I've been plan A'ing now for round a month and have been worried and wondering about some things. I am doing my best to show my wife that I love her and I will do anything in the world for her and doing my absolute best to avoid any love busters, but my problem is that I am having is I don't see any remorse or sorryness from my wife for the affair she had with OM and even though she spends all of her time with me I still suspect that she is still in contact with OM. It appears on the surface that everything is going great but deep inside I feel things are still not right. I am putting 110% into this marriage and I am trying to be the greatest husband my wife could ever have but I get the feeling that she'd rather go the route that I am forgiving but she is leaving out that I can't forget.

I am worried long term that because together we are not really touching on the issues of what she did and this affair she had, we seem to be going on with life as if nothing happened. That worries me cause that makes me think that she feels like it's no big deal if she does this again or if she even continues on with OM. I am not even allowed to bring him up - if I do that turns into a major love buster on my part. What do I do? Have any of you guys faced the same problem such as this?

I love my wife more than anything in the world and she is my best friend. I can't imagine life without her and I want to work this out with her so badly. Anything you guys could comment on would be a great help to me. One more thing - we started with MC last week but it was only the intro "meet and greet" session.

Thanks.

Promise --

Sometimes I think that we're far too cautious about the potential "dreaded LB's" in our lives. Walking on eggshells is far more stressful and damaging to a relationship and to the individuals in the long run.

Anger isn't always a bad thing. Clearing the air and getting things out and on the table is a necessary component of a healthy marriage. Ask yourself why structural problem issues (i.e., your W's A) in your relationship should not be addressed and remedied? Pretending that elephant isn't under your rug is simply not wise.

Problems ignored are problems returning. You have to talk together. Meaningful communication here is vital to you both. The very fact that "deep inside I feel things are still not right" is enough reason to have a heart-to-heart. Have you told her exactly what you written here? Has she heard you?

So glad you two are in MC. First and second sessions often are frustrating since we want "action" immediately, but the get-acquainted business is important overall. Let's see what happens now. Once a week meetings? You'll learn a lot about W's commitment very soon.

Significant, sincere contrition and remorse on W's part are key ingredients to your healing and to the solid recovery of your marriage. If she's not showing or giving you those elements, you've got a long and very rocky path ahead. She needs to--has to--provide them to you along with any information or details that you want or need.

If she's still in contact with OM, the odds strongly are she isn't able or inclined to give you and your relationship what it MUST have to recover. Only after NC can stability begin to return and be felt and have meaning. Has she agreed to NC, written a NC letter, told you that she's done with him? Trust your gut here; if you suspect, it's probably for a good reason.

"Forgiving" too early in the process is virtually meaningless for both of you. Your W must EARN that forgiveness and over a substantial period of time. I suspect that you two really aren't anywhere near that point, especially since you're not seeing or getting the very pieces from W that would bring about meaningful forgiveness on your part.

Don't worry so much about LB's; be concerned more with the current state of the A and of your relationship. Maybe she needs to hear how hurt and frustrated you are. We wish you well. Keep us posted; we're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon - thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Yes I have told her all my feelings and it seem when I am honest with her she gets angry and upset with me. It seems that if the smallest thing goes wrong she proclaims that she is divorcing me.

It seems so easy to just quit right now and throw in the towel. But I love her so much and want to work the issues out. I know why she had the A and what my downfalls and shortcomings were that led to it but I still find that as no excuse to her having the A but I do know what I need to do in the future.

thanks again for your response

Promise,
Are you going to MCing? My guess is that you aren't. Most MC's don't let one spouse make D threats. Also if you shared your situation with a MC acting as mediator. Your W would have a difficult time with.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes I have told her all my feelings and it seem when I am honest with her she gets angry and upset with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The MC would ask both of you to dicuss feelings and responses. You'd then find out the reason for her anger. She's probably in the "let's move on already" stage.

Promise --

Sometimes you have to do things "just for you" and getting your feelings out to W, even if she doesn't want to hear them--"she gets angry and upset with me"--is very important for both of you. Part of her anger is guilt, pure and simple, and part is her inability to handle these discussions in a productive way.

Yes, it may seem "so easy to just quit right now and throw in the towel," but that's exactly what you CAN'T do. This is probably the most difficult thing you've ever had to deal with, with the very foundation and stability of your life ripped up and hung out to dry. Your marriage needs you, your W needs you--although she may not believe that. How you handle this devastating crisis will go a long way in determining whether or not either of you will gain anything from it. Don't waste your pain.

"I know why she had the A and what my downfalls and shortcomings were that led to it" -- it's vital that both partners understand that while the A was the poor choice of one, there was something in the climate of your relationship that led your W to think that this direction for her was the "right" way to go. You didn't cause the A but it's healthy for both to analyze what went wrong. You're right: discontent is no excuse, ever.

Where do you go from here? You've been in Plan A for a month, you're in the early stages of MC with W, she still won't talk about the A, you're still not sure whether or not it's on-going. Still many major issues to process. I think you need to find out what's going on. If she's still in the A, you're just spinning wheels for now.

So you've got to push some buttons for you. She needs to know that there are consequences to her actions and choices. Lay it all out, what you want and need from her and from your marriage, what the results of continued contact with OM will be. Be clear in your mind what you want out of this, tell her, and be certain that she hears you.

Keep us in the loop, Promise; we're here for you...

Ammon