Hello Guys and Gals,

Here is my story and intoduction. I am 24 years old. My wife is 22. We have been together for a total of 7 years, lived together for 4, married for a little over 1 year 1 month before she left.

I own a business and it keeps me really busy, my wife would help out when she felt like it which was an average of 3-4 days a week. I have owned this business for almost a year now. I guess they say that the first year of marriage and the first year of owning a business are the most stressfull times in your life.. Which is correct in my opinion.

January 26th, After watching Superbowl I was cleaning up from the party we had and she offered to help me carry the trash out. I had noticed a change in her the last three weeks and I asked her while outside when she was going to tell me what was the matter. Well she layed it on me. She said she Loved me, Cared about me, but wasn't in love with me and was going to leave. I asked her about working it out, dating, counseling, and she said no no no. That it is 100% over.

There is one thing that hit my mind instantly. Another guy had been hanging around us day and night for the last three weeks. About the same time I started noticing something was wrong. It got to the point that myself and all of our friends thought something was going on between them. When I went out front and they stayed inside, I would peak through the blinds. The day before she left, I asked her what was going on between her and John. She said they are just friends, and I have nothing to worry about, then she leaves the next day.

This guy I have known for about a year, actually started out as a customer of mine. The day after she left I asked him as a friend, to stay away from her, and give my marriage a chance. He said he would, but he didn't. I find out that within a few days of her leaving, he has been taking her out everynight since, and she now admits they are "together".

She still swears up and down that she didn't leave me for him, but the facts just don't support that. She says she married me to make me happy, and that she thought my happiness would be enough for her. She says she hasnt loved me since before we married, and that she has been unhappy the whole time.

Somethings that don't add up to me, She had been working on a very detailed scrapbook of our relationship and marriage up to the time she left. She always initiated sex with me, she got me a Wedding cake topper of a Groom sweeping a Bridge off her feet for my Bday 12 days before she left. On my Bday card she wrote in there how happy she was to be my wife, how we are going to be together forever, etc etc.

Just doesn't add up.

Things I have done wrong, and I know and see it now. I emotionally neglected her. I was always too "busy" to do things with her, Watch TV, cuddle, sex, Was either too busy, too tired. I would work 10 hours a day, then come home and do "work" till bedtime. I never made time for her.

She says shes never coming back, the guy she is with told me on the phone she is never coming back because he is going to take care of her and make her happy. OMG, I about exploded and went to his house and kicked his door in.

I dunno why exactly I posted on this board. A friend said I should check it out and read.

I guess.... I just want my wife back. I long to hold her in my arms again, to tell her I love you, to hear it back. I miss her so much.

I am a wreck, I was overweight before at 280 pounds, I am now 223. I have basically starved myself since she left, I am able to keep small stuff down every few days. I exercise constantly, Was out jogging the other night at 3am.

She says she doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, What can I do to open the lines of communication again? If anything? With him in the picture, I don't ever see her coming back, or wanting to try.

She is living with her mom, who is very bitter towards men, towards me. Her mom says I was controlling.. But My wife could go out whenever she wanted with whoever she wanted, she could spend whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. I feel I was the least controlling person in the world.

I guess.. Help if you can.

Thanks

Chris

Hi Chris,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you had to come here.

A book I found very helpful is Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what you are going through and your wifes behavior (fog as it is commonly referred as).

Also, very few R work that start as A's. I don't have much in the way of advice at this time, I can offer support. Maybe later, I can think of something that will be of use for you.

Take care

DI: Great name, we all feel or felt that way. I'm hoping someday it will only be "felt" for me. Things have improved enough that that seems possible. Anyway, click on the link in my sig line for some resources that will help you form a plan of action.

Welcome Dying Inside,

I think your wife bought my husband's script at our last yard sale. They said all the same things. Amazing!

If you had kids, I'd be more in favor of working things out. Since you don't all I can say is I'm really sorry for your pain. I understand it, have gone through the same thing. We have a 14 year old son, who was 9 when D-day hit and I couldn't imagine the look on his face were I to tell him "Dad and I are getting a divorce." So I fought to recover our marriage.

I always say when I post, I'm not a success story. We still live at the same address, that's about it. "Staying together for the kid."

The signs don't look good for you. Your wife's mother is not supportive of your marriage, she has a negative attitude towards marriage and men. That has a big influence on your wife and her mindset. Don't underestimate it.

