After suspecting off and on for two years, I just found out the truth. The funny thing is, I found this site several months ago after a confrontation with my wife (she denied the A at that time). I suggested the practices on this site as a way to get our marriage back on track but she resisted to the point of anger.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but we love our children, and that may be what gets me past the initial stage (where I am dizzy, and can't even breath). I don't know what she is planning yet. She says that she is sorry, will end the A, and will Work on our marriage, but what she says, does not mean alot to me right now.

I do love my wife, I always have. It's a sad day when you find out, that it's not enough.

Coldlakes

You are right. I remember ow hard it wasa when my wife told me, even though I knew for three days what she was going to tell me. Actually hearing it is so much worse. Click on the link in my sig line for my best advice to you.

Coldlakes --

Welcome to MB. I'm very sorry for the pain which has brought you back to us. Know that you're not alone, that many of us have "been there" and know the feelings you're experiencing. We'll help you all we can to get through this.

First, know that this is fixable, that the two of you and your family can recover from this crippling blow and that you can have a better marriage than ever, but she's got to want that and so do you. Your W says she's sorry, that she'll end the A, and will work on your marriage = all very good signs, all necessary for your recovery and for your future together.

I'm encouraged to read those statements from W, and also that you continue to love her and remain committed to her and to your relationship. Tell us a bit about your situation: your ages, how long married, children and their ages, whatever you're comfortable with.

You've suspected an A for maybe two years. Now that it's "out," will she discuss any details you need? She needs to do that for you and really for herself. If she's recommitted to you, she'll need to give you whatever information you want to help you heal.

W's resistance (to the point of anger) to your suggestions about getting your marriage back on track is standard WS fare, especially when an A is on-going. The main thing now is how she's going to handle herself from this point forward. If she's really ending the A, she has to agreed to NC (no contact) with the OP. No meetings, no phone calls, no emails, nothing. Your W will not be able to work on your relationship until all contact has stopped and she can redirect her energies and time toward you; it's that simple.

Read everything you can get your hands on here, especially the "Are You New Here?" on the Home page. You may want to get the book "Surviving An Affair" (SAA), also available here. Read and read some more--knowledge is survival. Post whenever you need to and keep us in the loop.

Let's hope she wants this as much as you do. Let's hope you both have the stamina and patience and love to heal this gaping wound in your lives. Give your kids extra hugs and let them know that they're not in any way responsible for your family's current instability.

Hang in there and know that we're here for you...

Ammon

W and I have been married for 11 years, and have two elementary school age children. About four years ago, she began to say that she was unhappy, and felt we did not communicate well. Finances, sex, our opinions about how to raise our children were all factors.

Discussing my shortcomings has always been extremely difficult for me, and during these conversations, I would close up, and deny that our relationship had problems. Because of my strong convictions, and the fact that her own parents divorce was caused by her father's infidelity, I never thought either one of us would have an A.

Two years ago, she stopped touching me. No hugs, real kisses, or secret smiles. That's when I knew.

I found the final proof (through a forwarded email) on the second day of a vacation she was taking with her best friend. The night I confronted her was when she said she wanted to work things out. She just got back last night, and now she is not sure if that’s what she really wants (she still has agreed to NC). From what I've read here, I can only hope that after withdrawal, we can clearly begin to think about good choices for our future (and that of our children).

Oh God, why could'nt I have understood this four years ago, when she was trying to help.

Coldlakes --

Hindsight and its clarity make us think that we could or should have seen and assembled tiny pieces of tinier pieces. "If only..." Don't beat yourself up for missing things or for your perceived inaction in the past. What needs to be done today? What can you do right now to help you, your W, and your marriage to heal?

Thanks for the info on your family and some background on your situation. Glad to hear of your on-going concern for your children as well as for your marriage. The innocents always end up suffering and paying for a situation that they had nothing to do with. They're old enough to be "let in," at least on the surface ("Mom and Dad are having some problems right now...") and reassured and loved all the more.

This may need more than just your determination and hopes. Can you two get into counseling, either locally or right here with the Harleys? Some professional direction and guidance would stack the deck and maximize your efforts.

If W is backsliding now about wanting to work things out, what is she proposing? Not much chance of her recommitting to you until the A is over, yet she still agrees to NC. Take it if you can get it, and the sooner, the better. Let's just hope she can and will hold to it.

Do you know how long the A has been active? Do you know who the OM is? What does your W say she wants? Is she willing to talk with you about these issues? The A has to end and then W has to unwind emotionally from its effects before any real progress for you two is possible.

Please keep us in the loop...

Ammon

Cold Lakes-

My your situation sounds familiar. My WW claimed to be "depressed"--And claimed she didn't know why. I like you was very skeptical of a relationship w another man that she claimed to be "just friends" with. Isn't scary how familiar/predictible of a pattern these affairs follow? I am sorry about the pain this has caused you, I know how devestating it must be. How did you find out...Did she tell you???

Just know one thing...Its not your fault. Nobody's perfect and our spouses are responsible for their own actions. For a long time I was guilt ridden but I then realized "Hey 100% of my needs aren't being met & I didn't cheat...what gives."--You see to me its always the wayward that thinks that "they have it" and us BS thats lost it.

I hope your marriage will get on track but you are in for a long/painful & bumpy ride. She is going to stay stuff that leaves you thinking "Where in the hell did that come from"

Man I am sorry!

I'm sorry not to have continued this for a couple of days. We are on vacation as a family, and we are both taking a little breather on this issue.

The pain is a little less now. I can actualy go for five to ten minutes without thinking about the train wreck. On a down note, my desire to save this relationship is declining. I think that that is just an anger phase, but we'll see.

From sunny Florida..

Coldlakes