might react differently.

Whether you have a full vacation or just a night alone with H away from the kids, you need to tell him. He needs to know how close he came to loosing you. When he is looking into your eyes you may want to minimalize it bu tbe honest.

Tell him this weekend.The sooner the better.

I wish you well.
cwmac

Again... you are all so wonderful to be helping me through this. Yes, I do need to tell H about the EA. I know I am deeply hurt that he decided not to go on a trip with me. I also know I'm not being fair and holding anger toward him for something he is not fully aware of.

I mentioned to him I thought this trip I was planning for us was important for our relationship (however, we did just get back from a long trip without the kids and I know he feels he needs to be at work for awhile)- our last M counseling session I just cried the entire time - because he knows my sadness. I've been brutually honest with him except for the EA. So now I realize I must go the extra mile here.

Just so you understand my husband, he is a responsible,mature, balanced, steady-Eddie-kinda guy. He is not: spontaneous, whimsical, adventurous. I know My H is not having an A. He stayed with his parents on this current business trip and his last business trip was 2 years ago and we talked every day twice a day during his last trip. He also feels an A is not something that will bring peace to us - he already knows this and we discuss it - he is better than me that way. He has great constraint I have very little. This is why he calls me selfish.

I've told my H (during one of our phone conversations while he had been away this week) that I give our marriage a 50/50 chance and that is just where I am at. Maybe he decided to put himself and his needs before me (no trip) because I hurt his feelings when I said that?

Why is there no consistency here? Some moments I feel I will stay with him and work harder and other moments I just want to run away - find a better paying job so I can support me and our children without the emotional turmoil and hard "marriage" work. I had a good week when he was away because I was the boss of the house - is that a bad sign?

At this point if OM does get in touch with me I am vulnerable. I know you all will tell me to tell husband asap because of this. I will try. We will not be together much this week due to schedules. I will set aside the time to talk with him I just pray to have the strength at that time.

Thanks again to you for reading/listening. Affairs are still a hush, hush topic - These are not things other people necessarily want to or should hear. So thanks for your support.

My 2cents:
The problem with men is sometimes that we hear but we don't listen. You have to sometimes go the extra mile to get the message across. You told him your marriage has 50-50 chance. Without saying him why and how you got to this conclusion he obviously feels hurt, since he is responsible and balanced and does not have clue what is going on. This happened in my marriage, my wife would tell me once in a while that she thinks we would divorce one day or that she is not happy. While I was second guessing where can this come from. I was working hard to get our family on the right track quickly, since we just recently immigrated to CA. Weboth knew and agreed then that we wanted to build solid foundations so we can have an easier life in our new home. I did not have an idea she did not really want the house, or the security. She sometimes asked me out for dinner or just for a beer. But I refused because I knew we would need every penny to pay mortgage and all those bills. Besides,that was our mutual agreement, I did not press hard on her, everything in our marriage was mutual. But back to your problem, I think you are due to tell him about EA and all that sadness you feel. The reasons and ways out of this. Your EA did not happened just because you looked outside the fog that was slowly surrounding you. I think very few people are able to do that at that stage. Instead they go on and usually destroy a valuable relationship. For what? Few days or months of passion and courtship? I really command you for getting your priorities alighned. Now there is a work ahead of you. They say problem defined is problem half solved. So you are half way there. Your expectations from life are probably little different than his, he likes comfort and security, you are probably adventurous, you should meet somwhere in the middle. And where is the middle? It is where you both establish it by communicating the problems and concerns. Ho[pe this helps a bit.

Thanks MThread - I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I want to find the middle ground with H. He is a wonderful person who means well.

I thank you!

Elli

OOps... sorry I just saw it was MThaert.

Elli

You wrote </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he is a responsible,mature, balanced, steady-Eddie-kinda guy. He is not: spontaneous, whimsical, adventurous. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That describes me to a tee. I never realized that my wife wanted more. I always thought that she wanted the stability especially economically. I wasn't aware of her other needs for conversation etc. I always thought sh got those needs answered by the girlfriends and nevre realized that the "special" male friend would come back into her life.

Now that I'm aware of those needs I do my best to meet them. But again your H needs to know about your needs for EN's being met. Maybe you could look at the EN's questionaire and ask yourH if there are any that you aren't meeting. That will hopefully then give you a safe way to gently tell him about your needs. Always start with a posative statement of affirmation. For example, " H , you are such a great provider and I appreciate that. I've been thinking that...." fill in EN not being met

Relationships are alot of work but very worthwhile

Cwmac gave you a an excellent example. I wish I was in yor husbands shoes and my wife in yours. You have a fantastic chance to put your marriage back on track. Good luck!