All that aside, however, the MarriageBUilders site is a wonderful place and if you put in the effort, you may be able to heal things. Read everything here, hit "printer friendly version" and make some buddies for support.

Oh, and be glad you don't have children right now. The worst thing is to see their pain while you fight to restore your marriage. In fact, here's some unsolicited advice: If she returns, you are both young enough to put off getting pregnant for at least 5 years while you work at being married.

Good luck.

Hello DyingInside-. It is so wierd how much we have in common; it's almost frightening; even down to the name I was going to pick when I joined MB!!

To give you a brief story of my own situation:

I am not much older than you; 27 in May and my W is 23. We have been together for a little over 5 years and have been married for almost 21/2 years.

I don't own my own business, but my work did seem to consume me at times. Trying to supply the best for my family caused me to overlook the needs of my wife. I, too, failed to show my love for my wife as I should have.

Upon my knowing of the A, I often dwelled on how "things just didn't add up" as you have. My W did similar things to me as your W had done to you; some of in which included: making love (even though near D-day, it did become less and less), told me that she loved me, etc., etc.

Heck, I had even talked to the OM and asked him to leave my wife alone. At the time, I wasn't positive he was the one, but had a good feeling. He did not admit to it, of course. Instead, he supported me in ways that I might be able to save my marriage. Do you believe that? Needless to say, he was the one and did not discontinue communication with my W.

The only difference is that my W met OM on the internet and the fact that I have a 4 year old daughter involved too. They haven't, as of yet, actually met; this is only because the OM lives in Canada and she hasn't been able to get to him. Regardless of this fact, she claims to love him and to no longer love me. Because of this difference, my heart sincerely goes out to you. Whereas my W has not met the OM, I still have more hope of restoration as apposed to what I would have if they were together. I could only imagine how much harder it is for you.

My W also tells me that she will not be coming back nor has she given any signs of wanting to. I know of your pain right now all too well. When you said, "I guess.... I just want my wife back. I long to hold her in my arms again, to tell her I love you, to hear it back. I miss her so much," you hit the nail right on the head.

I don't have much helpful advice to give you. I guess this is why I'm here at MB too. But I will say a couple of things. I, personally, believe that this was a wake-up call from the Lord. I don't know of your spiritual beliefs so I hope this doesn't offend you. I think the Lord wants me to first seek Him as I should've done from the beginning. I have found enormous comfort in doing so. Yes, I'll admit that some times are harder to bare than others. But, with His help and an infinite amount of prayers, I have managed to keep a, some-what, level head.

Secondly, please continue to come here for support. There are a number of people in here who have shared their advice and experiences with me. This has helped me tremendously as well. So keep coming back. Submit your updates, your fears, or anything else you wish to talk about. I, and many others as well, will be here to talk with you and to give you any and all the support we can.

May God comfort your aching heart in someway. I'll pray for you and your wife. I know it's hard, but you musn't give up. If you ever would like to talk with me personally, please feel free to email me, ok?

Most Sincerely,
Daniel

di-

i'm sorry that you're here, but you've come to the right place. i don't have much time right now, but i wanted to write a quick note.

you can read my sig line and see that i'm just a bit younger than you and dwilliams. i'm also coming from the opposite perspective as i'm the ws... seems i messed up my life at a pretty young age. hopefully i can maybe offer you some insight into how your wife is feeling.

confusion and fear are likely big ones for her right now. it's hard when you get married so young to someone you've been with since such a young age. not that i'm excusing her (!), i just understand some of what she's likely feeling. men seem to go through their life crisis around middle-age, but i think for women it hits in the early twenties. too many emotion/hormones to deal with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> i felt like i didn't know who i was any more and that i couldn't figure it out with my h.

like others have said, be happy that there aren't kids to add to this mess.

and get the book "surviving an affair". if nothing else (and i know this is small consolation for all the pain you feel right now) this is a chance to work on, and improve, yourself. learn what it is that you need in a marriage and learn from the mistakes you may've made in this one. your life is by no means over.

on the other hand, let your wife know exactly how you feel: how much you love her AND how much she's hurt you.

and kept reading here at mb. i can't tell you how much i've learned.

this was not a really well thought out post, but it's very late and i'm very tired.

amy

Maybe we should start our own 'young couples' support group.

My WW is 24, me 22. She moved in with her parents a little over a month ago, saying it was so she could have space and time to think about our relationship. 5 days later, she moved in with OM. I still didn't KNOW there was a OM until her mom told me she moved in with him.

