Bonnie,
That part about thought and action is not there especially for you. What I mean is, it's my signature line, and is on every one of my posts. I did not mean you needed to do something right now.

Whenever you talk to him, be nice. Don't say sarcastic things or try and guilt him. We tend to stay away from things that make us guilty when we are doing things wrong. You don't need to be sugar sweet, but try and be upbeat and happy when you ask him to come do things. He may come (it will make him feel better to help you out) and you will get a chance to meet some needs and talk to him. By now real life is probably intruding on his fantasy with her, and if you can meet some needs it may help him to see that life with you was better.

I hope you are doing reasonably well - I'll continue to pray for you.

SS

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Still Seeking:
Yes, I realize that is your signature line, but it just seemed to fit the moment..smile...cause I guess I'm really more in thought than anything, trying to figure out the best action. Talked to him for a few minutes today, his gas bill came to the house and I took it to him, and had to ask him about the vehicle insurance, which is due the end of the month....and surprisingly..he said I will pay the insurance, you paid it last time. I asked him if I could use the truck one weekend, and he said just let me know when, it's your truck. (It really is his, but is in my name). It was the nicest he has been. Had a stuffed animal for my granddaughter and a movie and asked if I would give it to her. When I left said he would try to get over to fix the light switches. So maybe there is hope...I hope and pray.
Hanora: Yes I have gotten legal advice, and the lawyer said she sounded like a gold digger to him also. He wants to divide everything and sign a legal separation. I keep hoping we won't have to go that far. WH told me today he was going to try to get the mortgage transferred from the house to the business. Lawyer wanted me to give copies of federal income taxes for the past three years to him to forward to WH's lawyer...I told WH if he needed copies of the taxes, all he had to do was ask me and I would give them to him.
Thank's to everyone for their thoughts and prayers, it certainly helps.
Bonnie Five
Married 50 years
WH left 11 Dec 02 (70 yrs old)
(Moved in with OW (married 4 times)(56 years old)

Hi Bonnie,

You sound better, like you are back on your feet and have some hope. Don't give up on things, keep working on it from all the angles you can think of.

I hope he does respond for your asking for help, contact in person is good if you can continue to be nice to him. ( which is backward, but that's the way it is.)

Let us know how you are.

SS

Still Seeking, thank you for your replies. I guess I'm as confused as he is, sometimes I really do think I should just hang it up and move on.....I would give anything to get back to the old times, but he makes no effort to have any contact with me, is that normal? Although he has been nicer the last couple times I did talk to him. I just wish he would set down and talk to me and tell me what is on his mind. Does he plan to live with her forever (he still tells me he has a room and is not living with her) how long can this go on? Life is just for the birds right now. She certainly is not taking care of him, last time I saw him he looked kind of rough, and needed a haircut. Couple months ago I told him she was not taking too good of care of him (which I probably should not have said) and he told me no one was taking care of him, he was taking care of himself. Guess I'm just having a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be better. I still cannot beleive that he has done this. Bonnie Five

&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.thank you for your replies.
You are very welcome, and polite too.

I guess I'm as confused as he is, sometimes I really do think I should just hang it up and move on.....I would give anything to get back to the old times, but he makes no effort to have any contact with me, is that normal?

It is normal for many, many affairs. Remember it is like an addiction. An addict sometimes wishes they could get out of the hole they are in, but they often can&#8217;t by themselves. Sometimes they even try and break out but they fall back.

How were old times? Did you always feel close? Feel like you drifted apart? Did you do things together weekly? Live separate lives in the same house?

&#8230;. Although he has been nicer the last couple times I did talk to him.
Always a good sign, but you still don&#8217;t know what he is thinking.

I just wish he would set down and talk to me and tell me what is on his mind. Does he plan to live with her forever (he still tells me he has a room and is not living with her) how long can this go on? Life is just for the birds right now.
Do you have an idea of what you want to do short term and long term? A kind of plan?

