I have had this dilema for a while, I hope someone with similar experience can give me an advice.
Me and my wife separated 6 months ago. She said she was not in love with me anymore.
Since then, she dated few guys already, but she keeps saying she does not know what she wants, but she know she does not want a relationship without love, tells me there is no one in her life etc. Even though I know there were some guys since, and there is one now which seems to me as the one who can take her away from me forever, at least from what I can see according to e-mails.

My dilema is-is this an affair? And should it be treated as one? Or, since we are separated I have no right to confront her. At least that is what I think she thinks. But I am still hoping to be together and she knows it. Yet she keeps me in limbo.

It depends on what 'dating' these other men really was. If it involved physical and/or emotional intimacy of any kind, then yes IT IS an A. BUT if these so called dates were nothing more than getting to know these men as potential platonic friends, then I would say IT ISN'T an A. In any event, dating while married is NOT something indicative of a spouse intent on marital recovery, even if there is no A present.

Being separated, IS NOT the same as being divorced, and married person that beleives otherwise and is involved in any intimate relationship other than his/her spouse, IS IN an A.

What you need to do is to sit calmly with your W, and tell her that you won't get angry with her if she tells you the truth of the extent of these so called dates. Only in an emotionally safe environment can honesty truly flourish.

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hard to say, but my guess is that there is something more to the story. Somewhere on this board, people posted signs of an affair and you may want to take a look at these and see if many apply in your situation.

From what I have seen on this board, few people just separate and divorce without an affair on one party's part.

Coffeeman defined everything correctly, but I would add that you need to really look at the actions of your spouse to see if an affair already happened.

I'm not sure it is relevant, since she does not seem to want to be married. Yes, I would say she is having at least one A, probably several by my definition. But, given your situation, what do you do?

If she is not having an A then she is withdrawn. The MB prescription for both of those is Plan A (though I think this link only mentions its use as a strategy employed by the BS during an A): What Are Plan A and Plan B?. To over-simplify things a little bit, Harley's approach to recovery after an affair is to work on having a great marriage, so I think his book "Surviving an Affair" might be a good place for you to start.

I don't wish to be pessimistic but do not take explanations at face value if they are backed up with fact.

I was aware of most of my wife's "platonic" relationships but chose to believe her.

This subsequently became a big shock when she admitted them to be physical and then admitted further EA's to me at the same time.

Although not a marriage guidance expert (and hardly qualified anyway)I do not personally believe that trial separations work - my first wife and I tried it and both of us ended up in other relationships quite quickly due to the lack of companionship etc.

My first wife was happy to be separated as long as I was paying the bills ... when I stopped she immediately filed for divorce without considering any further discussion or MG.

Thank you for the replies.

2MCM: My wife's affairs were intimate, even though I was in the plan A at that time.Now she found a new one on the internet, have had contact with him for a month now, they talk on the phone for hours, she is even flying to see him next week.
J39: I know about concepts of A and B plans, but it is harder ever since I discovered that she is absolutely not interested in the changes in me, in fact she keeps the same anger towards me as she did at the time of separation. And continuation of my plan A just does not seem to work.
B&VS: I have a feeling that I could change my name to yours, I also seem to be pretty much very stupid, she has a part time job, lots of time for fun, meanwhile I have a job that requires a lot of travel and different shifts, I pay for everything, and if I talk to her that it is really hard on me(her having fun with different other people, and me hopelessly dreaming of at least a chance to be able to work on our marriage.), she switches to divorce mode.

I wonder if I have been in a plan A for a short period only and she simply could not see and confirm changes in me, even though she acknowledged them a few times so far. Her actions(anger, resentment) speak more that her words.
My concern is that I give her a wrong signals:whenever she sees me being supportive and cheerful, she thinks I have moved on and we could be friends, or that she can go on with her life without me because she cannot see me unhappy.
I have to admit that during my plan A I had few angry outbursts also many times I was sad and did not talk, which meant for her to come to see me even less, because as she puts it: I do not want to see you if you are only sad and quiet, and have that long face. How can I be cheerful when my heart is hurting so much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but it is harder ever since I discovered that she is absolutely not interested in the changes in me, in fact she keeps the same anger towards me as she did at the time of separation. And continuation of my plan A just does not seem to work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is normal, but the fact is that you do not actually know the source of the anger she directs your way. The WS's that post here will tell you that the anger they directed toward their BS while still in the A was fgrequently the result of trying to deal with their own guilt over their own actions, and when the BS treated them well, it made them feel worse, not better, which made them even more angry with themselves. But the fact is, they DID notice, even though the BS at the time might have been posting here saying "Plan A is not working". Beyond that, Harley says that anytime a person is in withdrawal fromtheir spouse, whether due to an A or any other reason, there are moments when they sort of stick their head out of their shell and check on what is going on. BUT, you will never actually know when it is happening. So, you have to be really consistent with your Plan A, to make sure that when they open the window and look out, they see the new, improved you. This may make them angry - once they are in an affair, they usually want you to treat them badly so they can justify their actions to themselves, and you don't, it takes away their excuse. She WANTS that excuse. Don't give it to her.

Thank's for the response, John39.

Sometimes I have a feeling that she is in the same stage of withdrawal as she was a year ago, at the time of her"I love you but, I am not in love with you" moment. As if she expected me to give up on her then. It is hard to let it go unnoticed, but again nobody told me the plan A was easy.
And as you said I have no idea where this anger comes from. I think I have to talk to a friend of mine, whom she talked to just before she told me how she felt a year ago. That friend phoned me and asked how I was about a month ago, I said I was still trying to save our marriage, he then told me that he talked to my wife about us just before our marriage breakdown and he promised her not to tell me about the discussion, but he says he does not want me to suffer anymore, so he wants a meeting with me. Apparently if I had known things she said about me a year ago I would have killed her. I am no killer of course, but the revelations may help me understand the depth of her withdrawal, or find out things I do not know. Should I talk to the firend, or should I let it go, since a year ago she was in a different situation than she is now.

Of course you should meet with this friend. The more knowledge you have the better you will be able to put these things in perspective. It sounds like he may tell you that your wife was having a physical affair with someone else and putting your health at risk. It will do you no good hiding from the truth. It may be something else like drugs or whatever. How are you able to comprehend everything without having all of the facts at your disposal. It is important that understand everything that has been going on with your wife even if it hurts you. You will never be able to rebuild without having all of the information at hand about your wife and your marriage. Do not be afraid to learn all of the truth. I wish you luck.