Now she'll barely talk to me, and when she does, it's just daily chit-chat about work and things. We've had 1 phone call where we discussed our reltionship (the day her mom told me she had moved in with the other guy) and the rest of the time she wants to avoid the subject entirely. Her parent's aren't talking to her very much, because they are angry beyond belief that she would do this. They are on my side totally.

We have no children. That's the reason she gave for moving out in the first place. We had an argument about when to start having kids, and I handled it badly. She said I hurt her so deeply with the way I handled that argument that she didn't think she could ever trust me with her emotions again. She kept saying she needed time to get over it and wanted to go to her parents to think about it. 5 days later she moved in with a guy she works with..... Coincidence?? I don't really believe so.

My WW and I basically have little/no communication. I'm trying to plan A the best I can, but without being able to talk to her, it's pretty hard to do. I've seen her for 30 minutes this past month when she came by the apartment to pick up some more of her clothes (before I ever found out she was living with OM).

I miss my wife with every fiber of my being. Everything I am says what we had together was so precious and right. Highschool Sweethearts, Married, worked ourselves through college together happily. Now we're college grads, so I thought THIS would be the easy part.

I feel your pain. Every second of my life. Every time I roll over and see that empty pillow next to me where her head would lay. Every time the phone rings and it isn't her voice on the other end. I don't understand how it's possible to survive this much pain. Everything hurts.

Prayers and the strength of God are all that have kept me going from day to day. Without that strength, I don't think I could get out of bed every morning, knowing that my precious wife is waking up this morning in another man's arms, if not for that strength granted by God.

My best advice is to read. Everything you can. Top books I would suggest are "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. "His Needs/Her Needs" also by Harley. And the one I'm reading now seems great so far "Torn Assunder" by Carder. Don't be afraid to get support from your family and friends. I felt so emberressed to tell my parents that my wife had moved in with another guy, but they've been amazingly supportive through this. I have the extra advantage of support from my Inlaws. Me and my MIL have cried on eachother's shoulders several times since my WW moved out. She truly wants to see us back together.

My prayers are for God's guidance, strength to follow his will, and patience to see things through to the end. I've already began making myself a better person. I know that if given the chance to rebuild, I now am far better equipped to be a Husband than I was before this 'wake up call'. And if, God Forbid, things don't work out, then I will still be a better equipped man to take care of myself and maybe someday build a relationship the right way.

Am I giving up? No way. I love my WW. She has hurt me, stabbed me in the back, betrayed every trust I've ever given her, lied, cheated, broken every vow we took the day of our wedding, and smiled to my face the entire time. She's still killing me a little more each day by not talking about it. I've suffered more than anyone should ever have to in this life, all because of what she's still doing to this day. But through and above it all, I still love my Wife.

Hello JohnnyB. Maybe the suggestion for our own 'young couples' support group isn't such a bad idea. It seems that we three have alot in common; in which I'm sure we would wish otherwise.

As I told Dying, my heart certainly goes out to you to. My wife has not actually met the OM as of yet. But as you'll see in my last post "What now?", I'm afraid of this to change soon. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you two with your WW's currently with the OM. I pray not to know of this feeling either, Lord willing.

You are right mentioning that the support of your in-laws helps. I too have the support of my in-laws. Not everyone can say this. I do fear however that the closeness I have with them has turned my W against them; this, of course, she blames me for. I, personally, wish and think it to be merely her own guilt and conviction for the pain she has caused everyone.

I know of the pain you feel whenever you roll over to find an unused pillow once occupied by your W; and if my assumptions are right, this is probably when you are finally able to sleep; or when you are so exhausted from the lack of sleep. I tend to take my wife's pillow and hold it close to me, as I would her if she was here, and usually cry and pray myself to sleep.

I am so glad to hear of your strength in God. I must agree, it's nearly the only thing that has kept me sane. And to be truthful, it's the only thing that has kept me from doing something stupid to myself. Be sure not to lose that strength. The Lord loves you and is hurting alongside you as well. I will pray that God may provide your wounded heart with the strength and courage you are in need of in order to stand for your marriage. May His mercy and grace fall upon both you and Dying in abundance.