She certainly is not taking care of him, last time I saw him he looked kind of rough, and needed a haircut. Couple months ago I told him she was not taking too good of care of him (which I probably should not have said) and he told me no one was taking care of him, he was taking care of himself.
Well, you never thought she had his best interest at heart, and this seems to confirm that you were right. I hope he sees it soon. Sometimes they are so proud that they don&#8217;t want to admit they were wrong, and they hang on to their mistake a long time out of that pride.

Guess I'm just having a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be better. I still cannot beleive that he has done this.

Were there any clues the past few years that he was unhappy? I wonder if she went after him on purpose and he didn&#8217;t even know what hit him, but you would know better than I do.
Those bad days come and go, you just have to keep saying &#8220; things will be better tomorrow.&#8221; Usually they are better, if not tomorrow, then the next day. When you get so it is always bad, that&#8217;s when you need to finish it if there is no progress.

Are there family things you can invite him to? Will your daughters invite him over for something or are they angry? School plays? Sporting events? Grandchildren&#8217;s birthday parties or anything you can attend as a couple? Any way you can spend time with him usually helps. It makes OW mad and she LB&#8217;s and it deposits love in his love bank for you. You may explain about plan A to your daughters and see if they will help, even though they may be angry with him. Just make sure they don&#8217;t come unglued and let him have it while he is there.

Have you any other ideas about how to spend time with him?

Bonnie, take care of yourself, eat right and get your sleep. You can get through this.

I hope you have at least one good friend that you can talk to. Two would be better.

SS

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Still Seeking:
I appreciate your replies, old times we used to do everything together. In November I think is when I really begin to notice his moody actions. (He always was a sort of moody person, sort of a spoiled rotten kid, when things didn't go his way his mood could change like the weather. He could get teed about something and buzz out of the room and come back a few minutes later like nothing was said or done in a good mood. Most the times you wouldn't even know what he got upset about, if you asked he said I wasn't mad or upset. My youngest daughter's birthday was Nov 8, mine was Nov 21 and Thanksgiving was the 28th. Normally always big family affairs, but this past Nov he was so glum and moody both my daughters made a remark at Thanksgiving about how he was acting, sort of put a damper on things all three times. I told them I didn't know what was the matter with him. They said I needed to talk to him, I said he won't talk to me. On Saturdays we always went somewhere (usually to the next town, north, south, or west it was about an hour away) we'd just go for the ride and maybe shop and go eat. Last time we went was the 16th of Nov, and coming home we got into an argument, he started asking me about money and said he had someone coming to give him an estimate on repairing the roof of the business. (He had it repaired once and it leaked worse when it was finished than before, but he had already paid the guy and couldn't get up with him). I said who is this person and I cetainly hope he is better than that last one you had. He didn't have a name or anything, but a few minutes later told me I would just have to transfer some money. I didn't know how much he was talking bout or anything and said maybe there isn't that much there. That made him mad and he didn't talk to me the rest of the way home, got up the next morning and said he was going fishing (rainy and cold out). Daughter and husband was coming over later for dinner, and he wasn't home. I said I didn't know where he was said he was going fishing but certainly couldn't be fishing in that weather. He came home shortly and everyone just made a joke about him fishing. (Later found out he had spent the day at her house......gas ticket showed where he bought gas ..40 mi from here). They were already planning this. I think she had her claws in him for the past two years (and he is so naive she had him entwined before he knew what was going on) she has been married four times (last husband was a preacher, supposedly)and I guess she confided in him how awful he was and didn't have anyone to do anything for her and had him doing all her little favors and she told him how wonderful he was and in the meantime evidently he was trying to make me tell him to get out but it didn't work that way so he sneaked out. He even told me after he left that even when he would come home late all I did was ask him where he had been and when he said he was working I didn't say anymore....what can you say when you know they are lying. I guess after 50 years you just don't expect this, you know something isn't right, just hope it will straighten up.

