My first post is a doozy!!

After years of harmless flirting with my W's best friend our flirting took a turn. One night we got a hotel room and did the deed. This has only happened twice (I know, once is too often). I don't really know why it happened, but it did. Maybe after 13 years in each of our relationships we both just needed a release or something. Maybe we weren't getting the affection at home we both needed, I really don't know why it happened.

Now, after a few days of lies and deciet, our spouses have discovered the truth. In a way it's kind of a relief. Not having to live with that dirty secret anymore is a bit of a relief.

However, this was my wife's best friend of over 20 years, and my wife is without question, the most wonderful woman I have ever known. I've really made a mess out of my life, I want the old one back. It's only been 5 or 6 days since she found out, she's still VERY upset. I had to leave the city for a few days to try to clear my head as well, she thinks I ran away from the problem. All my leaving did was reinforce how much I love my wife and the fact that I'd do anything to grow old with her.

I've really hurt this beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, caring woman. She's the reason I am the person I am (not including my transgression). I know that there is no one else out there like her, and knowing that makes me feel that if I lost her, there's not alot of hope in ever loving again.

I'm a complete mess, someone, please help me and let me know what to do to fix this.

signed, troubled in toronto

You can figure out why it happened by sitting down with your wife, going over the Basic Concepts on this website and then filling out the Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionnaires to see how your Love Bank got depleted...

Your wife needs you by her side right now to figure out exactly how you let this happen to your marriage.

Please go home! Start the rebuilding process by reassuring her and securing her in your love immediately. Don't stay away for another day.

Clear your head by solidifying your union with your own wife! GO HOME! Please!

You came to the right place for help and support. Read Surviving An Affair by Dr.Harley. Good luck!

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry that it took a PA(physical affair) to bring you here, but you are in the right place to learn how to rebuild your M(marriage).

I would suggest that you read everything on this website and read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't know why it happened.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not true because you even hinted that it might have been a lack of attention on the part of both of your spouses. You may find the answer by printing and filling out the Emotional Needs questionaire.

While there are no guarantees that your M will survive, there is hope and the MB(Marriage Builders) methodology is one of the best plans for achieving marital recovery.

I am home now...I drove for 17 hours to be here last night. Although getting in at 11:30pm wasn't the best thing that could happen, it was all I could do.

I truly realise that what I did was unexcusable, but I like to think that this has happened to other people before, and lots have survived. There has to be a way through this.

My w's confronted me a few times in the 13 years that we've been together about infidelity, but NEVER did anything happen. This time is different. I knew better when it was happening, yet I still let it go on...why? What was I thinking (of better yet, not thinking)?

While I was away I did manage to talk to someone, he said the same thing you said above, GET HOME NOW! So I did, I. He gave some really sound advice, and having been through a divorce (for different reasons) he made me realise that my marriage is the most important thing in my life.

Nothing will ever let me stray again!! NOTHING!! My W's happiness will take precidence over everything.

I'll try the Questionaire and see where it leads me.

Thank you for your support.

Any other advice on how I can mend my wife's broken heart would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, troubled in toronto

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Go home. I second that. You have to let you W know and face the consequence. Ask for forgiveness ... how ?. 1. tell her your feeling. 2. Complete dislosure with radical honesty about the A 3. Ammends her, NC with OW and ask her help to put monitoring on you ... (complete acountabilities on credit card, cash, time, email, and phone log/messages) ... anything that she ask. 4. Willing to work on M by going to conseling and use this MB as a way to reach fullfiling M.

Good luck. -rh-

click on the link in my sig line.

Listen: If it only happened twice I believe you have a wonderful chance of getting it together again. Be committed be honest and accept the rollercoster of emotions your wife will be going through: Shock, anger, low self esteem, sadness. Trust will likely be an issue too. There may even be a short honymoon phase, but the emotions will return. What is she feeling now? Understand it be empathetic. Work at it.

If you are "addicted" and feel an urge to recommit. Don't do it. If you do it can be devestating. I caught my wife three times with one man over 3 years. It did not work out we tried all types of C but she kept at it. We're D now.But remain friends because of the kids.

You have a great chance here. Go for it. Follow the advice from the others.

Good Luck

Broken Arrow

I just wanted to let you know, I've been where you are. My situation is really a lot more complicated (a lot of mixed up things happened in our marriage prior to my A), but in short I too slept with my spouse's (H's) best friend, twice. We had been together 12 years at that point (close in time to your 13 years). Difference is that my H only really had been "best friends" with OM for a couple of years.

