I ws married 50 years last year, two weeks before christmas my husband moved in with another woman, although he still denies he is living with her. Packed up while we were at church, instigated an argument when we got home, said he was going for a ride...after he left discovered he had packed while we were gone. Now says I told him to leave, and denies he was having an affair. Opened up his own check account, has a business, opened up a new account for it and introduced her as his new bookkeeper. Blames everything on me, but will not talk to me, and lies and lies. I don't think I know the man anymore. We have two daughters, went to the ones house Christmas Day, she was so upset she couldn't talk to him, the other one called him and finally a month later he called her, but only with lies. I have tried to talk to him but he acts like he is completely under her control, he will tell me one thing then after he talks with her it is a different story.When they went to the bank she told them we had been married 46 years and I had run off with all his money and he was having to start all over again, he sat there like a bump on the log and let her trash me, how do you deal with that? They both profess to be so religious, but are such liars. Is there any hope? (She has been married four times...56 years old, he is 70).

Yes, there is hope! Read what is here on site, you'll discover that your H is doing what most WS's (wayward spouse's) do, althought, he was sneakier then most in his way of leaving.

Most affairs rather discovered or not end within six months. Most affairs do not lead to marriage, even if they go on for longer. Most affairs when brought into the light, end sooner rather then later, as then reality intrudes into what was before more fantasy. Very few marriages end because of affairs...althou, more end because of the hard work of rebuilding after an affair is discovered.

Have you seen a lawyer? You do need to protect your rights and the first step in doing so is to find out what your rights are. This is not saying to file for a separation or a divorce, but to become informed.

Have you seen your family doctor? You need a good complete checkup to make sure that your health is as good as it can be under these stressful times. You also must be checked for STD's, not a pleasant thought, but one which must be dealt with in this age and if there is any sexual activities happening between more then two partners.

The changing of stories as to what the WS will say to their spouse and then to the OP is normal. There is a lot of confusion, there is a lot of conflict avoidance...telling whatever it is which is the most likely to be what they one WS is talking to wants to hear.

Good Luck!

click on the link in my signature line for lots of useful information. He is reading right from the WS script.

bonnie five:

My d-day was 1/02/03, so i'm not far enough into recovery to offer you any help BUT i do want to address some of your points, just so you know that your husband isn't the only one doing/saying these things.

We'll be married 35 years this August, have 2 daughters, lovely home, successful business, etc etc. I suspected "something" as his attitude and personality began to change...in fact, i told him in October that i didn't know who he was...i said, "i don't know who or what you are that took over my husband's body, but i don't like you. I want you out and my old husband back. If that can't happen, then i want YOU OUT of this house and OUT of my LIFE." I discovered he removed my name from one savings account and he stopped giving me money from another source. He also tried removing my name from an investment account, however the company called me to let me know they didn't do it b/c i didn't give permission. The dumbest thing he did was to buy all new underwear! Go figure, that makes me laugh now!!!! Not really, i'm just trying to show you how stupid they can get when they think with the wrong part of their anatomy.

His "lover" was married 2x, she is slightly wacky, they met in a bar, he counselled her thru her divorce, she allegedly counselled him thru my recovery from a near-fatal accident. Then when she/they/he whomever thought it was OK.....well, the rest is history. She thought she was getting him, our house, and everything else. The only thing he ended up getting was a horrible case of guilt and remorse for breaking our wedding vows and a vow we made to each other.

Shortly after my October Outburst, he began staying home, coming home when he should, and my strange hangup untraceable phone calls stopped. Finally on Jan 2, i couldn't stand the uncertainty anymore and i asked THE question and got the answer i really knew for over a year.

Now we are in a difficult (but i feel in my heart) but salvageable situation. He finds it almost unbearable to look at me, in fact he finds excuses to spend time at work (i know for a fact he doesn't see HER anymore), he acts like he is in pain and grieving, our daughters are angry w/him, life is truly a b**ch for him right now.

As I said, I am not wise enough yet to give advice, however, from what i've learned thus far, i'll say: 50 years make for a big investment, not only in time but also in love and caring; someone whose been married 4x and is 56 isn't going to look after a 70yo man if he happens to get down and need care; hang in, DON'T GIVE UP. From alot of the reading i've been doing online, i've learned that men are more challenged and afraid of growing old and dying than women and many many have an affair just to prove to themselves that women are still attracted to them...just as they were when they were young.

Perhaps this hasn't answered your questions. I hope it has helped a little to know that someone "older" is right along with you, walking the path, sharing your burden, praying with you, and God will help us, bonnie...I know and believe that with all my heart. Meanwhile, keep posting, the people on this site are wonderful. The advice they give are the best...for they've been there, done this, and they speak from experience.

