Hello,

After reading just about everything on this site, still don't know how to handle this.

About us:
I am the husband, 39.
She is 35. Looking younger for her age.
Married for 14 years. We have a daughter 11.

I never considered our marriage in trouble. Nothing that we couldn't work out. Until one day last November (2002), she fell into complete withdrawal. After several days of this (not talking, touching, kissing, smiling, etc), I asked what was going on. It was a shock!!! She told me that she doesn't love me and we must end our marriage. That's it. No choice, no sorting things out, no future.
I must say, that I've never seen her like that. She said, she was determined. And determined she was!!!!!

She remembered every single disagreement we ever had, every single disagreement she had with my parents, sister, you name it. She accused me of being insensitive, to have never brought her flowers, to have never really loved her, to have never care about our daughter.... It was horrible to see her like that. She cried without end... I tried to calm her, but she rejected me.

I didn't know what to do. It looked as if she was possessed. The roller coaster started....

We said each other awful things. Things that we didn't mean. We hurt each other. What a LB that and several nights following that one was.

To find some answers, I searched the Internet. I found MB. It was like I got up from a coma. I found out why I was behaving the way I was, and most importantly why she was behaving the way she was. We didn't meet each other needs, although I must admit that I was holding the 1st place on this one. I started to do everything around the house. I cooked, cleaned, washed, took care of everything only to hear her saying that that's not what she needs. What do you need honey, I asked. I want you out, was the response. She asked me to move out so that she can "think things over". I agreed, with the condition that we go to a MC. After the first (and only) session, I found out the hard way what a BAD MC was. Routine questions, quick answers. Verdict - no hope. NO HOPE?????!!!! You kidding me???? What a mistake. The MC was trying to convince my W that it's OK to get divorced. It was another blow to our marriage after all the LBs from before.

But wait, it gets better...

After I found a cheap basement apartment and was ready to move out, she tells me that I shouldn't be deprived of comfort and should stay in the house as she will rent an apartment for herself. She never had to look for an apartment or anything of that matter for herself before. All responsibilities such as finances, insurance, repairs, car, house, were mine. I tried before to show her how to manage our finances, but she was never interested. She told me she can't do this sort of thing. Boy, was she quick (and resourceful!) in finding an apartment. Knowing her, I would have never thought that she can do it without me. But she did!!! WOW!!! This is were it hit me!!!! My beautiful wife is having an affair!!! I must say that reading information on MB, one never thinks of clicking on "Infidelity" link. We tend to stick to LBs and ENs secretly thinking that this is not my case. I will avoid that. Admit it. You did. Didn't you?

But how do I know? I felt it. Just like everyone here. Felt it, but didn't want to admit it to myself. So I asked her. Is there anyone else? No, she says. What a terrible liar she is. I always like that in her. Just to spice my story a little bit, she told me that there is nobody else while I was giving her a full body massage, 8 hours before I caught them.

But wait, let's step back a little bit.... Back to the time when she decided to get the apartment....

I had hope. I was eager to accept that there is nobody in her life and by doing everything that MB recommends, kept my fingers crossed. But I had no way of stopping her from moving out, nothing would work, and she had no interest in anything that would help our marriage. I was as if she might find out something that will stop her from running away from me. She would get angry every time I would mention MB or anything that may change her mind. You should see the look she gave me when I mentioned the word "questionnaire". It wasn't good.

She moved out February 02, 2003 and I helped her. I should have had a camera. The move included our mattress, TV, VCR and a basement couch. The rest was a garbage bag of lingerie and two pillows. What a determined woman. She had to comeback home that night as she didn't have the basics with her. Later I had to get her the things she actually needed to survive in the apartment like dishes, pans, cutlery... I must add that her moving out put a considerable pressure on our finances. She gave up riding. I started to work overtime.

At this time she decides that our daughter needs a dog and quickly finds a beautiful Jack Russell terrier puppy. What a nightmare. Sleepless nights, cleaning after the dog, expensive shots, training... But I like the animal. Our daughter wants to be a vet. Good idea.

Until now the style of my story was somewhat humorous. This is to lure you, the reader, so that you keep interested. I need your help. I beg you. Read on.

I caught them while I came to her apartment on a Sunday morning to surprise her (hit and run) by cleaning the snow off her car in the parking lot (we live in Canada, eh) to discover that the car was not there. I called her cell (9:00AM) and asked her where she was. She answers, at the apartment, where else. We are not English speaking people, we speak Russian. She answered in English. When I asked her to tell me the same thing in Russian, she couldn't say a word. I told her that I am at the apartment building parking lot, that the car is not there. There was a lot of snow since last night and I cleaned it all for her. I told her that I knew who she was with (phone bills, internet, "good" friends), where she was, and I was betting that I know what she is wearing at the moment. I told her that she doesn't have to lie anymore, that I will call later so that she doesn't have to force herself in talking to me. Later when I called again, she was at the apartment. I told her that I don't judge her, that I understand why she didn't tell me (didn't want to hurt me), that I still love her and will give her all my support. For the first time in three months she told me good words. She told me that I talk like a friend would, and she appreciates it very much.

