I suppose I dont really belong here as I am the other woman. Let me please state my story before you have your words with me.
I am married for about 2 years and became just very close friends with someone I worked with. We ended up in a very close loving affair for about 6 1/2 months. We saw each other everyday (which our jobs gave us the freedom to do)and among that spent many nights with each and even took a long weekend trip. Did we fall in love? I want to say we did, we had both emotionally divorced ourselves from our spouses and resorted to stange means to keep ourselves physically distant from them during our time together. We developed a bond of friendship beyond anything each of us had experienced. Though our home lives were both suffering we continued our affair until the disasterous day of discovery by my spouse and his. Alot happened after that, he was asked to resign from his job as was I and we said good bye to each other. Well goodbye didnt last long and we were back to sneaking around etc....Unable to bare not seeing each other. Then we were discovered again....this is very short after the DD approx 2 days or so. Well we didnt speak for a few days and then he contacted me. Another month of happiness on rare occasions, as his spouse was very paranoid of his every move, as was mine. Well then it happened again, our spouses found out again. That is where I am at now. I dont know where to go now. I saw him today for the first time in about a week or so. He is so very sad and hurting.
I am not sure what to do, my spouse has been so very good to me through all this, the physical aspect of the relationship has not affected him much, but the emotional bond we developed has deeply hurt my husband. I have tried to say good bye to his man so many times, i do fine for a few days then he contacts me and he is sad and needing me and I crumble. He pages me constantly and calls whenever his wife leaves. He works this weekend and wants me to come. I want so badly to say NO, to walk away to never see him again and get back this great marriage I had. You see my marriage was so great , and I have asked myself many times why I did this to my husband. The man I had an affair with became a great friend and a line was crossed and now my world is a mess. He said one thing to me I remember so vividly "You know my wife has this long line of breast cancer in her family, maybe she will just die" that statement has stuck with me for a long time and I think about the wonderful things he has said to me, but in the back of my mind how could a man with 4 children wish death to his wife. How could he say , she has had 4 kids , when we are intimate together I dont know where I am at, she is loose, its horrible. I cant fathom my husband ever staying such horride things about me.........SO WHY < WHY cant i just let this man go. Why is it that every time he calls I go right back to the beginning of all this.........I was hoping he would move away as we live in a very small town, but that did not work. do i call his wife and put her through more pain of knowing he is contacting me? What do I do? I am trying so hard to do the right thing by my husband and I would be strong enough if he would disappear and stop contacting me. I cant change my phone numbers because of work and my husbands work, I cant move because my mother is not well and I need to be close to her. I cant get him to leave me alone, he always knows what to say and even me knowing this I still go back. he knows my daily rountine and has even shown up where I get coffee in the morning. I have met his wife on her request, and I am not sure she can handle knowing this is happeening again, but I cant do this anymore, I dont know who I am anymore, and I feel very lost. I just wish this never would of happened. Please offer me some advice. I suppose I am in the Withdrawl phase, but I could make it out if he would let me...i am sorry I have rambled but hard to fit 7months in a short letter.

I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but I recommend trying http://www.gloryb.com

Hi,

Yes, you will get flamed by some. I am not a flamer, unless you are my OW.

Now, you said you want back the great marriage you used to have. The only way is to get rid of the OM. Have radical honesty with your H, tell your H every time he calls you. Ignore his calls, pages, everything. What you are going through is a withdrawal. The affair was a fantasy, that is what made it so great.

Your H has shown what a wonderful man he is by standing by your side and trying to be a good H to you. You are very lucky to have this. There are plenty out here who was the WS (wayward spouse) and their BS(betrayed spouse) is not good to them out of hurt, pain, anger. It sounds like your H has not done any of these things to you.

Now, this OM has already shown his ugly side by wishing his W was dead. He is probably treating his W like crap. And you know what, if you two were to be together, eventually he would have treated you that way. Do you want to give up a loving H for a OM that is ugly?