He was supposed to come over today, didn't even call. Called our daughter and wanted to stop by her house to bring something for our granddaughter.She told him she was getting ready to go somewhere, she told him he would have to call another time. She said she can hardly talk to him, everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. Told her he saw me yesterdy (not so). Has called the younger daughter once, told this daughter to tell her hello. Why can't he pick up the phone and call her if he can't go see her? She was the first one to call him after he left, and left a very nice message and asked him to call her. I think he is so guilty and has told so many lies he does not know if he is coming or going. Both of them said they don't know him anymore. He told someone that he would be able to get thru to the older daughter, and it would be harder to get thru to the younger one, but they would eventually come around. His insignificant other told someone "I told him to call his girls"......I bet. They both said, we have names, we're not just girls. Really I think she has a very short leash on him, and one of these days maybe he will wake up and realize it.I don't really have any short or long term plans at the present. I keep thinking different things different ways, sometimes I do get perturbed and think sort of drastic, but I always think it out.
I just hope and pray it will work out for the better.

Hi Bonnie,

I don't really have any short or long term plans at the present. I keep thinking different things different ways, sometimes I do get perturbed and think sort of drastic, but I always think it out.
I just hope and pray it will work out for the better.

I hope you can continue to cope with your feelings. It is a terrible thing, and that doesn't come near to describe it. Nothing can describe those feelings.

If she is keeping him on a short leash, see if you can get your daughters to help her to LB. Have them call and invite him things. Tell they why. If he wants to go to family gathernings and it makes them ( H and OW) fight it can only do harm to their relationship. It may make daughters sick to have that kind of contact - the lies are hard to take.

I dont' post every day, and it is really hard on weekends, but I care.

I hope you spend lots of time at your daughters homes, and that you feel loved there.

Nothing I can see in the story you told that gives any more clues into helping you reconcile. I agree that she must have been working on him for quite some time. Sorry for making you talk about it. I believe she gave him admiration, and though we can get along without it, many men react to it when it is given. It's hard not to.

It's hard to cope with what happened when your spouse gives no clues. If he had told you he was having trouble, you could, and would have helped, but he didn't. Please don't blame yourself.

Is there any thing you would have done different now that you know?

SS

I hope you are.............lets see, I know you won't be doing really well, but I hope you are OK, not doing really bad.

Any changes?

SS

Still Seeking
Thank you for your replies, I'm doing okay, some days are better than others. I see my daughters a lot, thank goodness for them. He has called the older daughter a couple times, but she didn't talk to him, doesn't call the younger one, he probably feels she has lost respect for him and he doesn't know how to handle it, if he can't handle something he tries to avoid it.

Grandson sent an E-mail from Europe (he is backpacking Europe this summer) one night I was on the computer and checked and WH was on so chatted with him and asked him if he had heard from our grandson. He said he hadn't heard from him so I asked him if he would like me to forward the e-mail to him, said he would so I forwarded it to him. Suddenly in the middle of his typing it stopped for about ten minutes (I think the OW must have came up and he had to quit) little later he came back on, then he sent a thank you to the older daughter. (She didn't know what he was talking about, but figured he was using her as an alibi, and another day when I called him he called her back). So evidently whenever he has contact with me and she finds out he says it was our daughter. What a heck of a way to live.

He has a cell phone (her way to keep tabs on him evidently) won't give the cell number to anyone, but neither of them are too swift (but pretty sneaky). I have caller i.d. and it shows the number, so silly. Now when you call the business, the calls are forwarded to his cell phone, I am sure so she can read the cell phone bill and see who all he has talked to. He is so foolish.

Today he came over and fixed the hall light, and the light in the den, the fanswitch was acting up so he is going to have to come back (and left his meter here too). But wasn't too happy when he left cause he asked for his fishing rod and I said I didn't think so, but he wouldn't really talk just kept talking about the light switch and what he was working on, I really didn't say anything out of line, was hard, did ask a couple questions, he answered, but didn't elaborate on anything, although there was a million things I would have loved to have asked him, but he is still way out there. I just wish he would talk to me.