Thanks for your encouraging words, he still won't talk to me. Friend talked to him and he is very adament that it is all my fault (although he was so sneaky about leaving and never talked to me about it ..... just constantly acted so glum, but always was moody, thought he would snap out of it).This woman has been after him the past two years, always coming to his business (service station) wanting him to do favors for her. People teased him about her but never thought he was so stupid. Went out of town with my daughter for three days and evidently he was running his mouth he would be alone......and she really jumped on the opportunity. Other daughter came over the first nite and he had the phone off the hook (evidently she had been harrassing him) told my son-in-law someone had been calling he didn't want to talk to. Friday nite she had him come look at her computer(she finally got him to her house....and that was it).

dear Bonie five,
I am so sorry to hear your story. Its silly I know but one of the things that i thought of in the early days after discovering my H's affair was that I will never have that 50 year anniversary and have my H be able to say that life together had always been wonderful like my dad and his dad were both able to say to our mothers. Both celebrated 50 years recently. That was just me relunctant to give up my fantasy marriage and accept reality. I have always admired people in long term comitted relationships. This must be such a shock for you.

I have been with my husband 24 years, married twenty. We have three children, 18, 17 and 13. I am almost one and a half years since my Dday. I discovered my H and former best friend had been in an affair for six years and had also had a brief fling 13 years prior to Dday. In those early days I thought it was hopeless and in fact did not want to remain in marriage myself. However after a rocky and turbulent roller coaster of time and counselling and heart searching, we are together and probably have a better relationship now than we would have if this had never happened. Not that I would advise this as a way to reach this.

I guess my message is although things seem hopeless try not to lose hope. Emotions and feelings change like the wind. The reality of what yourH is doing is bound to affect him and relationship with OW. Read all you can here about Plan A and surviving affair. Other good books are Torn Asunder, Tough love and After the affair.

I know I changed what I initially felt. I at first couldn't concieve of staying with my H, but here I am still together.It will be hard, but there is hope. Hang in there

C&S

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words, I am reading all I can, and praying, but sometimes I really do wonder. Yesterday I got a letter from his lawyer, he wants to come and pick up the rest of his stuff, wants to bring someone I cannot stand to lend him a hand, but told me the OW would not be with him (I cannot believe that was in the letter from the lawyer). I think she must have been to the lawyers with him. I feel like I am dealing with a kindergarden child. I was so p..... when I got the letter I went by and told him I needed to talk to him. Said he would call me today or tomorrow and come by to talk (he said if I didn't argue with him....I told him the only time I get upset and hollar at him is when he starts lying, I told him he even went to the lawyers and lied...his reply, just give me one example. I told him I was not arguing with him or discussing it then. If he comes I am going to ask him to talk, the first thing he will say is and what did you want to talk about. I intend to tell him I only plan to listen. She got him a cell phone so she can keep tabs on him. While I was talking to him it started to ring, he tried to ignore it (had it in his pocket) finally after several rings I told him you better answer you cell phone, probably was her he clicked it off. (He didn't think I knew he had a cell phone). He probably won't call or come by, we will see. He is so far out you can't reach him, I don't know the man anymore. Our daughters said they loved thier dad, but don't know who this man is. Hanging in there, bonnie five.

bonnie five,

thinking about you and wondering how you are doing/coping with all that's going on w/your WH and the OW. today i looked at my WH and thought "who the h**l are you, i STILL want my husband back. wish you'd return to the planet you came from." this is so difficult and a rough road to walk. i'm praying and praying. keep your faith, GOD WILL HELP US.

"By persistence, even the snail reached the Ark."

Simmy
M 34y
Dday 1/02/03

It has been three weeks since he was supposed to come and talk to me, I have called him twice, and he always says he is so busy and will call me.Last week sister & brother-in-law came to visit so had to tell them. Brother-in-law went to see him and what does he do but tell him he wants him to meet someone, and introduces him to her. Told brother-in-law that I will not talk to him.Grandsons birthday was a couple days ago, I dont think he even thought of it. It is just like he stepped out the door, erased his past, and we are history. It has been four months, is there any hope?

I am truly sorry for your pain. I have been in your place before myself.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

I keep reading and trying to keep my mind occupied, sometimes I start to accept things I cannot change, then I get caught up in memories, but who said life was fair. Yesterday I went to the lawyer, he had asked to come and get his stuff. Lawyer wanted to know if I wanted to tell him to come and get it and I said no. There is a mortgage on the house (for the station, and the station always paid in the past, but he has left with me) I told the lawyer when he transfered the mortgage from the house to the business and signed the house over to me he could get his stuff. He probably won't like that, but there is no talking to him, he just lies and lies. Even if he were telling me the truth I don't know if I could believe him....but if he is lying so much to me he must be lying to her too, but evidently she is lying to him also. He brought paperwork over to do the taxes (took him two months,,just kept putting it off) I called him and told him I was not calling him again, if he didn't have it over here by the 11th of April I was doing my taxes separately and he could do whatever he wanted. (Brought a bunch of garbage...handwritten (by her) list of things paid from 11-31 December (I have all the other paperwork) no receipts some copies of things I already had...I just used what I had and told him I couldn't use stuff just written down ..I needed the receipts. He is in a fog so deep he'll never get out, all he complains about is all the taxes and bills he has to pay...welcome to the real world! He don't have a clue. I guess when he wakes up it will be too late. They have been doing so many sneaky things I don't put anything past them. (She has the experience being married four times). (Even took hims to her lawyer.) Give me some advice.

