This is my introduction to the message board, since I've spent a good week reading this site and believing Dr. Harley is a blessing in disguise for putting so much good work out for the public to read and use with no expectations of profit. God bless him. I finally was able to order Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs last night from Amazon.com once I made sure all our bills were paid and we could afford the expense. I apologize at the length of this introduction. I will try to break it up into two or three messages.
I am a military wife. My husband is in the Navy. We are both 32 (well, he will be 32 in a little over a week!) have two children together. Our son is 15 and our daughter is 8. As you can tell, we started together early. We met when we were 13. And its been a rollercoaster ever since. We had our son when we were 16. He left us for the Marine Corps after our son's 1st birthday. Everyone was certain it was over, except me. I knew if I just hung in there, I'd eventually be his wife. I watched him date other people, spent time writing him while he was overseas. He would pull me in and push me away. I engaged in the same drama. We were young, so I can look back and shake my head and not feel too badly. I bided my time, believing that my love and faith in him was enough to eventually bring us back together.

By the time our son was almost 5, we ended up in close proximity to each other. We had not laid eyes on each other in 4 years. He drove up to my grandmother's where I was living temporarily to see his son. I was so scared. I had gained a lot of weight over the years (depression), and at 4'11.5", I weighed 165 lbs when he came to see us. He wasnt impressed at all with my looks, but *damn* he had grown up to be a fine looking man. It practically hurt to look at him. I was again smitten and infatuated. We spent several days together, chatting, catching up... and I guess he realized we had never really ended it. He told me he compared all his girlfriends with me and some would get so mad when he talked about me with them. They'd tell him to shut up about me. =) By the end of the week, he was looking at being a father to his son and could see himself with me agian- but my weight was an enormous issue for him. I ended up making him laugh at himself over his problems with my weight and I assured him I was going to get it under control, but what did that matter if we werent a couple anyway?
One month later, he called to ask if I would marry him. He wanted to give his son a home with both parents (something he did not have- his mother was a drug addict, an alcoholic , and prone to irresponsible behavior- PeterPan complex). He told me he loved me. I knew he really didnt mean it the way I wanted it to be, but that was enough. I loved him and I was sure, once we were together, Id give him the home he wanted. We married December 17, 1992 at Camp Lejeune, NC. Our son turned 5 the next month.

Within months I had found a letter he had written to a girl he had dated once right after he asked me to marry him. It was a goodbye letter, and he was telling her how sexy she was. It hurt me, but I knew what I was getting into, right? So after the initial "I caught you!" (no screaming, no yelling, I handled it with some anger then switched to humor)...he dropped it right away and never looked back. In the back of my head, I just knew Id never live up to 'sexy'...and I began getting depressed again.
Our sex life has *never* been a problem. Its something we have always been very good at together. On average, 3-4 times a week. He wasnt affectionate, but I figured if we were having good sex, I could handle it. And he was telling me he loved me. When we moved to Twentynine Palms, CA, I found out I was pregnant. We'd been married about two years. We were both excited. However, I know that he was still thinking our marriage was a temporary situation. I think he wanted me to get on my own two feet so I could provide a stable home. He never flat out told me that back then, but I think I could sense it.

During my pregnancy, I gained an additional 30 pounds and by the end of my pregnancy I weighed 200 pounds. We had our daughter, a little girl we both wanted. However, things werent right at home. He was playing softball twice a week, which wouldnt have been a problem, but I wasnt interested in being a part of it. I wouldnt go watch him. Then he started driving to Las Vegas for the weekends with single guys. They would pay him for the transportation so he was able to use that as an excuse and I was stupid enough to allow it. We were poor, so any money was welcome. I turned a blind eye and started isolating myself even more. Then he started going to Pheonix, where his family was. It was there he began an affair with a young single mom who had no idea he was still married. He told her he was seperated and had one child. Problem is, Id just had our daughter. Now, this affair of his was physical without involving intercourse. They would make out and go dancing at the clubs. She was thin. When I found out (I found her phone number and address in his softball bag), I made him call her in front of me to tell her he was married and that it was over. When he told her he was married, I could hear her start crying. I felt so bad for her, I took the phone and told her to please not be sad. I apologized for my husband's behavior. My husband sat there looking so sad and ashamed of himself. After I spoke to the girl, who after I made her laugh (I had declared Id kick him a few times for her), assured me she had not slept with him, they'd only made out...I even spoke to the girl's mom. The girl's mom advised me to divorce him. I told her I had too much to lose, but I thanked her for caring.
He told me that it was just "nice to have a girl who looked like that, like me." I had never felt all my weight like I did then. I suddenly felt like I was too big to even fit in the room. Again, after I got to play the "Aha! I caught you!" scene, I tried to lighten things up in the house. But I never forgot that feeling. Its been wiggling in the back of my head for years. I felt betrayed, worthless, and ugly. And resentful..oh, so much resentment,Im amazed I didnt choke on it. But...I knew whatIw as getting into when I married him, right? And that's what I kept telling myself.

