As I thought about you tonight, it is difficult to know how to best help.

I'm wishing things were better for you. After trying to say a number of things, and having them all refuse to come out of my head in any kind of helpful manner, I think I will go to bed.

Don't give up yet, keep thinking about it.

SS

<small>[ June 28, 2003, 03:41 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Does anyone have any good advice? I just wish I knew what to do. I feel like he is happy floating out there in his world, the other woman has complete control of everything (he already cleaned out the accounts, and has new accounts in his and her name). SHe has control of everything and he is like her puppet. Even if he would tell me the truth it would be hard to believe he lies so much (in fact I think she has convinced him his lies are the truth). He tells me he knows we need to get together and get some things straightened out, but never calls or comes when he says he will, told my granddaughter the other day he would like her to meet the OW and he knew she would like her, she told him she didn't think she wanted to meet her. He acts like she is some special token says she makes three times as much money as him, is so religious, just a wonderful person. Everyone tells me he is so stupid, and such a fool. But he has been associating with people in low places and people we knew together no longer has contact with him, people that have met her do not care for her. Someone even told me they thought she had him on something, he acts so weird. (He seems obsessed with money....especially being so impressed with how much money he thinks she makes..especially since she works at a minimum pay job setting with the elderly, supposedly retired from the Navy) she is 56, (married four times) he will be 7l next week. None of it makes sense to me. I think they have both lied so much, maybe they both boost each others egos, I wish I knew. He is living with her, but still will not admit it to me, it is a little over a l,000 SF beach house, forty miles from here, which was turned over to her after her last divorce, he has not been taking care of his business, I feel like he is getting deeper and deeper in the gutter. In the seven months he has talked to the one daughter one time for about five minutes on the phone. The other he has gone to her house about three times (trying to get through the kids)but she said she feels too uncomfortable with him cause he does not act like himself. She told me to tell him if he didn't straighten up we were going to have him committed. (Wish I could). SOrry to complain so much but Lord I wish I knew what was ahead.

Sorry, I have been away on a trip.

Does this mean no changes at all?

If so, I believe your best weapon might still be a good lawyer going after the money.

Oh Bonnie, I am so sorry we can't do more for you.

SS

Bonnie, I'm so sorry I don't have any good advice or answers that will lessen your pain.

Just protect yourself and whatever marital assets you still have or can get. Don't wait to discuss anything with him before seeing a lawyer about getting your rightful part of assets. Then have your discussion about what the heck is happening. Maybe he does need to be committed to protect him from that gold-digger taking him for the ride of his life.

Maybe I've missed it, but is there talk of divorce or has he just left took money out of your accounts and put her name on them?

I'm just so sorry he's done this to you.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: TooOld4This ]</small>