I just posted but had an after thought, I thought I had the ball being married fifty years, but now I really wonder what hopes do I have, he moved out and moved right in with her (I wasn't aware of what was going on) he still denies he is living with her, it has been almost six months, and as long as he is with her what hopes do I really have?

Bonnie,
It is plain that when he has contact with you, it drives her crazy. Keep it up, and have your daughters help. Go see him at work if you have to. Take him gifts, and she will continue to LB. It will help him see what he has done.

I just posted but had an after thought, I thought I had the ball being married fifty years, but now I really wonder what hopes do I have, he moved out and moved right in with her (I wasn't aware of what was going on) he still denies he is living with her, it has been almost six months, and as long as he is with her what hopes do I really have?

What hopes do you have? This isn't what you asked about exactly, but here goes.
You are a person in your own right. You have hopes independent of him. You have other dreams, you have children, you have your senses, your talents, your abilities. You still have blessings, still have things to be thankful for. At this point, we don't know, but here is a story for you to read. Perhaps it will give you hope.

Lostva's story

Go about 6 down to Lostva's big post ( there is a small one only a few down, go past that.)

Bonnie, try to find the good, it's hard, but it's still there. Don't give up yet.
It's hard to find the right words to help in every case, but I want to help, even if I don't always know what to say. I believe in your ability, life is never as dark as we think. Please hold on a few more months. OK?

SS

You've been getting great advice from "still seeking" but I did want to jump in here and re-enforce the first part of her last reply.

Become even a bigger factor in his life. Call him, be in her face everytime she turns around. I'm not saying stalk him or anything, just general calls which will show her that he is speaking to you OFTEN. They don't need to be long calls or ones which are really important. Figure out small items you need to discuss with him. Anything to do with the house, business, cars, kids, grandkids...whatever.

Believe me...she isn't buying his lies about "I was talking to my daughters" all the time...she knows he lies...she helped him with his lies to you. She is on the lookout for lies he tells her. She's going to be wondering what most OP wonder..."he/she did it with me...he/she will do it TO me."

It sounds as if she is scared to death that he's going to pack his little suitcase and head back home. The more fear she has, the more tension she will create for him, the better for you.

Whenever you see him...be upbeat, do NOT talk relationship...show him your "happy face" if you have to paste it on. Think about something he likes and make sure that whenever he comes over...you've got it. (A special wine you both love, a cigar he likes, cookies only you make...whatever....use your head!)

Make whatever time spent with him either on the phone or in person pleasant. Make sure that each time it ends he leaves with a good memory of the time spent with you.

Believe me...this is what she did to get him...play her own game and let her be the one worried as to what he is doing when out of sight. JMHO

Remember...six months or there about is the normal timeframe of affairs...now that doesn't mean it will be over tomorrow...but it may be going down hill....and that's the direction you want.

Hmmmm... Hi bonnie, well gee, I just got done reading your posts and I was wondering if you have ever followed him home to see where his "room" really is located?

I might have missed something but do you know for sure he is living with the OW? Just curious.

If you followed him and confronted him boy, I bet that would startle him because for one thing, he is probably not expecting you to DO something like that, you know, catch him redhanded going to her place or their place or whatever...

If you have not done that, have you thought about doing it? If you don't feel like you have the strength to do it alone, would your daughter(s) go with you?

You have the right to know the truth for once and for all, don't you?

And, if you did know this for sure, would it help you to get to the next level in your recovery from this pain? If anything, perhaps it would get him in a position where he can feel free to quit denying what you already know and have known.

I don't know what to tell you, actually. Being married for 50 years is all of our dream when we said I DO! All I can say to you is consider yourself hugged...

Still Seeking, Just a Wifey & BinthereDUNthat,
Reading your replys sustains me, I read Lostva's story, what an inspiration, I printed it and have read it several times. I will reply to each of you, but right now just want to say thank you. I am so glad I found MB. Most people don't know what to say, except they are so sorry, and go to a lawyer and divorce him. They don't understand. Most people are not too encouraging, I don't think they understand the pain and hurt you go through, oh I am always rambling, just want to say thank you right now and will post more later.

