I feel so desparate and I really need some advice. Yes, I was the one that was Unfaithful to my H and I will regret it forever. To give you some history, my H and I always were the best of friends. We truly loved each other and still do (I hope) I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be here writing this. About 1 1/2 years ago, my H moved us out of state for a promotion at his work. It was tuff being away from family and friends but I was able to transfer with my job as well. Then in December of 2001, my H got really sick and was hospitalized for 1 week. I felt so helpless and I didn't know what to do. I truly thought he was going to die and leave me with the 2 kids. A man I worked with started trying to cheer me up and give me advise about what to do with my husband. We became friends and ONLY friends. My husband got out of the hospital and 6 weeks later in Feb, 2002, he had to have 12" of colon removed. The Monday before his surgury, I met the coworker for a drink after work. We stayed for a few hours and when it was time to leave, he kissed me. It happened so fast I really didn't expect it. I did feel somewhat atracted to the "idea" that someone found me attractive. I will admit that I should have never met him in the first place. The coworker had my cell phone # and during my H's surgury and his hospital stay, we would talk on the phone. I know that I should have told him to stay away from me after that kiss but I didn't. I was not attracted to him at all as he is 20 + years older. To make a long story short, my H found the cell phone bill and found out that I was talking to him. H asked if there was someone else and I told him I had a friend and what had happened after work. Of course, he went balistic and called the coworker and wouldn't talk to me for days. I can't explain my actions but that I was so depressed from my H illness that I was at a point in my life that a friend was nice to have. We had just moved here and I didn't have anyone to talk to. My H treated me so bad I truly thought the marriage was over. I didn't have a friend to talk to, so after the discovery, I met the coworker for lunch about 2 times. I truly am sorry for what I did, but my H wouldn't give up. He accussed me of sleeping with the man and was very rude and mean to me. Which, I am not asking for sympathy and I would be mad too. My H eventually stopped talking about it and thing are fine. But when he gets in one of those moods, he brings the affair up in my face and says he thinks I am lying to him. Then he goes for hours or days with this chip on his shoulder. He has not once said that he wants to rebuild the marriage or assured me that he wants me. He feels that I should be bustin my "you know what" kissin up to him. I try every night to please my H so he wont be mad and bring things up. But I feel that I have feelings and emotional needs too and I want him to believe me that I never slept with the man. I have two children at home and we have a nice life, and I wouldn't do anything to mess that up. I believed and still want to believe that my H is my soulmate, but he makes me feel dirty and such a terrible excuse for a W. I guess I need advice from anyone. What should we do from here? I truly am sorry and want to be the woman my husband knew before and want him to love me and tell me he wants me and the marriage.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: marriedwithkids ]</small>

Hi,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you made some bad decisions which brought you here.

I don't have any advice, except that you will have to earn his trust back. To do this, you will have to be open and honest with him about everything. If he wants answers to questions, answer them honestly and completely, no matter how many times he asks the same questions over and over again.

He is trying to understand how this happened, if you love him. He is scared and hurt. The pain of your spouse having an A, is so deep and intense, it is almost unbearable.

You could suggest he come to this website, there are many who will understand. I've also heard great things about the phone counseling. I have not used it, I cannot afford it.

The book "surviving and Affair" would be beneficial for both of you.

Good luck to you. I hope you get other advice from others here.

I am sorry but maybe I am misreading this. Did you say you only had lunch with this OM twice and at one other time he kissed you? Are you saying this was it and there was no other physical intimacy? If that is the case then I think your husband is being overly harsh with you. The stress you were dealing with was very difficult. You made a mistake but I really think you and he are being way too hard on you. If on the other hand, you said you were physically intimate with this other man twice then this is a different story. Either way I wish you luck.

I am so sorry that you and your H are going thru this. Unfortunately what is done is done and can not be changed. Please read the following from Dr Harley regarding resentment:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse.

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You acknowledge that you made some dumb choices but that doesn't mean that you should be abused by him. Granted that he is hurt by your brief EA. but you have to stand up to him and tell him that you will not put up with being treated in such an abusive fashion otherwise your love for him WILL eventually die and you won't want to be married to him any longer. You may be surprised how he MAY all of a sudden not only stop his attacks against you but starts to be more caring and understanding as well. This is not only for your own benefit, but for your children, and ultimately his as well.