It has been almost a month that I first received the news that my husband of 16 years has been having an emotional affair with his co-worker. He told me because he was afraid of my reaction when the cell phone bill came. I reveiwed the phone records and found that my husband was having daily conversations with this woman when I was away from home on weekends (due to my daughters extra curricular activity) and when he took my son to hockey practice. These records revealed obsessive calls that lasted anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 1/2 hours over a period of one month. As the relationship developed the calls lengthened. He said that it started because he was worried about our relationship and she lent a sympathetic ear. He said that he wanted to remain with me and ended the contact. I called her because I was so distraught and wanted to find out what she had to say - my husband never keeps me on the phone for more than a few minutes. She said that she was not interested in my husband and he is the one that keeps calling her. She even invited me and my husband to get together to talk. I told my husband that i called her and he became quite upset. He said that he wanted to work it out between us. He called me at work the following Monday and asked me to call her to smooth things out. I thought this very unfair and selfish. I asked when I got home that night if he still wanted me to call her and he said that he already did. He said he wanted to find out what I said to her although I already told him. He said that he just apologized again for overstepping their friendship. I went absolutely insane that he would contact her again. He assured me that nothing further would happen since he was going part-time and would be seeing much less of her. About a week later, he revealed to me that he never loved me the way a husband should and that the reason he never gave me gifts was because he never really cared enough. I was destroyed but felt this over the years as I brought a lot of baggage into our marriage due to childhood abuse. He is very religious and I felt he would never betray me in this way. I have been very distant to him as I have seemed to be caught up in my own problems. He also told me that he wrote her a song. He said he started another one but didn't finish it. We talked and had almost decided to separate but the next day he said that he had an epiphany from God. He said that all this time he had nothing to build on but God told him to start over. I told him I wanted to start over but had a hard time knowing that he would continue to see this other woman at work. He said he didn't want to quit his job because it might send up flags at work and he didn't think he is up for starting a new job. He assured me he could handle it. He went to work the very next day and said everything was fine. We went out of town the following weekend and seemed to be doing great. I started to feel those nagging doubts and went through his wallet and backpack. I found the songs as well as her address. I asked him about the address and he said that he wrote her two letters. The first after I called her and the second after his epiphany. He said he also called her on that day to tell her about his epiphany because she would understand. He said the first part of the letter explained the hardship he was having getting over the loss of the friendship and the second part was written after the epiphany. That God had answered his prayer and that he saw me totally different than before. I was upset because he never told me but he didn't think it was a big deal. I however feel it is not demonstrative of starting over but hanging on to a double life. I called her again and told her what he said to me. She said that he was confused and didn't really love her, but loved me. She said that she didn't want to be hurt the way she had - her husband left her for his secretary. She said that if her friendship with my husband was hurting our marriage, that she sould no longer accept his calls and dismiss conversations of a personal matter. Please help me as I am struggling to have faith that he can handle this on his own when he will continue to see her at work.

He will need to end contact with her, completely, but you can certainly recover. Click on the link in my signature line for more info.

JohnH39,

Thank you for your reply. I agree that he should completely remove himself from her path. He thinks he can handle things on his own, but I am not so sure. I sent her my posting and an email from my perspective. She called me shortly afterward. She again assured me that this fantasy of his is one-sided. She said that it is real easy for her to stay away from him as they do not have that much direct contact at work. She said she doesn't understand what he is going through and that he keeps apoligizing for hurting her but she says that she is not hurt because she never let her self become involved with him as he is a married man. She said that she was just trying to be his friend and now realizes that by staying on the phone with him was wrong. She said that she felt the letters he wrote were his way of keeping his verbal contact with her. She said that she did not and does not plan to acknowledge the letters because when something is written, it is there forever and to reply in any way would encourage his fantasy. I told her that at one point he felt he couldn't be happy unless he was with her but she said that he is wrong and confused. She said that he loves me and said so many times during their conversations and again when he picked out my valentine gifts. He says he does not recall saying that to her. I apologized to her for involving her in our mess and she said that she doesn't care how many times she gets kicked, if in three month's we realize we can't live without each other, it would be worth it. Please give me some advice. I know I need to give it time but I feel I am just getting empty love. I am worried that all of the love and affection I am giving him is being wasted because of his current feelings for her and that he will just be disappointed that it's not working and think it's a sign that he should be with her instead of me. He did say that he was happy that she and I spoke and that it would make it easier for him, whatever that means. Thanks again for your reply -
I feel so alone.

I can totally sympathize, as well as empathize with you. The emotional rollercoaster is a rocky one; nothing I'd wish on any other woman. My first bit of advice to you is, trust your gut feelings. They have not failed me yet. I love my husband and probably always will, and yes..he said the very same things to me. I do not know if you have children involved, as I do, but I feel that my H's defection is more detrimental to my children than myself.

My husband has put me, for the last month and one half on the rollercoaster of "I want to work it out with you", "You gave me all the important things", etc., etc., yet I too, find voice mail messages from the woman who is supposedly had "broken" it off with. The feeling is so painful that it consumes you. I know, and still struggle everyday. I try to be strong for my children, but often find myself making several trips to the Ladies' Room (during the work day) to compose myself from a crying fit. I would have been celebrated my 13th Wedding Anniversary in June, but I know my husband for over 15 years...I was just a young woman of 19 when we met. We have two healthy, intelligent and loving children together, but he has forsaken them as well, for the love of this woman. My feelings are this, if he loves her that much, he must be with her. Your H's friend sounds as sneaky as Alma Warren, the woman that my husband has been lying with. She has him convinced that she is his best friend. In my book, best friends would encourage the person to do what is right; put the marriage back on track. Friends do NOT, under any circumstance, come between husband and wife. Your h's so called friend, knows what she is doing, and is playing you for a fool.

Please, do not allow your husband or his so-called friend to do this to you. It is not only degrading, but humiliating.

I do not mean to sound selfish however, I would not trust OW. I too listened to voicemail message of H and found out about OW right in beginning of affair. I spoke with her and she assured me she would back off and that nothing happen. H said same thing and was fulfilling all the H duties at home. To make a long story short a year in a half later OW has H first child need I say more!

Thanks for the responses. I guess I'd hoped they would have been a little more positive. Maybe I am just too inexperienced with this situation.

I was fully prepared not to believe the OW - my husband told me all along that it is all him, that she was just trying to be a friend. She keeps confirming this and says the same thing was done to her, except her husband took his secretary to bed. She told me about all the crazy things she said and did during that time. She and my husband kind of gave me the impression that it is a good thing she felt the way she did or it might have gone further than phone conversations. Maybe I am just being naive. My husband says that I am trying to make his attachment to her more than it really is. I think he is just in denial. He doesn't want to read any of the material from this site or the books. His infatuation for her seems to have clouded any loving moments we had over the last 18 years. I showed him the reponses to my post and he felt that they were typical reactions of women scorned.

He goes back to work tomorrow and that makes me uneasy. He said he knows what needs to be done although he doesn't think his dependency is so bad that he should have to quit his job. Eitber way, I told him he has to be honest with me. Illusions about his feelings for me are destructive and hurtful.