My wife and I have been married since 1980 and lived together for a few years prior to this.

We had a very vigorous sex life for many years, which appeared to tail off and then be very sporadic - depending mostly on her moods and how much drink had been consumed.... perhaps I thought a sign of a mature marriage.

In 1996 we went to work in the Arabian Gulf and I noticed my wife's attrraction to the local guys, of which we used to joke at the time.

She developed a friendship with one client, but held it that it was purely a friendship and the fact that he was old enough to be her father, so no thoughts in this direction.

As this friendship developed one of her girlfriends stitched her up one evening, telling me where she was having dinner. I drove to the restaurant, which had (as most do here) private rooms with curtains.

Hearing my wife's voice I drew back one curtain and found her kissing and groping the guy. A heated argument followed and later she promised to finish it. She insisted that this was the first time anything like this had happened. She did not finish it and I resigned my job and we moved to another Gulf State. She maintained occasional contact, admitting this every now and then but saying that they were just corresponding old friends.

She always insisted that there was never any sex and in fact said she was grateful that I had caught them before anything did develop physically.

She then developed a friendship with a girl in the new country and her Arab husband, spending long periods and sometimes nights with the girlfriend, who she said had marital and alcohol problems. I noticed an Arab friend of the husband also spending time in the house but my wife told me that he just called on his mate every now and then.

Two and a half years ago my wife became pregnant with our daughter. Immediately the girlfriend took second place and eventually disappeared off the scene.

We moved back to the first country as I had a very luctaive job offer and had trusted her that the first relationship was now over and that she would not contact him.

Recently my wife has been losing weight and on a fitness drive, buying new clothes, underwear etc.

Last night my wife went out on a girls night out at a local club. The club closed at 4am and a one of the girls brought her home. At 4.10am I called her to see if all was ok and she told me she was going to see another friend who had lost her mother.

Tonight my wife sat down and told me that she had in fact been out with an Arab man she knew and had had sex with him. She said that she felt giulty and had to tell me, but it later came out that they had been caught by the mans wife who had called the police (adultery is a criminal offence here)

I asked her if this was the first time she had been unfaithful and she then told me that the original relationship had involved regular sex and that she had in fact been in bed with the guy all day before I caught them kissing.

She then admitted to an affair with the friend of her girlfirnd's husband who she had been sleeping with regularly at her friend's house, as well as regular sex in his car during daytimes.

The next bombshell was that she had had a relationship with another Arab guy, having sex whilst I was away on business and also the night before I returned .... My daughter was conceived the night I returned as she went off sex for 1 - 2 months after this.

She said that she does'nt know who is the father and that the guy had regularly seen my baby after she was born.

She tells me that these are all the men she has been with during our marriage and that she wants to stop this obsession with Arabs now before it wrecks her marriage. She says that every time she had sex she was drunk and now wants to give up drinking, only going out with me in order to gain my trust.

She says that she is still obsessed with Arabs but does not know why but will avoid contact alone from now on.

She still holds it that she has had no contact with the first lover, but admits that she has been told that he has been asking people where she lives and her mobile phone number.

I know I am a mug, especially as I ignored repeated reports from friends over the years who hinted regarding three of these men.

Should I give her a last chance ?

Should I insist on a DNA test as the paterity issue is eating me up ?

In view of the fact that she had unprotected sex with all these men should I and my daughter be tested for STD's and HIV ?

I am numb and cannot even eat, cry or get angry.

Can anybody help before I top myself ?

I'm sorry, but your wife is a drunken sl_t.

She has deceived you repeatedly. Many, many, many times. Spent days away from you to be with these other men.

Has a bizarre "Arab" fetish.

Brought home a baby that might not be yours.

Why do you want her?

To turn this around, I think that only someone with very low self-esteem would. But, you sound rather successful.

Move on.

MLM2.

In case you havn't noticed, MarriageBuilders.com is all about saving and rebuilding a marriage. We believe that if someone wants to save their marriage, then we'll give them the tools, information, and support they need.

I am completly offended by your post. You are being disrespectful to this man when he needs our support, and you're trying to influence him towards a divorce he hasn't even mentioned wanting. Personally, I'd like to see your post removed. Just because you've been burned doesn't give you the right to tear down others like this.

MB is built around the idea that all marriages can be saved, changed, and turned into the wonderful happyness we all crave. Yes, his wife has made mistakes, but there is always a chance they could become the happiest couple in their town. Why? Commitment and work from the two of them.