We left Twentynine Palms and I went to stay with my parents while my husband headed to Okinawa, Japan. He was converting his unaccompanied orders to accompanied and it was going to take some time. My parents are very controlling. They have never liked my husband and they didnt miss an oppurtunity to remind me. Which made the coming humiliation even worse. My husband was brought up on charges of sexual harrassment and fraternization with a woman in his section. When he explained the situation he started crying, saying "Im so scared you are going to leave me." I started bawling and assured him I wasn't going to leave him. I loved him too much. I did say I was angry, that he would put himself in a situation that would allow false charges of sexual harrassment, but I didnt believe a word of it. I knew my husband that much. They were in Thailand and he was asked to chaperone two females to a local club. This was the only time he'd been off their ship to go to town. They offered to pay for the motel room. He agreed (what the hell was he thinking??? He says now, that he wasnt. He was sure Id never find out he'd been to a club so he didnt see the harm) One of the females hooked up with another Marine. Leaving my husband and the female corporal in teh room alone. He began sleeping on the floor (their ship's airconditioning wasnt working, so a night in air conditioning sounded good to both of them). He ended up on the bed because he got cold. This is where the story changes- he says he woke up with his arm over her breasts and he immediately jumped up out of the bed. She made claims that he demanded sexual favors (which is strange because he didnt even work in her section and was not her boss, had no power over her career at all). My husband would rather slit his own throat than force himself on a woman. Period. I knew it, and reading the court documents was enough for me to know she was lying. After they left the motel they had breakfast together with members of their crew. In front of others, the woman asked him to go shopping with her. He told her he was sorry, but he was heading back to the ship because he was going to meet a friend to go shopping for his wife. She said fine. She reported his 'harrassment' a week later. Luckily, through witnesses and both of their testimonies, they found him not guilty. The woman who brought him up on charges is now a civilian, dishonorably discharged for two affairs with two married men (both her supervisors). She claimed one of the affairs was actually sexual harrassment. *sigh* I was just glad I stood by my husband. He got his orders changed to accompanied, and we joined him a few months after in Okinawa.

I arrived in Okinawa both relieved but even more resentful with his behavior in Thailand. I now knew of two occassions where he placed himself in inappropriate relationships. I felt even more worthless and ugly. But instead of trying to fix myself and be what he wanted (or what I thought he wanted), I isolated myself even more. He started playing softball A LOT. I dug in even more. Yet our sex life continued unabated. We've always done that right. hahah. I didnt lose any weight. I worked for a short time, but I didnt enjoy it. So he told me to quit. A few months after that he asked if I wanted to go to college. I have always wanted to. He wanted out of the Marine Corps. The Thailand event had left a sour taste in his mouth. I had recently found the internet and what a relief it was. We did some research and I enrolled. The plan was that Id go to college while he kept the kids in Okinawa until he got out (about 9 months). In the back of my head, I was thinking he seemed real happy to get rid of me. I left for college. My children were 3 and 9.

I was shocked by school and I didnt function well on my own. I sat in my dorm room and ate. I gained more weight. I was miserable. I did make some friends (Im a roleplayer), but I missed my family. My H called to say that he wanted to bring the kids earlier than we planned. I was frantic, trying to find us a place through student housing. I got one, but by that time I was also even more resentful that he tried to guilt trip me when I complained that it wasnt part of the plan. He said I didnt want them there and I caved in, feeling so guilty. He dropped off the kids in late November. He stayed about 5 days and left before my finals. I missed most of my finals- I had no sitter, no car, no furniture. He left us like that. To this day he apologizes for it. At the time, though, he was being extremely selfish and I just continued to stuff my resentment. He got out of the Corps in the spring. I had gotten a car using my student loans and moved us into a 3bdrm student housing unit all by myself. My grades were good, I was feeling better. He came home and got a management job almost immediately. He quit it after two days. I couldnt beleive it. Then he decided to go into restaurant mangement and worked for McD's. It paid well and I was ok with it. I just wanted him to work. But he started staying out with 'the crew' until 4am. Im not stupid, I knew a girl was involved. I told him it was so disrespectful of him to do that to me. I didnt mention my suspicions. I started isolating myself from him, using the internet and playing Ultima Online as much as I could. I played my games with my friends on the weekends and tried to ignore what was going on. Eventually, I caught the girl leaving messages on our voice mail and I called her at work and screamed at her- making her cry. I found out that they were just flirting and hanging out- no sex was involved. BUt he had even had to ask her if something was going on between them, so again, he was allowing himself to be involved in an inapprpriate relationship.

