My husband asked me for a divorce on Friday night. Said, "It's not you, it's me, I've changed, I'm in love with someone else, I didn't plan for it to happen it just did."

It's so weird, when I think about it now, I feel as if it's happening to someone else instead of me. I'm basically numb, yet, I'm still reeling from the shock of finding out that my husband is leaving me or should I say has left me.

When I told him that I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else he said, "What's the big deal it's not as if I haven't done this before, exact this time it's really love." Oh my God, I could've killed him the arrogant S. O. B. He just doesn't care!!

I was to distort after that and I couldn't talk anymore so he packed a bag and left, just like that, as if the girls and I didn't exist. He's been gone since Friday night, no calls, no nothing.

I had known for months that something was wrong but, every time I brought it up he would just say "it's nothing, I'm just working to hard" and I figured he was stressing out from to much work so I would leave him alone.

How could I have been so stupid? Why was it I couldn't see it? The late nights at work, the long lunches and not wanting to be intimate for weeks at a time.

I guess, in reality I just didn't want to know, I figured if I left him alone it would go away. BIG mistake, but, I didn't know what else to do. I wish I had found this board 6 months ago maybe I could've done something before it got to this point and saved myself a lot of heartache.

So what do I do now??? I don't know what to do. He has always handled everything. I've never had to work, he took care of everything, all I had to do was be a good housewife and mother. He paid all the bills, he planned all the vacations.

I'm so upset I don't think I can even look at him if he came home, I'm torn between love and disgust. The thought of him with other woman makes me sick and then he's so nonchalant about the whole thing.

What am I going to do now??? That's all that keeps going through my head. How am I going to make things okay for the girls?

Thank God my girls are almost all grown up, I don't think I could deal with this if they were still babies. I mean they are still young but, old enough that they can understand what is going on.

I wish I could spare them the pain of all this, I wish I could be stronger for them but, I'm having a real hard time dealing with all of this.

What do I do now??? Someone please tell me. How am I going deal with all of this and still keep my sanity??

Just me

Do you still want your marriage? Or are you willing to let him go?

My first thought, after reading this was, "Plan B."
Change the locks. Look for a job. I noticed you have teenagers (I have a 15 year old son and an 8 year old daughter), so they can survive just fine with a working mom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> In fact, I bet if you talked to them about it, they would even help you look! I hope they are handling all of this crud ok.
Move forward... decide what things would make *you* happy during this time while you figure out what you need to do. Do not freeze... just keep moving, focus on a goal, even if its silly like, "Keep the house clean today and wash my hair."
I'm new here, so I apologize if Im not being very helpful. I just want you to focus on the positives (YES, there ARE positives...might be some work to find it, but there are) and not let his actions dictate your reactions. Does that make sense?

You've got a lot of learning ahead of you. To start, click on the link in my sig line.

When my husband did the same thing, I was so angry and upset, I said fine. GO! I'm not giving advice, but I do know that when you work on yourself and quit focusing on him, you will be happier. MANY people on here kept telling me that. I know it doesnt' seem possible, but it is true. And then eventually this thing with this OW will fade...at least it did for my h and then he wanted to get back with me. That's when you will have to decide what you want to do with your life.

Thanks for your replies. Wow, what a horrible few days I've had. I never thought things could be this way. My husband did finally call last night only to confirm to me his decision about the divorce. He was very evasive when I asked where and who he was with, needless to say I got very upset and just lost it. I told him to do whatever the H*** he wanted to but, not to think for one minute that he wasn't going to be paying for this divorce. He just laughed and hung up on me.

After I calmed down a bit, I spoke to my parents and they said they are willing to help me in any way they can. I told them I just needed emotional support right now but, it may turn into financial support somewhere down the line and they agreed. I was so upset that my dad recommended I go see a counselor, he even offered to pay for it. They are being so wonderful with all this, they didn't say to much but, I'm sure it hurts them to see how things are turning out.

I do think I need to go see someone, I feel like I'm going out of my mind right now but, it helps to be able to come here and share my story.

My girls are in school and for the most part they seem to be taking things in stride. Oh to be that young and strong again, but, I'm glad they're not letting things get to them. At least that's how it appears but, I could be wrong. You can't always tell what's going on with kids nowadays, they tend to keep things in for the most part.

I do hope that they are not stressing to much, I think I'm stressing enough for all of us. I can't seem to stop crying, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't stop asking the question, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? I will try to start thinking about making some changes for me but, right now I just can't help this feeling of helplessness.

I've got to go now but, I hope it will be okay to come here from time to time and talk about things. I find it very calming for some reason to be able to share things without feeling like I'm being a burden.

Thanks
Just me

Dear Just,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. The feelings, emotions and the physical reactions are typical. This is the ultimate trauma, betrayal by the most trusted and in your case made worse by the cold-blooded attitude of your WH. As you progress, you will see that his reactions are typical WS babble.

Having said that, there are people here on the board that have gone through the same and worse. You will survive this! If you follow the guidelines from John39s link, you will end up as a strong person, able to save your M or to step away from it if you decide to.

The only advice I would give is that you should see your physician ASAP, get some ADs and get sleeping tabs. If you need to lose weight, infidelity is the best program for that, believe me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , but if not, try to eat regularly. You do need to take care of your physical well-being, even though it is difficult.

My thoughts are with you and God bless,

SB

I am so sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. Your situation is like mine. You have been financially dependant of your H and you think what now?

The feeling of helplesness is so bewildering. I know I found out 2 weeks ago and some days i think I am strong and will get past all this and build myself a new life. But most of the time I just miss my H and wish this had never happened to me.

