First timer, so excuse any weirdness.

My husband and i have been together for over 12 years, back in October i discovered he was having an A. this A was confirmed by a fluke of modern technology, and when i say fluke, I mean he was seriously out of luck the way i found out.(Of course I had my suspisions because of his actions)
Anyways we somehow made it thru the purchase of a new house, the holidays etc.

I confronted him and he of course denied, but has since then conceided to it having been an EA.The EA has ended, i am pretty sure.

We are now separated in an effort for him "to get his head on straight". He states the ussual I am not sure i want to be married. He goes between blaming me because of the way i treated him and then being apologetic because i don't deserve this treatment from him.

The problem now lies in that there seems to be no end to this "temporary separation". (2months)And its not really a true separation. He comes over saturday night and when we wake up on sundays "we play house", meaning we run the usual routine of family activities but at the end of the day, when the kids are tucked in he goes to the apartment. He has shown up at my doorstep at midnight, 4AM, comes over during the week. We (he sends them as well)comunicate everyday via text messaging or phone. (Goodmornings, waz ups? etc.) sometimes when I'm feeling especially down "i" send him some really pathetic sounding messages, usually w/o responses.

However i have noticed he tends to show up after i've had an expecially bad bout with the texts, does this mean he feels guilty or am i getting thru?

I don't know what to do? He gives me no updates on how he's feeling and the last time i asked (1 month ago)he stated that i was badgering him.
My life is in a major state of limbo, i feel I can't even decorate because if we do split up I can't afford the house.

My children are watching and waiting as well and I worry about what kind of example this sets for them.

Should I continue to wait, give him his time or "call it". I can't help thinking that with a little more time he'll snap out of it, but that doesn't seem to happen and I don't know how much longer I can keep this limbo up.

Its almost like he's living single tuesday thru friday and then becomes married saturday night.

Should i wait untill he gets it out of his system? What??????????????

I'm feeling very alone and taken for granted.

Ya gotta do either Plan A or Plan B. Click on t, not both at once. Clickon the link in my sig line for additional info, and the Plan A/B link

I am new here too, but reading your post almost made me cry. I just found out after 12 years that he 'met' someone and he isn't even being honest about when. I am angry one min. and ashamed of my own actions the next. He is still here, but our son knows something is going on. He tells me he won't leave, but then he lied about the affair, I think he lied and said it was a business trip this weekend and he lied when he said he wouldn't go this weekend. He says he needs her to be happy! So what, I get to be miserable? I still love him, and I keep hopeing I can fix whatever I did wrong--but he won't communicate what that was!

I know what your feeling! As if the rollercoaster they put us on is not enough. Our own emotions take us all over the place. I go from "keep on trying, no matter what you have to do" to "my pride is more important"!

As for it being anything you did, forget that. Because NOTHING you did validates him hurting you the way he is. Like I told my fool, you should have turned to me when I did something that bothered you, not go cry on someone elses shoulder.

As an update:

Although his behavior is some what better towards me, it doesn't seem like he's planning on coming back anytime soon!

And whats worse i now know that he hasn't broken off w/the EA all together! (SET BACK)

I miss him! I miss us!

And i just don't see this separation doing anything for us! Either we go to a complete separation or we start "dating" each other on the road to finding each other again!

I can't do this limbo for very much longer!

Crunchie

You sound like a woman with her head on straight.

You are seperated and he is having to face the consequences. You are doing it differently than I and I don´t know which way is right. One thing is for sure whichever way it is we are both in limbo, as you put it.

I have not gotten to the stage to ask him to leave us. But I know that I have to do that at one point...It´s just not right now.

My H is on the plane to his lover again. And I am allowing him. He will be gone 2 nights! He said he has to talk to her and tell her what is going on between me and him. She is a nice person. He cares for her and she does not deserve to be left in the dark either. OH MY GOD. I have not got a clue how I will get through these nights.

He asked me whether he should call me tonight. I said I was not sure. He would if I wanted him too. Is it good to talk with the Waz ups every day? Sometimes it makes the pain just alot worse.

I feel so much GUILT. I can kick myself in the leg for also letting this go here. (Of course he is responsible too) We have not been talking to each other for years. Partly because we have through been so MANY criseses. His father went bankrupt, I got a terrible depression, the new company he worked for sucked, His mother turned out to be a gambler and brought my H´s whole family´s economical situation down. His father went bankrupt again because of that. Then my H starts his own company. That goes bankrupt after 2 years. Now he is trying to build it all back up again.