I just want to bump this up to keep it active. I really know I need to do something, but can't quite decide. He seemed to be coming to just a little bit....then he blows it. Last time I actually saw him I went by the business, he was setting in the truck talking on the cell phone, immediately hung up when he saw me. Told me he had to go on a road call, took off. I left and came back, he was pulling back in, started to get out of the truck, then closed the door and locked it, then put the window down and asked me what I wanted, I said boy that was a short road call, he said he had to leave to cool off (I don't know what that was about). Said he had to go, I was parked behind him, told him I would move, but he took off over the curb. I don't think he is aloud to talk to me, he even has the business calls going thru his cell phone (so she can keep tabs on him) when is he going to get a brain and wake up? He owed the IRS and I told him I had the bill and he said he would bring a check over. He didn't bring it, I called him a couple days later and he said he would bring it over. As usual that didn't happen. Then Saturday morning he goes by my daughters house (with the OW in the car) and gives her the check and tells her to give it to her mother. She asked him why he couldn't give it to me, he said he couldn't talk to me cause I hollar at him all the time (not so) She told him she thought the least he owed me was an explanation of what he was doing. He told her she didn't understand, and besides he was going out of town and didn't have time. WHAT NERVE, and he even had the OW to write the check. That is what really upset my daughter. Like rubbing your nose in it. The check is setting on the counter in the kitchen. It is fifty dollars short to start with, and I just cannot handle it right now. I can't decide to just send it or try to call him. Everytime I see him he is a little nastier. I asked him if he had done anything about transferring the mortgage, he said no, I had the house and the mortgage was on the house (It was on the house for the station, I told him I was paying the mortgage on the station, he said I wasn't I was paying the house payment - so nasty, and also he was paying all my bills) what a liar, I know that is her talking, and he hasn't taken care of the mortgage because it is not beneficial to her. It is so hard to talk to him, he will not look at me, last time he said he couldn't talk to me, I asked him why, he said we never could talk (liar, liar) I asked him if it was because he was so guilty, he denied it, but wouldn't look at me either. My daughter asked him if he was too guilty to talk to me, of course he told her he wasn't guilty of anything- WOW!
Soon as I get my whits together I'm going to try to talk to him one more time, then I guess I will have to go back to the lawyer. She is such a manipulating person and she certainly has her claws in him and he is so stupid and selfish. I told the lawyer I could deal with him, but I feel like I am dealing with her thru him. She is a pro and so evil. He is actually convinced that she is helping him and told him not to leave (I asked him what she told him to do instead of leaving, but he had no answer, I asked him if I was supposed to leave so he would have the house, but I got no answer). There was no discussion before he left with me, evidently he had been discussing with her (she was in the process of her divorce and she convinced him that he was in just as bad a situation as her and they were soul mates). SHe has convinced him I ran off with all his money and maxed out his credit cards. All the credit cards he has are ones he used (and he has two new ones since he left). I just need to get my whits together before he has us bankrupt.

I hate to say this about your beloved husband but gosh girl, it sounds like he has lost his mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What does your lawyer tell you to do about this situation?

You know, he probably is listening to the OW way too much.

It sounds like you should be trying to find ways to protect your financial future.

OMIGOSH! You must be really scared but you know what? Trust God to get you through this. He sees around the corners. He doesn't want you to be going through life so confused and afraid. He knows the end from the beginning.

I will say a prayer for your H. He's too grown to be acting so flakey. I think it might really be something more serious. MORE than just the usual WS fog! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ((((HUGS))))

The way he's acting? Running away from you??

I think it would be easy to have him committed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

THAT would get him away from her. It DOES sound like she's manipulating him, and will continue, as long as he's "good for the money." Once the money's gone, she'll throw him to the curb.

I wish I had advice for you, but just wanted you to know we are all here for you, and we all understand how sad this all is for you.

GOd Bless,

Bonnie, how are you?

This weekend, think about seeing your attorney next week. I don't know what it's called but I think there is something that can be done to "freeze" the marital assets so he cannot shift them around. It doesn't mean divorce, it just protects you.

if she is retired NAVY she does NOT need your money or his money. She has plenty of her own.
actually she is set for the rest of her life.

her working taking care of someone is probably just to have something to do.

your husband is doing what he wants to do.
he probably has not contacted you, he doesn't want to argue.

he feels he has done nothing wrong, don't know
that one.

but, she got her home in divorce, and also has a pension.

he is not her puppet, he sees you alone, I betcha
he is afraid of you alone and the reason she goes along is to help him to stand up to you.

but he is not her prisoner, he can call anytime, he can see you when he wants just pick up a phone and call, he is a big boy with a free will.

you are the one chasing him, he is not running from you. he just does not want to be together with you.

i read your posts and people told you to protect yourself, and the way to do that was in the beginning when he was doing crazy things.

that was the time to stop it by taking half of your money and putting into an account for you.

also freezing all assetts, and the house it belongs to you both. do not sign the title over to him. if his name is first on mortgage he is reponsible for it along with other billd his name is on. you are co-signer but he is responsible
if he is working and you are not.''

get a lawyer, you need one and file for a legal separation and get temporary maintnance aggreement. THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED to protect
yourself, don't be foolish in thinking he will
snap out of this, it looks like he is enjoying
his honey and his beach house.