I have 3 small children, 10,5 and 2. I haven´t got a clue how I will manage. I am desperately trying to Plan A, not knowing whether any of it will help. Right now I am really depressed, earlier on in the day I thought I was strong and hanndle anything. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Have not slept or eaten for 2 wks either, but try so I won´t get ill on the kids.

My heart is with you, I know exactly how it feels, like most here. Though I do feel as though matters feel even worse when one has been so dependant on ones spouse. One is accustomed to a certain lifestyle and with the A one has to begin to learn to "give up". It´s not fair since for eg. I have been the backbone and support for the family while my H has been working, travelling, building his company. Taking care of the kids and everything in our everyday lives.

Strength for you and you girls!

-queen-

SB and Queen thank you for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't been on for a few days but, there was something wrong with the computer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well ladies, if I couldn't believe what had happened last Friday night, I sure as heck can't believe what happened on Thursday morning. Almost one week later, my WH came home with his tail between his legs practically begging for forgiveness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Again I don't know what to do, so far I've been able to put him off by telling him that I'm still to upset and angry by all this to even talk to him, which is the truth. What did he expect? to just walk through the door ask for forgiveness and all would be well, I think not!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

To say I'm confused at the moment would be a gross understatement to say the least. I'm trying real hard to get a handle on all of this. I still don't know exactly what changed his mind but, I do remember my OD calling him on Tuesday night and laying it on him. She's so grown up for her age, I'm so proud of her.

So now I've got to really think and decide what my next move will be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He's been sleeping in the guest room since he got back and I won't do anything for him as far as cooking or washing his clothes. Poor dear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't think that I can continue to do that much longer though or put him off either. I feel the need to sit down and talk with him, discuss everything that has happened in the last week but, I just don't know where to start. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

As I said in my previous post "I'm torn between love and disgust" for this man, so what do I do now?? That seems to be the question no matter what is going on around here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Any and all advice will be appreciated.

Thanks, Just

Hi Just,

Have you read the links on this website. Surviving an Affair (SAA) is a really good book. You both could read it.

Is your WH really remorseful? Do you want to make you M work? Does he really want to make it work?

My H cheated on my 8 years ago, he left and came back. I took him back. We never resolved the issues of the past, well, either he never really ended it or it has been on again and off again for I don't know how long. I have known for a year for sure. I've suspected longer.

It takes work to rebuild after this. He cannot expect that you will just accept him back after something as devestating as this.

Now, back to you - Do what you can to make yourself better.

Hi Just. If you're still feeling really emotional try writing down what you feel, what you think, the questions you have, what it will take from him in order for you to give him a chance. This will help you organize your thoughts and to stay calmer when talking to him.

Please read everything on this site regarding what to do when you find out your spouse is having an A FIRST before you talk to him.

As painful as this is for you try really hard to listen as much as you talk.

There is NO excuse for having an A but when an A is analyzed there are usually problems with partners.

In our case I had a horrible childhood and as a result appeared to world as this super strong, professional, successful woman...with my H I could be controlling, insecure and at times pretty unreasonable. My H was a passive agressive, a conflict avoider and would pretty much go into self denial on unpleasant issues.

We also had trouble communicating and negotiating at times..would definitely love bust. Also were meeting each other's EN's inconsistently.

In counseling both IC and MC we learned to deal with our personal issues, how to overcome our weaknesses, how to capitalize on our strengths and most importantly how to communicate effectively.

Surviving and Affair, Torn Asunder, this site and counseling with Steve Harley were also critical to our recovery.

You have a chance if you and your H are willing and equally committed to better yourselves, your relationship with your kids and your M. My H's A was the biggest wake up call of our lives! That's one of the good things that can come out of the horribleness of an A but it requires really listening to each other and trying your darndest not to judge each others feelings. It's the hardest work my H and I have ever done...but it's oh so WORTH it!

Best Wishes!

Best Wishes!

Hi Just, and all others--
I too am in the same situation. I have not worked for 5 years outside of the home.
I have stayed home to raise our two girls, and have taken care of everything so that my H could concentrate totally on his job. He has become successful at it, and is doing well.
He started his PA Oct. 2001, supposedly it ended, and I believe it did, but only for a short time before he started with the EA which has went through 2002. This Jan. 2003, he has told me he is in love with her, and wants to explore their love, more less.
He has not been sleeping in our home for 2 weeks now, and is not coming around.
I don't know how long this all takes, but it's killing me.
The OW is also married, I think her H is not giving in too easily either.
She is 12 yrs younger than my H, how sweet!

Does anyone have any advice on spouse still doing for the family. For Ex. he says he will come over and cut the grass, change the oil in the vehicle etc...
Do you allow them to do this?

There is so much to learn.

I did go to the Quick Start Guidelines, it was helpful, and amazing how similiar these BS act.

Thanks
KEB

Hi Just,

I am 2 1/2 months into my recovery and let me tell you, your pain is familiar. I highly, repeat, highly reccommend you take your father up on his offer and see a counsellor. They have seen it all before and can help you through the shock, giving you just a few tidbits at a time to handle. That is pretty much all you can do at first. Make no decisions now.

It is a very uncomforatble time, painful, not sleeping, crying, angry, betrayed is the word. You need to take care of yourself and when possible, talk to your H. Convey to him, if possible without too much aggression, the seriousness of what he has done to you. Tell him you cannot handle any excuses and he just needs to absorb the result of his actions.

Working on your marriage, in my opinion, comes a little later. For me it took about 6 or 7 weeks before I could look at our marriage and even think of having a loving relationship again.

I hope you have peace soon.