MLM2, if you can't give any good advice, you would probably be best to keep silent.

Blind&VS:
I know you have to be hurting beyond belief right now. Marital infedelity can lead to the greatest pains suffered by man. The betrayal is so much more vicious when it comes from a spouse. Your first decision should be if you want to save your marriage. Rebuilding is possible, but it will be a long, hard road. If you have the strength, and your WW is committed, then you CAN make it better than ever.

Read the other information on MB. I'd suggest the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives great advice about Plan A/B, keeping your sanity, focusing on you, and how to rebuild.

Hope may seem distant and dark from you right now. You may feel that there's no chance. But where there are 2 people willing to try, there's always hope. I wish you good luck, and will remember you when I pray.

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: JohnnyB ]</small>

Hello!

Sorry to hear ur story u must be by now in a rollercoaster of feelings...

My advice would be... Do not take harsh desitions now...If u feel like u still besides all love ur wife let some time pass for your feelings to be more stable... Seek MC...

Also on the paternity test my point is you should do it, that is going to haunt you until u find out for sure... but also be aware of the results could be critical for the future relationship with ur daughter (that u already accepted as urs)... So ask yourself DOES IT REALLY MATTERS THAT MUCH??... I mean she still needs a father and you are the one with ur wife right, and accepted her and love her as ur daughter...?

No matter what God gave u the blessing to got a kid at home... I wish it where the same for me....

Hope this all helps

MLM2,

I've reported your post to the moderators.

Your comments here are totally un-called for and are NOT appreciated.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Folks, I would tend to agree with MLM2 here, but not use such harsh words. And for what it is worth, I am a man who used to cheat on my wife with prostitutes.

Blind, is your wife confessing to you because she finally realizes the stupidity and evil of her actions, or because she is afraid of the law in the country you're currently living in, and hopes you will save her?

Only if she admits that she has a severe problem, (addiction, compulsion, use the word of your choice), and is actively going to seek help to overcome it, does you marriage seem worth saving. And believe me when I tell you it ain't gonna be easy for her to kick this habit! (By the way, despite her best efforts she may not succeed, so prepare yourself for that.)

Because of the legal ramifications, I would definitely get the DNA test done.

Good luck!

I am sorry that you find yourself in this nightmare. Personally, I would have a DNA test done to determine whether you are the biological father. I would also recommend being tested for all the STDs. As for staying with this woman who has brought dishonour to you and herself only you can make that decision. However, you need to keep in mind that she has shown herself to be serial adultress who has been screwing around for many years during her marriage. I don't believe your wife is obsessed with arab men. It is that she is obsessed with the excitement and thrill of other sexual partners. She would have been exhibiting the same behaviour even if you were living in Europe or mexico. The chances are that your wife will cheat again everytime the opportunity arises.

What an absolute horror story. I agree with others that it makes sense to have a paternity test on the baby and be checked for various STD's.
It seems pretty clear that she is a serial cheater and it also seems clear that you probably knew what was going on (catching your wife hugging and kissing another man, friends telling you she is cheating etc) but prefered to be in denial. I am fearful for you that your past with her most certainly will be your future. I think you need to decide really how committed you and she is to this marriage. It is clear that she is a player. You and she are very fortunate that you have not contacted anything. I don't think anybody deserves what happened to you. What ever you decide remember that you were a whole person before you met her and you will be a whole person if you decide to leave. I honestly cannot imagine anyone wishing to stay in marriage after what she has put you through. I think you deserve to have a better life but I wish you great luck nob matter what you decide.

{{{MLM2}}},

Language and decorum must be honored on these forums.

Continued communication that is derogatory (whether directed at WS, OP or BS) will not be tolerated.

Constuctive criticism is always appropriate, name calling is not.

OneGoing.

B&VS

I agree I'd get a DNA test. Also knowing the sexploits of Arab men I'd be tested for STD's. I've heard they like to take sex vacations to Africa.

Only you can decide whetehr you want to save your M. I can tell you what I'd do, but I'm not you.

Good luck,

cwmac

I feel that the efforts and time spent by you guys in replying to my dilemma deserve an interim response .... still not 100% clear about why it all happened but full honesty now appears to be helping.

Some of your comments were helpfull and the advice provided was varied, if not blunt ... but everyone is entitled to his opinion.

