I’m new here and I am in desperate need to hear someone’s opinion on my situation. It’s a long story so I’ll try to keep it short.
I’m married 22 yrs. Most of those years were very happy ones but like most marriages we had our ups and downs. We got though all of them and I believe we are happily married. (At least that’s what my wife tells me). I know I’m not a perfect husband but then who is.
O.K. here’s my situation, about 6 yrs. ago my wife went back to work after 10 plus years at home. Every thing was fine until about a year ago. I noticed she was not herself. She would work late all of the time, go to more if not all company functions, and go out with her friends more. So now I’m asking her all the time is everything O.K. and her reply would always be fine and that she loves me very much.
Now I’m paying more to her every move. I noticed that all of a sudden she is obsessed with working out and losing weight, dressing nicer, wearing sexy lingerie
, contact lenses, nail manicures ect. Now I’m paying even more attention to her every move and in the meantime I’m treating her like a queen and giving her what I think she wants.
During this time of getting closer to her I noticed she would mention this coworker of the opposite sex in our conversations more often. I’ll call him Chuck.
Now for the 22 yrs. Of marriage she would flip out if I even worked in the sane building with someone of the opposite sex. Not just that but if another woman would pay any attention to me I would pay the price. So I feel I have the right to tell her I don’t like her to talk to Chuck on a personal level. She told me it was work related conservations only and I have nothing to worry about. (LIE #1)
One day my wife emails me and says she is going for a drink after work with a friend I also know of the same sex. Now I grew up with her friend and know she is divorced and jumps in bed with many men. So naturally under the circumstances I want to go with her so when I ask her I suspect a bit of resistance from her but I insist. Guess who shows up after a few drinks? You guessed, Chuck. Now no matter how nice Chuck acts I still have a hard time liking him. Later I asked my wife if she invited Chuck and of course she said no. (very hard to believe)
So now I realize I have to watch her even more closely. During this time I find out my wife, her girlfriend who I’ll call Mary and Chuck rode together to a company function in my wife’s car. I confronted her about this and she swore to God and on her mother’s grave that Chuck was not in the car. (LIE #2). Well I had proof and then my wife said she’s done nothing wrong because she had a girl with them, what’s the big deal. Also she says the reason she invited Chuck was so Mary would not ride with them because my wife hates Mary but can’t be mean to her. Mary hates Chuck. So I say to my wife if your plan worked you would be riding with Chuck alone. (Bad excuse of my wife’s.) Big fight breaks out and she swears she will never do anything like that again (lie on her mother’s grave) and that she loves me very much.
Well, our marriage is much better now and I still feel I need to watch her because of the lies. Now I’m not proud of this but I bought a phone recorder because I need the truth to stop my mind wondering on a daily basis. Well, it took only 3 days and yep, you guessed it again, my wife calls Chuck at work on a so-called sick day off. Now there was no sexual talk but to my surprise my wife and Chuck bashed me with no mercy. They were both laughing and having a merry old time. This went on for 30 min. and when they ran out of things to bash me with they actually listened to each other breath. Come on, nothing to talk about then hang up. During their conservation I called to see how my wife was doing (call waiting & I.D.) and she sounded funny and said I woke her up. (LIE #3) I wonder how much I would have heard if I didn’t call. Well I confronted her about this and of course she tried to LIE about it. I played the recording back to her and at first she had it with me and is leaving me and within minuets she was sorry and said she loves me very much. She said the reason she did it was she wasn’t happy with me but loves me. Now I’m pissed, I can handle her bashing me to a family member or a girlfriend but a strange man, and then to let a strange man bash me when she says she loves I can’t handle.
Now this is way past a work relationship. She must like Chuck a lot to talk to him about our personal life and humiliate and strip me of my dignity all in the name of fun. I asked her if there was anything else she needs to tell me and she said no I all ready know everything there is to know. (LIE #4) I tell her she needs to break off the friendship if our marriage is going to last. I told her (which she resisted with lame reasons) she needs to call Chuck with me recording the conservation and break off the friendship. She did this and things are better now.
Now all of this still drives me nuts so I think about it a lot and she knows I still have a problem. So one night we are talking about it to help me though this (I need to talk) and I tell her there must be more she needs to tell me because the odds of me finding everything out is 0 to none. She continues to tell me nothing and when she realizes I’m not going to drop this until she tells me more. So she says she has gone to lunch with Chris (another coworker strange man to me). Not a group of people, just the two of them to a bar & grill. She tells me the only reason she went was that he was bugging her daily and she was running out of excuses to tell him no. I told her all she has to say is no and the truth is she went because she wanted to and she enjoys his company. (I’m so tired of these lame excuses.) She also admitted she was saying hello and goodbye to Chuck. She says this is not talking to him. I told her this whole mess started with just a hello. I said please stop all contact with Chuck. She said she would. (How can I believe her?)
Now there are many other events to tell but I don’t want to write a book and bore you with all the details.
Is this an affair? I’ve been lied to so many times and humiliated not to think it is. I believe from my heart this is not sexual yet (she says it never would be Chuck is not her type). She works with these guys how do I control my susptions with out her quitting? Or should she quit?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Please give me your opinion on what to do.
Driving myself nuts.

