On Friday, I received a phone call from H, who was calling me from OK Airport waiting for his plane to depart. I guess he was a bit melancholy and he decided to call and have a conversation with me. Actually, we had a really nice talk; positive and very comforting, as he explained that he realizes that I was not the bad guy and his A and subsequent relationship is all his fault. He told me that he was available all the time for me and the kids. Well, Saturday I called him to sign some papers and lo and behold...the cell was off. Needless to say, he arrived home from OK and instead of coming to his wife and kids, he ran to the arms of his mistress. He then decides to come begging to me on Saturday to take him back. Just when I relent, yes I gave in again, he went to her that evening to break it off and spent the night. He then tries to tell me on Sunday that it is over and he wants me and the kids back. I ended it right then and there, changed my phone number, closed my cell phone and cried silently for my stupidity, my naivete, my overall good nature to forgive. I once again find myself back at square one, feeling the pain as though I just found out. Why am I so stupid and allow this man to do this to me? Why do I allow him to manipulate my feelings, thus giving our children false hope? Why am I so gullable?

More importantly, how do I overcome this and stop this madness!!!! How do I become strong???? All the while he is telling me that he missed me, meanwhile, he is sleeping with her. My heart is broken because of this stupidity. How do you stop loving a person who purposely sets out to hurt. He in fact confirmed, to my mother last night, that all of the times in the past he wanted to come back, was really just a head game. Now, it is not, but he cannot get over his addiction to this woman. I am allowing him to do this to me; I'm enabling his behavior. How could someone hate another person whom they lived with for 15 years. How could one person set out to hurt another individual without remorse? How could he do this to our children? He has what little trust I had left in him and obliterated it! Why does he hate me so? He also told me that although he knows that she (his mistress)is a schemer and devious, he cannot get over...do I just let him live the life with her and let him see.

Help!

Plan B

I'm truly sorry to hear about your pain!

All I can say is remember he doesn't hate you, he just can't see you thru the fog.

Take one day at a time, and keep away from him. You need to repect yourself, especially when he doesn't. Take control, it will make you feel better!

Don't beat yourself up, you've tried to hand in, the ride just got too bumpy!

Chin up!

Thanks Crunchie....I printed something out from this site, gosh, the name of the person who wrote it eludes me at the moment, but it was so incredible. I read it and it made me feel so awesome. He, as the WS, wrote what the A is like...the emotional and physical aspects, as well as what the A does to the spouse, the children and ultimately, the outcome. Like I said, I printed it out and faxed to my H, who didn't have immediate access to e-mail at the time. He read it and I received 9 phone calls this morning on my cell phone voice mail stating that he read it and wants to talk. Of course, this is only a baby step compared to the more adult challenge of working things out. However, from my point of view, after reading this, I realized that it is my H who has all of the issues; not ME. I understand that I'm in no way responsible for his A (no matter what he tried to pin on me), but now I understand that my H has a great deal of issues he must contend with. Serious ones which need to be addressed, tackled and sorted out before he can even think of reestablishing a relationship with me, marital or otherwise. The sad part about this is that my H knows this, but is very weak at the moment. I'm at a loss at how to make him strong. Of course, his conviction at wanting to save his marriage should be enough, but H has always been the weaker of us in the marriage...in so many aspects, from financial decision making to basic everyday decision making. I had a 45-minute conversation with him this morning on how I will not put any pressure on him anymore. I told him that I love him enough to let him go and "sort" himself out...to "find" himself. Of course, I know that the other woman is very influential and will ultimately try to persuade him to go to her (he told me this, so I'm confident in my assertion).

If you or anyone out there has any advice on how to make my very weak spouse strong, and able to see past this conniving, scheming witch's plan, please let me know.

Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by karena:
<strong>If you or anyone out there has any advice on how to make my very weak spouse strong, and able to see past this conniving, scheming witch's plan, please let me know.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did it right. You use tough love to let him search within himself. When he is ready to come back, you tell him to be honest and help him up with the trigger that lead to his actions. Ask him to be honest to fillin ENQ and let you fillin it. Read "How A should ends" and follow 4 rules of recovery. You might even have to move far (couple hours drives) from this woman if you feel your M & WH are in danger !. If your guts tell you that is needed, make it as part of ammends that he has to agree.

-rh-

Karena,

Do you happen to remember the post you mentioned previously? I would like to get the perspective from the WS as well and show it to my fence-sitter.

I know what you are going through although my husband is just emotionally attached to his co-worker. He hasn't had any contact with her for two weeks and asked her yesterday if she had anything to say to him. I couldn't believe he would send another invitation for communication with her. He said that he thought she might be angry at him for getting involved in our situation. I told him that she is fully responsible for her actions of egging him on.

On Friday, he felt sorry for her because she had pneumonia. On Monday, he felt sorry for her because she considered getting a convertible(to make up for happiness). At what point does his sorrow for HER end. He's sure not feeling sorry for me. He just indicates that the reason he did all this is because he was unhappy about our situation. I know what you are thinking. "It is all my fault." Have you heard that one before. I think I've seen it in just about every post on this board.

I think that he is in denial, although he says he can handle it, that it isn't necessary for him to quit his job. I told him if he wants to pursue a relationship with her he needed to move out and that the closeness we have shared over the past few months isn't helping the situation at all. Maybe I should just withdraw from him sexually until he decides to get off the fence. I am tired of empty love. I could find that with any stranger.

What is wrong with these men?? I don't know about you, but I am tired of begging my husband to stay away from the OW. Does it seem right that we should have to help them get over their affair? How messed up is that. Don't you feel like you're the only person fighting for your marriage?????

I think you are doing the right thing. Your WS needs to wake up and your letting him go is the best thing. I know that is easy to say as I am not sure I am ready for that. I may just have to go there myself.

Hang in there.

Chris