</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>It was How To Make Love Last by someone named Smalley! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should read it. It is by Gary Samlley, the same guy wrote the language of love. He is also my instructor (video taped) in Marriage Work course by AACC (Ammerican Association of Christian Conselor).

-rh-

I will read it. I've been having a pretty crappy week so far. I have done nothing but sleep on the couch and H keeps taking off when he wakes up. I think he's been over at his X's with his 2 S's.

Yesterday's atty appt. went ok I guess. He said he didn't think I was ready yet. I didn't have that "fire" in here (pointing at heart). I don't know. Said it would be best since we have no kids together and were only M 2 1/2 years, that dissolution would be best for us. I agree, but how can I get H to sit down and discuss this civily? I left H a note saying we need to sit down and talk business and that we should do it in a civil and decent matter. Told him I didn't want to talk about R, but we need to talk about the sale of the house and dividing our marital assets.

I don't know if he read it or not. D said he was on his computer when she came home from school then he went outside and walked around the backyard then left. He never came back home to get ready for work. He was there last night, people said they saw him.

The note is still where I left it. How do I get him to at least talk about this? Today will be 9 days he hasn't said 1 word to me. I am going crazy here. If he want a Div. so bad, why won't he at least talk about it? I'm tired of living like this already. It seems like such childish behavior too. It's not like we have a ton of stuff to split up either. This is getting aggrevating though

Hanging on for dear life:
Leave WH alone and stand firm on your plan B/tough love. You know most likely Dv is unavoidable what important right now is that you will come out here with minor emotional wound rather than emotionally collapsed. Get busy with your D and be ready for him to talk to you.
-rh-

Well, I brought up that the house payment had to be made. That was the only way I could get him to say something. He said ok. I told him we needed to talk soon, H said that his atty advised him not to do anything til he talked to him. I told him I saw an atty yesterday. He didn't say much of anything after that so I let him alone. H took shower and left. His S's are on field trip somewhere, so I know he's not going to be with them tonight. Who knows? Anyway. At least he said a few words to me. I will continue with the plan. Going out with the ladies after work tomorrow for breakfast. That should perk me up a bit. I also have all of next week off and H has to work! ha ha. I also found out H has to work 4 10 hr. days, so he'll have Fri. off. (H doesn't think I know this) So I'll have to see if he "pretends" to go to work. I just wish this was over with already.

My weekend in review:
Went out to breakfast with ladies from work. It was nice, but on the way home I got a little teary from listening to them with their plans for their weekends with their H's.

D got her report card Sat. All A's and B's! I'm so proud of her. Put it on fridge. She had a dance at the school. I fixed her hair and nails and stuff. She had a great time! Won the hula hoop contest. She was so proud of herself! She then spent the night at her friends. H took off that night and didn't get home til after 11pm. Still not talking...

Yesterday, I took D and her friend to the movies. We saw What a Girl Wants. It was a cute movie. If you get a chance, see it. I almost teared up agian. It was about girl who wants to find her father. My D's father passed away before she was born. She'll never know her father! But I always tell her things about him and I have a box of his stuff that I'm saving for her.

H had to go to work today. I'm off all week. I took this opportunity to copy his journal. I put it away in case I need it. I can't get a copy of his calender, he sleeps with it now! That had all the days he and OW had plans. Had lots of things about OW. Wish I could get my hands on that. OH well, court won't recognize A anyway, so what good would it do me?

I still wish this would've never happened. I wish I could turn back the clock and see what went wrong and where. But for now, I am just trying to concentrate on D and getting our lives back.

BTW...
I found a calender from the year we got married. H had days on there (at least Once a month before we got married) that he had Dr. appt. with a urologist. This was the same Dr. he went to AFTER we got M to get his vasectomy.
About a month after the vasectomy, I noticed 2 bumps on him and asked what they were. H said "Oh that's from the vasectomy." Uh, isn't the V done on the lowest section??

Anyway, FF to a month ago. Lumps are now 3 or 4 times bigger, told H he should get that checked out. Says he doesn't know what they are. I'm thinking STD. If he had known he had them, shouldn't he have disclosed that to me? I'm thinking I better make Dr. appt for myself just to make sure I'm OK.

I made a copy of the calender too. Wonder if there's any way I can find out what he was being treated for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>My D's father passed away before she was born. She'll never know her father! But I always tell her things about him and I have a box of his stuff that I'm saving for her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure she has male figure in her life !, it is good to let her know about her grandpa memory but she needs a reponsible male figure. Does she has uncle or male family memebr that she could look up to or close to ?.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Wonder if there's any way I can find out what he was being treated for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you could. It depend who is your provider. Mine is Aetna and they have a web site that I could sign up and view all the visit, medications etc. If your provider don't have it, you could call them up and say that there is a billing dispute (you have to know the date) for tax purposes and you need the info. So much for privacy.

