I don't know what to do. Everyone is saying do nothing - calm down. I can't calm down. I have a final in 2 hours. I keep thinking of things I want to say to H. I want him to know that I KNOW. I know that he lives with her. I know her name. I know she is married/separated. I know that his friend or ex-friend told me that she can't hold a candle to me (okay, I want to rub it in). I had a dream last night that I went to 'their' apt. and he came home and when she wasn't around he was hugging me and dancing with me. I love H and I am so worried about him. H has shut out all of his friends and family. Only a few know about his affair, and not because he talks about it. A friend told me today that H's friends said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him - which is probably why he won't talk to them. Why can't he see what he is doing it WRONG???? Why can't I make him see? I have to do something. I'm losing him. Help.

I know it hurts, but you can't DO anything. What he's doing/done is just like what we've all seen happen, too. You're at a bit of a disadvantage b/c you're so far away, but sometimes it doesn't make a difference. When my H left I didn't know WHERE he was and didn't hear from him in weeks.<P>The hardest lesson in all of this to learn is patience and we all struggle with it from time to time (time to time meaning moment to moment!) It takes time. He must come to realize things on his own. He must figure this out. You can wait and take control of the only thing you have control over and that is YOU.<P>And I do know that these words don't ease the pain. I really do. But it's true. If you want to do something, write him. No lovebusters, no begging, just write him to let him know you're thinking of him. Send a card. Do as well as you can on your finals and give yourself an occasional treat.<P>I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's a long hard road to travel, but you can make it. I promise you will. And only time will give him the opportunity to come out of his fantasyland. Because that's what it is and eventually, they realize it.<P>Hang in there. We're here for you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Studentwife}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

I am so sorry for you. Take a deep breath and don't do anything you can't take back. Think about what you will gain by confronting h? I think you can lose a whole lot more right now. Get the book "When One of You Wants to Keep the Two of you Together" by Susan Page. You will find out that being right is only the booby prize and you get nothing else out of it, just to be right. How will your h react if you go and attack him with your new found knowledge? I'm pretty sure that he won't fall at your feet asking for your forgivness. He will just get more stubborn. If you can't continue to be kind and loving in Plan A, get some advice about going to Plan B. Good luck on your final. I know how hard it is to take a final on a good day let alone when you have all of this stress.

{{{{{{{{{{<B>studentwife</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I understand how hard this is for you...<BR>I feel for you too...<P>You, along with most of us betrayed, have entered into the world of an addicted spouse... A hard... bitter... cruel... place to be. <P>Vent here all you want!<P>The reason <B>you</B> can't make him see is that... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs are based on fantasy and wishful thinking. (page 79 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and more importantly... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... and you're seeing the results of that addiction... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>To say you're losing him...isn't quite right... <B>He is trying to lose you</B>... <P>Are you doing a solid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... It is your best hope (short or long term) to keep him closer to you... and not push him away to the OW!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Student wife, how terrible for you, I just had my last final yesterday and I know that the devestation that comes with an affair on top of the pressure of finals drives you to distraction!<BR>BREATH, REAL DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS!<BR>Now, think, if there isn't anything you can do about this then, as hard as it is, you have to put it on the back burner. It's really difficult but try to only think about the subject on the test, put this thing somewhere deep inside and don't let it out until you are through. Think about anything else but this! You will do fine, I am praying for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Student,<P>Listen to Lori, Derby & Jim. They have said it all. I can't say it any better. We all know what you're feeling.

Studentwife<P> Just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you during your final, I went though the same thing the past two days so I know how hard it is to study with your mind cluttered. Just take a deep breath and do the best you can.<P> Love faythe

I'm in a rush today with moving somethings out to take to my parents and trying to think about my final. I sent an e-mail. Lately he has been pushing his friends and family away. I just let him know that they will love him no matter what he does in his life. Hope that was okay. I'll probably write a better letter and send when I get to my parents tonight. I don't want to bombard him with myself, but I feel so desperate like I have to SHOWER him with my love. I guess I have to realize that won't help either? She loves him and that is all that matters to him right now. I feel like I am trying to run to the top of Mt. Evrest, and I'm running as fast as I can, but I'm not moving. Thanks for letting me vent and really BEING my patience right now. Does anyone ever feel like their life should be on Jerry Springer???<P>By the way, my final is in Heat Transfer - which for some reason always makes me think of 'other' things involving heat transer <p>[This message has been edited by studentwife (edited December 16, 1999).]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{studentwife}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I think you are probably writing your final now. But I wanted you to know that I was praying for you to keep focused. <BR>Patience is very hard. I am a testament to that. I have driven myself to distraction wanting hy H to decide NOW. Be as loving as you can right now(from afar) but don't force it on him. Plan A is vey hard when the other person doesn't even seem to notice what you are doing but it does have an affect. Just read lostva's last post(update H and MIL). She has been doing plan A and at times it seemed fruitless but now her H really seems to be coming around.<BR>Anyway, keep loving him and showing that love however you can. He will notice even if he doesn't say anything.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Yeah, I thought we belonged on Springer- LOL- I think we all have felt that way.<BR>To repeat- YOU CAN DO NOTHING EXCEPT TAKE CARE OF YOU. He is unwilling, and it sucks so bad, dont it? i know, we know, ..jesus i wish there was something i could take to get it over with. may i suggest you curl up with a good book- although yoiu are probably tired of reading during finals- lok up NSR's thread on books..books..books.<BR>lots of interesting , good stuff.<BR>and take care, eat, sleep, excersize.<BR>i may not be following protocol here, but i good drunk helped me escape the pain for a bit. besides you just got done with another semester.<BR>take it with a grain of salt.<BR>share the pain, it helps and we are here.