After he ended it with her he quit his job and demanded we move to Bellevue/Omaha. That's where we met. It was an hour away. He even went so far as to find an apartment without me knowing and getting a job there. He showed up at home saying he got us a place and we were moving. I hadnt finished my finals at the University I loved. I wasnt even halfway to my degree yet. But I was too scared to let him go. I was too much in love to do it, and too scared he'd leave if I refused. So I went. I blew the finals for that semester, too. My GPA is totally screwed up, sitting at a 2.1 now. My husband changed jobs twice in Bellevue. I withdrew into EverQuest (my new game of choice at the time) and I stopped cleaning house. At one point we even agreed to seperate, and the next day we were rolling around on the floor together like maniacs. Like I said, sex.. we've always been good at. I asked to go to counseling. He agreed. We never went... Soon after, he annunced he was taking a job out of state and we were moving. I had to quit attending the college (UNO). Resentment reared its head but I stuffed it...because I didnt want him to leave me. The day we left for Tennessee I found a letter from a girl telling him she understood that he was choosing to stay with his wife and she cuold live with that. I eman, literally the day we left...I was packing our final things when I found it. I blew up. He told me to just leave then, drive to my parents house. I told him to get his [censored] in the car. He said she was just a girl that hung out with him and his friends and she had been interested in him but it never got physical. We moved to Tennessee. He changed jobs twice. I lost my own car (repo'd) and had to quit college again because I had no transportation. Anger, anger, anger....I escaped into EverQuest. I stopped cleaning for months at a time and even stopped showering and changing clothes during some periods. I was miserable. I wouldnt go out with him and the kids. I had them go out alone. Id stay online, pretending to be someone else. I gained even more weight, hitting 220. Our sex life never suffered, though it wasnt spectacular.. I look back now, and I think it was the only way we were continuing a bond. He moved us to Hopkinsville and while I was staying at my parents we had an argiment over the phone (he had started commuting to Nashville). I had tried to call him at work and he wasnt there. When I grabbed him by his cell phone he was out with the boys at a restaurant. I was just so mad, I said I couldnt trust him. He said, "Im tired of dealing with you." At that point I was so into denial about anything being my fault that I didnt understand what he meant, so I reacted in anger. He stayed overnight at a friend's (male) house. The next day, I packed his bags. We were getting a divorce. I was devastated. My parents were triumphant- they'd told me he'd planned to dump me there and I absolutely rejected that notion.

I see it now, but at the time I was working a partial Plan B. I wouldnt take his phone calls...caller ID showed who it was and Id let our son pick it up. If he tried to engage me in conversation Id explain that I wasnt going to be his friend now that I was no longer his wife. He made his choice and he no longer 'had to deal with me'. He ouwld visit the kids as often as he could and every so often I would go out with them. he said it was because he knew I didnt get out much (it was true) and he wanted to give me breathing room from my parents. One day I had enough to hire a lawyer to pay for a no-fault divorce. He drove me and the kids to the office. The lady told me how much it would be and I was surprised how cheap it was (I thought it would be a lot more expensive and more complicated). I looked over at him and I asked, "Want me to file today?" And I looked on in disbeleif at my macho jock husband in tears at the lawyer's office. He said we'd talk about it later. I remember the shock on the paralegals' face. It must not happen there very often. Later that day, my husband asked if we could please go to counselling. I agreed. We moved into our own home in Hopkinsville (just a mile away from my parents) and we went to one session. I was very hopeful. But wouldnt you know... my Husband decided he wanted a new job back in Omaha. I couldnt beleive it. We'd already moved 3 times in a year. Didnt matter, he made up his mind. So, because we didnt have enough money to move all of us, he went ahead and stayed witha friend (a guy I cant stand, but he is married with children, at least) for -7- months until we worked out a way to meet him up there. By the time we moved back to Bellevue, my car had broken down and Id gone 5 months having transportation help from my mom. We couldnt afford a moving van so we stored EVERYTHING we owned in a storage facility. We had to repo my car again...we didnt have the money to fix it.

This was June 2001. Id managed to bring my computer and our clothes. During our seperation, he had changed jobs 3 times. We showed up in the 2 bdrm apartment and he had gone to a rental place for furniture. Once the time was up I had every piece taken back- those places are ripoffs. We bought a couch and a chair from the salvation army. My kids slept on those thin bunkbed mattresses on the floor. We slept on a futon mattress on the floor in our room. That was it. I managed to get a $5 coffee table that we used to eat with. Id sit on teh floor with my computer to play games. He had come to Nebraska with our microwave and a tv, so we had that. H hooked me up with cable internet and digital cable. Then he quit his management job and took a $7000 pay cut to work for a concrete company. Emotionally, I was at the end of my rope. I continued to ignore things at home and played EverQust. Things are so much nicer in a game you can control and have fun and friends in. Eventually, I reconnected with my college buddies and I even spent weekends gaming with them- instead of staying home with my husband and kids on the weekends. I am ashamed of this now, but at the time, I had so much resnetment and anger, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and needed- and my friends did that for me. I had plenty of sex at home, but no affection. I would show him affection when I got the nerve, but it wasnt reciprocated, so I shut down. Im ashamed of this too. Sex was the only way I got his attention.