I warn you, at some point you will likely be told by your wife that if it happened twice, it would've kept on happening if you hadn't been "caught". She'll doubt that you wouldn't have continued the A if you'd never been "found out."

The double betrayal involved in this has turned my H into someone I don't really know anymore. He is very bitter, and doesn't seem to have it in him to forgive me. We're almost at the point of Dv. I pray that you won't end up here.

Go to your wife, make it clear that you are very sorry, you know you made a mistake, it was your fault and no one else's and that all you want in this world is to save your marriage and be with your wife, for the rest of your life. If you can persuade your W to go for counselling, go and go fast. Perhaps she (and you) may even want to go for individual counselling to deal with this shock to the system.

Also, do not have any further contact with your wife's best friend, no matter what. It will only reduce your chances at recovery and weaken any trust your wife has left for you.

Take care and good luck on the roller coaster ride ahead. Keep reading and posting at MB. It's been a life-saver for me.

Jen

Jen:

It's completely eery how close our situations are, at least what I know of your situation.

I am able to report though that the OW and I will no longer have any contact what so ever. Also, that I've already booked an appointment with a counsellor, and my W got a name of a counsellor yesterday.

As for what you said about it happening more than once, she has already asked my why I went a second time, when I new darn well after the first time that it was wrong. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I went the first time, never mind the second one. As for whether it was over or not, it was. I know, it's always over after you get caught, but the OW and I talked about it and had decided to go back to things the way they were. We both stood to lose too much, friendships, children, marriages, you name it, we didn't want to lose it. We did anyways. Damn that hurts.

I so wish I could turn back time and have the last few months to do over again. None of this would ever have happened.

My wife has opened up to me about a couple things from her past, I know that was VERY hard for her, but she talked to me about these things, and I love her even more than ever for sharing this very difficult information with me.

Jen Brown: I know I don't know you, but I swear to you that whatever it takes to make my marriage work, I'll do it. I am 100% dedicated to this.

As for you, don't give up. There's still hope that you'll find the man that you married. Ask him outright where that person's gone. Ask him what it'll take to bring him back. You're young still, there's time to work this out. But it'll only work if you both want it to.

Good Luck to all

Please keep posting, the information I'm getting here is helping my W and I alot.

sincerely, troubled in toronto

You might want to check out Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. I thought the book was very helpful in my situation. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, 16 married. Over the years we & especially I became more and more complacent, putting my time and energy into our children and their activities. We became a child centered couple and didn't really have much to say to one another on any other level. A couple of months ago, my husband became emotionally involved with a co-worker through numerous cell phone calls. He actually thought he was falling in love with her and had not been in love with me for some time. Boy, I must tell you that this revelation was a real wake up call for the both of us. I am still dealing with the anguish, fear, guilt and anger but am working on recovery. We have spent a tremendous amount of time together which is helping alot. He told me that he thought that what he really was infatuated with was not so much her but how he felt about himself when speaking with her. That it was just easy conversation without stress and he felt more himself which he hasn't felt in a long time.

It is really important to see the other perspective of the wayward spouse. Thank you for your post and honesty. The expressions of your sorrow and love for your wife give me great hope for my marriage. Good luck to you and don't give up on your wife. I think you can get through this if you are as committed as you seem.

Chris

I'm glad that you are posting on this website and reading the information. I am reading a lot of the information as well and I've been finding it very helpful. I didn't think it was possible to hurt so much and still actually live to breathe another day.

I really didn't think that I would ever be able to look at you or speak to you again...my first reaction was to just end it! What I was looking for on this website was for someone to tell me when you should even bother to try again...someone to tell me if it was worth the effort and the pain that would be involved. I couldn't find an answer anywhere...

As soon as I was able to look at you I knew my answer...as much as I wanted and tried to deny it. I have loved you for 13 years now...you were the one I wanted to spend my life with...to grow old with. As crushed as I feel inside for what you and K did I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself or my doubts if I didn't try to save my marriage...my life with you...and all our hopes and dreams for the future.

I'm terrifid inside that I won't be able to get through this...I'm terrified that these nightmare visions won't leave my head. I'm scared to death that you won't have the patience or the desire to fix our life. I'm scared that you don't truly know how much you two hurt everyone. But what scares me the more than anything is the thought of not having you in my life and in my dreams.