Hello and welcome.

I am sorry you have found yourself here, but in your situation its the right place to be.

I think you already know the answer to your question and my opinion would count little to making you feel any better Im afraid at present.

Your wife seems to be behaving like a typical WS. Some WS do not akin an emotional affair to cheating, Once those emotional lines are crossed with discussing the privacy of your marriage and IM afraid giving you a bashfest..Add to that the deciet and her changed behaviour..... you have big trouble at the door.

Read all you can on this board, many will recommend to you a number of books and also Marriage councelling ASAP. If your wife wont go then you go alone.

I assume you are here to help save your marriage, your wife has no idea how lucky she is.

As for Chuck ,is he married? You know affairs dont do well in the light of day. If you have positive proof then I would certainly confront your wife and even perhaps Chuck, not so much with an in your face attitude, but more of a hey..come on..this is what is happening.

As for you I hope you are looking after yourself and eating well , and taking in enough sleep. Its important you keep on top of things.

Take care.

Thank you for responding. Your right I know its and affair I just had to confirm my feelings are right. I'm going though this alone. I don't want to talk to any family members just yet. Mabe your right I should go to conseling. I can't get this out of my head.
Chuck is common law married. I found out his common law wife knows my uncle. Small world. Chuck does'nt know I know who his wife is. Amazing what you can find out on the internet.
I will confront Chuck when the time is right. I want to see how big his mouth is to my face. I feel it's the only way to get my dignity back.
Thanks for your help its good to talk.

To be honest with you, I don't know if confronting Chuck will benefit you any. I say this because I confronted the OM in which my wife is involved with when I first found out. All he did was lie to me and tell me things he knew I'd want to hear; just as he has done to her(my wife) in order to make himself look good. But, then again, I may be wrong. It might actually help if he knows that you know.
I really dont know of any other advise to give being that Im still currently trying to manage my own situation. I hope matters work out for you; that it may not progress any further. Keep us posted and God Bless

I too have some serious reservations about you contacting the OM and getting something good come out of it. Concentrate on your WW instead because that is where the problem exists. She was afterall the one that started the bashfest against you.

If you want to fight for your M, then you need to read everything on this website and read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'.

You also might want to consider phone counseling with the Harley's (it ain't cheap, but it may save you big bucks later on).

I felt the same way about retrieving my dignity. I was warned by my marriage councellor if I indeed had to confront, do it in a public place or over the phone. Also to be well prepared for some not so welcome venom.SAy what had to be said and be done with it. I was well rehearsed, and stuck to it like a script.

I can certainly see the reservations of confronting the OM, in my case it worked in my favour... my husband was listening.And it slapped him close enough back to reality for me to grab a hold...and keep it.

I guess many of us have differing views on who should know of the Affair.And I can see both sides of the story, but it is something you need to think deeply about. Some will agree to go for it, others will warn beware. I guess its knowing all about you and what you can handle.

But certainly do read your butt off, this whole situation will become a lot clearer, when you can understand the situation you are in.

Take care.

Your wife tells you she loves you, and that you "are happily married", but she does things without your knowledge that hurt you. My wife did the same things. OUR problem was that despite me treating her like a queen, I was not giving her what she really needed and wanted, because I did not know what that was. What made it worse is that neither of us really knew what a good marriage should look like. So our definition of "happily married" mostly meant "we didn't fight". We solved the me not knowing what she wanted part by taking the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ). Before you take the ENQ, I recommend that you print out and read through together the ENTIRE Basic Concepts section of this site. It will give you the context you need for undertanding the ENQ, and help give you a vision for what a good marriage should look like, and point you to the tools to get there.

HER problem was that she did not have appropriate boundaries on her relationships with teh opposite sex. I believe your wife is in the same situation. You can not fix this for her. It might not even be a good idea to say that to her, though you can say how you feel about the relationships she has with other men and her actions, and that will help her see how they are inappropriate. This is where a therapist can really help. I do recommend you go to marriage counseling.

This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

Good luck