-rh-

Rh,

It was her biological father who passed away. She has my father (her grandpa) as the only male figure in her life right now. H never really accepted her as a D. His way of treating her like a D was by rules only, no affection or patting on the back or anything. And by H treating her like this, she wants not too much to do with him. H hasn't said 1 word to her either lately. Can't remember when the last time H said anything to her! I don't think she has much to say to him either, she knows what's going on, she isn't blind.

As for the Dr. This was 2 years ago he went, has bumps now and hasn't been to Dr. since V. (2 years ago) I already know what it is, I've been doing a little research. More than likely now, I have it also. I will set up an appt. sometime this week.

I have session with C tomorrow. That should be interesting. Going alone without H. Hope I don't cry.

Hanging on for dear life,

You have to have some male figure give affections to her ... why ?. I came across run aways, druggies, prostitutes and groupies on the street on my vice stint. One very profundly similiar among them ... lack of male figure that could give them affection !. They are as young as 12 years old to 30+ years old but talking to them I have leraned one thing ... I would let my 2 D know I love them, I hug them, I give them affection ... the alternative is none. Of course Dv or sexual abuse make it worst but even the one that came from a very good family that has no clue until I talked to their father and found out that he is cold as an ice to her daughter. She seeks affection from the wrong boyfreind.

Cry as much as your heart scream out but after that you wipe your tears and face what life would bring you to head on.

God Bless you. -rh-

Hanging on

I dont know what to say, but hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've spent the whole day at work sneaking peaks at your posts, wow!Its going to get better, you have to believe that!

My H is out of the house now for 10 weeks, no talk of divorce yet just "trying to get his head on straight". Things have gotten better, but boy was he in a FOG!

While he was still here there was that look of hatred you spoke of, and the coldness, all of it!I used to wonder how the man that said he loved me so much be hurting me sooo much. And I would say to myself, just like you do, "How did my life go to pot, SOOOOO FAST! I dont understand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Just know that it will get better, if not better at least easier!

My H seems to care about my feelings now, he has least realized that I am a human being and he is hurting me. (Thats a start)

Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Everyday that goes by, it gets a little easier, it does, I promise!

C & rh,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I sure hope it gets better (or a little easier). I was making dinner last night when H walked in, by mistake (or habit) I asked him if he wanted any--H said no, took a shower and left. I fell asleep on couch sbout 8pm and H still wasn't home. Woke up at 2am, jumped off the couch and saw his vehicle out in the driveway and him in the other room on the other couch. Can't believe I'm still worried whether he's there or not! lol!

I thought I had C appt. today, but I remembered it is Thurs. so I think I'm gonna go visit my family for the day after D goes to school. They live about 50 miles away, so it will be good for me to see them.

While H was at work, his XW called about S's dentist appt. This W calls CONSTANTLY. I remember one time I wrote down how many times she called just to prove to H that it was getting rediculous. She called 13 times in 2 days!! I have been letting the machine take her calls cuz I figured it would be better for him to hear it straight from her (besides, I don't want to speak to her). So I'm sure she thinks I never gave him the message. I don't really care what she thinks at this point. But it is nothing for her to call anywhere from 5-10 times a day! She has been a problem in our M since day 1.

H left for work about an hour ago. Saw he left a box with 2 donuts in it by the coffee pot. Don't know if they are meant for me and D or what. Think I'll just throw the box and all in the trash.

I'm gonna have a good day today. I'm gonna make myself have a good day.

If I hear that Cher commercial one more time, I'm gonna puke.

I really hope you have a good one! You deserve it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My day went ok back "home". But it only makes me more confused than ever. I want to go back "home" so bad, yet this place I'm in now was supposed to be OUR dream home! I hate the thought of having to leave this home. I think he was more proud of this house than I was. He always had pictures to show everyone, we had great pool parties last summer and every holiday. But now he said he doesn't want this anymore.

I'm kinda stuck right now, all this time off from work. I could be going through stuff figuring out what needs to be thrown out, what needs to be packed up. If I knew where this was going, I could be doing so much! But all I do is sit around here and think. What happened?? What am I gonna do?? All these thoughts. And yet I still worry about where he is. His X called him at 6am this morning. WTH? I even wonder if she knows what's going on here. I bet she'll be happy to have me out of the picture. Then they can have things back the way they were b4 me.

B4 I came along, he had his S's everyday after school and every other weekend. Now, since we've been M, he's lucky to get them every other weekend. She had W living with her, W moved out a few months ago. H always said bad things about his X, and now he's over there everyday. Can't figure that man out. I'm tired of trying to figure him out.