I so need to know why this happened and why it lasted. The words in that e-mail I found burn me like acid. Images of you two haunt me and I don't know how long it will last. I need to be able to trust in you again and I'm so scared that it won't happen.

These last two days of talking with you have given me hope as well as all the posts that I have been reading. I am frightend of what is ahead. I hope that we can go through some more of this information together. I truly do believe that we are worth it...that you and I are worth it.

Love,
your wife

Here is my reply-hope you are ready for it. My story also is similiar to yours. My H cheated with my best friend-although we were friends for only 5 years. We did everything together as families-from camping , to babysitting each others kids, to driving from Wa to Ca on vacation for a week. The OW and I went to every single concert we could go to-together!

My H's A lasted almost 2 years although it was not a constant thing with them-they would be off for months and then one of them would contact the other and they would fling once more................

My H told me of his A June 1, 1999 and to this day I suffer terribly-although as your wife said in her post-at least I can breathe.

It hurts and it hurts very bad. Your W, like me, lost a friend and her H. When this happens a person begins to trust no one-for if a friend and H can do this to you then who can we trust?

I am healing....slowly-but also have many hang ups now that never before existed. And in the almost 4 years since H told me I still do not have another friend. I do not want to let anyone possibly hurt me this way again-so I have built walls and barriers-which is a big No-NO but my way of dealing with it all.

I ahve been on medication-in fact I still am-have been to couseling-didn't help but I got a quack I do believe.

My H has stood by me the whole time-he has been very patient with my rude remarks and actions about his A. he loves me and I know this for a fact. And he is very remorseful and will never stop telling me so.

I hope you both have what it takes to get through this-but don't expect it to be easy...............

Thank you for the words, Heartache, they show that we are not alone in our situation.

I would like one question answered...how do I get the images out of my W's head? All she can picture is the OW and myself together, and I know this hurts her badly. I'm surprised she hasn't lost her mind with these things going through her head all the time. She's much stronger than I thought.

Any advice on this would be appreciated (again).

Thank you all

sincerely, troubled in toronto

Any normal person must go through "recovery" before they get anywhere close to getting over this. My road has been a long long one-as you can tell by the fact that I am here at MB after 4 years. I will admit though-I popped in today-I am by far not a regular here any more.

I went numb for the first 8 weeks. I think all I did was cry and think the worst possible and wonder over and over WHY. To this day I really do not know the exact why of why it happened. Then after 8 weeks of numb I got PISSED. I was so mad I threatened to go beat the *bleep* our of my friend. I can remember that anger so well-I was so so so mad. Then I went into just a slump. I ams till in the slump a bit but much much better than I ever imgained being 4 years ago.

Their A started on my 40th birthday so that was painful.

Also-a 1 time thing would be so much easier to deal with. But when it goes beyond once there is so much more deceit and lies and sneaking. It hurts to know the one person you trusted with everything in your life would ever cause you so much pain. I do realize now that my H's intention was not to cause me pain. We get along very well-we do not fight and were not having troubles in our marriage.

With OW and H it was the same thing-they flirted. My ex friend was always saying things that had a double meaning-but she did it all the time. I never ever ever suspected her and H of anything. This causes much pain too as it amkes me feel so blind and naive.

you see-if a person gets drunk or soemthing and stumbles into a bad situation one time it is going to hurt but it was based on that person not being his/her normal self. When a person goes back again and again well...................it takes planning. And if you have to plan then you have to be aware that what you are doing is BAD.

Please tell your W that her ex friend lost a good friend and it is not your W's loss but the other gals.

My ex friend and I did try talking about 16 months after D-Day but it turned out bad. She told me all the things like we will always be friends, I didn't mean to hurt you.......la de da. Bottom line is this-she chose to cheat on our friendship. I could have possibly forgiven her if she had been more remorseful. But she would finally admit to the A only to basically blame it all on my H.

It takes 2-all the way. I hope your W also realizes this. And I hope you will be there when she is angry at you just as well as on the good days.

I too had a huge problem with the OW being intimate with my man. It ate me up for a long time. I enver asked details of the actual affair as I really dont want those pictures in my head-I know what an A is and that is enough to know. But let your W know that bottom line is this: she knows you in ways the OW never will-and that is a fact!

