Separated over 5 months, my husband has decided that he wants to "work it out". However, in spite of his tears, and protestations of wanting to give it a try, I was uneasy. I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and had to follow my gut instinct. Checking his voice mailbox (sorry, I know it is low), there was a very cheerful message from his girlfriend stating that she knows that he needs a few days, but she'll talk to him on Friday upon his return from a business trip. Not 8 hours before, he is calling me telling me that our progress this week will be positive and things will be okay. I was devastated to hear this message. I confronted him about it and learned more than I care to admit. He believes he is in "lust" with his girlfriend, but "loves" me (as I gave him the important things in life). However, he is deeply involved in this situation and he has to get out. With that, I told him that I would be mature and let him go; however, my life will go on. He immediately began the kick of "who wants you??!!" I believe that he wants his cake and eat it too. My husband was the most honest husband, father and partner. This woman, who is only half of the equation in this family breakup, has been maligning my character. My husband even agrees, stating that she took things that I had said and twisted them so my husband would be very angry at me! Yet, he cannot give her up. I am going on, but I am gutted by his defection and that his wife and his children are given second-hand treatment, while his mistress is given all of the credence and respect. How do I overcome this? I have berated myself over this, but now know it is not my fault; however, I still cry every night for everything that has been lost: our partnership, our friendship, my family, our home and our friends. It is terrible.

Any advice to make the tears stop would be so helpful to me...please respond.

Karena --

You are welcome here with us at MB. I'm very sorry that you've had to join us but glad that you've found this place of refuge and perspective. We'll help you all we can.

What you're going through is indeed terrible, devastating, violently painful. Tear-stopping advice? Reading and posting here frequently has been known to do wonders. Also, reading everything on this site from the Welcomes to the posts will help you, certainly let you know that you're not alone, that many of us have been right where you are, and in many cases continue along this pot-holed road along with you. In addition, time and your own patience will improve your outlook and stability. Give yourself room to be human here; you've suffered a massive wound, damaging physically as well as emotionally. It does get better...guaranteed!

Around here, checking voice mail is considered "Basic Operational Research" and not viewed as low at all, but in fact very necessary for self-preservation.

"he cannot give her up" -- but of course he must. If you two are going to stabilize and right this ship, he has to, willingly, voluntarily, forever. Sounds like he's not "there" yet, not ready to stop cake-eating. Not much chance for real progress until H "decides" which way to go--he cannot have both you and OW.

But you don't want to stand idly by in the wings, awaiting your cue. Read about the MB "Plan A" here and put it to work for you. It's really a solid win-win plan and one that allows you growth and momentum, no matter what H decides. And he needs to decide, and soon.

I'm glad you realize that his A was his choice, that you didn't make him or force him to choose this weak and horrendous path. Most of us immediately begin blaming ourselves, especially since the WS points the finger at us for "causing" the A, and we want to "make it right" as quickly as possible. But it's not about us at all...

You have to hang in there and be strong for you, for your children, for H too (even though he doesn't deserve it right now). You are the most important advocate for your marriage and for the stability of your family. Post here anytime to ask, vent, rant, cry, whatever you need. We're here for you...

