Hanging on for dear life,
{{{{(((((HUG)))))}}}}}
Sorry his actions and words doesn't match. Secure his journal and all the proof of his A including his harddrive (computer), place it away from your home but don't trigger his suspicision. You have to be patient. Make appointment to talk to lawyer to understand your right, not to divorce. Most lawyer will give you 1 hour free consultation. Take this chance to talk to MC and told him what you know about A and his actions.

You should get the quick balance from the bank showing $0.00 & small VOR from the electronic store and get the one that will autoreverse and could take 90 minute tape. Buy additional tape and hide it at bathroom for reload. You should be ready for tonight, get to talk to someone to calm you down. You have to get ready for the worst, a wide from he made both of you bankrupt to giving STD to you. You have to be calm and listen to him and tape the whole conversation !. Even you can't use it for legal purposes, you could use it for custody battle when you talk to FCS (Family Court Services) and legacy for your kids or anybody else when they are ready to hear the truth about this. This tape also to remind you not to LB'ed. Whenever you are ready after listening to his talk, you should ask him where is the money in the bank ?, you tried to take $20.00 and got rejected. Be calm and don't accused him of anything and don't get mad to any of is admissions !. Just repeat what he says to make him elaborate more and buy you time to think how to response. Don't get angry or judgemental, make it safe for him to fry himself. You have to bite your tounge and remember that WH will try to push your trigger button to give him excuse to walk away from conversation.

Hang in there and vent in here -rh-

Now I have a chance to give response about you WH's behavior. He has many problems but thought he could handle it himself. I think he was in withdrawal and lack of hygene & pushing away the closest person is the sign of depression. I think he has started A again, a relapse. This is the time for you to be the wise wife (read Proverb 31). WH is weak emotionally, you need to be the strong one. He has addiction problem, you should to be there for him to face it together. However IC with MC is a must for him. Until he could resolve his own issues he won't be able to work on M. If he refuses help or getting worst in his fog, I suggest you to just set your boundry and set him free (tough love). Please don't do plan B, there is no plan B without good plan A.

Call your doctor and get a medication, it won't take effect right away but you need it. I took it for 4 months to help me out.

Give us update from your MC meeting and also your talk tonight. If you have nobody to talk to you could email me w/ phone#, I will give you my cell#, I have "minutes w/o limit". You have to email me in the next hour otherwise I am already gone for my D school field trips and won't be back 'till 6:00PM your time, 3:00PM PST (mine).

-rh-

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Ok now I'm p'd! H showed up at MC. MC did not help. Asked him if he was committed to this M anymore. Of course H said no. He's done. Says we didn't honor each other. H doesn't love me anymore. Asked about OW and still denies even when i have people from work telling me otherwise. Says they are just friends and that OW now has BF. I told him I don't buy it. THICK FOG in here.

When we arrived home, I asked him if he took any money out (sorry didn't get to board soon enuf) H said he didn't. So, I probably might as well kiss that goodbye.

What is this tough love? Please explain. I just want him to get out. I've been through enuf in my life. Don't need this. We don't have kids together so that's a plus.

Gonna get with a lawyer tomorrow and see what my rights are. Gonna stop direct deposit tonight at work, take my name off joint acc. and open my own.

This is awful. Never thought it would get this bad this fast. I will keep u updated later. H sleeping on couch, gotta be quiet and I need sleep too. I'll try to manage that. I've gotta be strong now. For me and my D.

Thank you all and I will be back later tonight.

BTW didn't LB when I asked about $.

Get the quick balance and see the trail of the $, you should ask him with the paper. Don't LB'ed here, just wondering where the money goes and stop there ... let him explain it. You should fired your MC and get the one that competent to deal with addiction and pro M. Please don't go along with your emotion right now, I know it is hard but hang in there for plan A, ok ?. I would delay changening direct deposit or openning an account, you could do that after tonight talk. You could do that a few days before pay day. Get ready for tonight talk, no LB !. Tough Love is from "Love Must be Tough" book by Rev. Dobson.
-rh-

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

H hasn't talked to me since we left MC. He said at MC that he wasn't going to show up, but thought i deserved to know that he wasn't going to be committed anymore to even trying.

