<small>[ March 19, 2003, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: 952 ]</small>

The path to recovery after an affair is fairly narrow, and multiple affairs makes it harder to travel. The longer the affair went on, the longer between the affair and finding out, and the more lies that are told, all make it harder. Harley addresses these issues in some of the links you will find if you follow the link in my sig line. One thing he does not make completely clear on this site, as far as I know, is how to restore trust. I have heard him talk about it on his radio show, though. Obviously, this is a big issue for you right now, and you probably don't even believe it is possible. I can't tell you whether it is possible for you or not, but it is possible for some couples in your (or even worse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) situation. To find out if it is possible for you, you need to find out if you and your wife can follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) as defined by Harley. I know it sounds simplistic, but it really isn't. If you see her successfully taking your feelings into account in every decsion she make, per the POJA then you will learn, over time, to trust her again. There are a lot of things you will both have to learn to actually do that, things that are necessary to restore trust. Things like knowing her well enough to know WHY she did what she did. So it is simple, but not simplistic, and not easy. Don't jsut try to follow the POJA right after you read it. Harley's approach is reallya three-legged stool - Care, Protection, and POJA. Try to get a handle on all three before you start. Dlick on the link below and start learning.

There are some things that should help you find a better counselor in there, too.

952,

I am sorry that you are experiencing such great pain. Remember, you are not alone. You have friends here.

What do you want 952? Make your mind up and go for it. Regardless of what you decide there is a great chance that you will eventually find yourself trying to reconcile these past events for your own peace of mind. What do you have to lose by trying to keep your marriage in tact?

We both know that you will survive. Leaving your marriage or trying to repair your relationship are equally difficult paths. You can cope with whatever you choose to cope with.

Does your wife want to stay married?

Read all the books you can get your hands on, Surviving An Affair along with His Needs/Her Needs by Harley are two books that helped me alot. Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix is also very good.

Of course you do not believe a word your wife says. Don't expect to anytime soon. One day at a time my friend.

Keep hanging in there.

A very confusing situation.

Certainly, there are aspects to your marriage that make you sick to your stomach.

But, to bother posting, there must be some aspects that you are attracted to.

You indicated though, that you are having trouble with the abuse you have taken.

If there were kids, they would enter the equation, but they are all grown.

Sorry this isn't more insightful, but I think you need to balance these factors. Difficult to do when the situation is emotionally charged.

You did accommodate her in the past. Was it just for the kids?

Do you envision ever being able to trust her again? Perhaps she has had some psychological issues, and, if she gets therapy, will not act in the same way. If this is the case, make sure you are filled-in on the nature of her issues, and how she has come to terms with them. Maybe, then, you could trust her going forward.

But, you have been burned a lot. A hard situation for trust to return. If you can't trust her, but stay, then you are stuck in a "low-quality" marriage. Are you willing to compromise that much?

I would think that a lot of the answers you need will be supplied by your wife. If she really wants you, she will do what it takes to make you happy. If she doesn't go way out of her way to make amends, then maybe you are not a high-priority for her. In such a situation, can you really rule out her having more A's?

From What Are Plan A And Plan B?:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Letting your emotions dictate your course of action may make you regret this later on. For one thing, if your WW(wayward wife) has been a good wife in all other respects, you would be losing a lifelong companion who truly could change if she was committed to doing so with your help and that of a good therapist. This is not to say that you should stay married to her (although the fact that you are here asking for help IS indicative of your open mind to the idea of saving your marriage), but to give yourself enough time until your emotional storm has died down sufficiently for you to make balanced, reasonable and life altering decisions on the future of your marriage. In the meantime, I too suggest that you read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs', and everything here on this website.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: 952 ]</small>

You are not getting many responses, but bumped it, so I thought I would elaborate a little.

Some of this is a bit philosophical, sorry.

Much of the commentary here from the BS is that it is somehow their fault. That they did not meet some EN, so their partner strayed.

I don't really buy this. I would never cheat, and it has nothing to do with my spouse. I would not cheat because of my own standards of conduct.

If my S cheated, I would not even consider a revenge affair. I simply would not cheapen myself.

What am I getting at here? There are some similarities of cheaters. Unless they were caught before the act, they are conniving. They, at minimum, are disinterested in the hurt they might cause the BS (if they really cared, they would not risk thier S hurt).

Many BS really, really WANT to believe their S is a good person, DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY. Take a look at the "ending my affair" thread on Ivillage, where (mostly) women who's affairs are ending post. Do you think they (granted, some over-generalization here)wax over their spouse? Hardly! They regret the end of their affair, and having to hide the pain from their H.

I think that, particularly with a serial cheater, a proper read is some recognition that they have a serious flaw. A lack of maturation also a given as they have had many strikes and still haven't figured it out. Also, very emotionally shallow in that they could look you in the eye during their deceit.

I think, once children have left, that marriage is a choice. Is she providing you with an attractive relationship? Are you content with it? If not, does she care to make it right?