God Bless,
Daniel

di-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says she doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, What can I do to open the lines of communication again? If anything?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have you read much or anything yet about plan a? i found this site a couple months after d-day and i can now see that it was my h's reaction to me that made me stay (even though at that point i was totally convinced that he could never make me as happy as om could). if he had been even the slightest bit abusive (verbally/physically/etc), i would've been outta there. not that he wasn't upset! he cried and told me how much he loved me and how much i'd hurt him. he used very strong language and a lot of it was very hard to hear, but he never raised his voice and he never swore at me.

i'd told my dad about everything before i went home to my h. while my h and i were talking, my dad took my mom and my in-laws (who were in town visiting - and staying with us) out for about an hour and told them. even my mil and fil, whose son i'd so badly hurt and betrayed, were able to hug me and tell me they loved me.

it was all that love that i felt that i couldn't turn my back on. had everyone reacted with anger i likely would've left that night to go to om. see, even though the anger would've been so much more deserved, it would've justified how i felt about my h and our m, and it would've justified my actions and decision to leave. but what i got instead was all this love and support and forgiveness that i totally didn't deserve! and far from strenghtening my resolve, i felt so worthless and guilty and ashamed. and so, so confused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things I have done wrong, and I know and see it now. I emotionally neglected her. I was always too "busy" to do things with her, Watch TV, cuddle, sex, Was either too busy, too tired... I never made time for her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's exactly how i felt - neglected. a huge part of me actually thought that my h wouldn't really care if i left him. i didn't think he loved me anymore. i'd been telling him for months how unhappy i was (in no uncertain terms - i was NOT subtle!), and he didn't seem to listen.

i guess my point in all this is that if you love your wife, make sure she knows it. every chance you get. do the things you did before you were married. the things you did when you were dating. all those little things that, at one point, made her believe that there was absolutely no one else in the world for her. the little things that made her heart melt.

if you're not in regular contact with her, take advantage of the times you have. and when you aren't together, do things that will let her know you're thinking of her: maybe send her flowers (if she likes that) with a simple "i love you" note, send her little emails during the day, make her a cd. you know her best. but most importantly, be a safe place for her. when this thing with her and om starts to struggle in the face of daily life together (which it will), be there for her.

i hope some of this helped and i hope you check in soon and let us know how you're doing.

take care of yourself (ie. eat!). losing weight and exercising is great, but don't starve yourself! remember, this is coming from a pregnant lady who eats about seven times a day... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,

amy

Thanks for all the words guys and gals. We have had no contact with each other for several weeks now.

She still swears in emails to her friends that she was unhappy and has been unhappy. But facts don't like, and Fact is, She left me for somebody I thought was a friend.

I'm still trying to process my feelings in a constructive way. Eating is still not going too well, it seems everytime I can hold somebody down I get some new blurb of information and it tears me up.

How much pain is one person supposed to be able to handle? It is almost getting unbearable. Also found out a week after she left my Grandma Dorothy has terminal cancer and I can't break away from work and go visit before she passes.

JohhnyB: Do you have MSN, AIM or email? I would like to talk to you some more.

My email is Tensecstang@hotmail.com

-Chris

Jazzey,

Yes I used to be a Mustang Fanatic, My wife and I loved them. In fact today is the day that my street mustang was sold to a guy in CT. Car transport company picked it up today. My race Mustang is also up for sale.

I have lost all interests in them though now. I feel she has destroyed everything I loved. I own a Performance Shop, we build Mustangs, Camaros, Vettes, Trans ams, etc. I no longer want to own it and it has been put up for sale. I just can't do it anymore. She even named it, her desk is next to mine. So painful to answer the phone with the shops name, constant reminder of my situation.

Performance was always US, We went to all the car shows, the street races, the race tracks, always together and always US. Now I'm out there by myself, customers ask "Where's your wife" all the time. I have to keep going to these events until the shop is sold, too many customers depend on me to bring stuff out there, help them out, check their cars. I can't let them down too.

I have had repeated thoughts about Suicide, I guess the only reason I have not, is because I know it would destroy her. Even with all the pain I feel. I do not want her to feel what I am feeling. It got so bad the other night, I had written out a note, and was preparing. My best friend who lives a block away happened to call my house, and find the phone off the hook, and my cell phone turned off. He came over and almost beat my door down. I think he knew what was going on, I asked him to leave but he wouldn't. Instead he stayed with me until I cried myself to sleep on the couch. He stayed the whole night, AWAKE, Watching me. It's scary to think somebody that you have loved and done everything in the world for, Can drive you to these thoughts.

Still no contact with the wife. I sent her an email with the pictures of my street car being trailered away sold. She did not reply, as I expected.

