I'm not even sure where to post this...if this is the right place or not. This is a very long story (but I will try to keep it short) and it really bothers me that I don't know how to deal with it.<P>Ok..here it goes....My husband finally agreed to me going back to work part time, after taking a few years off work to be with our children. I was very excited about this, as I had become 'bored' staying home all the time. H said that he noticed a change in me right away...that I was happier, and had a better outlook on things, and that he even saw a difference in my sefl esteem. All of his observations were right. I felt better about myself, I felt like I was doing a good thing by contributing to the family income. Now here is where the problem comes in. The shop closes at 10pm on weekdays, and after we clean up, I don't get home until around 11pm. Tuesday night we were quite busy, and didn't get eveything cleaned up until about 11:15pm. I left work and went to an all night grovery store to pick up some things for H's lunch the next day. I got home and was dead tired. I sat down in the recliner to eat something, and fell asleep. H woke me up about an hour later and told me to come to bed. I got in bed and H wanted to make love. Every inch of my body ached,and I was so very tired, I told him that I really needed to get some sleep. He got angry and got out of bed...went to the bathroom, where I had taken off my clothes before going to bed. A few minutes later, he stormed in the bedroom, throwing my pants at me and said "There are stains on your pants!!!" I said "Well, probably, I DO work in a Pizza shop, you know." and he yelled "Sex stains! Not pizza sauce!" I grabbed the pants and looked at them, and for the life of me, I couldn't see where he saw any "sex stains". They were slightly sun faded, but only on the inside, as I hang my dark clothes out to dry inside out to prevent sun fading...but no "sex stains". I was hurt that he would make such a statement to me, that he would think something like that about me, and I was angry..I told him that his whole problem was the fact that I was too tired to satisfy him sexually and he was acting like a spoiled little kid who didn't get his way. Ok, so maybe my reaction was wrong...but he has been acting strange ever since I started working...we HAVE to make love every night when I get home from work...only it's different than it normally is...it's like he is checking me out..for signs of another man. He has to touch every inch of my body...and look at every inch of my body, before we make love. But he only does this on the days that I work. I told him that if this was the way things were going to be, I would quit my job...just to keep peace between us. He said no..we need the extra money..I should keep my job. But how can I ever feel good about going to work again when he thinks that I am screwing my boss? I'm so upset right now. H said he was sorry for thinking that I was doing something wrong..and asked me to forgive him...of course I said I did...but I'm just not so sure now. He says he loves me, respects me, cherishes me, trusts me...but his actions show me something entirely different.<BR>How do I handle this situation?<P>Gabbie

Your husbands ego is hurting. He feels missplaced in your life. Find a way to reassure him that his is loved, respected, and cherished.<P>I know its hurtful to feel distrusted, but imagine how he feels...thinking your having an affair. That man is hurting. Calmly tell him you love him, and you would never do such a thing...that he is the best thing that ever happened in your life.<P>Lots a women catch married men because they know how to feed a mans ego. Lots of married women lose their husbands because they don't know how (to prop up our fragile ego's).<P>optimist.<p>[This message has been edited by optimist (edited December 16, 1999).]

He obviously has feelings of insecurity and paranoia, but I think it is semi-normal. He is not sure how to react to having his 'love' out in the real world where she might be seen by other men again. I think you need to be firm with him in letting him know your intentions are pure and that he has no reason to be suspicious, but you must follow that with an outpouring of love (the act, not the feeling) to bring his security level back. That's how I see it anyway. At least he is in support of you working which at the very least shows he is practical.<P>------------------<BR>Hanging on by a Thread

Ya'All are both men, right? <P>I understand all that you two have said, really I do...ubt I don't think that it's just because I am 'out in the real world' again. I asked him the other night "If I were to sell my car, disconnect the phone and internet, tell my friends and family that I no longer wanted any contact from them, and stayed in this house 24/7 for the rest of my life...would you still find a reason to distrust me?" He looked me right in the eyes and said "Yes". His ex-wife had numerous affairs, and I understand his fears, but we have been together a total of 6 years, and I have never given him any indication that I was having an affair, thinking of having an affair, or even looking at another man with interest. H on the other hand, has had some pretty suspect actions, which I questioned. I will be the first to admit that I did some snooping, before I confronted him. I know now that he did not have an affair, but at the time, his actions were screaming "Something is not right here!!" And I find myself wondering "Is the extra $600.00 a month you bring home from your job worth the problems it is causing in your marriage?" When I aske H about this, he said that he wanted me to keep working...but I'll be damned if I am going to put up with this jealous, suspicious crap for very much longer.<P>Not only are his suspicions unfounded, but they do a heck of a number on my self esteem. I mean, he must have a pretty low opinion of me to say some of the things he has said to me.<BR>Gabbie<p>[This message has been edited by Gabbie (edited December 16, 1999).]