September 11. As former military, we felt totally out of the loop. We discussed it and he called some recruiters. The Navy slobbered all over him. Since the Marine Corps wouldnt give him his rank back, and the Navy would, he went Navy. He left to re-enlist December 1. We were so happy. I was so proud of him. Between September and December he had tried to back out, even said he was going to move to Arizona and sicne I refused to go to Arizona, he tried to act like we could live apart and stay married. I absolutely had a fit. I told him if he didnt get his [censored] to that re-enlistment station, he should look for an apartment ASAP, because I had HAD IT. I have never, ever put my foot down before. To this day, he thanks me for doing so. Going into the Navy was the best decision we ever made. We got our assignment to Guam, and after visiting with my parents for two months while he went to MA school, we all left for this tropical island. we arrived here March 25, 2002.

During the time I was at my parents I had lost some weight. By the time we arrived in Guam I weighed 213. I swore I was going to work or take college classes. I was going to lose weight. We were all over each other. It felt like the honeymoon we never had. Sex was never better and I had started to be even more aggressive, and he was just having a ball. I can easily say that those days when we first came here, were the happiest moments in my life. My face literally hurt from all the smiling I was doing. I was exercising with the kids in the hotel pool. I was watching what I ate. He was so attentive and sweet..I fell in love all over again. There was the man I knew he could be. We moved into our government home- the largest space we have ever lived in (its formerly Officer housing). And then our household goods arrived- along with a new computer. We got digital cable, calbe internet, and soon had three computers up and running. I crashed and burned pretty quickly, Im ashamed to say. Started playing EverQuest day and night, forgetting to shower sometimes...stopped exercising. I gained 15 pounds. I had hit my highest weight of 228 pounds. I looked and felt like hell.
Again, our sex life still was great (better than the other years, in fact), but I could feel him pull away. In November I started snapping out of *my* fog. Something was wrong. I would ask if he was happy. He'd say "OF course!" But I could see he wasn't. I'd ask what was on his mind, he'd say work. I finally realized I couldnt be happy if I didnt make myself happy. I couldnt expect him to be everything for me, if I wasnt being everything for him. After a few false starts, and surviving a Supertyphoon, and 3 weeks with no power...I finally got it going. A neighbor gave me her treadmill. January 1st I weighed 228 pounds. By January 30 I weighed 220. But my husband wasn't really excited. He has seen this before. I stopped spending all my time on teh computer. If he was home, I was NOT on it. But he continued to ignore me. I was getting frustrated.

February of this year was the best month for me. Ever. I was walking 2 miles 5 days a week. I was feeling like I had finally gotten a handle on myself. I was keeping track of my calories and posting them on the refrigerator. I was tracking my fitness. Mid-February, my husband started paying attention to me. I was showering every day, asking to go out more. I was even more active in bed and just saying some of the wildest things.... one night I thought my husband would have a heart attack LOL. I bought lingerie! By the end of February he seemed interested in what I was doing. But my gut started telling me something was up. It had been eating and eating at me. Back in November I had caught my husband looking at those online single meeting sites. He promised not to do it and I had promised to work harder with the house and losing weight. Of course, I didnt really get started til January, so I guess he had given up on me again, because Febraury 27th, I found a new link to a new dating site. I was sooo pissed off. Porn doesnt bother me at all- I look at more porn than he does (I get some good ideas and such). But those sites just raise alarm bells.

I found a keylogger to track his useage and I got his passwords to his email accounts. I had read his profile at the dating site and it made me sick. "Seperated, with children." "seeking relationship and maybe something more" Andmore crap about seeking a faithful, honest, and trusting female. How communication was important. *gag*
I debated for a full day before logging into his email accounts. I even delted the keylogger at one point. Then my gut was screaming at me that I needed to know who he was writing. I knew he was up to something. Even if it was just to get an idea of how many sites he belonged to. I opened up his email account and I couldnt believe what I was reading.

He was writing the OW, telling her he couldnt wait til they were living under one roof. That he loved her and couldnt wait to make love to her. That when they were together they had to keep communication open and how they should make time for themselves every couple weeks and not forget the kids (he meant ours). I wanted to vomit. The last time he had written her was February 13. He had not written her back since. None of her emails were in there, they were all deleted. He hadnt realized, though, that anything he wrote would be saved in the SENT folder. What is strange is that there were only emails in there from this month. And that she wasnt the only lady he was writing. Another was there and he would sign them Love You. And refer to himself as a loved one. But nothing sexual. Nothing overtly bad, except commenting that he would have sent her a valentines gift if he had her address. He didnt buy me anything (but I didnt get him anything either, opting to see if I got anything first ). He also was offering to send her money. The last time he wrote her was February 22. And that was it. My D-Day was February 28...the day I weighed in at 215 pounds and had felt so good about myself.

