SS, yes, I got a big grin and a little chuckle.

Scared - a little, something I will conquer.

Hurting - sometimes, as usual, I get through it and pull myself back together.

Trying to focus on getting employment so I can gain some financial freedom. I have the one job offer, they just have to verify references and background check. Then there is todays interview.

Thinking, evaluating, wondering, what do I want?

Lately WS, has been really nice to me. The big question is WHY? Is it because he loves me? or does he want something? His pattern has always been he wants something.

The local radio show here will be having their annual trip to Vegas soon. H and OW went last year. Is H trying to find a way to go again this year? I don't know. I've been trying to find out. So far, he says no.

I know I should be considering, planning confronting and Plan B. I don't know if I want Plan B. I don't know how much love I have left for him. I think there is some. Is there enough to attempt a recovery? If he leaves, will there be any left to recover if he comes back. I don't know. I won't know until the time comes to act. It is getting closer. That I know.

Sometimes, I wonder, what would my life be like if I went it alone as a single mother. Besides lots of work. I know there is nothing easy about single motherhood. I did it for two years, my sister has been doing it for 14 years. I've watched her struggle, helped her when I could.

So many things to think about.

The job I interviwed for today, would be a big increase in pay from what I make right now.

PS

The one I interviewed with today, it felt right. I cannot explain it. I felt like I was saying all the right stuff.

He is interviewing one other person, so I should get an answer soon.

Sue
If this job feels right to you I pray that you get it.

I wonder sometimes really how different your life would be as a single mother.As I read your post and get to know you more it seems you are playing the single parent role to a point already.

I know that you are smart and know what is best for you and your children,with that said I just want you to know that I am here as a friend to help you through the tuff times.

Good luck w/the new job,if it is meant for you its already your job no matter how many others apply.

Take care my friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sue,
She hit it right on the head- right now you *have* been living like a single mom. Your husband hasn't been bringing in much income anyway and emotionally he isn't stable and still in major selfish mode. He places you in a maternal role and you do tend to fall into it (sorry, but I've seen it a few times in your posts).

I am praying so hard that you get a job where you feel secure enough to finally FINALLY confront. I really think Harley would flip if he knew how long you have been dealing with this.

Sue, it needs to happen soon. I see your spirit dwindling, even in the face of your success. You can't let yourself continue in this way. We are all hurting for you seeing the pain you are in.

Sue,
you can always look at the bright side.

One way to do that is to get a mirror and hold it up in front of you. Look at that gal in the mirror. You are used to seeing her bad side, but look at her good side. She has turned her life around with little help from her H. She is hard working, kind and loving to her children and even her H. After all he has done, she is still kind to him and does things for him.

There is a very bright side to the Sue I know. I hope she sees it too.

SS

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Sue,

Smart and sassy?

Or tired and hurt?

Where are you now?

SS

The job I wanted I did not get. Bummer.

There is still the Nursing Home job.

Where am I, about in the same place. Mostly, scared.

Scared he will not want to make the marriage work. Scared he does want to make it work and I don't.

Scared to trust him again, or to even try. Right now, I know what to expect, do i really want to continue like this? - No.

I know I can do it alone, do I want to - No

Mostly, I think and ask myself what I want, what I want out of my marriage, what do I want for me, my kids.

Right now, I spend alot of time thinking. This is how I usually come to conclusions and find the strenght to follow through. I need time to think, and think some more until I am confident I am making the correct decision.

Sue

You will make the right decission I know.
You need to be happy,you have not been for a long time.
Its time for Sue to be happy again.

Hi Sue,
sorry about the job. If you would ever consider relocation, check this out.

Thanks for your comments. I kind of recognize that by avoiding new things I consider too risky I might be stuck with tools that don't work.

I don't think you say things in a disrespectful way, maybe a plan A expert can explain it better. You are supposed to be honest. That includes your feelings too.
As I understand it's the way and timing you choose do share those that distinguish honesty from DJ.
My timing I guess is never right. The "way" got better - I am no longer an emotional wreck, but I still can't stop the tears from dripping, even if my voice remains calm.
I wish you the best. Now and for the future. I am very sorry that your H is playing your kids against you. For them this is an entertaining and tempting game, that usually brings short term benefits. I actually tried to talk to my D about it - that I believe that being a stricter parent does not mean I am the less loving one. On several occassions I noticed that they do realize that, yet they still try to reap any benefits from our disagreements immediately. But with the passing time they are kinder and nicer to me, and we have better communication now than ever.
Till later, FBOW

FBOW,

Thanks for the link. On and off, I consider relocating

Hi all,

I'm lurking, feeling under the weather.

My "Bundles of Joy" brought home a wonderful virus, as usual, mom is the last to catch it.

I am getting very frustrated with the job search lately. I've had three interviews so far, with no results.

I think I have a part time job in a LTC facility, even with my FT job, it will not bring in enough for me to have some financial independence.