For you M to survive, you need to cut off all contact immediately, have radical honesty with your H, answer all his questions, be accoutable for your where abouts, tell him everytime OM call you. Send OM a NC (no contact) letter, let your H read it, and mail it. If OM contiues to contact you, then take legal action to make him stop. Continued contact after you tell him NC, is harassement. There is nothing romatic about that.

I have not used the phone counseling with the Harley's, but I hear they are great. Suggest to your H that you do MC with them, follow their advice. Attend MC with a counselor who is pro marriage.

The book SAA (surviving an affair) would be good for both you and your H to read. If you are sincere on making your M work, after others are done flaming you, you will find support, as long as you are sincere and make every effort to get rid of OM, that include legal one.s

KS .... this poster is a married woman looking for help to restore her marriage. "Welcome to MB " is what you meant to say .... isn't it KS?

It is time, I replied to you on the planA/PlanB forum.

Welcome to MB.

Pepper

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I will not comment on your situation since I am not a good voice of advice.

I will say that if you have nothing constructive to say than silence is golden.

Itistime you will get blasted but sort through that because you should get some good advice also.

STTSI

Yes, she is, but gloryb also has a great deal of information on how to establish no contact with the other man and since she is technically an OW in addition to trying to keep her marriage together, I think it's also a good place for support for ending her contact with OM.

They aren't all horrible people on gloryb, I have learned a lot and thank goodness they are there - they are welcoming to both OW and BS as long as you don't go in flaming.

"They aren't all horrible people on gloryb"

I agree. Who said anything derogatory about gloryb?

We aren't all horrible people on MB either.

I just thought a "Welcome to MB, It is time" would be nice. Otherwise, it may be construed as a gesture to get her away from MB. I'm sure that's not what you meant.

Pepper

Oh, no of course not, just suggesting in addition to...

sorry, working on a deadlined project, and I remember when I first posted here, I wanted as many sites as I could find. I read this woman's post, and it sounded like she was in some emotional pain, and felt like she could use some help on a different site AS WELL as this one.

So, yes of course, welcome. But, I don't post here enough to feel like I can actually welcome someone... I'm not a moderator or anything..

but as an aside, I didn't flame or say, no you aren't welcome, so just to let you know I found *your* comment to me somewhat offensive, it almost looked as though you were strong arming and patronizing in the same message to me, and as a 40 year old woman, that was slightly irritating - although I realize it is just a post.

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: KS ]</small>

Yes, I know how irritating I can be.
But, sometimes, I'm not.

Pep

Oh, one more thing ...... (non-irritating, I hope)

KS said: "She is technically an OW in addition to trying to keep her marriage together."

See, here is where we disagree .... In my opinion, she IS actually a wife .... not 'technically'.

She is a man's wife. I think that point must be brought up with as much emphasis it will take for her to hear, especially since she'd like to remain married and remain a loyal and faithful wife.

Starting off identifying herself as "OW" puts her off on the wrong foot, in my opinion.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

From the perspective of the OM's W, she is the OW, but since the OM's W is not here and Itistime is, the proper designation for her is the WW(wayward wife).

But be that as it may, I beleive that Itistime needs to know that there is hope because others have been in her place and thru their courage to do what is needed to rebuild their marriages into much better ones than their pre-affair marriages, they not only achieved it but are better people for doing so.

I have read all your posts and I thank everyone very much. I have been honest with my husband when he contacts me, but I do hold back days like today for the simple reason of not wanting him to worry and hurt. I worked until noon today, as I was leaving the office my pager went off "Pray for me I hurt" ... I became very sad for him and when I looked up he was in his car behind me at the stop light. I talked with him briefly on my cell phone as I was driving home, he is so very sad. As far as the advice about calling the authorities, I do not do that for the simple fact of his profession. He is a Dr. and he has had much hardship with all of this and his job. He has a wife and 4 children to raise and the thought of making something so public in such a small town I could not do to his wife and children. I just wish I could get on with my life. I cant make past the withdrawl like this. I have been very honest with my husband about my feelings and he is a wonderful man, he has casted no blame on me and has been very patient and supportive. I wish so badly I could find what I need to be intimate with my spouse. We have not been that way for months, and I just cant figure out why I cant bring myself to do this? Any advice on that? Thank you for welcoming to the board it is not easy for me doing this as I am a private person, just didnt know where else to turn.