Stop chasing after him and calling him and do a plan pick the plan and stick to it.

don't contact him.

you were in it for a long time and that is going to be tough, but you got to keep your wits about you and realize he probably is just sick of the same old same old, like many others do he left
with no 30 day notice or anything to let you prepare for the ordeal he was going to subject you to,it is time to take care of BONNIE and kiss the man goodbye till he wakes up and smells the coffee. SHE is probably his SUGAR MAMMA with her benefits from the navy comes the shopping at px and fulfilling all his electronic gadget desires.

who knows what compelled him to her.
take care of Bonnie now.
you can look up the amount she gets each month for service rendered to the govr on the govt pages.
that is extra money in her pocket she does NOT NEED HIS MONEY. believe me.

YaYa -
Yes she is retired Navy, but she is a greedy evil woman. (She has been married four times) and I don't know how many children she has - three I know of - the youngest is 14 and lives with his father in another state. Yes I know my husband is doing what he wants to do, oh he doesn't want to argue - that is just a cop out, he has argued all his life, anyone that knows him knows that. I am not the one that argues, even his family used to ask me how I tolerated his arguing. He will not contact me cause he is so guilty, he cannot even look me in the eye. Yes she has her own penson, he is also retired military, and I am a civilian government retiree. The day after he left they both went to the bank and set up two new accounts, one for him and one for the business, after literally depleting the savings and business account. (And now her name is on the accounts, and I found a list she had made of our house, car, truck, piano, and etc with the value) tell me what that was for. Her beach house must be a dump, he has been working on it since he left, started the month before he left, unbeknown to me (the bill came after he left)and he is still charging and working on it. He can shop at the base exchange all he wants, and he does, his bill came the other day and he hasn't paid it for two months, when he got the charge card I told him not to, but you got a l0% discount when you opened it, so he got one - asked me if I wanted a card - I told him no. So it is only in his name, he just charges like an idiot and never realizes how much he owes. She has told everyone that I have maxed out all his credit cards and took all his money - maybe he told her that - I know usually the wife is the one that does all the charging - but not in this case - he had one he used for the business - in my name - he had it maxed out. Right after he left they called the company and wanted copies of all the past statements(it clearly showed they were his charges, but anything that wasn't with one of the businesses he usually dealt with they highlighted) and told the lawyer that a substantial part of the charges were mine - my lawyer told him to get a new mortgage for the station, (taking the mortgage off the house) and get enough to pay off that credit card. But he has not done anything, told me he was going to, but has not done a thing because it is not advantageous for her. He has even got a couple new cards since he left - and it really bugs me when he says he is paying my bills - everyone he has is his own - and he was complaining about the gas bill - he was driving 40 miles each way back and forth - 80 miles a day - had a $400 gas bill and couldn't figure that out. He never did accept responsibility.
If he was just sick of the same old same old, that is a sorry sorry excuse - and like so many others do - is also a sorry sorry excuse. Is there any decent people left in this world? Everyone accepts everything anymore - oh I know there are decent people, but he has been associating with people in low places and acts like them. In fact one of her ways of getting thru to him was telling him how religious she was, she convinced him she knew the Bible backwards and forwards - I told him if she was so religious she would not have been married four times and living with a married man, but, who am I? They are both such liars and sneaky they deserve each other. He is not afraid of me, he is ashamed to face me, he has told so many lies he don't know up from down. She is a pro - remember, she was married four times (even took him to her lawyer).

Bonnie,
Please see a lawyer right away. I didn't realize that he cleared out your account and put it in both their names. This is your money not hers. Please have a credit report run to see how many other credit cards he opened and have charges up as for the other card (theone he says you ran up) can't you get copies of the statements that show he ran them up. Actually, its such a stupid excuse you h is using that you ran up the cards so it entitles him to have an affair and act how he is acting.