Ammon

Hi Karena- I don't even want to go back to those feelings that you are having and that I have tried to get past but I will for a minute! First of all-never give up on that gut instinct- and it is NOT low to check what you can to see if you are being told the truth or lied to again- its a necessary evil and your WH will have to accept that-he landed you in the no-trust zone and will reap what he sowed. After 5 months what sort of boundaries do you have for yourself-I know you have some- you say you are gutted but going on anyway- snooping or whatever you want to call it is just part of the deal-a hard one for both of you to swallow-does he know its just as hard for you to snoop as for him to be snooped upon?? It took me a LONG time to get my FWH out of the fog to see ANY of these things-that my asking the questions was at least as hard as it was for him to answer. When a "new lie" hit me hard and square I called my doc and got some anti-d's-they kept me rational in a crazy desperate place. For us this recovery has been what I think is typical process- take care of my sanity-and be nice to the cake eater-complete silence is a deal killer but constant A chat is too- hard to find the balance- don't give up! I learned to walk away- find a solitary space and write-read-watch tv-whatever got me thru and kept me from SCREAMING! I've learned you can't teach those who think they have nothing to learn so my own therapy was slowly brought into conversation- can't shove it down their throats much as you'd like to. I couldn't physically seperate myself from my home and H chose to stay and be M. I did get to a point recently where I asked him straight out-did you ever consider that you might lose me thru MY choice? do you want me back? do you want to figure out how to get me back so we can get US back? I was feeling very very taken for granted- like he was doing me a favor by staying- like it was ALL up to him. I did initially tell him on dday- stay or go- your choice- I will not make your choice as you seem to be on the road of making choices for everyone already- and without giving us much thought. His instant backed into a corner answer was-I'm leaving. I said ok- I'll go tell the kids (who are pretty grown up)an hour later he had changed his mind- but the repercussions of his original idea had already hit by then-the kids walked right out the door when he walked in. That was a major wake up call- the first of many-a glimpse of just what he had to lose?? I am so weary from crying- can't believe its me doing all this crying. The anti-d's do help control that crying thing to some extent too-don't dismiss the idea too quickly. Plan A or B-how about some of both-? take care of you and let him see with NO contact from you just what he is giving up- its all so twisted but it does work- WS should be begging forgiveness and yet they do not- takes awhile to come out of the fog-patience times a zillion and then some- I will be praying for you-sometimes I cry and let it happen-other times I slap myself upright and get busy doing something to take my mind away from it-writing really helps me get a grip- I answer alot of my own questions thru that format-and I can go back and see what has transpired-what worked- etc...stay well-PEACE be yours.

I'm sorry, the tears are not optional right now. There are few things in life that hurt more.

Let me say that your husband's comments are right out of the WS's handbook - they almost ALL say the same things. There are posts on the board about "What WS's say". I should have bookmarked one, because then I could prove it to you. It is not your fault.

There are few people on the planet that know more about "how to overcome this" than Willard Harley. Click on the link in my sig line for how to use the tools here (plus a few more) to do that.

I want to thank those who replied. Your advice is so appreciated. I had a better night last night, and look forward to an even better day today.

I guess the most damaging aspects of H betrayal is that he continues to say that he wants to work it out, but is somewhat "addicted" to this woman. Everyone sees her for the evilness that surrounds here, except him. I haven't heard from him in two days (which is fine with me), however, he doesn't even call his children. He has admitted to putting his children aside for his girlfriend...what kind of man did I marry.

The damage is there..will it ever go away? He chose her over me...how could he? I gave him everything, which clearly was a mistake. How could he not see that the path she leads him down is only destruction; yet I am the bad guy? Will he ever see me for the real person that I was. Not that I want him to out of pity, but I want him to see it out of regret for what he has done.