Decide which man you want to confide in and be emotionally intimate with. It cannot be both.

If you decide to hide todays OM phone contact from your husband .... you are not helping anyone.

-->OM will not get the message not to contact you. Instead of you helping him, he needs to turn to his wife, and let her in.

-->You cannot begin to heal until contact has ceased. Every time he pulls you in emotionally, you are back to square zero.

-->Your husband has someone (you) cheating on him emotionally and cannot protect himself or help YOU .

This is a very dangerous secret.

You are not protecting your husband from hurt by keeping secrets.

Lies are sooooo much more dangerous and hurtful than the plain and simple truth.

Betrayed spouses can deal with the painful truth .... how can anyone protect themselves from lies?

Tell your H about this call. Today.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I think the best thing for you to do is to not respond to him. Do not answer his pages, or calls. He will get the message. He will survive without you. He is not your concern. Do you want to lose your family because of him? Right now you have a very loving husband who wants you after all that has happened. His patience will run out some day.

Your H needs to know everything that is going on. Everytime you are an active participant in interacting with this OM, you are making withdrawals from you H's love bank. Telling him about OM trying to contact you will not. Participating in the contact will. If you ignore OM and tell your H you are ignoring him, that will help your H in his recovery process.

Your energies need to be focused on your family, your H and yourself. OM is not your family, you do not need to direct your energies to you. He does not need you. Everytime you respond, he thinks he has a chance and that you will resume the A.

It takes awhile to get to a point where you will not be bothered by this. You need to delete his messages unheard, you need to ignore his pages and calls. You need to reinforce to him that your M is what matters most to you. If he tries to contact you in person walk away and tell him to go away, and that you are working on your M.

Make yourself unavailable to him. He does not need you, he needs his wife and kids. He needs to start working on his M. Not working on trying to ruin your M. If he really cared for you, he would not put you through this, he would respect your wishes to rebuild your own M. He is only thinking of his own selfish needs.

O.K. lets try for some tough love here and maybe this will work for you. You have been caught by your husband cheating on him. You get caught again cheating on him and again cheating on him. Amazingly he does loves you and you admit that you have a great husband and had a great marriage.
How do you show your gratitude to your husband? You have stopped being intimate with him for months because of the crying over the OM.
Keep up with what you are doing and eventually your husband will say enough is enough and will refuse to be treated as a doorprise. If you wished to be divorced and see your husband eventually marry someone else who will love and respect him then continue what you are doing. What you are doing is very sadistic to your husband. You don't treat someone who loves you like your husband does the way you are treating him.
It is time for you stop acting like a little girl who has no control over her life. Either you wish to stay in a marriage with your loving husband and act like his wife or divorce him and let him fine a woman who can love and commit to a marriage. You continue in self-destructive behavior concerning your life and your marriage.
It is time to grow up and make a choice. The OM who is married and has 4 children sounds like a wonderful choice to be involved with and destroy all of your marriages? Close your eyes and imagine yourself alone because this is where you are headed. I am sorry I am being blunt but your husband does not deserve what you are doing to him. You are making the choices in your life. You decide how you wish to live your life and who you wish to hurt. The responsibility is on you and only you have the power to make things right. What do you really want in your life? Are you happy what you see in the mirror? Be strong and be an adult or stay weak and act like a little child. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

Tone might be a little too tough, but think about what BryanP is saying.

Take a look, a really good look at this OM...Why are you with him...what do you see in him? Most likely, your bond with him is that there is something misssing in each of your lives. You are seeking something and you found a common bond that you are in pain.

What you are doing, by continuing a relationship with this man (for lack of a better word, he does not act like a man), is further causing pain in your own life because now you will add guilt to your prior pain. Stop the cycle.

You need to cut contact with this man. He is weak. He has no respect for his wife. Think of what will happen if you leave your spouses for each other. This man will be the one to think thoughts about his wife like the ones he expressed to you, not your husband. He sounds like a very self-destructive person...not the ideal person for any kind of relationship.