I confronted him March 1st. I didnt tell him how Id gotten in, but I let him think a hacker friend of mine (I have several online), taught me how. But once I said her name (the OW) and the name of his online 'friend'... he just slumped. He admitted to having a physical affair with her in December 2001- when he was up at TPU Great Lakes re-enlisting. No sexual intercourse, but they did make out in her car. They also went to a movie together and out a few time to the mall. It lasted roughly 3 weeks. He broke it off when we got here and she wrote him again last November. He spoke to her by phone twice after she had a surgery (she is also active duty, so she was able to track him to his new duty station using BUPERS resources). We had this discussion in a public place because I didnt want our kids getting wind of it. The other girl is just an online flirtation. The OW, he had decided to break things off mid-February when he saw the huge changes Id been making. Which would coincide with the ending of emails from him to her.

I told him he chose to have an affair during the time I was the most proud of him. He had the good graces to look like I had socked him in the gut.

I demanded his contact with BOTH of them end. He agreed. He has not changed the passwords to his account. He wont until I feel confident in him again. It might be a long while. He of course has no idea Im watching all the time. I'll stop watching when I feel more trusting.

He is relieved I found out, even though he had already ended it (though he never told her. He just stopped writing). There has been no screaming or yelling in all of this. I chose to handle it with as much grace as I possibly could muster. I also wrote an admission and let him read it- that I understand my responsibility in fostering an unhealthy and lonely environment. Its like we were bothin a fog and Im finally able to see.

It hurts terribly, but I have a very hopeful outlook. I have now lost 21 pounds since January 1st and my husband works out with me. We are cuddling (never did that before) and I am trying to get used to asking for what I want. I keep our house clean and now Im looing for a job.
I am not scared anymore.
This website is a blessing. It really is.

BW- 32 years old
WH- almost 32 (in one week!)
11 years married, together off and on since age 13.
Hopeful!

mojodiva,

Your screen name matches with you, it is you. You are very strong woman to steer your M in the path of fullfilling one single handedly. I hope you take this blessing to help other in despair.

-rh-

Thank you redhat!
I am very happy to report that my husband sat down with me last night and filled out the EN questionairre. It meant so much to me. swe had a real good discussion.

Im guessing I should probably be posting in the Recovery forum? Since the affair and internet relationship is over?

I wanted to do my intro before I tried to give anyone else advice.
NIce to meet you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you redhat!
I am very happy to report that my husband sat down with me last night and filled out the EN questionairre. It meant so much to me. swe had a real good discussion.

Im guessing I should probably be posting in the Recovery forum? Since the affair and internet relationship is over?

I wanted to do my intro before I tried to give anyone else advice.
NIce to meet you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mojodiva -

Man, what a story you have there! I've been lost on the Internet, too (still am, or why would I be here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) and I know how hard it is to break the habit.

But it's -possible-. And worth it! You'll find (probably already have) that time runs at a different pace out in the world than it does online. You can get SO much done if you're not on the computer! It only takes an hour a day to keep a sparkling house, and only a little more than that to cook for the whole family.

Keep going with the walking, and look for other exercise, too. It's great that you're working out together!

And don't give up on the education, either. You have the resources of the military on your side now; take advantage of them! They usually have tons of classes on big bases, and Guam is huge. Use them a LOT!

And stay off the games! (So hard to do, but so worthwhile!)

J- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I've been a beta tester of several games over the past couple years and he was very shocked when I gave away my last two beta accounts (Shadowbane and Planetside). I quit EverQuest (after three years played) two months ago- he was still in his fog so he didnt even notice. I do plan on buying Star Wars Galaxies when it comes out this summer, but I will only play a few hours a day and ONLY when he is not home. As soon as he is home or available or I can meet him somewhere, Im off. HE doesn't want me to give up the games, because he knows I get enjoyment out of them, but also because he has his own hobby as well (softball), and he doesnt feel its fair that he can keep his and I give up all of mine. He has promised to make sure I dont slip, though, which is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have learned that, yes, when Im on top of it,a clean house takes about an hour. What a relief! And now Im standing up for myself more with my kids and they are actually cleaning their own rooms!!! Cut my cleaning time by a lot! It actually seemed to please my husband when he realized I was staying firm with the kids and refusing to do things for them that we both knew they could do on their own.

We are talking about going to Naples for our next station. Won't be until 2005, but Im looking for a job here for a little while. My H says that I could also just go to school full time through University of Maryland. Its up to me. As long as I am doing *something* outside the house. It was one of his ENs- a spouse that is helping provide (especially now that our children are older and dont need a full-time stay at home mom).

Im feeling very positive today.

Yes, H purchased me a VCR/DVD combo set for the livingroom so now I can do my aerobic tapes (and I haev!) and my workout DVDs. And now that we are going to the gym together...Im getting the variety I was craving. Im already ahead of my weight goal for the month so Im very happy.

Im sure there will be days when I come in here and whine. But I am aware that Im in a more positive situation than a lot of other posters, and I should look at that as a gift.

