My story...Happily married for 15 years. One daughter in college, one 10 yr old boy. Everything was fine til last October. She starts showing all the signs of EA. No affection, secret trips, needs her freedom, not "in love" with me anymore. Steadily got worse. I started checking and caught her. She initially sort of admitted it, but not directly. Now she will not admit it (for fear of what my response will be), but will not deny it either. She says she is moving out as soon as she can find a place. Says she does not know what she wants, but needs time apart to decide. I have institued plan A. Any advice.

Keep on Plan A-ing, get the Surving an Affair and Love Must Be Tough books, work on yourself rather than trying to get her to work on the relationship.

How curious are you? Can you hire a PI to get info on her and the OG? ("Other Guy") Can you get her cellphone records?

Come here for support, read other's posts ("Recovery" board)

I have enough info to be 99.99% sure she is having an EA(semen check of underwear positive, recorded phone call, etc). I quess the only question is whether it is still going on or not, which I believe it is. She says she is not going to admit to anything I can use against her. She has not asked for divorce, although I am considering it, based on her current behavior. She says I can not be checking up on her the rest of her life, she won't stand for it. How much should I pursue keeping track of what she is doing? I could get a PI, but if she found out, it would only push her away further.

Confirming the truth would not push her away more. HOW you handle yourself with what may come from an investigation confirming your suspicions, CAN have the potential of driving her further away. If you want to have a good shot at saving your marriage, you will have to learn all you can from books like Harley's 'Surviving An Affair''Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs'. In the meantime, don't ask her anymore questions that you know she will NOT want to answer, be cordial and civil, and try to ride out this as best you can by continuing with your life as though she is not a part of it. Hopefully, she'll calm down and in a few days she will be more receptive to your plan A.

So if you check up on her and get evidence proving she's cheated, she'll divorce you? She'll leave? Could you stand that?

If you get more proof than you have now, are you certain you would file for divorce?

I'm not calling your bluff, gambler. I'm not going to hold you accountable or say "Hey you backed down" or anything. I'm just asking if you can live with an unfaithful wife long enough to repair and recover, or whether your pride and self-respect would demand ending your marriage.

Also, please note, I'm not saying either option is the right one. Just asking you to talk to yourself deep secretly inside.

thanks for the replies. She is looking for a place to stay(close to home), and has these crazy ideas like she will still come over and do alot of the things she does now for our boy (dinner, clothes, homework, as she does not want to affect him. She is on nightshift(which is how all this got started), and wants to still come to our house, get him up and take hime to school, and then be back when he gets home to fix dinner etc.
Since she can not find a place to rent yet, she says maybe buying a small home in the area is an option, and if we get back together, we could keep it as a rental property. She also wants us to pay off her vehicle to free up some money to open up more options.(ALL our finances are combined). My question is, how receptive should I be to all these requests and ideas. Some of them are not very attractive to me. Help.

gambler11:
"She is looking for a place to stay(close to home), and has these crazy ideas like she will still come over and do alot of the things she does now for our boy."

This is good. If she continues to distance herself emotionally, at least she'll be available some times for your son.

"Since she can not find a place to rent yet, she says maybe buying a small home in the area is an option, and if we get back together, we could keep it as a rental property."

Doesn't a house cost money? Does she have some cash socked away to make a down payment?

No? Sounds like fog talk. You are not obligated morally to help her buy a house to keep as a love nest. Suggest to her that she look for a room to rent in somebody's house, if she can't find an apartment.

"She also wants us to pay off her vehicle to free up some money to open up more options.(ALL our finances are combined). My question is, how receptive should I be to all these requests and ideas. Some of them are not very attractive to me."

In your place I would do nothing to enable her to pay anything off. I always say this, so I'll say it again now.

See a good lawyer and protect your assets. She can't be "on her own" and depending on you to provide a financial cushion to enable her single life.

Protect your credit. It would be worth it to get a lawyer. Don't think of it in terms of will she get angry, or is it a Love Buster. Think of it as your responsibility to your little boy to protect the finances he will be depending on to keep his innocent little life secure while your wife lives in her fantasy world.

Do this without being emotional, mean, vindictive. (easier said than done)

Do this proactively to keep life secure for your son. Rolling over and being a doormat for her ain't gonna make her love you again. And subsidizing her dream world is not in the best interest of restoring your marriage.

I know I've been redundant. Take care of yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Our finances are all together and the income is, and has been, relatively equal (60% me, 40% her). I have always handled all money issues; bill payments, checkbook balance, investments, taxes, college funding, etc. Should I just sit back and let her work through all the details, like opening her own accounts, using our savings to pay off the car or purchase of a small house? Or should part of Plan A be to help her through all those items. everything is in both of our names.

gambler11,

One of the great addictions of the affair is the lack of reality in the relationship. I have been where your are. If I were you I would not provide her with any resources to enable the affair. Let her and her lover face a little reality. Let her figure it out for herself. Do it in a way that minimizes the love busting. You do not have to be a hero to win her back. Try and switch roles with the OM in terms of needs. Let her try and get him to provide some of the needs that she is depending on your for and you try and provide the needs that she is getting from him. If she decides that she wants to reconcile, then you should attempt to satisfy all of her needs. I can pretty much assure you that the other man will be unwilling to satisfy her financial needs. At that point the affair will die due to the generous helping of reality.

Good luck to you and continue visiting here. The folks here will help you through it.

redhat .. does that mean you reconciled your marriage, and it is stronger now?