If you can, step outside yourself and look at what is going on...it is up to you to break the cycle.

"I wish so badly I could find what I need to be intimate with my spouse. We have not been that way for months, and I just cant figure out why I cant bring myself to do this? Any advice on that? "

What you need to do is STOP communicating and contacting the OM. The affair has messed up your marriage big time. It has taken the feelings of love that you had for your husband and directed it toward the OM. Everytime you go to bed with your husband the OM is also there. It is amazing that you FEEL sorry that the OM is sad. A man who wishes his wife would die of breast cancer. A man who does not care about his 4 children. This is the kind of man you sacrificed a great marriage for. Do you have any idea what pain your husband must be going through. I don't think so. Your sleazy affair has made your husband feel less than a man. You have scarred his self esteem. He must be thinking about what kind of future does he have with you. Does he dare to have children with you? What happens if you have another affair 10 years later and there are children? Instead of
feeling sorry for this creep feel sorry for your marriage. Maybe the reason you got into an affair was that your marriage was too good. Maybe you need to be married to a creep like this OM and be treated like **** than you'll be happy.

OM is not someone worthy of feeling sorry for. If you and your H went to tell him to get lost and he still is selfish enough to harass you by attempting to contact you and spout his pretty lies, the he deserves what is coming to him. If he can't take no for an answer and he gets in trouble and loses his license to practice medicine, he has no one to blame but himself.

Well after a long week, it is over. Friday was my 2year anniversy with my husband, and of course I ruined it. I spent a few days this week with the man I was having an affair with, and Friday he left his wife. He called me at home and needed someone to talk to, so without hesitation and total disregard for my husband and our anniversy I went to meet him, we talked all night in the car and when I returned home in the morning my supportive husband was once again there. Asking many questions on what was going to happen to us etc.....I stood in the shower and cried. I got dressed for work and as I was driving the pain of the past 7 months hit me. I thought to myself this has got to stop, I dont know who I am , I have lost myself. I returned home from work and simply feel asleep. I work up and sent a text message to the man I had been seeing to tell him that of course my family knew now etc.....I didnt have time to say good bye before I recieved a message from him asking to check my mail box which I did. I sent him the no contact letter as well, as I had done before.....he will have the hardest time with the NC. I did well the few times we had tried to end it, but his continued contact make it impossible for me to move forward. I decided to talk to his wife, we had met in the past when we were first discovered. I sent her a message that one of our families had to move etc...we live in a small town. We decided to meet and talk. I had written her a letter that she of course read in front of me, that told her how deeply sorry I was for hurting her, my family and her family. We decided that we (her and I ) would keep in contact. That I would tell her the minute he tried to contact me and that if we were going to go out in town we would let each other know....like going to dinner etc....I still think the best is that one of our families move. I did alot of thinking last night about this. Will this work...I ask advice here please. His wife is a good woman and of course I have a husband that is someways too perfect. I am sure this arrangement is not the norm. But do you think it can work?

Despite your poor choice in deciding to meet with him a few days this past week, you did good as far as writting him the NC letter and establishing an agreement with his W that you would notify her if he tried to contact you. But your H should be the one you should rely on to be your pillar of strength and support, and nothing would show him that you are truly serious about wanting to rebuild the M and be the loving W he married, than your asking for his help in you trying to convince the OM to never contact you again. This would be a huge step in his regaining his trust in you.

As far as whether it will work, you may do well in remembering that you are very much like an addict that is trying to quit using drugs, but yes it can work IF and only IF you make the COMMITMENT to take all necessary precautions to make his contacting you very difficult (i.e. getting your H to help you convince him that you are serious about him never contacting you again, getting rid of his access to you via text messaging, e-mail, instant messaging, cell phone, etc.). But he too is addicted to you and unlike you, he does not want to give up his addiction. He doesn't want to beleive that you want to rebuild your M, and that if he's persistant enough that you and him will end up being together. That is why it's vital that you and your H form a united front, until OM finally realizes that you mean business and lets you get on with your life.

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>