FOR BETRAYERS:<P>1. Is it normal that if she doesn't love OP to keep going back?<BR>2. Is it normal for lovers to start planning a life together one month into the affair?<BR>3. The phrases "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" and the "I love you as my dearest friend", are B. S**T, a truth, a defense mechanism or what?<BR>4. After your spouse learned about your affair, did you stopped?<BR>5. If you didn't stop and you cared about your spouse, why didn't you?<BR>6. When it's over, is over?<P>FOR BETRAYED:<P>1. Is it better when W/M leaves home?<BR>2. If not, how do you bare the pain of the constant lies and continuous cheating?<BR>3. If I'm gone or if she is gone, wouldn't be easier to "conquer" the spouse back, as in a new relationship, like Leticia suggested in her reply to one of my posts? (maybe like getting the betrayer cheating on the OP with his/her spouse?)<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

OK, Alex, I may feel differently about this than the other betrayed, but here goes:<P>1. I think you have a better chance if they stay. Hard to Plan A if you don't see them. And if they're gone, more opportunity to see op. But then I guess that could work both ways.<P>2. Takes all the strength you've got.<P>3. I don't know. <P>Lori

Alex, If you want honest answers, heres mine:<P>1. I think it's much better to have the betrayed still in your own home to work things out-you need the time this affords you even when the children are running around this gives you the opportunity to realize your a family.<BR>2. I don't know, you pray alot and you take ALOT of leaps of faith. What can you do about lies anyhow? If they want to continue they will weather or not your there or not, having them home makes it harder for them to lie to you.<BR>3. Ok, lets say she moved out and you set out to "win" her over. But lets say she still thinks she can go as she pleases and see other people as well, what do you do then? NO NO NO!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Betrayed here.<P>Is it better if W/M (the betrayer I think you're refering to) leaves home?<BR>Absolutely not. Is it easier? Absolutely. I don't have to put up with anything from her at all.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I'm a betrayer and I'll try to answer as best I can.<P>1. When you are in an affair nothing is normal! I think i went back because it took me to a place where I as adored and didn't feel guilty and I wasn't hurting H<BR>2. I have not been with many men and I met my husband when I was 17. I knew I would marry him. The boyfriend before that I thought I would want to marry and that was only after 2 weeks. OM starting talking to me about how good he could care for me and we 'seemed' to have many of the same goals (which were all lies) He starting the planning our life together after a month and I was so enthralled that someone was wanting to take care of me I went hook-line-sinker!<BR>3. I believe there are different level's of love. I love my mom, dad, and sisters all differently. I thought I loved OP and I kenw I loved H....but was so confused I lost sight of my love. Probably doesn't answer your question....but she did love you enough once to marry you. I still love my first boyfriend, but wouldn't consider marry him or having an affair with him....just that there is a special place in my heart.<BR>4.No. My home front was so rocky and I was so tired of taking care of H, his mom, his dad, and a new baby that OP was a place of refugee. I didn't have to take care of anyone. He would watch the baby so I could sleep. He made our world together very rosie. <BR>5.Ooops most of explanation is in number 4. Another factor for me is that H's friends were more important than me and the baby. If he took any time off work it was to be with his friends...not the baby...not is very ill mother....and not his dad who was on his deathbed. He was gone all the time and I needed comfort. I just sought it out in the wrong way.<BR>6. I don't know. I'm now divorced....married OP and now want to go home. I wish I had found this site 3 years ago. I don't think it is too late for me. However I wish my H would have fought for me more. I wish his friends wouldn't have been so easy to help him out and see that he needed to be with his family.<P>I hope I have helped. I've not posted recently because of my current situation. Christmas is next week and all I want is a place for me and my child, a present or two for her, a warm meal for me, and for Big Dog to realize we need him, but most of all we love him.

betrayer here:<P>1) Can't answer that, but in a round about way. I was in love with my OM, and that is why I always went back to him.<P>2)Yes, we did it from day one through the end of the affair.<P>3) I assume that your W is telling you those lines? I have felt the first one with my H but haven't had the nerve to tell him.<P>4) My spouse still doesn't know. I stopped because the OM ended it. <P>5) Because he made me feel like the most special person in the world. I feel alive when I am with this man. It is a high, a drug, and I was (still am) addicted.<P>6)Your marriage, or the affair? My OM ended our affair. I am trying to accept that, but I still seem to have this glimmer of hope that we will get back together. The marriage? I don't know about that part yet. We are still working on it. <P>Please feel free to ask me more questions.

Sara,<P>Just kinda curious. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The marriage? I don't know about that part yet. We are still working on it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How exactly are you working on it? Seems to me you & your H are going to be working along different lines if he doesn't know about the affair. My Wife had an affair 10 years ago, didn't tell me & now she's gone in another affair.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sara,<P>Do your love OM? Do you love your H? If you love your H, have you tried to find out which ones he's not satisfying? My marriage was just "OK" but we thought that it was fine until all this mess erupted.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Looking back on my own responses to my H affair, was this.<P>I fell apart...I would go to work and on the way home get a 12 pack for supper. H was gone I was alone, I walked the floors, I prayed. After three months of H running back and forth trying to "choose" between me and the OW, I decided to give him his freedom, move away from the area, start my life over since he seemed so intent on living his without me, and move on with my own life. I had convinced myself that I could either be in the area to see him all the time and continue to hurt worse or I could leave the area, deal with the loss, get me together, and start all over again. <P>I had fought as much as I could and felt that if a divorce was something that he really wanted then so be it. You can't make someone love you and I was tired of trying especially if they "think" they are in love with someone else. On the morning that I was scheduled to leave, H came home, affair over, that was a year ago and we have been working on our marriage ever since. There are still times that I hurt, but I suppose you deal and move on. <P>Each situation is different and I guess it depends on the individuals...in my case, it was better he was gone. It gave him time to think about what he was doing, the things he would be giving up and what he really wanted. It hurts there is no doubt, but at the same time, he kept wondering what I was doing as well.<P><BR>

Sara,<P>Still waiting for your answer... Please?<P>Alex