I guess since D is at school, now would be a good time to go through her room and start getting things ready for our move. I know it's coming, so I might as well do what I can to make the packing part a little easier when the time does come.

Just can't believe it's really coming down to this. I thought I married for life. I thought we found our dream house and I was never going to leave. H made comment when we moved in here, "this is the last move we'll make, they'll have to take us both out on stretchers the next time" (meaning we were here for life) lol.

What a joke. What a sham. What a life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Patience girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Don't go crazy! He wants out, let him make the move first, this is not a race! Pride sometimes dictates that we beat them to the punch, but again, whats the hurry!

Stay in your house for as long as you can, enjoy it! Once he leaves, (that what he's planning right!)have some pool parties for your daughters' friends, enjoy it. I know the dream house thing, at least you enjoyed last summer, i didn't even get that! Mine wanted out before the deal was closed. Talk FOG, mine was willing to loose $6500.00 and not go thru with the closing.

I can tell you from experience, the moment he moves out he will start seeing you in a different light!

In the long run he may not come back, but at least he will most likely start seeing you as a human being again and understand that he's hurting you very deeply! Just let him get some space! And give you some of the peace you need!

Its hard I know, remember 10 weeks and counting and at moments I crash and burn really bad!.(Just look up my latest post in General Questions)

One day at a time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>

Sorry got impatient clicked "POST" too many times!

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>

Well, H pretended to go to "work" today. I had a feeling he would. ( I know they were only working 4 10hr days this week). I'm not even sure if he came home last night at all. He left around 5pm.

I had my 1st session alone with the MC yesterday. I went pretty well. MC said he could tell from body lang. and the way H was acting and evidence that I had that he has someone else in the picture. Told MC that H hasn't said anything to me since we left his office almost 3 weeks ago. He couldn't believe it! I told him everything from the way H was raised to STD and books and stuff that I found. MC said H definately has some issues. Told me right now to continue the tough love and just concentrate on my D and myself. Set up another appt. in 2 weeks. Told me to turn to family and friends when I need a shoulder and support. Same things that -rh- has told me all along.

It was nice to have a little validation about the situation. This is H's weekend with his S's, so I'm gonna try and plan things to do with D so we're away from them and not have too much contact.

MC said it would be nice if I could ask H where we are at this point and if he thought or talked to his atty. yet. Said I didn't HAVE to, but it would be nice to know where things stand. I don't know if I can do that. Seeing how he's not speaking, it's hard to think of even starting that conversation! Ugh, I think I'll wait on that one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>MC said it would be nice if I could ask H where we are at this point and if he thought or talked to his atty. yet. Said I didn't HAVE to, but it would be nice to know where things stand. I don't know if I can do that. Seeing how he's not speaking, it's hard to think of even starting that conversation! Ugh, I think I'll wait on that one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you, never start R talk since you know where it will lead to. Not now, not yet and you might put him in uncomfortable position. Meanwhile if you have time, please post to others, there are many have not even reach to the point where you are now. They are still daze and confuse and can't focus.

-rh-

I know better, I will NOT bring up R talk!
I came home from taking D to dr. and he was here. I told him I was going to pick up taxes which were done for a couple months. He said ok, I don't know where his head is at lately, but someone had to pick them up! When I returned, he asked me how bad/good we did. I showed him and told him I would run some copies for us.

Got up this morning and made coffee, came back into kitchen and he had cup there waiting for me. (something we used to do for each other) I already had my cup, put the other back in cupboard.

Wonder if all this is finally getting to him. Maybe it was just habit, but he hasn't said or done anything to/for me in almost a month. But as I was sitting here this morning, H and his S's were getting ready to go to baseball (he knows this is my fav. sport the kids play!) Didn't ask me to go or anything. I sat here and cried silently. They left.

My point is, I would LOVE to reply to people's posts here, but I am just as much in torment here as they are. I keep trying to convince myself that things are going to get better no matter which way they end up. I see people here who have been M 20+ years and me only 2 1/2. I do know that the pain is the same anyway you look at it. So I will try. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am one of those that has been married 29 3/4 years. I am in so much pain that my chest feels like it will explode. I have not talked to anyone except necessary conversation with daughter who lives with me. My H stayed in the spare room last night. Gone this morning. He keeps asking me to forgive him. How do you forgive someone that has taken your soul? I gave him a copy of the Love Buster questionaire to fill out. I filled one out too. He tried to talk about it last night but I told him to keep it. I have a job that carries a lot of management responsibility. I have not worked in a week. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am broken and don't know how to fix me. I think I have been cracking for a while and this just finished the job. I have been reading the material on this site and see things that I should have been doing. I just wish I could fix me enough to function.