I am sitting at work on a Saturday to get away from my H, to create a bit of distance to the intense rollercoaster of a week I have been experiencing. We have been married 4 yrs, together for 7 years and have 3 children. I found evidence on Monday that suggested there was another woman (OW) involved. My H was on a business trip at the time, so Monday evening I called him and asked him about the hotel & restaurant bills I found, where he denied to give me an answer over the phone. I couldn´t sleep all night and knew in the back of my mind he was having an affair, and I even had a gut feeling about who it could be.

That gut feeling in my stomach I have been having for 3 weeks - I simply knew something was wrong. We agreed Monday evening through text messaging that I would come the following day and pick him up at airport and we would go somewhere to talk and he would explain.

I phoned my best friend and she told me that whatever I do, not to confront him with the affair first thing, but to talk about how he is feeling, what are his thoughts about our relationship etc. Tuesday morning I went to work as usual and couldn´t concentrate so went on the NET. That is where I discovered marriage builders and used all my working time on reading letters and letters about marriages and how to make them work. Read all about being givers/takers, about being in the intimate stage/ conflict stage and withdrawal stage and how to work to try to get back from withdrawal to intimacy.

Without this site (and my friends advice) I would have driven to the airport, confronted my H with the affair and started a fight. I did the opposite. I talked calmly to my H. Told him I did not want to fight. Talked about all the things we both were not happy about in the relationship.

We talked about all of our crisises, our inability to talk to each other, his fear of us not being compatible, his dissappointment in me by not being the woman he thought I was. When he met me I was a high flying career woman with a lot of things going on, but six months later, when we moved in together- (I moved to his country leaving my family and friends behind) his fathers firm went bankrupt. At the same time I got into a very serious depression and could not pull myself together to find a new job, learn the new language. I was helpless and the ghosts of my past crept up on me and made matters worse. My H`s fathers situation did not help either since my H spent all time and energy helping his father get back on his feet again and also trying to help me.

My H told me this week that he felt that he "ordered a black car and got a blue one instead" and the dissappointment of that has stuck to him ever since that he has never been able to forgive me. This info shocked me to the very core of my heart. He never told me, though he married me and we had 3 children together!

After our long talk at the airport cafe, we drove home and at home I confronted him with the Affair. She is his major client (my H has his own company in 4 countries). She shares the same business ideas and understands the technology of his business, sharing the same values as my H does. She is at the top of her organisation, a manager of 3 countries, with massive decision power.( She is married with no children.) I CANNOT COMPETE WITH HER!!!! He told me that he was more than sexually involved, he was emotionally involved with her too.

I am devastated!

Tuesday night we were up all night talking, crying. The hurt was so consuming that I sat in our living room on the floor crying. He came into me to hold me, but after an half an hour or so asked him to let me be alone a while.

Wednesday he left abroad again on a business trip. He assured me it was only business and I had to trust he was telling me the truth. We talked on the phone a few times and e-mailed. I swore that I would not let him "break" me and would carry on with my weekly engagements to get my mind off him and the OW.

Thursday he came home and we talked again. Last night we made passionate love like we have not experienced for years and today we have been sitting at a cafe talking, crying, touching each other.

I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again, but I also feel like I am doing it because I´m afraid of losing him. On the other hand I am so hurt that I feel like running away and telling him no matter what he says or does this trust will never be re-built and that the relationship is over. I also feel like I am being very "calculative" in my moves. If i show him honesty and openness then he will do the same. If i do this and this, he will want me/ desire me...

And now that we had a passionate night and "connected", with a day where we have spent time talking and touching one another, I told myself that I had to go to work and sit here and create space so he did not feel like I was trying to suffocate him with my presence. (Knowing he would probably call the OW and see how she is doing...)

I don´t know what the Plan A/Plan B concept is about, cause in my country you can´t get the book.

I´m trying to give him the feeling of me loving him/ caring for him/ nurturing for him even though he has hurt me. But at the same time being "aware" that I don´t come on too hard.

Can anyone tell me honestly whether I am doing anything sensible or am I doomed on trying to save our marriage?

I asked him on Thursday this question;

"Why won´t you stop with the OW now, so we can try to see whether there is something to be saved here in our family, be the result one way or the other"

He said that he thought that was a fair question and he would think about it.

I asked him today again whether he had an answer to my question and he said he needed more time to think and if he had an answer on what it is he wanted he would tell me, but he was so confused and was not sure what he wanted.

He loves our children. He says he loves me too. he thinks I am the most beautiful and desirable woman for him, but we have so many issues that have scarred our relationship (maybe for life). the worst about it is that I agree.

I will post more on our situation soonest, but I would really appreciate to hear what you think about how I am handling this?

Loads of cyberenergy from me to all of you that are trying to save your marriages like me. I think this forum is unbelievable!!!!!!!

Welcome to MB - what a smart lady you are. You have handled everything so amazingly.

As I read your post, I remembered feeling the way you are feeling. It is so good that you and your H are talking and are intimate. (My H and I resumed intense, passionate SF immediately after DDay as well -it was one way to connect...)