Mojo-

Hi! I just wanted to say "kudos" for sticking with your husband through all of this~ looks like it's paying off. And congratulations on your decision to take care of yourself... that's awesome! Redhat wasn't kidding when he said you were strong. I'm amazed at your diligence and your determination to make your marriage work.

I guess there was one thing about your story that concerned me; mainly because I could relate to it. I hope you don't see this as a flame or trying to be hurtful; because it's not. It's just something that I dealt with, and didn't see for way too long and in your post, I saw a lot of the same indicators. Your children were conspicuously absent in your post. You mentioned their existence, but you also mentioned in their more than once how you neglected your family for the computer. I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but...

You mentioned you were a heavy gamer; addicted to gaming. It's good that you've given that vice up, my concern was that you mentioned that you were going to buy the new Star Wars game, but only play it for "a few hours a day." I can be literal, so when you say that, I tend to think that you're talking about 3-4 hours a day. Do you have that much time to devote to that? I might be over-sensitive to this issue, because during my A, I became VERY addicted to chat-rooms... I knew they were a TOTAL time drain, but I didn't want to miss seeing my OM there, and then after the A had ended, I just liked conversing with these online people. I told myself I wasn't addicted, it wasn't a big deal... but I was wrong. It most certainly was.

The amount of time I spent there was a complete detrement to my family and my children. I'm sure you've noticed something to the same effect when you were on your Everquest sprees (off note here, but isn't it wild how some people will play it until they DIE??? That seems SOOO far gone to me). I told myself, well the house is picked up (though it could have been much better, it was clean yet cluttered...) and the kids enjoy playing with themselves or watching tv or .... What I didn't see is that although I wasn't LEGALLY neglecting them, I was neglecting the full responsibility (which is a privelege) that I had towards them. I missed many opportunities to strengthen our relationship and expand their minds for something that has NO lasting value. And, when I realized that, boy did that hurt. I can never get that time back with them, but I can make the future so much better for them.

What's my point and how is it relevant to you? My point is that I'm wondering if there might be better ways to spend those three or four hours (or a good chunk of them, anyway) a day in a way that might better benefit yourself and your family. I guess I'm wondering if perhaps your kids might be a little resentful of how much of their lives you have spent on the computer. If that's the case, then perhaps it might be good to take some of that computer time doing some stuff (as recompense and because it's a good thing to do, anyway) that your children would appreciate... it's not just about not playing the computer when your husband's home... your kids are equally important. I'm not saying that you don't love your children... and they're obviously not young. I don't know much about 15 year old boys~ maybe all they want is to be left alone (though my immediate thought is that aren't 15 year olds into the computer?.. if they are, could he play WITH you?)~ but I do know a few things about 8 year old girls.

My own children are 4 and 5 years old; but we have a little 8 year old that comes over on a regular basis to hang out at our house. She plays with my girls some, but mainly she wants to hang out with me. We make cookies, and paint fingernails~ I have art stuff out for the girls to draw and make stuff and we do projects. At first, I was a little suprised, because we have another little 8 year old girl that she could be playing with next door. But, she told me that Lindsey (my daughter) is always talking about the fun stuff that we do at home (we do things by weeks... a couple of weeks ago, we studied Japanese cultures, last week it was farms, and this week it's zoo animals, next week it's the military) and that she doesn't do any of that stuff and she wanted to. Now her mom is a SAHM, so I asked what her mom does with her. Her answer? Oh mom's home, but she watches TV. That totally broke my heart, because I knew that a year ago (or less, really) my children could have said the same thing~ just substitute computer for TV. I don't know her mom well enough to intrude on their family life, but I have encouraged the little girl to ask her mom to do things and let her know she's always welcome to come and play with us. I have asked her about the things she likes to do, so that we can incorporate some of the stuff she likes as well; maybe it will be helpful to you? (if not, just ignore it)... she likes the baking, she likes the Sherlock Holmes stories I read to them, she enjoys doing "girl stuff" (which is, by definition, playing dress up in my clothes... I let the little girl try on my wedding dress and she was in seventh heaven!!!, doing fingernails and fixing up their hair... if they've been really good, they get to have a dab of perfume~ that's a RIOT to watch them go nuts over!) and generally just sitting around talking with me. Anyway, I know this little girl would LOVE to have her mother doing some of this stuff with her~ she's said as much. I'm just wondering if she might enjoy some of that time with you.

