Had a great day yesterday. Been that way for about a week. Eight weeks since D day. Recovery going very well. Some setbacks, but able to get through them together. We are falllng in love again. We try to discuss everything (my suggestion). Of all needs I believe my most important need is for my wife to be open and honest with me. Last night we began discussing this issue and before we knew it we were arguing about how her affair began. I guess I got to wondering about it from one of the posts I read yesterday that asked about "How was it the first time with OP?" One question led to another and before we knew it she for the first time told me that after a long conversation with him on their second meeting (first about 5 minutes and second about two hours) they went to dinner (about 1.5 hours) and then for a walk on the beach (about one hour) at which he simply grabbed her and passionately kissed her (she says I hadn't kissed her that way in 24 years). After the walk on the beach they went to a motel and .............. (for about two hours) then they went their separate ways. I know I shouldn't keep bring up the past, but as I tell her the visions I have of them together are most likely more passionate than they actually were or at least what they did share couldn't be worse than my thoughts of them. Why do I put her through this? I think she actually regressed back to D day. Our mistake in all of this was not settling the issue before we fell asleep. We withdrew from each other or at least I did and fell asleep. It is better this morning, but not as good as it was yesterday morning. I don't want to emotionally abuse her, but I think that is exactly what I am doing. She feels guilty enough for what she did without me pouring fuel on the fire. We do love each other and somehow will get through this. It is like so many of you have stated a hard row to hoe.

CRC,<P>Just a few things to remember from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If the feeling of remorse is not actually felt by a (wayward) spouse, it is not recommended to have a reluctant apology (page 84 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... The Four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>As far as the "The Rule of Protection" goes... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When anger wins, love loses. (page 92 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As you are in recovery... have you checked out the questionnaires on this site yet...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A>...and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>? They can help on both fronts!<P>Good luck...<BR>Remember... No <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<BR>

CRC-But the point of the whole thing is that you talked about a difficult subject. You need to talk things out, you can't bury the anger and still expect to forgive her for the betrayal. I know......<BR>I would suggest sitting down and talking to her, maybe she needs to realize the pain and anger that your carrying around without lovebusting and believe me, this can be done. Honesty is what you both need right now, from each other, so you need to be as honest as you can in regards to your emotions as well.<BR>I know that the thoughts can be overwhelming sometimes. It's kinda like a movie in your head where you see them together and imagine what happened. I know this is hard but you need to stop that movie. Move on, she is still with you and every time you start thinking about them together remind yourself that this is unproductive thinking and that she is still with you......she choose you.God Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>