I know things have not been good there. You have been putting up with him wanting to sweep it under the rug for so long and it is frustrating. Him not recognizing, acknowledging how this has hurt you. Him thinking that "I admitted to it, what more does she want from me. We should be able to just move on" However, your whole marriage, has mostly been about FWH, what he wants, what he wants to do, and Ginger just surviving through each and every day. (How close am I to being accurate?) After a while, there comes a time when you ask "what about me?" "doesn't what I want matter?"

Ginger dear, you know very well, what you want matters alot.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}

I think we could find a spare room to put you in before you melt. Then we will send you back before you turn into a popsicle. (We don't have central air, just window air conditioning) (and I don't mean open windows either, but we do that too, not in this heat)

Sue you hit the nail right on the head.
My D lost it with my H not long ago then
afterwards she got upset w/me and said that I always put him first before the kids,H says I always put the kids first before him.
I wonder who put me first??

I am confussed and feel no matter what, I will not make the right choice.

Ginger - You said:
I wonder who put me first??

You need to start it - perhaps you did when you took your trip. You need to put you first - respect your self first, and then the respect from others follows.

Sue, still thinking about you. Hoping you get in enough laughter, and enough sleep.

Bet you are still short on sleep.

Ah, life doesn't stop when we take naps, does it. Still praying you get that job you are looking for. Hope H is still walking the line.

Cheers,

SS

Hi,

Still around, been very busy. I know, I am always busy.

I hope to update soon.

I hesitate, partly because, I don't want to prematurely post what maybe good stuff, especially since I have been that road before only to find out I was wrong.

So, in the mean time, I work more than I should, we fixed up the garage. It was looking like it should be knocked down. Now it is looking like the owners care about it.

Picked my first batch of strawberries that I planted last summer. Only got about 10 strawberries, but they sure were good.

My blueberry bush should be having berries soon. Planted that two years ago. H is taking an interest in the yard and house more.

Well Sue things sound pretty good in your part of the world.
I will now shock everyone,I am taking a week vacation and then a 30 day leave of absence,I am leaving in 3 days.There are alot of reason why,but I am so tired of hearing from my H,we need to be apart,I hate this life,I cant take it anymore.Today I told him he is getting his wish the kids and I will be gone on thurs.I told him he can pack up the apt himself,after all he should have plenty of time.

Ginger - wow. Well, when you take action, you take action. I don't know what else to say.

After a while, enough is enough I guess.

Call me

Sue wrote:
I hesitate, partly because, I don't want to prematurely post what maybe good stuff, especially since I have been that road before only to find out I was wrong.

Oh come on, just a teeny weeny hint? We'll be good with it, we promise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

It's a good sign that he is doing more in the yard. You serve what you love, and you love what you serve. It's a cycle. If he's doing better, his focus is more turned to you again.

SS

I am still banking on you Sue and cheering you on and convinced at post 1000, you will be able to really confront him with the truth and have it out with him.

I think 1000 is the magic number here.

I have a long way to go before I hit post 10000, since I am at 2500 right now.

I have been making more discoveries lately. I'm sure the A is over, for now. I think she ended it, not him as he said he would. I'm not surprised.

I am surprised to find out that he lied to her as much as he lied to me. I really wonder if she knew that he was married. I'm thinking she did not. But that does not say much about her smarts if she could not figure it out. She recently found out that he has a daughter. Yes, little princess, he never told her about her. She is 5 years old, almost 6 and he never told her that he has three children. She knew about the boys.

I have a whole range of emotions going through me. Happy that it is over, sad that he did not end it, but she did, so I question that it will happen again. Or wil they start up again. If he is being dishonest with her, what is he telling her.

She made a reference to the two of them making plans to do stuff with the boys, and later, WH would come back and tell her "no". I can only assume he told her, that I said "no". So, she mentioned that she would be upset that she could not get to know them.

I felt I did not have a real marriage, many times I felt like I was the mistress. What kind of a man did I marry. What kind of a man does what he did to her knowing full well that he could not follow through on those plans. After all, if he attempted it, what would he have said to the boys "oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, dont' tell mommmy" "oh, and don't tell my girlfriend that I am married to your mommy"

Is he insane??? No one in their right mind makes plans that they know they cannot follow through on.

I've thought of calling her, asking to meet with her. Honestly, it is the only way either one of us will come to some idea of the truth. I don't believe that I will ever get it from him. Never. And even then, will it be the truth, it will only be what we each knew to be the truth.