One place called. They received my application, they will keep it in the "active" file, they usually hire RN's with a 4 year degree and a 3.0 average. I have a 2 year degree with a 2.63 average. (I think that is pretty decent considering I was working FT, dealing with infidelity and I started out with a 1.95 GPA (don't laugh, my early years at college were mostly spent in the bar, (what, I was supposed to open a book and study back then?) when I returned to college 3 years ago, I was placed on probation because of my GPA.)

Anyway, It is very frustrating. Two years ago, new grads had to pick from job opportunities, now we are lucky to get an interview. Soon the December grads will be trying for these openings too.

So, I decided I have to take the LTC position, even if it means weekends. At least I can get some experience so in few months I will no longer have to try for new grad position and I can now try for other positions available out there.

Sue,

I can hardly imagine you on probation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

How about we all think real positive and say a little prayer just for you. That the right job will come to you soon, so that you can begin to make the decisions that you have been putting off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care my friend

Ginger, you can stay 42 forever if you want my friend, or if you want, you can subtract 10 years off, I won't tell.

LOL
Until I get picked for the extreme make over show I guess I'll stay 42.After that I will take off the ten years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Saturday, WH surprised me, asked if we could get a babysitter, and we would go out for dinner and a movie. Well, while having the dinner, we decided to rent a couple of videos instead of going to a movie, we both were getting tired.

While at the video store, and we are looking through the selections, H commented he saw "Legally Blonde 2". Now, I know he did not go to it with his brother. This is not his brothers type of movie. That does not leave much choices left as to who he saw it with. Beside, he was trying to change the subject right away. At first he was talking like we saw it together, until I told him, I never saw it. He would not see "Two weeks notice" with me.

go figure

Ok I am feeling angry just reading this.I can only imagine how you felt.
How in the world did you keep your cool.

You are one amazing woman.

I was hoping you would have closure, or reconcillation by now.

How do you keep it all inside?

Is it for the kids, or are you just that good?

I think of lots of things to say, but none of them would help you, so I keep quiet.

Praying for you, and Ginger too.

SS

Thanks SS
I can use all the prayers I can get!!!

I thought I would have had closure too by now. It is the lack of closure I find very frustrating. When this happens, that is when I start getting upset and all the bad from the past find a way to the front.

How do I do it, I don't know. Maybe years of training. As much as my parent were good parents, there were a few areas they could have used improvement. As a kid, I was teased alot. I was that kid that most people picked on. I remember telling my mom, and her response was "ignore it, it will go away" It did not go away, and I withdrew more and more. In school, I was like a wallflower, I wanted to participate, but didn't. I wanted to be outgoing, but was not. I made attempts at trying to get involved with other groups, and I was snubbed most of the time. I was the kid who always sat alone at a table. Once in a great while, someone would join me, only because their friends went to McDonalds and they didn't want to.

I did not learn constructively how to deal with conflict until later in life.

After I got my first job, it was not in fast food like most of my classmates, nor was it through some school program such as DECA, or the office one, where you left school half the day to work. I was working as a nursing assistant in a nursing home. Making more than my classmates were. I worked with other kids my age from other neighboring suburbs. I started making friends from work. They saw the fun me, the outgoing me. Once I graduated from school, the real me started appearing more and more.

This is why I can keep control so easy, but maybe it is a curse and not a blessing. I learned a few things from these days. High School can be the best time or the worst time of someones life. I also knew that once I graduated, I did not have to see any of these people unless I chose to. I have only chosen to go to one class reunion, and that was only out of curiosity. It was the 10 year. They did not change. Once in awhile I run into someone at kids sporting events. They behave somewhat mature now. I did not learn to stand up for myself until later in life, but it takes me a while to do it.

I did not tell you this to make you cry Ginger, and I know it will.

I do not tolerate teasing out of my kids. The boys pick on J, the girl I give a ride to school. When they do, they are made to apologize, and it is not acceptable until it sound believable and she accepts it. Beside apologizing, they have a priveledge taken away. I refuse to raise verbal or physical bullies. I don't care if it is a phase or not. We can all learn sensitivity.

There are still many who believe in the ignore it, it will go away philosophy. We know that it does not. It has not gone away yet. And no, I have not hoped it would end without resolving the A issue. I have to do it in my time.

The kids is what helps me to keep it together with regards to the A. In every other area of our M, I speak my mind. Maybe too much.

Right now, if I exposed, and he left, my CS would be next to nothing. I could not even afford a small apartment to raise the kids in, and with government budget cuts, I would not be elibible for any assistance. My kids would end up being home alone until I came home most of the time.

The oldest is almost old enough to stay home for short periods of time, but I cannot rely on him to get himself off to school on time. His head is in the clouds alot. My middle son, is toooooo creative to be left home alone and princess is just too little. The boys are too young to be watching a 4 year old.

I made it this long, whats another few months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
No, I will not lose me. I like me too much to have that happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>