I am finding more and more out about the OM. I spoke with a woman customer of mine last night after she asked me how my wife was. Come to find out the OM had hit on her and asked her out while he was dating his EX. Her words" It won't last, He's a piece of ****" And I had wondered why at 27yrs old, he's not married. He has a nice place, a good job, he's a smooth talker, attractive for a man, a nice car. All of his girlfriends are young for his age. His last GF was 18 and he was 26. He is very manipulative and controlling. I hate him with a passion.

I found out she has been staying the night as his house. That tears me up. As I'm laying on the couch crying myself to sleep. She's in bed with him.

I wish I could wake up one morning and not feel any pain. I weighed myself again and I'm down to 215. I have been using the same scale since the start. I went out and bought myself a new truck. As a present for myself I don't know. Maybe to entice her back. Since my last truck was hit, she has always wanted another one of the same kind. But red. So I went out and bought a 2003 Red Ford SVT Lightning.

I'll stop for now, Just rambling I guess. My brain is like mush, So many thoughts..

Chris

Jazzey,

I have passion for what I once had, but I also hate it. My shop kept me so busy that I feel is was one of the destroying things in my marriage. With all the races, with all the FFW events, All the shows. Took so much of my time. We never had time alone. Spend all day at work, then come home and work till bed. Sure we took our trips. to the track! Spend all day at the track with tons of people asking for help with their cars. We would go back to the hotel exhuasted, she would want to be intimate, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

How can I possibly still love something, that took so much from me? Wierd, Because I feel my wife took everything from me, but I still love her.

My street car was down for five months, mainly lack of time on my part to fix it after I split the block. My guys put it back together after she left, trying to cheer me up. Instead, I drove it out of the bay and went around my building and cried. Two days before she left she was telling me how much she loved the car and couldnt wait to ride/drive it again.

Lidio and Erica are good people, I have talked with them several times about turbo issues with a few cars. And they helped me out one time on a set of BFG drag radials that were nationally back ordered and one of our DR cars needed some.

With the Lightning. I may race it this year in FFW Truck class. But thats just what I want to be if I decide to do it. I just want to be a racer. I don't want to be a shop owner, I don't want to be a tuner anymore.

Cars we have had.

89 GT, Was my old street car, Now a fully caged Race car

92 LX Street car

92 GT My newest street car that I sold

73 Mach 351C

73 Mach 347, heads,cam,intake car

01 Lightning Black
01 Lightning White

Now the 03 Red L, and a host of other beater cars.

As I watched the car transporter pulling away from the shop today. I wasn't sad, I was somewhat happy. I guess I am trying to get closure to a bad situation.

I have found out who my friends are, and who they aren't. Friends I thought were true friends, turned out not to be, and friends that I thought as nothing more than a friend, are the ones who turned out to be true friends.

I guess I am trying to move on. I have redecorated my place with the help of a few friends. It looks and feels so different. I am still sleeping on the couch though. I would replace "our" bed, but I just payed almost 2K for it 4 months ago. The couch isn't that bad I guess. I do wake up from nightmares constantly though.

It seems anything I do, always in the back of my mind I ask if she would like it. I like the way My place is, but I know she would love it.

Email me sometime and we can talk some more

tensecstang@hotmail.com

Hello all of us in common boat.
I wasn't consumed by work but consumed with my children, 5-9, I have stayed at home with them and also worked part time, full time now.
My wife got me thrown out of house 7 weeks ago, and I have seen my children but a handful of days, I have always had a better relationship with my kids than I have with my wife.
Now my wife's mother is controlling the time I have with my kids, I see them once a week, I know this is only tempory, (she filed for tempory custody of the children, which is a joke, because I am the one who raised them and she is bitter about that).
Oh and by the way her mom is soooooo against our marriage.
Matter of fact she just said the other day that her daughter was no longer a part of my life.
Well fine.......
I just want my kids to be as much a part of my life as they were 2 months ago, which was me having them most of the time.

The views expressed above are to be used in this forum as a support forum, nothing more, nothing less.

DI and JG. Sorry to hear about your WS's, I know how it feels. I'm not sure how good my advice will be, I haven't given much here yet. But, your stories are so familiar, and, well I'm a Mustang nut too:).

I know how it feels to just want to give up on things that used to make you happy. Think of that as a temporary adjustment. There should be a way to let things slip, without going away for good. Try to apply that to your passions. You are injured, so do what makes you feel better, or less worse, but don't forget what it was like to feel "normal". You want to get back there someday, and you'll want those things you used to enjoy. Like Mustangs!