Bonnie,
This looks to me like a different type of problem. It looks like from her history she is after the money. She knows how to get it, and is already taking him around doing it exactly how she wants it done at the banks.

I believe the best thing for you to do is to protect yourself. I suggest you file for D right now and protect your life before she has a chance to hide it all or use it up. You can't help H right now anyway until he realizes what is happening and wants help. Protect what you can and perhaps you can pick up the pieces later when he realizes what she is and what she is after. I don't believe this is a case of misplaced love so much as a pre-calculated ploy on her part to separate him from his money.

You can see more than we can, what do you think?

If you think this is the case, get an AGRESSIVE lawyer and go after it. Don't use a nice family friend, and don't wait.

It may be that you can save enough that when she can no longer fool him, you and he can still have a life - if you want it that way. Remember you don't have to take him back if you don't want to.

I am so sorry for this pain in what ought to be a very good time of your life. I'll pray for you and want you to know that we care about you.

SS

You are right, she is a very evil wicked woman, and he is so stupid, the lawyer even said he was soooooo stupid, and that is about all I can do right now is protect myself. How he ever got so caught up with her I will never know, she is everything he was ever against, but I guess she has convinced him, he is so gullable, I really do not know him anymore, and really so stupid, he still thinks no one knows. I don't know if he really thinks that or just does not care. He is such a fool. He couldn't have any respect for himself or anyone else, and the two of them profess to be so religious, he is Presbyterian she is Baptist, he has not been going to his church so I assume he is going to her church. (I am Catholic..) One of her ex husbands was a free-will baptist preacher...I guess that is why he thinks she knows so much about the Bible. He is living with her and still denies that (it is about 40 miles from here and they commute each day here) so I guess they are in their own little world. Today I could hit him up the side of the head and have no remorse. He has hurt everyone so much...so little does he know, and she is just a B>>>>>. She says she is a retired Navy Commander, but works a minimum pay job setting with the elderly...something does not jive there, and she has no class...more like a redneck. Let me quit rambling. thanks to everyone.

am praying for you and your family.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 01, 2003, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

Bonnie, I wanted to say one more thing. This is marriage builders, and we are supposed to support people that want to save their marriage. I just figured after reading your story that the best way to save yours was to claim as much of his money as you could so she couldn't get it. If you can get most of it, I think she might leave to chase someone else that was a little easier to get. I didn't want to leave you with the idea that I didn't support you in saving your M.

SS

I really would like to save my marriage, fifty years is a lifetime, and everything we have worked for is now nothing. I feel like I am dealing with her through him, he doesn't seem to have a mind of his own anymore. She is everything that he ever was against, I just cannot understand it. There is no talking to him, he is still blaming me, tells everyone that I spent all his money and maxed out his credit cards...which is not so. When I asked him, he swears he has not said that and has not discussed our business with anyone....what a liar. I told him then if he didn't say that then she must have, of course he defends her and says she wouldn't do that, and besides she doesn't know anyone we know. WOW!!! Sometimes I just wish it would all be over. Lawyer told him to take the mortgage off the house and put it on the business, but by the time he gets around to it he probably won't be able to get an ounce of credit. He just keeps charging and has two new credit cards. Wish I knew what he was thinking......evidently he is not. He won't even tell me what the problem was that initiated all of this, the first time he told me that I shut him out and wouldn't talk to him, then he changed it to that I argued with him all the time. We had our spats and words before but nothing to create a problem like this, and I have gotten so perturbed with him to tell him to get the h..out, but he never approached me to discuss his being unhappy about anything, he just closed me out the last month or so before he left, and I thought he was just going through one of his moods. But evidently he was discussing everything with her and I don't know I guess I will never understand.. No one can believe what he has done...and like someone told me, no one will speak up now, but when it is all over they will all come forward to tell you everything. Sorry for rambling on. But thank you everyone for your words.

Hi Bonnie,
I hope you are doing reasonably well today.

I really would like to save my marriage, fifty years is a lifetime, and everything we have worked for is now nothing.

Perhaps - I know it must seem like your life was wasted, but you still have what you have made yourself into, and I suspect that even with what seems like the loss of your H, you are still a fine person. I believe that no matter what, you will still be a fine person when this is over.