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Any normal person must go through "recovery" before they get anywhere close to getting over this. My road has been a long long one-as you can tell by the fact that I am here at MB after 4 years. I will admit though-I popped in today-I am by far not a regular here any more.

I went numb for the first 8 weeks. I think all I did was cry and think the worst possible and wonder over and over WHY. To this day I really do not know the exact why of why it happened. Then after 8 weeks of numb I got PISSED. I was so mad I threatened to go beat the *bleep* our of my friend. I can remember that anger so well-I was so so so mad. Then I went into just a slump. I ams till in the slump a bit but much much better than I ever imgained being 4 years ago.

Their A started on my 40th birthday so that was painful.

Also-a 1 time thing would be so much easier to deal with. But when it goes beyond once there is so much more deceit and lies and sneaking. It hurts to know the one person you trusted with everything in your life would ever cause you so much pain. I do realize now that my H's intention was not to cause me pain. We get along very well-we do not fight and were not having troubles in our marriage.

With OW and H it was the same thing-they flirted. My ex friend was always saying things that had a double meaning-but she did it all the time. I never ever ever suspected her and H of anything. This causes much pain too as it amkes me feel so blind and naive.

you see-if a person gets drunk or soemthing and stumbles into a bad situation one time it is going to hurt but it was based on that person not being his/her normal self. When a person goes back again and again well...................it takes planning. And if you have to plan then you have to be aware that what you are doing is BAD.

Please tell your W that her ex friend lost a good friend and it is not your W's loss but the other gals.

My ex friend and I did try talking about 16 months after D-Day but it turned out bad. She told me all the things like we will always be friends, I didn't mean to hurt you.......la de da. Bottom line is this-she chose to cheat on our friendship. I could have possibly forgiven her if she had been more remorseful. But she would finally admit to the A only to basically blame it all on my H.

It takes 2-all the way. I hope your W also realizes this. And I hope you will be there when she is angry at you just as well as on the good days.

I too had a huge problem with the OW being intimate with my man. It ate me up for a long time. I enver asked details of the actual affair as I really dont want those pictures in my head-I know what an A is and that is enough to know. But let your W know that bottom line is this: she knows you in ways the OW never will-and that is a fact!

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tornto122:
<strong>Thank you for the words, Heartache, they show that we are not alone in our situation.

I would like one question answered...how do I get the images out of my W's head? All she can picture is the OW and myself together, and I know this hurts her badly. I'm surprised she hasn't lost her mind with these things going through her head all the time. She's much stronger than I thought.

Any advice on this would be appreciated (again).

Thank you all

sincerely, troubled in toronto</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tornto122 & mrs. Tornto122 (nini).

Use MB to care & protect you M. Read SAA & HNHN and actually all of the concepts are here. Concentrate on "How A should ends", ammends her appropriately. Recovery take time, those images would not be forgotten but forgiven. Follow 4 rules of recovery to its iota to care and protect your M !. Get conseling if you need it.

Good luck for both of you.

-rh-

Unfortunately, I doubt if the "images" will ever leave and years from now, there may be things that happen which will trigger insecurity in your wife. You can read some of the recovery stories on this website (IN RECOVERY). Some betrayed spouses still deal with triggers after 2 years of discovering their wayward spouses' affair.

All you can do is embrace the Marriage Building concept of Radical Honesty--answer all your wife's questions whenever and whatever. Just please, tell the truth.

Don't try to rebuild your marriage on a foundation of more lies. Please. Do not insult her intelligence by becoming a "protective liar" and withholding truth because you don't want to hurt her feelings.

Sure, some things are better left unsaid, but if she specifically asks questions of you please, please tell the truth.

But you know how when we get injured, putting disinfectant on the wound will sting at first, but then the healing can begin once it's clean?

When you lie to protect your wife's feelings, I guarantee you that the truth will come out eventually and the wound will be reopened just as if you never even tried to make it better.

And this so-called friend of hers has definitely disqualified herself for any type of relationship whatsoever... She was not her "best" friend. She was not even a true friend. And you--now you must work on being a better best friend to your wife as well.

Study the Basic Concepts. Fill out the Questionnaires. Do your work and homework. Reassure your wife moment by moment of your commitment. If it doesn't seem to work, do it all again. And keep doing it.

You have to rebuild your wife's trust by earning it all over again. I'm sure she has forgiven you, but new trust must be earned.