In between all of this we have had 3 children and moved house 4 times. Funnily enough we are moving again in the midst of this nightmare. So I know where you are coming from when u say you have no energy to decorate. I can´t see how I have the energy to move. Any advice????

I have stuck by my H through all of this and he has stuck by me. But we forgot to talk. All the stress and the failure got bottled up. I did not dare tell him how I REALLY felt in fear of him feeling that I was not being supportive. He did not dare to talk to me about his feelings because he was afraid that I might leave him.

All of these are thoughts we have had in our heads. And we have been SOOOO STUPID in not talking and being open, because deep down I think we have always wanted the same thing. We have been using all our time these past few days to feel sad and sorry about not talking to one another.

We are 7 years down the road and we haven´t communicated with each other for at least 5 of them.We have not taken care of each others EN. A few months ago I thought I actually did not have feelings for him anymore. I was numb. I felt like everything was all about HIS needs. Need for Sex, Need for admiration. Guess whether I gave any of those things to him. NO! I was so dissappointed because he was not going to go out of his way to fulfill mine. So it was easier to let him be. Give him space to pursue his career and own interests without nagging or being a drag. Turns out he may have felt I really did not care. An I was not sure I did!

But it was out of Love (or fear of conflict) I let him be because I also felt he had been under so much pressure and stress. The worst thing is he has NEVER reacted to any of the things we/he have been through. He just kept on going. Is this the reaction??????

And now there is the OW.

I know that Plan A is supposed to be about him having no contact with the OW? And now I am allowing him that? How stupid am I?

Can anyone understand me when I say I CANNOT demand that of him right now. Why? Because we have so many love busters that if I was to tell him to stop, he would have trouble seeing who it is that is standing here. He has no other reason than the kids to not run. He might even stop it for the kids, but if I think I know him - he won´t. -besides he is in love! He cannot be rational!

I love my H and in my heart I feel that I should not punish him by turning my back to him. I have been already doing that for so long (That is where my guilt comes from, not lack of self worth!). He said it felt like I had been punishing him. What he does not realize is that I feeli like he has been punishing me too. I think he really needs to FEEL I love him, support him. Fulfill all those EN I have failed to fulfill in my own state of disappointment.

Is that just going to make him a CAKEman, I do not know! Probably in the long run. That´s why I have to NOT allow it soon.

I found out about the A a week ago. Last weekend we had the most amazing sex ever. And I mean EVER! It felt good and it felt sad. It felt hurtful because I knew there was the OW. BUT He STILL desires me and I desire him. That must be a good sign? I keep telling my self that it HAS to be a good sign. But at the same time I feel vulnerable because I opened myself up to him, and now he is on the plane to her....

I am trying to tell myself , "do the things that are good, loving and caring? Do things that deposit love so we may find each other again" Sex is just one of those deposits and I have to start filling his bank/ our bank with it.

It took me the discovery of an A to find my feelings again. They were not lost like I thought, but are stronger than ever. (I may also be deceiving myself I truly cannot tell). I want to fight back. And the only way I can do it is with love. My heart tells me to fight the distrust, disrespect, betrayal all the bad with good, with love.

Maybe I am wrong, but I feel that if I start putting demands now, he will not see me for who I am. The woman he once fell in love with. The woman that has also changed; being stronger and more mature. The woman who is the mother of his children.

Plan A for me is to make him really feel that I love him no matter what. That worst case we may end up as friends. Am I making it too easy for him??????

I do Love him. It really hurts that the OW is there, but I have to deal with it. My H is trying to make a choice. Her or me. Right now "she" has made MORE love deposits in his love bank than me. "Our" bank is on minus. SERIOUSLY overdrawn. I have to try to make up for that. Someone has to and he can´t! I have been the "wife that was not really there" for a long time. Now I need to make the effort.

I don´t know whether it is right or wrong. I just feel it is the very best I can do to get him to STOP the A and fight for us. See that there is smthg worth fighting for. I don´t want to make a mistake, make the wrong move. Because I believe we can make it work. But he has to WANT to. And I have to help him WANT to.

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?????????

Crunchie, the problem is that the way you are dealing with it makes sense to me too....So it is really confusing knowing the right moves.

Strength to you.

-queen of a broken heart-