I don't have time to post much here, but to say that it is a journey - this road of recovery. And you are not nuts to try and save your marriage - you are off to a strong start.

He is going through lot of mixed emotions as well just remember that. Read my signature line and it will tell you all - I had TWO years of my H not feeling in love with me..but he is back now 100%.

Keep coming here for support

Hello there!

First of all let me congratulate u in the way u handle it all... I couldn't do it myself... and I think u are a very brave women...

Sorry to hear u are passing through one of the worst (if not the worsest) experiences in life... I myself though it was tv stuff and WAM welcome to reality... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

About the OW... Yes is true... u can not compete with her in many many things... but on the other hand U CAN compete in many others! U have to find out which ones are those and exploit them fully...

A though here... maybe I'm wrong... besides the super executive women, I think men need another things in a women.. like caring, a mother for his childrens wich u are already... compassion, etc... What I'm trying to say here is that she may got some very good qualities BUT U also got a LOT of them and have to do some research on wich ones where there and develop them fully so u can start fighting in the same level as the OW...

Ussualy I bet u lost a LOT of communication... this seems to be a common factor here... So start regaining it ASAP... not crying... but rationally and understanding his needs... Pick some neutral spots like restaurants or a plaza...

U have to concentrate on this... Also I would recomend seek MC (marriage counseling) at least on ur side it may help until he is ready to go...

About Plan A and plan B read the following link's they might help a lot

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=001637

Finally welcome to MB. I hope we can help u as much as I found help in here

Take care

Click on the link in my sig line for information on what to do next

Queen,

Have you checked through the MB bookstore to see if you can get the MB books? Or can Amazon.com reach you?

If not you've got a great group of people here to support you. So glad you found this website. It has saved me and my marriage too.

Blessings to you - let us know how you're doing! CSue

Hi again and thanks for your support.

I read the plan A/B piece and it confirmed to me that I was maybe doing something right. I´m at work again and its Sunday. (Seems like the only place I can get some peace to be able to investigate what to do next).

Our kids are with the au-pair at a park, without her I would be a nervous wreck, My H is at home probably talking to the OW, when he is supposed to be working. I know that I am giving him that opportunity while I am gone, but I do not want to suffocate him with my presence.

Last night we had SF (I hope that is the right shortening for Sexual Fulfilment or just plain Sex...?). Again it was really intense and we crawled right under each others skin. This morning we woke up to more SF and I really felt confident that if my H desires and wants me so much the OW can in no way be so important! I could feel his desire for me in his touch (or maybe it was just my imagination?).

Anyway this afternoon my hurt turned even deeper. My H was sitting on his laptop and working, while I was packing. (You won´t believe it but we are in the middle of moving house and nothing can be done to stop it, since else we have no place to live from end Next week, I don´t have the energy to move!) All of a sudden I ask him if he still has our last summer pics on his laptop, and when he clicks on the photo album icon - up pops a picture of the OW lying under a sheet (presumably naked). I ask "who is that". He tells me it´s the OW and he is so sorry but he did not realize he had that picture there.

I break down in tears. The pain just consumes me. He comes and holds me and says he is so sorry. He would never have let me see that.

After an half an hour or so I calm down and we start talking. I ask how serious it is with OW and he says that he is in love. OW is a really nice person he says. OW has qualities that I miss, just like I have qualities that OW misses. Right now OW qualities are pulling him more because he is not in love with me but in love with her. My heart felt like it just fell out of my chest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

He said that the OW was just as suprised about her feelings towards my H. That she had actually not thought that there was anything that wrong with her Marriage as they were planning to have a family. But that her feelings towards my H were profoundly strong and she was considering ending her own M. Here I am listening to all of this with my heart weeping and screaming of pain. But I listened. Told him that it hurt me that he felt like that.

He carried on talking about how he felt that our M may be difficult to save. That he could
a) stop the A and regret it for the rest of his life because it could have been the "REAL" love of his life,
b) stop the A in consideration for trying to work our M out with me, but risk constantly thinking about the OW and srcrew it up anyway.
c) just stop the A and accept this is his family, but never be happy.

And after all this he was concerned that even if he stopped the A, and we would work it out, how much all of this has effected me so that I may do the same.

I told him a)and c)were not an option, because I did not deserve a H that was not happy to be with me and may live with regret. b) was not an option cause It was not fair that I thought we were working towards a common goal and all he would be doing is thinking about OW.
I also told him that no matter what I would always care for him and that if it turns out worst case then at least we could be friends...(I don´t know whether that was so smart?)

After that I could not keep myself from wanting him to desire me again (am I trying to prove that I am better thatn OW????) and we had the most amazing SF that I have ever experienced. It was the first time I "let go" and could truly say that now I know what a full blown "O" is. He got really touched by seeing me get so fulfilled. I broke down to tears saying that this was so sad, so good at the same time. And to some extent I felt sick because just imagine it has taken an A to make me get there with my H sexually.

He felt really sad too. He said he really felt that I was his, butter in his hands. But why has it taken 7 years to get here?