I feel what you are feeling. I would like so much to "fix" my H, but unitl they wake up, realize what they are doing, it will be impossible. We cannot make the choices for them. We cannot make them see what their behavior is doing to all. Patience and taking care of yourself is all you can do. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Final went well. Just thought I would let everyone know. So now I'm done. I had to drive to my parent's house, very long drive for someone in my state of mind. I would go from staring at the road to crying my eyes out (don't worry, I pulled over during those times - don't want to cause anyone else pain). I got SAA in the mail today, so I've started reading it. It really makes a lot of sense. I just worry that H WON'T pull himself out of this affair. He sounds a lot like 'Sue'. I've been debating on whether or not to go talk to MIL. I don't think she has ANY idea about what is going on. He (we) usually spends his break from school with parents - but this year he is only coming 'home' for 4 days. I can't stand the thought of him spending the 'new year' with OW. Any thoughts? Tell MIL?

It is long hard road ahead of you but there are many along the way to help you as we help each other. SOmetimes I think just letting them alone for awhile helps I don't know no proof in that theory. My h has pushed his family and friends away. He wlaked out the end of July, but he fianlly contacted his parents and our s and D around Thanksgiving. I have sent a few cards and note telling him I cared and loved him. NOthing much else still just recently. He now wants to met my S and I at the doctor's appointment. I don't even know what to think. <P>But I do know that after I found out about the affair I felt like he would leave, I just didn't see that he would be able to work on our marriage. He couldn't let go of the OW. I tried for awhile but in my heart I knew he would have to leave. The outcome I am not sure of but I just knew unless he left I would never really have him again. I am hoping this is all the step in the right direction. I tell you all of this so maybe it will help you to know where I am coming from, You have to be very careful now. He is still in the fantasy and anything you do at this point he will see as a threat to him. I think backing off and giving him time helps. Say you should send a card or a note ever once in awhile to just let him know you are still around and still love him. But after reading all the post I really feel that nothing we do will help until a certain amount of time has gone by. Each person is different(yes sometimes nothing will bring them back) in the amount of time it take until they are receptive to us. <P>I know waiting is so hard to do and most have very little patience. We want all this pain to be over and our lives back to normal. BUt the reality of this situation is that it will not be over overnight. And that is a difficult lesson to learn. So step back and don't push. As far as telling your MIL you know her, how will she take it, is she a supporter of you. If you feel like she will support you and will know that what H is doing is wrong then maybe you should tell her what is going on. If you think whe will be no support then I would let H tell her. I would have told my in laws but H beat me to it but they were the first people I called when he left.( They also came and stayed with me for a few days)<P>I am so glad you have finsihed your finals hope they went all right. Lots of Hugs and prayers<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I would not lie or cover for your husband to your inlaws. I did contact my inlaws to let them know that during my short lived botched plan b attempt that I would not be contacting them either. I felt it was important for my wife to realize that her affair did not just affect her and me, but that her family would also be impacted. I felt I owed my mother and father in law an explanation for what was going on. <P>Good luck and do what you need to do, but don't do it as way to try to get them to influence your husband. It won't work. Only he can change himself, not you or his parents.

Well, I told the in laws. They took it pretty hard. They had NO idea what was wrong. They were supportive of me and hugged me. They let me know that they wouldn't get in the middle, but they were glad that I told them. They also said for me not to let the influence of others decide what I was going to do - only I could decide that. They realized that it was very hard for me to tell them. They were very upset with H, but are not going to call - just wait for him to come home for X-mas visit. We'll see what happens. I fear that they will push him to get the divorce . Thanks for keeping up with my story. Your advice means a great deal to me, especially since we are all in -near and around the same place.

studentwife,<BR> Just so you know just how "common" the things your H is doing are:<BR> My W has,<BR> <BR> NOT gone to our daugher's wedding AND went to OM's son's wedding<P> Had a fight and walked out FOREVER on her BEST friend.<BR> <BR> Had a fight and walked out FOREVER on her secomd best friend.<BR> <P> Hardly called her Mother while her Father was dying.<BR> <P> Didn't go to Mother's for thanksgiving (TWO DAYS AFTER F was buried!!!!) for the first time i n20 YEARS!! Went to OM's son's inlaw's instead.<BR> <P> Cut off ALL contact with Church.<P> And that ALL happened in THREE MONTHS!!! <P> I could go on. THEY ARE JUST CRAZY DURING THIS STUFF!!! <P> OH, Thinks she is "Allright with GOD TOO!!!!!! Hang in there FRANK<P> <BR> <P> <P><BR> <P><BR>

Frank,<P>I called OW's H and found out that she's been having problems with her family and hasn't had much to do with them since the affair started. H's parents said that he came to see them last weekend and said nothing about what was going on, except that he left me. I want to hold on so much, but I'm afraid that H's parents will tell him he needs to get D after what he has done. I told MIL that I didn't want Divorce and she said "how could you not after all this?". I wanted to say " I love your son", but I just sat there and tried not to cry. What else can I do? I should focus on me, but I miss H and wish that he would WAKE UP!! I love him, why can't he see that?? Since OW's H filed for Divorce, H will see how EASY it can be - and think it is the answer. I'm down right now, but I don't think H will come back. What now?? I love him. How can I fight for him if he doesn't want me??