H spent most of the evening after we woke up, in the family room, me in the living room. I don't know what time he woke up, I got up around 4pm.

I walked into kitchen when he was getting ready to leave for work tonight and he asked me if it was ok if he took some leftovers for his lunch. I told him I was going to make his lunch, but yes, that it was ok. He made his own lunch then left without saying goodbye.

I have to go to work now, so I will write more in the morning. I usually have more time to write in the am after work. I'm sure though, that there will be nothing more to tell. Don't know what I should do now. gotta go...

Well, very uneventful day here. I stopped direct deposit on my checks last night at work. I meant to go to bank today and open my own acct. but they didn't open til noon. I was tired and drained and went to bed at 9am. H came home really early (for him) and slept on couch.
I had hoped to get up and call lawyer to make appt. but slept til 6pm! I must've been really tired. I can't remember the last time I had 9 hours of sleep!!

My D gets home at 3pm and said H hasn't been home since she's been home. H still isn't home yet. I don't really care at this point. He can stay away from us. Hopefully, he's looking for someplace to stay.

I have laundry to do. I don't feel like washing his underwear today. Maybe I should just make him do it himself. He made this choice, now he should live like he's divorced. He has in every other aspect. I didn't make dinner tonight either. Just gave D some leftovers and I'll manage to get something down here later. Don't feel too hungry right now.

I wish I would've gotten up early enough to get that stuff done that I wanted to. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. He'll be home to get ready for work sometime soon. I just act like he's not even here. Not letting me plan A him, so what else left do I have to do? Doesn't give me much choice there. At least I have another day under my belt. *sigh*

Heya, HangingOn. I don't know what you should do; I don't even know what -I- should do. Still, it sounds like you're having a really hard time. I have no idea how this whole Plan A thing works in a situation like yours, but don't forget to take care of yourself. Sounds like you're doing it -- 9 hours of sleep is a glorious thing! And it's okay to feed everyone leftovers once in a while, too.

While you're doing things for -you-, my only suggestion is not to do them at your husband's expense. No, you don't have to wash his underwear. But it's fair to him to let him know that you're not comfortable with it, and let him know (without all those LBs) how you're going to handle it.

*sigh* So many hurting people around here, so little actual help.

Hey J,

I hear ya on the help thing! I've decided that I'm just not cut out for this Plan A thing. Not when I'm being treated the way I've been. I will not be his "doormat". (not that it wouldn't work in someone elses situation) I just don't think it'll work in mine. My H has already made up his mind and chooses to act like I'm not even here and takes off as soon as he wakes up and comes home to get ready for work, then leaves.

He's been hanging around his X's house, so let 'er have 'em! I know this cuz she's been calling here and making "arrangements" with him and I heard him ask her "what time do you want me to come over?"!! Hey, I think he's had a hidden agenda this whole time we've been married.

I called an attorney today and he's supposed to call me back with my appointment. So he thinks I'm sitting around here boo-hooing when in all actuality, he's gonna get a real wake up call here soon. I suppose I should move my posts to the divorcing section. Cuz that's where I'm headed.

Don't know your situation as I'm kinda new here, but I wish you luck in yours. All I know is I've had enough.

Slow down ok'ed. What if WS is willing to stop A and follow it with NC and go to MC ... and come back home, follow by ammending you. Are you willing to take WS back ?. If the answer is yes or I am not sure ... IMVHO. You should do tough love or plan B. You withdraw all ENs and draw your boundry. if you say I will never want my WS back and I rather start over with someone new. Then go cash in the rain check of Dv, BS has the right to do that since there was a breach of M contract.

JMHO. -rh-

WS won't even ADMIT to A. Says they're "just friends" Went to MC Tues. and played like it was all my fault. All this while having panic attacks whenever I brought up OW. Happened the last 2 times we went to MC. Says he doesn't want to continue with MC "because why should I?" (in his own words)

I really don't see him saying NC if he's not having C at all with OW. ?? I really think he's trying to build a case against me somehow with all the journal writing and documenting that he's been doing. Why? I don't honestly know. If he's seeing OW or just wants out. Says he'd be better off alone. I just going to att. to see what my rights are for now. If he's that unhappy here, than he needs to leave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>If he's that unhappy here, than he needs to leave.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is "tough love". You could tell H that this M is not a happy one and both of you need to work on it (MC) until then he is not H (set him free). When he will "talk" to you ? I thought it was last night ?.

