In an earlier post, I indicated that my wife told me that she had kiss a coworker. This was a friendship that she says got out of hand, the OM is a technician at her work. A group would get together and share break time. Well one thing let to another and they went out to lunch and on the way back he kiss her. This happen twice. After several coinsident like the cell bill record with repeat calls to this number and a hang up when I pickup the phone she confess what had happen. She said that she realice what she was doing was wrong and that she love me and she was not going to throw away 7 yrs of mariage for this. I appreciated all the post that I received, specially the opinion of Just a Wifey. My question now is that I'm still having a hard time to deal with it, I think primary because I had question my wife about, and at first she told me that it was conpletely inocent. It was not until the coinsidents became greater that she confess. Every time I bring up the subject she says that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. She says that she realice that she was wrong and she call it off before it went anywhere. That it was just 2 kisses. She says that it actually sounds worst that it is. I dont know about that. Her cell phone records shows that she call him about 3 times a day, most of the time for about 1 to 2 minutes problably just to leave a voice mail. This went on for about 3-4 weeks. I want to think that she really means it when she says it was a mistake, I can tell that she gets upset because she starts to cry and she says that she is afraid of loosing me. The biggest problem is that in 7 yrs of marriage we have never had a fight or argument. I feel pretty confident we nver lie to each other, and now with this I feel that I can not trust her, just for the simple fax that she told me at first that it was inocent friendship. She says that she did not know how to get off the rollercoster that she got her fell in. I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, I think thats why I'm here I need to come to terms with this in order to get pass it. I need a woman opinion, hopefully one that might have experience the same thing. Could have those 2 kisses not being the big issue that I'm making them to be? I love my wife deeply and I dont want to loose her either. What do you think?

A large red flag went up when you said that you and your W never fight. I see this as a large red flag, because H and I never faught, I don't think we had more then a few "silent" times where we dealt with "whatever" over the 21 years of marriage prior to the affair. (We faught enough in the last three years to make up for the 20 we didn't.)

The problem with never fighting over the "little stuff" is that you don't learn how to fight, and you don't learn how to communicate productivily in a crisis situation. You need to learn skills and tools about communicating.

Now, you're facing a crisis...and you're unclear how to convey to your partner your needs in a crisis. And you are most likely not "hearing" her needs either.

Your trust has taken a big hit, this is something that the two of you will have to work through together. It's not so much that she kissed him...but that she lied about it. (Altho, the kiss shouldn't have happened either.) The betrayal of truth is a most difficult betrayal to overcome. BUT...as in your other thread...your W did bring truth back into the marriage. Not as soon as she should have, not as soon as you would have liked...but she did!!!

Denying is a gut reaction when we are caught doing something we know is wrong. It almost "pops" out of our mouths before we even think rather we should tell the truth or not. Likely your asking was the force that got the ball rolling in your W coming to you to confess. She didn't like the lies either, she didn't like herself as a liar.

The kisses themselves likely weren't very meaningful to her. If they had been, there would likely to have been a great many more. It's strange, but as a woman we are taught not to stand our ground as much as a man is. We do tend to get caught by surprise in some situations and then we don't have a clue on how to get away without making a scene, something we often worry way too much about.

I'm not making excuses...she should have made it clear that it was not acceptable and she never should have gone to lunch with him in the first place....but a spouse doesn't always realize what is happening until it has happened. I doubt that your W expected to be kissed, once kissed, it raised confusing emotions, she was embarrased, ashamed...and just a tad excited by the fact that someone besides the man she loves found her attractive.

I think you do love your W and your W loves you. Take what happened and work together to see what you can do to create better boundaries so that neither of you are ever put in this position again. Learn to fight about the little stuff...learn to communicate your needs.

hurt_husband,
Any chance you could get your wife to come here and visit the boards?

I second justawifey, red flag when you say you never fought. Neither did we, and therefore we had no intimacy and no relationship.

It's natural to disagree. Even identical twins have their own opinions.

And "just kissing" and nothing more doesn't mean that you should not be hurting.

Is your wife willing to leave her job so as to cut off all contact with the coworker?

Is she willing to go to marriage counseling? I suggest the Harleys, the two of you, via phone. Don't quibble about the expense. It could be the investment you need to improve your marriage.

Maybe I should clear something, yes we never fight. But we know our differences, we know very well that we don't always think alike. We just know when to back off, because we will never agree on that subject. Yes she is willing to leave her job, but unfortately I'm fixing to leave my job and we just don't have the resources for both of us looking for a job. They are not in the same dept. but they do have some communication from time to time. I have talk to the OM and told him to stay off and he apologiest and said that he would and that he was sorry. I don't know if I want to go to marriage counciling yet. I do tend to make a big deal out of small things right now because I'm not happy in my job. That why I was looking for a womans opinion on who much a kiss is worth.

About the fighting I still think u have to figure out how to communicate and do the policy of join agreement... read the concepts here. Some day ur giver or taker is going to take charge (or hers) and beleive me is going to be harder than a kiss...

About how much a kiss is worth... Well I guess that depends on the women and on the kiss right?

I mean I'm pretty radical about it and for me a kiss would be like sleeping with him... I mean just to let that happen opens up a pandora of possibilities.. lucky you u found out quickly...
Start fixing ur relationship soon before it deteriorates any further...

Your biggest redflag is the fact she insist they are just friends while also saying she is scared of loosing you.

Remember if she is afraid of loosing you she has every motive in the world to lie to you.

It may be tough (no maybe it was for me) to look her in the eye and tell her you love even if she has made a mistake. Of course I followed it by I can forgive many things but not if you lie to me from here on out......she still lied for a little while but you get my point.

Its alot tougher to deal with continued deception if and let me repeat if something had gone on.