I know you don't want to do this but with the way you husband is acting you might end up on the street with no resources. Please see a good lawyer about this situation, bring the list of the ow with her inventory of you h's assets and ask about having both his and her accounts frozen. These are your marital assets and you are entitled to at least half of them. I know you don't want a divorce or separation but you must keep them from stealing whats rightfully yours.

Also if the lawyer you husband is using is hers , you might want to see if you can get him disqualified from the case. If your husband is acting as strange as you say you might want to see about having him committed (after the funds are frozen so the ow won't spend all your money).
Please take care of yourself.

Bonnie:

i haven't written to you for awhile, but i've been following your story and i want to say that i TOTALLY agree with deborahd and the others who advise you to get to an attorney IMMEDIATELY.

we know and understand how difficult this is for you. it was very hard for me to accept my H was using our $$$ to support OW and was removing my name from our accounts, etc. but, i went to atty, protected myself, and then began setting up my own checking and savings accounts so if/when the time came, i wouldn't be broke and on the street. my H even had her at our home while i was away and told her it would be hers when we divorced. little did he know, the atty had ALL my bases covered.

in the midst of heartache and heartbreak it IS hard to think realistically...but, Bonnie, we just have to.

please follow all the excellent advice here...get an atty as quickly as you can, cover YOUR bases, and then keep fighting for what you want.

Simmy

Bonnie, bonnie, bonnie. People have told you since April to get ahold of the money so he cannot spend it. What stops you from doing this? Are you going to sit, helpless, closing your eyes to the truth as he spends every dime you guys have?

PLEASE GET THE REST OF THE MONEY OUT OF THOSE JOINT ACCOUNTS (if there is any left) OR HAVE THE FUNDS FROZEN SO WHEN HE IS BROKE YOU ARE NOT OUT LIVING ON THE STREET!

GET INTO ACTION HERE TO PROTECT YOURSELF!

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Bonnie - Wanted to bump this up. Haven't heard from you in several days. Are you alright?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Bonnie,

I have been thinking about you since your last post. I don't know if the pain is getting better but you seem to be able to handle it better much of the time.

I wanted to ask you what you think you will do. We give lots of suggestions, and you know we care, but I wonder how to best support you. Can you tell me what is on your mind? What you are thinking of doing?

Still praying for you.

SS

Here's another bump for you Bonnie!

Bonnie, I hope you were not offended by our urgings. We are just concerned for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Simmy, deborahd, baba2, tooOld4This and still seeking.......Thank you, everyone of youse, and thank you for bumping this up.
Sorry I haven't posted lately, guess I have had too much going through my mind, no I am not offended by any of your urgings, I appreciate all your thoughts and help. It is just good to talk to someone in the same boat.
I keep wanting to talk to him, but he is so impossible, I cannot reach him. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes I think I am just an idiot. He has associated with low people so long he is beyond me. Last week my daughter,granddaughter and I were in Sams. We were going to the front to check out, my daughter grabbed my arm (like to stop me) and said Oh my gosh look who is in here. There went the OW with her daughter (26). My daughter said she looked right at us and flew toward the exit, I did not see her till she was near the exit. Looked in front of me and H was right in front of me with the cart, pretended not to see me and went to another line. When we were leaving they were over at the snack bar watching us and pretending not to see us, waiting on us to leave. At first I regreted not saying anything, but was glad I didn't cause my granddaughter was with me and thought the world of grampa and doesn't understand why he is not here, and knowing the OW she would have gladly made a scene (she is loud and obnoxious). The other day someone broke the plate glass window in the business (he hasn't said anything to me about it) but called my younger daughter and insinuated that possibly I had done it THAT REALLY T'D ME. Talked to her twice since he left and had the nerve to call her and say that to her. She said she can't even talk to him and told him "shame on you for even thinking that". He also said whoever did it put scratch marks on his car. Said he can't figure who would do that, cause he has no enemys. (He really thinks highly of himself). Also said he was getting hate mail, all I can say is too bad, you reap what you sow. Said someone had put an ad in the paper seeking a companion and someone had replied and signed the OW's name, the guy called her and she asked him to send her a copy of the letter and he was thinking of taking it to the police, oh his poor OW. He is so stupid it is pathetic. She is probably setting him up and blaming all this on me, I guess he don't have a brain of his own anymore. He went to the other daughters house and she didn't answer the door cause she didn't want to talk to him, she said it is too uncomfortable being around him. He acts like I died a couple years ago, and everyone should just move on with him and his OW. Like she is some prize or something. I think I am going to try to talk to him one more time (I don't even want to see him really, he has treated me with such disrespect, but there is so many things that needs to be resolved) but, if he doesn't want to talk that only leaves going back to the lawyer. He can take the easy way and talk to me or go back to the lawyer. I don't put anything past either of them, he acts like he is a puppet, but no one has a gun to his head, he is doing this hisself. He is responsible for what he is doing. Sorry to rant, but I know I have to do something, I am thinking bout having a phone conference with the Harleys. Again thank every one of youse for your thoughts and help.