Did he tell her I was some sort of crazy lunatic who is obsessed with him and cannot accept that my marriage is over. I can only guess what she was told.

I'm starting to think that he is crazy and imbalanced.

The last couple of weeks, H has been irritable.

I found two new jobs to apply for, going to give it my best shot. One is internal with the Nursing home organization, if I get it, it will be with a rehabilitation facility, the other one is a pediatric facility.

I have not heard from the one I applied to at the end of May. That one I thought I had it. I called a couple of times to inquire about it. Each time, she said that they will be getting back to me. I have heard nothing.

Tomorrow, it is time to call a couple that have my application on file and inquire into the status. These two, I call on once a month so they know I am still interested.

Maybe I should get my license in WI, it is only a 30 min drive to the border.

Thanks for the update, It is nice to know what's happening with you these days.

Is there less stress in your life now than there was a year ago?

Are you more at ease around your H than you were a year ago?

Do you feel (most days) that your M can succeed?

I read what you said about H's reasons for quitting, and I thought about what a college english professer told me once a long time ago. He said it the reason doesn't matter. If someone quits smoking and they don't smoke again, the reason doesn't matter, they still get the benifits of not smoking.

I understand your concerns, but if he quit the A, and he meets your needs, and you get yours met by him, your marriage can heal, and things can be good again. Try to think of it that way.

2004 is a good year for root beer. Not too sweet, but just right. I don't think it would ship though, sometimes the bottles blow up, and they would probably call homeland security on me.

SS

Is there less stress, in general, I would say yes.

Will my marriage succeed, I don't know. Right now, I am very disgusted with him.

Hi,

Not sure what to think right now.

For a while, things were really good. "Honeymoon Period" I guess you could call it. This past week, he changed, alot.

He claims it is because he is worried about his health, which very well could be.

He is diabetic (and really does not comply with diet, or at least not until recently)

High blood pressure (not uncommon with a diabetic), he keeps too much inside.

Lets not forget the high cholesterol.

He will not do counseling, he keeps too much to himself.

I'm not sure if he has been in contact with her or not.

I know she ended it, I don't see much e-mail between them, mostly her venting wanting to know why he mislead her, why he made promises he had no intention of keeping, stuff like that.

I've thought about confronting him again - but not sure if I want to just yet.

I know most would say I should, then he would change password on this account, and I would be totally in the dark about what is going on.

I don't like not knowing what is going on.

I've thought often about divorce, thinking that life would be easier, less conflict.

He seems depressed, irritable,

Is it withdrawal? At one point, I thought he was trying to get her back, is it not working and now he is in withdrawal? Is that why he is having troubles controlling his blood sugar, the stress of everything?

I could tell him and show him how stress contributes to many medical conditions and living a double life is very stressful, so if he wants to improve his health, he needs to stop the double life, but he would not believe me.

He thinks he is dying, he is convinced he will die soon.

It is hard for me to be sympathetic, when I know all it would take for him to get things under control is lifestyle changes. Changes he has to be willing to make.

He has to stop blaming others for his high blood pressure. He says it is mine and the kids fault. Why? Because the kids yell and fight as siblings do, and as a parent, I punish them, sometimes yell when necessary to get their attention or to make a point. He says that raises his blood pressure. Sometimes I think he has some unrealistic ideas of how children should behave and since mine behave as normal children do, he cannot deal with it. Lets face it, siblings fight, sometimes once in a while, sometimes daily.

WH claims he did not fight with his brother like ours do. So, where did the stories come from regarding MIL sometimes taking WH's younger brother with her because she was afraid WH would hurt him?, or the story about a knife being stuck in a door during a fight (yes I said knife). There is many more stories and yet WH insists they did not fight like ours do. He is right, mine have not used weapons. They hit, pinch, bite, such as today, they got the lecture on behaving and "no hitting, pinching, biting, name calling, throwing things in anger or tantrum" while at my sisters (neice is babysitting while I make up some time at work. (on break)) MS says, "I didn't bite". I replied, "I know that, I'm just covering all bases incase you get any ideas of doing something I did not specify"

WH has been disappearing alot lately. He says he is taking my suggestion of walking. However, my suggestion was to walk around the block, not a lake 20 minutes away. So, is he meeting her or is he really walking alone as he claims.

I've starting looking at apartments, I still love him, but I don't know if I can live with him. It does not hurt like it use to, but it still does.

My thinking has starting going to a more "me" orientated type of thinking.