I feel like I am dealing with her through him, he doesn't seem to have a mind of his own anymore.
He doesn't. He is in an addiction right now, and it is controlling him.

She is everything that he ever was against, I just cannot understand it. There is no talking to him, he is still blaming me, tells everyone that I spent all his money and maxed out his credit cards...which is not so. When I asked him, he swears he has not said that and has not discussed our business with anyone....what a liar. I told him then if he didn't say that then she must have, of course he defends her and says she wouldn't do that, and besides she doesn't know anyone we know. WOW!!!
This is a textbook example of an A. If you have not yet, get the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it, it will give you a great deal of help coping with your feelings.

Sometimes I just wish it would all be over. Lawyer told him to take the mortgage off the house and put it on the business, but by the time he gets around to it he probably won't be able to get an ounce of credit. He just keeps charging and has two new credit cards.
That's why I said get a very aggressive Lawyer and go to court RIGHT NOW. If something doesn't happen to stop her, she will take the money and run.

Wish I knew what he was thinking......evidently he is not. He won't even tell me what the problem was that initiated all of this, the first time he told me that I shut him out and wouldn't talk to him, then he changed it to that I argued with him all the time.
Remember that he cannot do logical thinking right now, so you can't "Reason" with him. You can't reason with someone that is unreasonable. You really want to know why but you won't be able to get any good answers from him because he understands this even less than you do. You are better off leaving the questions alone and saying things like " I am so sorry this happened, I wish we were still together." If you ask him why, he will try and think up reasons but you won't get anything of value right now.

We had our spats and words before but nothing to create a problem like this, and I have gotten so perturbed with him to tell him to get the h..out, but he never approached me to discuss his being unhappy about anything, he just closed me out the last month or so before he left, and I thought he was just going through one of his moods. But evidently he was discussing everything with her and I don't know I guess I will never understand.. No one can believe what he has done...and like someone told me, no one will speak up now, but when it is all over they will all come forward to tell you everything.

There is never a justification for what he has done. Perhaps you did contribute, we really don't know. There are many things you can do to improve this situation you are in now. I would also suggest calling the Harleys for a phone consultation regarding your situation. They are really good at what they do and it would be a big help to you if you had a solid plan to get your marriage back.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, I will pray for your happiness and success.

Sorry for rambling on. But thank you everyone for your words.
You don't ramble, I think you do a very good job of expressing what is happening. Thank you for sharing your story with us, it is nice to get to know you a little bit. I hope this works for you, we care what happens to you.

SS

He has been gone for five months now, and still in a deep fog, he's always been a little slow, but he doesn't appear to be any where near coming out. He doesn't even act interested in talking, says he knows we need to, but just puts it off. I don't even care too much about talking to him.He has never accepted responsibility, and I guess out of sight, out of mind. I'm not sure what to do, I have asked him what his intentions were and all he can say is I don't know. I just wish he would tell me what he intends to do. (Really I think she is running the show and whatever she tells him is what is) and as much as he lies to me he has got to be lying to her too, and she is probably lying to him too. What a mess, she told one person she has a son living with his father 14 years old, told someone else she has a son 22 years old...I don't know maybe she has two...WH said her children are older and don't live at home...with four ex husbands who knows. (And my stupid WH living with her, which he still denies to me, I don't know what he tells everyone else, Tells me no one knows). I just wonder if he will ever come to his senses. I haven't talked to him since the middle of April when I did the taxes, and I guess if I wait for him to call it will be forever. Maybe I should just throw the towel in.

Bonnie,
Remember that he is in a addiction. He can't tell you want he wants, or what he will do, because he doesn't understand this any more than you do. Sure he went off the deep end, but who knows they will be an alcoholic when they take the first taste?

Have you made up your mind what you will do?

Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" yet?

What other help do you have for getting through this?

SS

There is a time for thought and a time for action, I guess I am still in the thought stage, and the hope stage. I just keep hoping he will finally come to his senses and come around. Yes I have read "Surviving an Affair", very good book.I would give it to him to read, but I know he would never read it.

Met him at the Post Office today, I drove into the parking lot and he crossed right in front of me and didn't see me (I don't know if he really didn't or just ignored me). I was walking in and he was coming out and started across the parking lot, I hollared at him so he stopped and talked for a couple minutes. Our grandson left for Europe yesterday and he asked if he got off okay and wanted to know if anyone had heard from him. Last month he told me he would get a new lightswitch for the hallway and put it in, told me he had the new switches and would come over and put them in. (We will see). (He was driving her car...I asked him where the truck was, he said it used too much gas so he was driving the Honda) It was 4:30 so I'm sure he was going to pick her up and it is 40 miles one way to his new home.(I know, I need to quit talking like that, and should not have even asked him about the truck). RIght now I cannot afford a call with the Harleys or I would. Right now I just take one day at a time and hope and pray for the best. Thank you.