Still Seeking,
Yes I have a lot to be thankful for, but this just about drives me crazy sometimes. He is the one that has done wrong, but I'm the one that has to pay. I did read Lostva's story, what a lady, and what a story! It was so enlightening, you can not help but to be happy for her. He is supposed to come over (tomorrow he said, but he never does what he says, and I will probably have to call him and remind him, and a few days later he will finally make it). All I can say, is what a jerk. But when he does come this time I am going to tell him I need to talk to him about us. Three months ago he was supposed to take the mortgage off of the house and put it on the business, last time I asked him if he had done anything about it, his answer was that well he had checked but hadn't done anything. He is just going to have to talk (he never has accepted responsibility) and tell me what the heck he plans to do. I know he is really in a fog so deep he can not see and she has a leash on him that is getting shorter & shorter, something has got to give. He always tells me he doesn't have any money, doesn't go anywhere cause he cannot afford to, then tells others he is doing this & that and going here and there. In the meantime I will just hang on and hope for the best, he will probably get mad when I tell him he is going to have to tell me what the heck he plans to do, he keeps saying "I don't know". Bout time he did know. I think I'm going to tell him if he can't decide what to do does he want me to check on a mortgage for him, or call a real estate agent and put the station up for sale. Bout time to ____ or get off the pot.

Just a Wifey 2002,
Glad to hear from you again.
Sometimes I think it is going downhill, but lately I wonder, my granddaughter called him to look at her car, first day he had to run somewhere so he would not be there, then she was supposed to meet him there the next day at l0, she waited and waited and he came in at ll:l5, he is not even working most of the time, she had to leave cause she is working thru the summer and had to be at work at noon. SO her car still is not fixed (a/c wasn't working). He doesn't work on my car (I always took it to the dealers, there was too many arguments when he was supposed to do something on it and never got it done) You know, like the shoemakers son who had no shoes..smile). I took it for service couple weeks ago, but it needs a new state inspection this month, so maybe I'll get him to do that, then she can see my name on the inspection report...haha. Last couple times I have tried to be upbeat, but next time he will probably get mad cause he is going to have to face some facts. Thank all of youse for your encourgement.

BINthereDUNthat
He doesn't have a "room". Yes I know for sure that he is living with her, he is just a liar, and such a liar. It is almost 40 miles to her house (in the next county). He thought I was following him once here in town (I wasn't just started out the same way he did) and he started cutting down side streets, I thought, he thinks I'm following him, so goofy, I went on my way and saw him up ahead again. He was going to pick her up and didn't want me to know where he was going evidently. He doesn't drive the truck back and forth anymore, (he said it used too much gas) so they commute together in her little car. They are both so sneaky I don't put anything past them.Things that I don't think he would ever do on his own, but he is so gullible and she is leading him by the nose. (I told him he took his wedding band off and she put it in his nose). I feel I have the right to know the truth too, but at this point he is not capable. I have thought of some ornery things to do myself, but always think twice and decide I won't put myself at their level. I have seen her once, she was in the truck, I walked up and asked her if she was
so & so (Icalled her by name) she immediately put the window up and turned her head the other way.
Both daughters have met her and said how rude and crude she was. The one was talking to her father with her little girl and the OW came in, put her face right between them and said, oh I have to tell you something and started whispering in his ear. My daughter walked out, she hollared oh don't leave on my account. He came out after her and she told him, I don't know who that woman was but she is about the rudest person I ever saw. I don't know what he sees in her, everyone says she is so loud, crude and sloppy. (Everything he was ever against) Sunday is father's day, I thought of sending him a card, but don't think so. Oldest daughter was getting cards and said she thought about it, but said he is so disgusting right now she decided against it. The other daughter said she didn't even want to think about fathers day Sunday. He does not know how he has tarnished his image with them. Isn't it amazing, Fifty Years, what a milestone, evidently doesn't mean anything to him. This woman really has him under her spell......or something. No one can believe what he has done.

...........Yes I have a lot to be thankful for, but this just about drives me crazy sometimes.