On the job hunting side of things, I received a call for an interview. I returned the call, missed her. I hope to catch up with her on Monday. The job is with a State run nursing home. Pays less than what I make at the nursing home I am at. I hear the benefits are cheaper than what I currently pay. I want to hear the whole package deal. Maybe the lower benefit cost will cancel out the reduced pay, and I might take home the same as I do now. It does not hurt to interview. It it turns out, it will give me experience.

So, after all I said, am I happy, for the most part I am. I started doing what I want and making decisions in my best interest, not his. At this point, I need to do that.

I used to try to look for jobs that would work for the whole family, now I look for jobs that will work for me and the kids. It is what I need to do.

Hi Sue

I hope the job you want comes thru,it will make things so much easier for you.

Its funny how much our H's are alike,what would life be like if everything was someone elses fault?? I often wonder when my H will wake up and realize that alot of the bad in our life is due to him and decisions HE made.
But in his world its all the kids and me.

Funny now that he is getting what he told me he wanted he does not seem so sure about wanting it,telling me that everything will work out,that he does not want to loose me.Maybe he should have thought of that before he told me he wanted out,and could not take our life anymore.

Maybe a wake-up call in is order for your H also.
Its hard,its scary but is it fair that you have to live the way you do right now??
No its not you deserve the best.

Oh and by the way MY kids never had fights...LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (you know thats a stretch of the truth right!!!!!!!!)

Sue,
Your kids fight?

Have they been doing this for a long time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Your family sounds normal to me.

I am just now getting some of the stories of things my kids have done over the years. I'm glad I didn't catch them at any of it, because either they or me would probably be in jail.

I really don't udnerstand why so many of us men don't get it when our wives tell us they have a need. We expect you gals to understand our needs and take care of us, so why can't it go both ways?

If you told him you had a boyfriend for the last two years, but you wanted to come clean and by the way, "can't we just get past this, and move on" - well, I expect he would want to talk about things a little bit. How is it that he can't grasp that concept? Maybe I should call him up and explain some things.

You should expect counseling, and I would hope he will help things out (and himself too!!) by going with you.

You sound like you are still working too hard, and getting too little rest. W and I find that two trips a year together with out the kids do wonders for our relationship. Do you have your next one planned? it sounds like you really enjoyed the Vegas trip. Note that we don't always have the funds either, sometimes we go camping. At least we get to spend time together.


I wish you would get that job, so I could quit worring about that one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the update, we hate wondering how you are.

SS

I have an interview on Tuesday, two more applications to submit. These are not nursing jobs, but they put me in the medical field, where I will have exposure to a clinic or hospital floor. These will be combining my 15 years of office and the nursing training/knowledge such as documentation, terminoligy. Pays what I make now, I hear benefits are cheaper, in in a way it is a raise.

OS came up to me last night, I was preoccupied as I usually am with trying to decide what do do about my M. He asked me what was wrong, I told him adult stuff, and I'm trying to decide what is in the best interest of everyone concerned. he responded with a "I know, you are trying to decide if you should divorce dad or not".

So, we had a talk. I did not tell him about dad's affair. He is too young for that. Im just told him that I am not happy, and I don't want a divorce, so I have been trying to make things work and I want them to have as little disruptions in their lives as possible. I explained that when I married his dad, I expected it to be forever and that is the way it should be. Sometimes it is not and this is a big decision that cannot be made quickly. I also explained that before people divorce, they should try to make it work.

I think he is back with her. I'm not sure though. He has been very moody.

Two weeks ago, it was great, he was concentrating on the house, family etc. Now, he is moody and irritable. So either he is going through withdrawal or he is back with her and feeling even more guilty than before.

I don't know what to do right now, except concentrate on me. I don't know if I have the energy or desire to meet any of his needs right now.

I have to keep focusing on the future. I think often of moving north about 4 hours away. Far enough away to be inconvient, but close enough to stay in touch with my sisters and see them often.

Or you could move right next door to ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sue I only hope the best for you,I know you and you deserve to be happy,you work way to hard to come home at night and not be happy.

I am not happy,will I be after the move?? I dont know but I do know that even tho I have not started my new job they have already made me feel like I am worth something.I recieved a call from the personel manager today and she asked me why was I taking a part time evening job with all my experiance?? I told her so that I could help my daughter out,she said wow thats awsome but I have a postion open for more hrs if you want it.It made me feel so good.

I hope that I can learn how to do something for me.
Sue,please make your decision on what is best for YOU,the kids will survive but will you??

Take care my dear friend.I will call you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

Ok,
What did I miss?

Always a day late, and a dollar short, but lately about 20 dollars short.

Sue,
You OK?

SS