I don't know how to explain what I am going through. Last Feb 2002 I found out that my husband of 18+ yerss was spending time with a old high school girl friend of his. When I mentioned my fears to my best friend, who was living with us at the time, she revealed to me that she knew about the other woman and that she had infact seen them kissing, she also had over heard intimate phone calls between my husband and someone on nights that I had to work late. I found out where the other woman lived and knew that it was in the same town that my husband had gone for a week long business trip. I can't explain it but I knew the day he left on that trip he was going to be with someone though at that time I didn't know who. I confronted my husband with the infomation I had and he told me that yes he had kissed her when she was visiting our town and they did meet in Denver for "dinner". I didn't handle it well and became very angry. My husband then infomed me he did not love me any more and throught divorce was best. I refused to give up on our marriage and give him a divorce. My trust in my husband was completely gone, but I still wanted to save our marriage. After a number of very rough weeks we began to work things out. He told me he did love me and that it was over between them, that he wanted his marriage to work and to just let it go. In June 2002 we went to his high school reunion and she was there. He told me I was making to big of a deal out of it after all he was with me. I wanted to beleive him but I had to many signs that it was not over. When I first found out about the other woman I had out phones bugged. I was late in June when I heard my husband telling another woman how much he loved her and in his heart it would never be over. I also found out that his sister had actively helped in the afair by helping him hide it and telling him he should divorce me and marry his old school mate. I can only say that the rage I felt I have never felt before nor do I ever want to feel again. Still I did not want a divorce. I called the other woman confronted her in less than a nice way. I made my husband listen to the tape of his conversation with her. It took a few days and my husband came to me and told me he was sorry but he would not ask for forgivness because he did mot deserve to be forgiven. He believed he was trying to recover his youth or a mid life crisis. I can honestly say he has been working hard to repair the damage he has caused. He says he understands that the trust and hurt are going to take a long time to heal and he will help any way he can. I have good days, but if I have a chance to think about it I because angry and scared. I also know that the "feeling" I had before he went to Denver I have had many times before in our marriage. He also told me it was my mind playing tricks or I was worried about nothing. I asked him the other night if there had been other affairs. He told be to let the past stay in the past and he was not going to answer my question. I need to know who they were and when they happeded so I can move on. I am not angry any more. I just want him to be honest with me. Am I just going crazy?

Hi KLC,

Welcome to MB.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much with your H's A.

To answer your question: You are NOT crazy. what you are feeling are the "normal" reactions of someone who's spouse has betrayed them.

Let me address some of the comments that your H made...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...my husband came to me and told me he was sorry but he would not ask for forgivness because he did not deserve to be forgiven. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Total hogwash! Your H just doesn't want to face the fact that he's hurt and humilliated you in the most cruel way possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also told me it was my mind playing tricks or I was worried about nothing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical WS babble... trust your instincts... like most BS, I think you'll find that your gut instincts don't lie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told be to let the past stay in the past and he was not going to answer my question. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he would say this... I hate to say it, but just from what you've told us, I'd bet that he's had at least one other A that he's not telling you about.

Now, what to do about it... You've already made a decision to fight for your M. Good for you! This will be the hardest thing that you've ever done in your life.

Read all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Work on making yourself the best that you can possibly be and post here with any questions that you come up with...

It doesn't appear that your H is ready for MC yet, but don't let that stop you. You should find a good IC and start working on yourself...

I wish you the best as you start to rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Click on the link in my sig line.

IMO, not knowing is worse than the truth. There are those who disagree. I think in your case, if you suspect multiple affairs, you will NEVER trust him without knowing the truth. But work through the recommended books with him - he will probably be more interested in the truth after you do.

Here I sit and I should be in bed with my husband. I am feeling low. I have tried to get my husband to talk about past affairs. I puiled all the information off the web site on infidelity and radical honestly for him to read. His comment was "good info but made him very uncomfortalbe" I asked what I could do to make him more comfortable I got the standard answer "nothing". I have tried writting an agreement between us that would give him a safe place with out anger to disclose. He did say the agreement did make him a little more comfortable, but we still have not talked. I don't know how to start the conversation so he will not be on the defensive. I want to be able to just discuss it open and honestly. I know I have a part in it and I accept that. But if I don't know what that part was how can I ever change how I meet his needs. One of his problems is he will tell me what I want to hear about what he is feeling NOT what he is really feeling. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to start the conversation and to get him to tell me how he really feels?

KLC,

Don't know what to say about your situation, really. 18 years is a long time. I can't imagine how much you must suffer from discovering this after all these years together.

-Ad

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Ad
Yes I am still here and 18 years is a long time. I have loved my H from the beginning. We met while he was in the Navy and he is now retired. I had a life plan that we would be happy in our later years never did I plan to go through so much heartache. I am determined to do what ever it takes to make our marriage a better and happier place for the BOTH of us.

I am sorry you W is not at home right now. I know how horrible and lonely it can be when you have time on your hands and you are hurt and wondering. I have come to know I can't change my H only myself I only hope that in the process he will feel safe enough with me to want to change also.

I know marriage builders has been a God send for me. I hope you are able to find the same comfort and understanding as I have from it. I know I am getting more and more answers to the whys and wherefores.
klc

KLC,

Do you have an kids?

AD
My children (from previous marriage) are all in their 30's and with the exception of one know nothing of what my H and I are going through. They believe we have the prefect marriage. I don't know how they how they will react if they should find out. KLC

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>