Hey DI, I lost a bunch of weight after my DDay too. I think its partly because you want to starve yourself. To show your W, or others, how bad it is for you. Something like that. Also because it is something you CAN control, unlike what else is going through your mind. Hey, a lot of people would love to lose that kind of weight. If you don't let it go to far, you can end up in really good (physical) shape. Just don't forget your body still needs SOME food!

I'm farther along on this then you guys are. Here's my advice. Try to act in such a way thay you'll be happy to look back upon. Keep your self respect.

Hi JG,

I'm not much of a gear-head, but I do like my 'stangs. I have a '94 GT (my "winter" car) and a '89 5.0 convertible.

I just read your thread in general questions. Wow. We all have a tough road to hoe, yours is different. Hang in there. You too, DI.

This may not be the appropriate place to post my particular piece of rhetoric; however...

I notice that a neglected spouse who has sought emotional fulfillment elsewhere is involved in what is being called an "Emotional Affiar" and is being treated as a "Wandering Spouse". These terminologies are frightening to me.

It seems to me that most of these neglected spouses who do eventually "wander" have only wandered b/c the supposed "betrayed spouse" has been neglectful. Why were they neglectful? I believe that is b/c they too were involved in affairs; in fact they have stated as such…being overly involved in other things. There is more than one way of cheating...and it doesn't necessarily have to involve other people. So, I see that most of these ‘poor’ betrayed spouses seem to have actually started out as the betrayer; you’ve betrayed your vows to love, honor, and cherish. If you are overly involved in a life or activities separate from your spouse, it doesn’t matter if there is another person involved…you are still cheating.

I take issue w/the fact that emotionally neglected spouse’s who look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere are called ‘wandering spouses’. I am an emotionally neglected spouse, who after many, many attempts at emotional fulfillment from my emotionally distant spouse, inadvertently found emotional fulfillment from others around me. (I'm not speaking sexual here, just wanting to feel not so alone.)

And why, may I ask, does it take the threat of an affair to wake up some people. Personally, I feel that "If you can't give of yourself to me b/c you love me, (us, & our marriage) and b/c you care, I'd rather you not give simply b/c you are afraid of losing me and your 'way of life'!"

Yes - according to the definitions you peeps are using, I guess I would be considered the wandering spouse. I have done nothing to be ashamed of; however, it gets harder each day trying to ‘hang onto it’, especially when I see my spouse reacting out of (contrived?) fear. And all attempts made by my spouse now to 'make it work' per se, look only too superficial and self-serving; and in fact, I believe they are. I also feel that this fear is not so much fear of losing me, but more a fear of losing what my spouse has become comfortable with having around…losing me would change my spouse’s environment. It does me no good to know & feel that I am only an implement in my spouse’s environment, in that, if I weren’t there, would cause my spouse to feel uncomfortable (and of course the myriad uncomfortable environmental changes!); especially when I have been feeling excessive discomfort to the point that I would consider betraying my vows and compromising my principles to assuage my feelings of loneliness and despair!

I understand the concept of NC, however, from my point of view....I've been neglected for so long....all my attempts at closeness w/my spouse have failed.... I inadvertently 'connected' per se, w/someone who makes me laugh and makes me happy.... why the hell would I want to shut that off just to keep beating my head against a wall for an emotionally distant spouse who only reacts to me b/c I pitched a fit? I'm tired of being depressed, having thoughts of suicide (which I do NOT have anymore - yea!), wondering why I'm so unhappy, feeling despair, feeling unloved, glossing it over and blaming myself. Now that I know what has been ‘going on’, I feel so much better.

Yes – finding this site has provided me w/terminology to apply to my feelings and situation, but the bottom line is:….. even w/o the terminology, the love is either there, or it isn’t…call it what you will… and the way that you cherish your love, spouse, & marriage doesn’t need terminology, or description ; you either love, or you don’t. No methodology in the world can make you feel something you don’t; and like my mother used to tell me; Actions speak louder than words.

So answer me: why would I want to purposefully put myself BACK into an emotionally neglectful, depressing, self-defeating situation/mindset, just to have my emotional needs go continuously unfulfilled, and have the cycle repeat itself(?), knowing that my spouse is only reacting out of fear of losing his comfortableness, and not b/c of love? Because ultimately, therein lies the difference.