The strange thing is that no one has tried to apportion any blame upon me ... it may be that I have done something wrong (put on too much weight, become complacent in some way, lack of excitement in the relationship ... which used to be very different before the pressures of expatriate work and lifestyle)

Perhaps an opinion from Dr. Harley himself might address this, if possible ?

After a few days of feelings sinking in ... and I'm afraid more than a few low moments and tears, we have talked long and hard about the problem.

We are both committed to trying to make this work and for some strange reason (and although far from happy about it) I actually feel grateful for the eventual honesty.

My wife has told me that she has been living with this deception for many years and wanted to tell me about it long ago. She thought that she had stopped this obsession and was disgusted and horrified a few days ago, when the sober reality of what she had done to me hit her ... hence why she bit the bullet and told me straight away.

I appreciate the comments that she may have only done this to get my help in case of police action, (which has not happened and knowing the way they work here would have been actionned within hours) but she did not have to admit to the other affairs, of which I probably would have carried on in innocent trust .... this is a very strong point in favour of her new honesty policy.

She might have got away with admitting a one-night-stand, but took a very big risk in telling me the full history.

As I pointed out 2 things - scenario 1 being telling me the truth after the first affair ... which she did, apart from the sex part.

She reminded me that a few weeks ago I mentioned in conversation that I had forgiven her for this, trusting her, and that I would have forgiven her if there had been sex (although I did say that she should have told me well before then if the truth were different)

In this scenario perhaps the full truth might have allowed us to try and avoid any repetition.

As I told her, this full revelation has been an incredible shock and more than a jolt to my self esteem, but had she told me about further ones as they happened, I would probably have just done a knee-jerk reaction and walked out.

Am I making sense ?

We have been to hell and back over the last few days, including a heated agreement to divorce, followed by a mutual back-down, hugs and an agreement to work it out.

A good family day out yesterday helped and for some reason a few jokes about the situation appeared to stop my anger boiling over ... which she appeared to (and I very much hope) understand, despite the obvious embarrassment.

I have spent a bit of time reading through this website and am pleased that we appear to have gone on the right road to recovery without prior reading.

Particularly the reference to the initial shock of eventual honesty but the value of coming clean - at least I now know who was involved, who my "friends" are and who to look out for in future.

The first stage is that she wants to stop her drinking, go out together in future and has volunteered to let me know what she is doing etc., telling me and being completely honest regarding any future temptation so that I know she might have been tempted and how she stopped it.

OK, I have told her that this is her final chance to come clean, stop it and should I ever hear any new revelations, discover future infidelity or have reasonable cause to think she is again being dishonest ... this will be it, without any further discussion or excuse.

It will be a long road but I believe we both want to make it work.

Thanks for the advice.

BVS,

First, the choice to have these affairs was HERS. You may or may not be the best H in the world, but she owed you honesty about her feelings for you, and perhaps even a divorce before she did what she did.

Second, if you are accepting her story, then she needs serious counseling. I don't think the do it yourself approach will work, because of her deep issues with alcohol and specific men.

You two seem to have taken some positive steps, but just as people who abuse alcohol, this may only last until her next temptation. Repeating the message seek professional help for both the drinking and the sexual needs she seems to display.

I would also like to suggest that you get some books on the subject, Surviving an Affair by Harley would be a good one.

I do hope you two can work it out, but there are some huge hurdles because of her issues. This isn't just a marriage problem. There seems to be something deeper going on here.

hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

It's going to take work on the part of BOTH of you. It will not work if only you are doing your part of the work and she is just going about as business as usual. There is a tendency of many WS's to say they want to rebuild the marriage but only end up giving lip service and nothing concrete comes about. I would suggest that you contact the Harley's for telephone consultation and to read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. And to establish boundaries for your WW like no more contact with former lovers (even in a so called friendship relationship), no more alcohol, no more going out without you, and being totally honest when one of her former lovers wants to contact her. If she is in full agreement to these boundaries, then she is probably serious about wanting to rebuild the marriage, but if she is totally against them, then you've got some serious thinking to do about the future viability of your marriage.

BV&S,
i'm completely stupefied by your story! who can imagaine how horrible it must be to be married to such a faithless woman.

i'm agree with MLM2's assesment of the situation. sorry to have to say this to all you marriage builders out there but some marriages are just not worth saving and some H's/Ws are not worth keeping. and BV&S, sorry to say that it sounds to me like you have one of those!

and as an after thought, if any one out there wants to report me to the moderators around here for expressing my opinion then please feel free to do so! i'm almost as offended by some of the "holier then thou" folks who responses to this man's queries as i am by the acts off this poor man's wife. now go take that to the moderators why don't you?

coach

I have no objection to honest opinions, whether they be for or against - everyone is entitled to their opinion and should be allowed to express it.