Calypso,
I don't take your post as a flame at all. =)
Before I quit EverQuest for good (about the last 2 months), I only played when my kids were in school. Before that, yes, my son and I played the game together. We have three computers networked. We even tried to get my H involved, but he is more action oriented and doesnt like to sit that long. I am getting to that place slowly. =)

My daughter is a social butterfly. She flits in and out, constantly with her little gang (its hilarious- you can literally watch her walk into the circle and see the kids flock to her). I have asked if she wants to do sports here, but its mainly soccer, and she shows no interest. She used to do gymnastics but there isnt anyting in Guam worth putting her in. We talk a lot together and watch television. When I start running (gotta hit 180pounds first!), she is going to be my 'pacer' because she *is* into running track soon. (My husband is a former track 'star')

My kids are a lot more independent than I am, so they like to do things on their own. I have recently started buying UNO cards, monopoly and we bought Life a few weeks ago. We started having family game night last month (like I said, February was a wonderful month for me!). My daughter tried to teach me how to play Pokemon, but it was a bit over my head, LOL.

My neglect was more about housekeeping and taking care of myself. And then when I shut myself from my husband I just couldnt even bring myself to leave the house with them as a family for about a year. Im terribly ashamed of my reactions, but I am close to forgiving myself for not knowing a better way to cope.

Also, when everyone is at work and at school, Im here alone. No car, no friends (my only friend here is active duty so she works during the day, and my neighbors all work outside the home- Im the only stay at home mom on our block). My best friend and her husband play games with me and of course, my gaming guild, who have been very supportive of my quitting EverQuest.

I know a part of it is for me to prove I can do it right. =)

My husband sat with me a couple nights ago and filled out the EN questionaire. Next week we are doing the Love Busters. He says he is very proud of the changes I have made and hopes I can keep them up. I told him the same...but of course more kisses wouldnt hurt! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My BIL/SIL were posted in Guam up until last year, so I know what you mean about not much to do. She hit the gym DAILY and spent a lot of time at the local KMart! lol They had a LOT of computer parties there while they were ISLAND bound... they hopped over to Hawaii a lot, too...
Hey, maybe ya'll could go hiking for airplane wreckage (BIL said there was LOTS of that there)? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway, good to hear that things are so well under control for ya'll!!

Its so funny your bring up the wreckage! I was just telling H yesterday that I hope when I start hiking and kayaking he will come with me. He got very excited at the prospect.

I don't expect to be able to hike really well until about October. And Im not sure when I can fit into a kayak, but there are beginner routes that I hope to be able to do by my 33rd birthday (March next year!).

Today my husband takes me to the gym to workout again. He's decided to be my coach. He's very good at it, and it makes me feel special that he has become involved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mojodiva:
<strong>Today my husband takes me to the gym to workout again. He's decided to be my coach. He's very good at it, and it makes me feel special that he has become involved.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are killing many birds at once <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , you are killing me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Simple going to gymn gain many LB$ both ways <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Beside EN, it is quality time since you are interacting in the gymn.

-rh-

Duplicate message, one of many. Sorry!!

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Duplicate, duplicate, duplicate....

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, H purchased me a VCR/DVD combo set for the livingroom so now I can do my aerobic tapes (and I haev!) and my workout DVDs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You go girl! Dunno if you're up to 'em yet, but try The Firm for workout videos. (Do NOT do them with weights the first time through!!!)

You'll hurt better than you've ever hurt before.

Having been a games addict myself, I'm debating about whether I agree with everyone else about the Star Wars game. I guess what I'd do is test it: If you can set a timer for some REASONABLE amount of time (half an hour? an hour?) and stop when the timeer goes off, go on with your day, and not crave it, you're probably all right.

If you can't, or if you have to set the timer for three or four hours to get your "fix" in, then you're probably better without the games altogether.

It's a tough call, really. How is this forum better or worse than games, for example? How is TV better or worse? I guess it all comes down to what's healthy for you and your family.

But definitely, the workouts with your spouse are the best way to go! When we used to do that (back in the days before the baby and the new house), it was one of my favorite times to spend with my partner. Someday, maybe, we'll get back to it

Duplicate message. I'm so embarassed! I should put jokes in here or something....

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Hi,

I don't have much time right now, but I will say, EQ, there is a reason why its other name is Evercrack. My H plays it. However in our situation, it keeps him home more, so the jury is still out if it is good or bad.

Everyone.... ((SUE)) ((REDHAT)) ((JofHJK)) and ((Calypso))

big moment today. I actually spoke to the OW. She had sent an email to my husband's email account (he has kept the account password so I may check it at any time) and placed her new phone number there. I just could NOT resist a chance to rip the OW a new one. So I called.

She sideswiped me... said she didnt know he was married. (but strangely, she did know my name). She alleges he told her he was divorced and had full custody of the kids and that I had allowed him to take them here to Guam. She also said they had sex in her car once, and yes, they used a condom. She claims he is the one that called her, contacted her at work and continued to pursue her. We talked for almost two hours. We even laughed (can you believe it?) over some of the things she said he did.

But some of the things she said didnt make sense, and my own alarms were going off, so I did take what chances I had to make slight digs in her direction (I guess I should feel ashamed about it, but I don't). I told her how I wouldnt have known about their affair at all since our sex life was astounding when we reunited and came to Guam and that the myth of a sex life getting worse during an affair was bogus since its even better now. I also told her how he was using an online dating service to browse single women in her area (Virginia) during the same period they were sharing emails about living together.