Hi Karena- Glad to hear you got thru the night! oh I don't think any of us ever figure out just WHY the one who pledged vows has an A-"how could they" is the eternal question. All the reasons and excuses- they don't give the answer- they just make the intolerable easier to live with-eventually part of you just accepts it (hopefully)so you can continue to live and function. Even the WS's that do "stay" or "come back" bring the same issues with them- we don't stop asking the same questions of ourselves- like "how could you choose them over me?" The standard answer from a WS remains I was just.....lost/lonely/mad/confused/unwanted..the list goes on-what they WEREN'T: willing to fight and scratch their way to a better place in the M. My H complained about a few things-who doesn't? he should have been yelling FIRE and said out loud I am going to have an A.....fat chance of that ever happening so they do what they do- in a trance? Your feeling of wanting to feel worthy in your H eyes is perfectly natural- you never even questioned that he knew/felt your worth and now you question your own worth. Its easy for us to say to you- you are worthy-take care of yourself-etc...but I know you already know that- now you just have to convince yourself-its hard to pull yourself out of the natural pity-why me-this isn't fair place; but you can do it-you are not alone- keep reading and learning- post a rant or a vent-questions and answers. Someday I truly believe- whether your WH returns to you and your kids or not-he WILL see what hes done/given up-he may never get/take the chance to tell you, but you cannot be erased-despite how it looks at the moment. I hope for you that he comes back and comes to his senses before its too late-right now he might be thinking its all about him-but when he sees you have pulled your act together he'll learn it isn't all about him! Its difficult to not harden your heart and to want to bash him- so many negative feelings assault us at once-even while LOVE is causing all this! but the time does go by and if you are determined to recognize that your self-worth is NOT dependent on any one person- you'll be better prepared to make solid decisions about fixing your M if you get the chance or to move ahead with your children to a new life. Your H says he wants to work it out...that is a good sign- my H sat around quiet and crabby for awhile-getting over himself is what I call it and it was SO hard for me to not pester him...but he had made his decision to stay and had to come to grips with what he'd done- given up and how much grief was involved in working it all out- his ego was really puffed up during the A and getting real and humble was a hard thing to swallow. I learned to do what I had to do-housework-kids-whatever-GET THRU THE DAY and also to walk away to a place of my own while he sorted thru it for himself-eventually I could talk to him and he eventually started talking back instead of saying fog bound things like "leave me alone-just get over it" It does seem that the BS is doing all the hard work and the suffering!...but eventually it does turn around-- the the WS starts working with you instead of what seems against you and your M. There are just no easy magic words-patience and time -and lots of prayer. You may find more seasoned advice on the "recovery" board about moving on......altho "just found out" is where you will share the new pain. Bottomline- don't give up on your gut or your guy.

Karena --

You're the bad guy only if you choose to be; his ideas and statements to you are not reality, but only his pathetic and tattered fantasy world. You don't need to--and shouldn't--accept H's rewriting of your history together. You KNOW how things were and are; don't be dissuaded from the truth and don't buy into that nonsense!

Realize that for the present he isn't capable (his choice however) of sane, rational, compassionate thought and deed. The addiction in an A is akin to a mental illness; the difference being that the WS has CHOSEN to become ill! Not at excuse by any means, but perhaps an explanation of how things are getting turned upside-down. Once The Fog is in, a WS is dead meat in the smart-thinking department.

H may SAY he wants to work it out--a good thing--but now he's got to walk the walk. Words are merely that; they must be translated into action and behavioral change. Talk is cheap and easy. NC with OW is mandatory; no chance of getting your marriage back on track until he breaks it off = bottom line.

"What kind of man did I marry" -- a foolish and weak one, at least with this A, but know that what you have known him to be can return along with stability and improvement in your relationship. But he's got to want to first and then he's got to make it happen.

"Will it ever go away" -- yes, with time and patience, your healing is assured. How quickly and how solidly cannot however be left solely up to him. You have to take steps for you and for your family, so that no matter the timetable or the outcome, you and children emerge intact and together.

"He chose her over me...how could he" -- He allowed his head to be turned toward OW and away from you. That doesn't mean that he's completely lost sight of you, just that for now you're in his peripheral vision and not the center of his focus. Again, not necessarily permanent but immensely upsetting and devistating nonetheless.

"How could he not see that the path she leads him down is only destruction" -- he's been blinded by her; clear vision and the ramifications of his A are not issues for him at this point. You can't see around the corner though; you don't know how this is going to play out.

Most A's die of their own weight on their own, others because one of the affairees breaks it off. Much to read on this subject right here on this site. You need a plan of action and that MB "Plan A" that I suggested before is a solid and smart way to go. It gives you a positive and healthy direction at a time when the road ahead seems uncertain.

Hang in, Karena, and remember that we're here for you...

Ammon