Some may not agree with the way I am going about things and I sincerely hope that I can prove them wrong.

Our new honesty policy is a two-way thing and my wife has actually (at my invitation) read my posting and all the responses.

I downloaded the relevant advice pages yesterday and she asked me to leave them today so that she could read them in detail.

Although relieved that everything is now out in the open, she is so ashamed about what she has done and the original lack of thought for my feelings.

I only hope that this guilt will not impair her ability to get close again.

Most advice appears to have come from hurt husbands and little from women.

We did agree last evening that it would be helpful to hear from any WW's who have found themselves in similar circumstances, who have successfully rebuilt their marriages, why they did it, how they put things right, how they rebuilt the trust etc.

My wife feels that this might help her come to terms with why she did this and how to deal with the future.

It may also help me as I have asked her to truthfully tell me anything that I may have or not done which caused her to stray so many times. I feel that this is the only way that I can do my bit to keep her happy.

The only one she can think of at the moment is that I tended to work long hours and fall asleep when I got home, not listening to her and not interested in conversation - this I tried to change when my daughter was born ... but of course I did it for my daughter's benefit and not my wife's.

This could be significant as the affairs started with innocent conversations and pool games at the local sports and social club (when I had crashed on the sofa, not interested in anything but the TV and she had gone out to the village club alone, angry and frustrated) - then capitalised by guys perhaps taking the opportunity to ply a woman with drink when she was obviously feeling down.

There is no marriage guidance available in this part of the world so we are reliant upon constructive advice from others, deciding together which one's we should follow.

Any advice from the ladies would therefore be much appreciated.

If your wife is reading this. She should be aware that the arab world thinks of western women as infidel whor*s. Honour is considered extremely important in the arab world. Her shameful behaviour dishonoured her as well as her husband.If she was a moslem woman she would be stoned to death. These men look at your wife as being no different than a woman working in a brothel. My advice to you is to leave this part of the world and return to where you will be able to get therapy and marriage counselling for both of you.

The Harley's offer telephone counseling, so you may want to consider taking advantage of that.

The acid test that will tell you if her words mean anything, are her actions from now on. If she still insists on going out by herself, then that alone should tell you that she is not serious about being sorry and wanting to save the M. She has shown that she has very little control when it comes to other men, and unless she acknowledges this and tries to avoid being alone with other men, then the chances of her past behavior repeating itself, are very high.

Click on the link in my sig line. The suggestions therein will provide you with some ideas as to how to get to the question of "Why?" However, in your case I think your wife needs individual counseling, too.

Johnh39 (& WAT)

Thanks for the guidance ... WS's do seem to follow the same patterns, don't they ?

I just wish that I had found this website many years ago and would then have possibly taken the signs I now know as "obvious" more seriously.

I might have then been able to prevent the subsequent affairs and the embarrassment I now feel in the knowledge that I occasionally have to meet the people who previously warned me (saw her car here, heard someone bragging, saw x going into the friends house every time she was there etc, etc, etc.

As I told my W a few days ago, the excuse of "staying with a troubled friend" (the latest) finally made me open my eyes ... as this is the one I used to put my first wife off the scent.

I managed to change my old habits when I married my second wife .... perhaps this is what gives me hope that she can do likewise.

Well. my wife returned yesterday from the UK and told me last night that she no longer loves me and will be leaving me with my daughter.
She says that there is no one else and that she doesn't know exactly when she fell out of love with me.

She says that she cares for me but does not love me. She says that I am a special guy to forgive her affairs but that I dont deserve her ... says its not me, its her.

She wants me to take a paternity test as she does not want me to pay maintenance if my daughter is not mine. She feels sure that if the test positively identifies that I am not the father I will feel differently about her and my daughter (whatever I love my little girl and to me the paternity issue does not affect my love)

I have asked her to give things one more try to see if she can possibly fall in love with me once more - she has set a time limit of the end of school term.

Whether I get to see my little girl or not they will be 5000 km away so this would be very occasional.

It seems that everything that I get in life is taken away from me eventually .... what a loser !

Still reeling from this latest bombshell - will write more when I have thought some more.