All in all..I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. I believe they did have a "one night stand" and that she did know about me, but may hve been under the impression he was going to leave me (which is his assertion). She continually brought up the possibility that I might call her command and ruin her career- I of course told her I would never, ever harm someone's career in the military. Just something in her voice during the time we talked and the way she remained so calm when I said I was his wife...I have a feeling she did know, but she is scared I'll hurt her by naming her with the military.

I knew I had forgiven my husband when it didnt hurt one iota when she recounted their sex in the car or their dates. It didnt matter. I have moved beyond that.

My husband called while I was on the phone with her and I ended it...answered. Now , this is where I had to make a choice..tell him the truth or act like I didnt know.
I opted for the truth.
He immediately got angry, said she was lying through her teeth (about everything) and when I said, "***his name***" in a way that said, 'come on...you can tell me'.... he hung up on me.
I called back and was told he stepped out of the office. I called a little later and was told he wasnt back and I asked where he went. They said he went to headquarters.

I was absolutely certain he was going up there to cancel our extension in Guam and come home and ask me for a divorce. I know him when his back is against the wall..he will run. He doesnt like to deal with highly charged dramas (even though he creates a lot of them)...

He called back, his voice was flat. This is where I continued to apply the principles I have learned here (though I am not perfect)- I kept my voice loving, I reminded him that I loved him that I wasnt mad, and I called him honey and sweetheart while I talked to him. He sudenly wanted to end the phone call and he tried to say bye.. I exclaimed, "NO, you say you love me first then you can go." He responded with that flat voice..."No. We'll talk about this when I get home." So I got mad and I hung up. (ok, see, Im not perfect) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I warned my 15 year old son that things in teh house could be dicey for the next few days and that even if he saw me upset he wasnt to get in his dad's face over it. And not to get mad if he saw me trying to be pleasant and loving and his dad reacted negatively. My son said ok (he knows the situation, the kid is too smart to keep this a secret).

Within ten minutes my husband called back.
"Hello?" -me
"It's me." His voice sounded better. Not so flat.

"Honey, where are you?"

"I went to a payphone. I knew you'd be upset and I wanted to call you. I couldnt talk in the office because all the guys were all around me." His voice sounded more relaxed, like he had calmed himself down.

I tried to keep the MB principles in my head and was just as sweet and loving as I could be. I wanted him to *feel* it. "Hone,y I am not mad, pelase don;t think that Im sitting here waiting for you to get home so I can rip your head off. I love you, I've forgiven you."

After that...he was putty in my hands. He explained he got so mad because I was "so willing to take her side against mine."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now, here is my question. I have forgiven him. I could care less really what she had to say. It doesnt effect me one bit in my determination to keep my marriage. While my husband was talking, I agreed with everyhting he said and I allowed him to believe that I believed him. Like I said... I think the truth is somewhere in the middle...and I really cant change the past. Is this ok? If it works for him to have me believe him so that he is more willing to work together- is it ok to just let the issue die and let them think you believe every word?

All I keep thinking is what wonderful things we have been doing since D-day. The efforts he is making, the affection, my continued insistance on working on my own problems.

Right now, rehashing the affair will do absolutely nothing for me. Whereas my insistance on taking the OW side, would cause great harm and Im not sure he is strong enough to deal with that.

I am more, more than willing to just let him give me his side,smile, hugh and love him and continue forward.

Your thoughts???

-----------oh, and the timer idea sounds good for the game. But I think 3 hours playing with my global friends is ok, as long as everything else is done and no one is being neglected, including me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You have to be honest with yourself and with him. Forgive doesn't mean forgotten but did you really forgive H ?. If yes, does it matter one f#@$ck or multiples ? does it matter anymore ?. If it does you have to let H know about your feeling and find a way to get past beyond this. If it doesn't you owe an appology to H and NC is for both of you. You should call her in front of your H and tell xOW if she ever try to contact you or your H you will have no hesitation to report it. Right now H probably still in withdrawal and you just stir the memory back again .... every contact or reminder, his witdrawal clock start over from 0:00.

Curiosity kill the cat. -rh-

No..it doesnt matter. Really and truly.

I agree about the no contact. I will send her an email from myself. I am not sure if my H would agree to do that, since he has had no contact with her at all since Valentine's Day (confirmed by the OW) and I really havent explained about the No Contact letter. He really did drop her with no problems.
It was me who had teh problems...until just recently and then while talking to her I realized, during the conversation...that she didnt even matter to me. I was a little mad at myself for wasting the phone card time!!! I guess I had to confront her and see what my feelings about the situation were. When I realized I wasnt even hurt by her comments, I knew I had forgiven him.

He will be home in an hour, cominghome to a nice warm supper with his family. Plan A Plan A Plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't forget a sincere appology to H and big luau dinner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . -rh-