Since that day in November I thank God every time he gives me 4 hours of sleep at night. I cry every day. I hate myself for the things I did wrong. I am ready for anything to have my wife back. I am hurt for her and for my daughter, who begins to hate her mom. I hate the OP. I do everything to avoid LB. Plan A failed miserably. I assume because it was too late. What do I do next? She's in the classic "have her cake and eat it too" situation, although I see how she suffers. She told me on numerous occasions, that she is afraid to lose me (we don't have any family here, just the three of us), that she is afraid to make the wrong decision. At the same time, I know that she is seeing OP overnight. They work on the same floor, in the same building. I haven't had a good night sleep in over 5 months. I am depressed and have never been so low in my entire life, despite the fact that I survived a death threat. I wish I was on an emotional roller coaster. At least there are good moments when you're in one.

Please help!!!!!!!!!

Well, you have obviously already read a lot of this, but the "standard start for Betrayed Spouses", from my perspective, is in the link in my signature line, below.

BigStar,

Sorry you are here, but you have found a good place. I would strongly suggest that you post over in the GQ section as it has more traffic.

First, if you did the best Plan A you could, don't worry about it. It often doesn't end the A that is why there is a plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Second, the results of your plan A won't be known for a long time. But, when the affair ends, she will know you did your best to keep her.

Now, let's get down to serious business. That is taking care of your daughter and yourself. Since you are not sleeping much, you are hurting your D, yourself, and your job, not to mention your chances with your W. I suggest you go to a doctor and tell him what is happening in your life. He will probably prescribe some anti-depressants for you. Take them. They shouldn't make you drozey or anything if they do, get different ones. They will take the edge off of the ups/downs so that you can function better.

Your daughter needs her Dad functioning as well as she can. If you have done a good plan A, then I suggest you follow the rest of the plan and do a good plan B. It will make a world of difference to you. Your love for your W will last longer, you won't be so tortured by the ongoing A, and you will have the love and strength to work on the marriage when the A ends. It is very likely going to end.

Why? Well, he doesn't value marriage and family much, and your W is not someone he can trust. Not a good mix for a long term relationship is it?

Please take care of yourself and your D. Enjoy life with your daughter as much as you can, and go to Plan B with your W. She will NOT like it at first, or she may make no comments, but eventually it will start to wear on her. It also means that OM must meet all of her needs, and she won't get to eat cake. All of these things conspire to bring the light of day onto her affair.

I don't know Canada's divorce laws, but I would recommend that you see a lawyer about your liability for what W does. Your ability to keep custody of your daughter, and protecting yourself from an unforeseen events.

Must go. I hope this helps. I am sure others will post to you.

God Bless,

JL

It will be OK. It is not over unless you deceide it is. My H acted the same way almost 2 yrs ago. We are still together. If she will let you, plan A. If not go to plan B to protect yourself. She is in the fog. By the way, is the OM married? This relationship only has a 5% chance of survival now that it is exposed. ((hugs)). It will be ok. You are depressed, reactive depression, that is normal. For your daughter, please see a doc-Jersey girl

Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate it very much. As I said, we're alone in this country. No family members to talk to. And my friends and coworkers are probably sick and tired of my problems. Although still show a lot of support and give a lot of advise.

I went to the doctor, and had taken some pills which helped me sleep and mellowed my pain a bit.

Here is some more info:

OM has just separated from his GF when the affair started in August - September 2002. So he is single now. He is 4 years younger than her.

They started to see each other intimately March 08, 2003. My wife could not do it before moving out and convincing herself that it's OK first. She is convinced that now, when we live apart she has all the rights to do it, and does not hide it. The only person she didn't tell anything yet, and is affraid to do so is our 11 year old daughter. She says that she doesn't consider this to be an affair at all. She is just "seing someone" while "sorting things out". It hurts to see how inconciderate she is of my feelings. She tells me of her plans for the week-end with him. And certainly thinks that I have no right to interfere with them. She was such a caring wife and mother. I can't beleive she can hurt us so much with a smile on her face. She looks so happy.

I would recommend that you do a Plan B and at the same time protect your assets by closing your joint account and joint credit cards. She needs to see that the consequence of her actions is the strong possibility that you will divorce her and move on. Focus on yourself and become the confident person that you were before you got married. If need be go for therapy and resolve personal issues. Do things that make you feel good. Buy a new wardrobe. Do activities that enable you to socialize with other people. Take classes in ballroom dancing, tennis, sailing, karate, etc. Once you detach and stop all contact and stop thinking about what she is doing you will find yourself becoming emotionally stronger and more calm. What you need to believe is that you will be happy again with or without your wife.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: tomaz ]</small>