What is happening here? I am confused to why I want SF so much with him? I think I am trying to show him that I am a passionate woman with desire for him. I am. I do. I also know that this is fulfilling one of hiis emotional needs (also mine).

Some times I feel like I am going absolutely nuts, lost my senses.

Thanks again to the MB. I am so happy that I have a place to go. To share my thoughts and feelings with people that know what I am going through.

God bless you all!

Queen -
omigosh - you could be me 3 years ago! Our stories are so similar.
First of all - your husband is not giving himself clear options at all. He is basing everything on the premise that your marriage won't work, he's made that decision (how else can he justify his feeing??), and he'll be unhappy - his reality is based on false assumptions!! My H did EXACTLY this. He was truly IN LOVE with OW - or so he thought.
We too had the most amazing SF ever in our lives just after DDay and it has con't.
Two books I HIGHLY recommend - After the Affair by Janis A. Spring (get your husband to read this too!) and Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Get counselling ASAP.
There is no need to make any decisions about your marriage as yet - believe me - it took TWO YEARS for my H to realize his love for me again!! I believe he had it all along, but it was clouded by the fantasy of OW. He stayed for the sake of the kids only - that was his story anyway!!
Okay - gotta run - hope this helps for now!!

Alberta!

Thanks for your response.

I tried to find "your story" but when clicking on your name found only 50 recent posts, only from 2003 and 2002 and not back from when you first came to MB. How do I find "your story" ?

How did you manage to carry on with SF with the A going on? I feel so scared and vulnerable because I feel like my H is going to walk all over our newly discovered SF with his love for the OW...My H greatest need is SF. I have not been giving him that for a few years now. I even thought that I did not have any sexual feelings anymore, I was so numb inside. But when I found out about the A, I became so shocked over the feelings of love I have for my H. I thought they had died. And with those feelings I began to desire him again.

I feel sad, broken. But also happy that he still wants me in that way. But I know that he may go to the OW and have his SF also fulfilled there.

How did you cope with it? How will I? Will I?

I will try to get those books ordered. I am not ready for counselling yet, since I need to do my homework and find a counsellor in my country (I´m in Scandinavia) that will support Dr.Harleys way. Because I just feel that his way is SO right! I won´t risk finding the wrong person! I haven´t got the energy to find that counsellor right yet.

But I will get hold of my doctor in case she needs to prescribe me something when I "go down".

I am so grateful to have found MB and a place where there are obviously thousands of wonderful and caring people. Thank you Alberta for your time.

-queen-

My story is not that different from anyone's here I'm afraid! My signature line really says it all. I suppose the big difference for me is that my H's A was long distance - it began on the internet, so I knew there was no chance of them meeting, however, contact was still occuring.

Believe me - coping with it was difficult to say the least and even now, much later and recovered, I have my moments. This is such a devastating thing that has happened to you - you will have moments of hope to be followed by despair, anger - hope again....it really is the old cliche of a "Rollercoaster".

Keep coming here for support for sure. If there is anyone you can confide in - I would suggest that as well - a CLOSE friend, a confidant you can trust. (I know- trusting is hard right now!)

You will survive - you will cope - you just need to equip yourself with the right "tools" to do so and you're off to a great start by coming here and learning about MB.

Hugs to you.
You are strong. You have done NOTHING to deserve this. Your H's A is NOT YOUR FAULT!! Just remember those points!!

Queen:

I can also really relate-- even to the picture. In my case, though, at least the OW wasn't naked, although H and her were kissing. (At least I could tell in some of the pictures that she was ugly and dressed really poorly-- made me feel better!)

My D-day was a little over 4 weeks ago. The best advice I got was: there will continue to be triggers. I thought I was getting to the point where I was O.K. with things but then things would trigger a real (painful) relapse (e.g., when I realized that he took the pictures of them kissing with the camera I gave him as a wedding gift!!!). The more you expect/accept this, the easier you will probably be on yourself.

My H told me he still loved me, but he wasn't in love with me. I said "fine, but an affair is about a fantasy, not reality, just remember that while you are sorting things out." At the time I was giving a good friend almost daily updates and she told me that she thought he was going to leave based upon what he was saying etc.

Well, he stayed and is working on our M, not as hard as I think he should etc., but I admit I expect a lot from people. He has also since told me that in order to do what he did, he had to convince himself that he didn't really love me. (It felt good to hear that...) I have asked him again if he was in love with her and he says (I think honestly) that he doesn't know now, he had to believe he was because otherwise he was putting his family through a lot of pain just because.

Recently I asked him why he stayed, he said because he really thinks we have a real chance of making it work. His biggest fears about staying were that I would feel that he always "owed" me for the A and that if a year from now we decide to split, I will be more enraged than ever over wasting so much time. (I did tell him that my one real condition of him staying would be that we both agree to give 110% for as long as it takes....)

Just thought I'd offer you one view from slightly further down the pike. We both agree that despite the pain of all of this, we really think that we will look back and it will be the best thing in the long run (not the betrayal, but the wake-up call from apathy).

Good luck!