Yes, you need to see atty. to understand your right.

Do you think you are strong enough to talk to OW ?. How A ends ?
-rh-

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

H never came home tonight. If I talk to OW, I will bust her chops! I parked behind her last night. I sat there and watched her get into her car, didn't even look at me. Knew I was there though. How do I know the OW isn't his X?

He might have more than 1.

You might have to do Plan B. Im new here, but from what I am reading, you are with a hostile and non-interested partner. I like the tough-love approach- I am really thinking it might shake him up when he realizes, NO, You are more than just an 'option' for him.
I feel for you, I really, really do!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>H never came home tonight. If I talk to OW, I will bust her chops! I parked behind her last night. I sat there and watched her get into her car, didn't even look at me. Knew I was there though. How do I know the OW isn't his X?

He might have more than 1.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you care to find out ?. I found out OM from his licence plate. I am a curious cat, I need to know. However you could just assume the worst, A is an A. DOn't waste your time anymore and firm in your tough love.

-rh-

How do I get him to leave? I don't get to talk to atty til Wed. He's here right now. This is his weekend with his S's. Still has not said one word to me since we left MC office on Tues. S's have not even acknowledged my presence since they've been here either. D went to spend the night at her friends. I think she just wanted to get out of the environment. It's really taking it's toll on me and her also.

I feel that I shouldn't leave. H doesn't want to work on M, so he needs to get out. I'm afraid to leave for fear he'll start moving things and such. (not worried about his stuff, but mine) H already made a list of stuff we bought since we got M'd. He's been planning this, but why has he not left yet? Is this my "punishment"? Him hanging around here, not speaking just to drive me nuts? H said 1 week ago today that I should be the one who leaves. I have 2 more months of school and after that you can bet your butt---I'm outta here!

Talk to a PI, get proof of his A. Write dates and times down. You should not leave, he needs to leave. You really do need that attorney. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>How do I get him to leave?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easy, tough love !. Sit him down and tell him that you beleive that both of you could be happy in M but you can not take it like this. Either he works on M or he could leave or he could be ignored at home. It is his choice.

You know he won't leave. Easy !. He doesn't want to be H ... so
1. don't wash his clothes
2. don't clean up after him
3. don't cook for him or serve him anything
4. don't talk to him and ignored him completely
5. don't sleep in the same bed, stay in the couch if he stayed in the bed
6. DO NOT LB, but refuse to fillin any ENs

After 2 months, pack your stuff and go away.

-rh-

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Well, made it through the weekend. I never thought I would look forward to going to work as an escape. Ignored all weekend. Even from his 2 S's. They all said not one word to me. I did manage to do mine and my D's laundry. Accidently left a load of jeans in the dryer, H did his own clothes and I went down to take mine out, and they were all folded nice and neat. How thoughtful of him. Most work he's done around the house all winter. lol. At least I can find some humor in all this mess.

Not looking forward to his return home after work this morning. He should be here any minute. I'm having trouble getting used to cooking for 2 again, but I'm sure it'll all come back to me! This does stink though. Wouldn't wish this on anyone! I think after I see atty. Wed. I'll feel a little more at ease. Never thought it would end up this way though.

Get this, while I was going through everything trying to look for his important papers (that I need for atty tomorrow) I found a book in his boy's closet. (which is where he slept 2 Sat's ago) It was How To Make Love Last by someone named Smalley!

Unfortunaly, it looked like it hadn't been touched. Maybe he started to read it, maybe not. My guess would be not. Here we are in day 7 and not one word spoken between us. I (by the way) can't find those important papers anywhere. I'm sure he already has them ready to go for whenever he was gonna get around to see an atty.

Maybe I should get the book and start reading it for myself. Maybe it'll help in my next screwup.