Glad to see your post. Rant all you want - it helps to clear your mind and heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yep, we're all in various stages of the same boat ride and I have a bucket in each hand. When the boat starts sinking, I bail like crazy! The secret is to not wait until the boat is full to start bailing...start at the first trickle.

We're here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well today was the day, I been too nice, waiting, thinking he might come to his senses. Yesterday I even sent some paperwork in for him that he had neglected to do - - what a fool, an idiot! (ME)
This morning I was served D papers. Said he had been a faithful and dutiful husband contributing his time, energy and efforts in establishing a good home for himself his wife and children. Prior to the separation he had devoted himself to his wife and family and was never romantically or sexually intimate with another woman. Despite his efforts to live with me in peace and harmony for many years I had withheld my love and affection and had repeatedly and without any reason had told him he should leave. I damaged or destroyed items of sentimental value to him, I had recklessly spent proceeds intended for his business on my own needs and secreted funds in an account kept hidden from him and had recklessly ran up credit card debt. All these wrongful acts and conduct offered such indignities to render his condition intolerable and his life burdensome.
By these acts and conduct, and other acts which will be set forth more particularly at the trial, he has without justification and without my consent abandoned me.. I shall be barred from the business premises and he will be granted exclusive control and management authority over his business. I will give him all title and registration documents pertaining to his truck. I will return or make available all of his clothing fishing poles and tackle, and other personal belongings and apportion all debts
between parties. All property will be distributed equally by the court, in the meantime the court will make an interim distribution (I don't know what that means). In the morning I am calling my lawyer and hopefully can see him. His lawyer also listed four pages of documents and stuff she wants provided that she can copy. I can not believe he is so low down - he is doing this, but it is through the OW. I think he has lost his mind, I just cannot believe some of the stuff he has said I don't know where this guy came from.Wish me luck, he is the one doing wrong and has switched everything around trying to make me look like the most wicked B>>>>> on earth. It is bad enough what he has done, then what he says is just like twisting the knife. I would like to know where I have a secret account (wish I did) and what sentimental items I had destroyed of his. I am hurting like H... and he tells me I withheld love and affection for many years. I guess he has lied and told so many stories trying to justify himself that he now believes it. He has a homeless guy staying behind his business and he told him that I would not let him buy anything that is why he couldn't do repairs on the business (no he was busy fixing her place)Oh, I think I'm the one that is crazy, stupid or something. The OW has done this four times so I'm sure she is guiding him, and going to make him #5, WHat an idiot. WISH ME LUCK.
Everything he says is lies. If this is the best he can do he is pathetic. I really don't know him.

M- 7l H- 7l M-5lYrs OW 56 M 4 times

Just posted, but forgot (my mind is really rattled tonight), just two weeks ago he agreed we had to set down and talk, I previously asked him what his intentions were, was he going to get a seperation, or a divorce or what, he said no, he just had to think. He has not once talked to me about this situation, he is too damn guilty, and then does this.