It's hard to support someone - I mean, what can we do for each other really except give a little advice, and continue to show that we care. The words you say don't come near to explaining the anguish you feel, and the ones we use can't convey how much we would like to help.

He is the one that has done wrong, but I'm the one that has to pay.
I know it seems that way, but you know the law of the harvest. " Whatsoever a man sew, so shall he also reap."
Or words like that. I have lived long enough ( and so have you) to know that is true. I think there is another one about sewing the wind, and reaping the whirlwind. You have a lot of pain right now, but nothing compared to his if he doesn't put things right. I don't mean to make your loss look small, for it's not. I do intend to remind you that it isn't over yet, and if you live well through all this, you will be happy when the dust clears. I believe you know this is true.

I did read Lostva's story, what a lady, and what a story! It was so enlightening, you can not help but to be happy for her. He is supposed to come over (tomorrow he said, but he never does what he says, and I will probably have to call him and remind him, and a few days later he will finally make it). All I can say, is what a jerk.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
I don't disagree, and you are very nice about it, but there is a lot of pain in there - still.
What are you doing to work through your feelings? You need a girl friend or daughter to talk to also, and I hope you do talk to someone. I get the feeling you are a very private person, and that you have tried to keep this between you and your H. For most things that is good, but I suggest you let off some steam on this one because he may not be much help for a time.

But when he does come this time I am going to tell him I need to talk to him about us.
Remember that you can't make him do anything. You can't argue your self back into your marriage. If logic worked, he wouldn't have left in the first place.
I have been around the boards for more than a year, and I recommend plan A, and then plan B. If they don't work, then I don't think other things would work anyway. I still think that if you tied up the money there is a good chance she would leave and look for another "mark."

Three months ago he was supposed to take the mortgage off of the house and put it on the business, last time I asked him if he had done anything about it, his answer was that well he had checked but hadn't done anything. He is just going to have to talk (he never has accepted responsibility) and tell me what the heck he plans to do.

It is not to HER advantage for him to do that, so I think you may have to use threats to get it done. Please don't hold back on this part, you deserve better. It may drive her nuts, and it will secure your future.

now he is really in a fog so deep he can not see and she has a leash on him that is getting shorter & shorter, something has got to give. He always tells me he doesn't have any money, doesn't go anywhere cause he cannot afford to, then tells others he is doing this & that and going here and there.
Just a wife 2002 did a good post on this one. Keep up the contact so she continues to be the Love Buster queen. No one wants to live with a controlling angry person, and that's what she will be if he continues to have contact with you.

In the meantime I will just hang on and hope for the best, he will probably get mad when I tell him he is going to have to tell me what the heck he plans to do, he keeps saying "I don't know". Bout time he did know. I think I'm going to tell him if he can't decide what to do does he want me to check on a mortgage for him, or call a real estate agent and put the station up for sale. Bout time to ____ or get off the pot.

I agree, but again, I think you will have to force it. A registered mail letter from an attorney may be enough stating that you intend to sue him for all he's worth if he doesn't do the paperwork by Sept. first or something. Check with your Lawyer but follow through on what is said, don't bluff and then fold.

Please know you can be happy no matter what happens. It's hard, but it has been done my many and there are thousands of threads here in the old files to prove it. Lostva isn't the only one.

I continue to pray for your marriage to recover, and for you personally to have strength for the journey, and to find happiness no matter what happens. I hope this helps at least a little bit.

SS

Still Seeking - I really appreciate your replies, you are a wonderful person thank you..I just wanted to post a reply to bump this up. I haven't got all my thoughts together right now. I am going to start thinking about myself, I am a very private person, but I have vented a few times and always feel guilty later, he had the nerve to tell me the other day that he always loved me but I never loved him - that was putting the knife in and turning it. He can really say some nasty things. Everybody tells me I'm too good for him. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, he is lost in space. Neither of my daughters want anything to do with him, they see what he has done and how he has handled things (they are mature adults - one is 49 and the other 46).