My husband and I have been seeing a MC for about a month now. I started about a month prior to that on my own. I transplanted here from another city and country and do not have any friends yet, after being here almost a year. My husband says that this is b/c I haven't been making a good enough effort and over the time has been pushing me to join a running group, be more outgoing etc. Truth is that people here are nice but not openly friendly and it has been tough. Also, since I moved here, I've been suffering with moderate depression. Alot of it stems from me missing my friends and family and the change in lifestyle. I've been taking anti-depressants for over a month now and have joined a running group and have really been trying to be more affectionate with my HB. In our counselling session 2 weeks ago he said that it was too little too late because he is emotionally drained from having to boost me up all the time and hear my negative words. He said he needed some space. Anyway, the past month, I have been really loving toward him and trying to understand his need for space. I really love him. But then last weekend he went out with the guys and didn't come home. He didn't actually call me for almost 24 hours. When he did finally come home, he said that he went for a drive and ended up sleeping in the car because he was just wanting to be alone. I was really worried about him and didn't even imagine that he'd be having an affair because he told me numerous times it was against his principles and it disgusted him.

Anyway, a couple of days after that night out, there were a few strange messages on our machine from a woman, didn't leave her name. But she was a candidate of my husbands, named L (he is an executive recruiter), and had called the house before for him re: a work issue (so I was told). She never said his name on the message and he explained it away, saying that he called her and she realized she had mistakenly programmed our # for her new boyfriend's memory key. I believed him. Then on this weekend, Saturday, a realtor called. My HB wasn't home but I took the message. He asked if I was his wife, "L, is your name, right". I asked the guy a few more questions, then called Tod and asked him if he looked at the house with another woman. He denied it, got upset with "all of the questions I'd been asking lately" and said he'd be home in a bit. 3 hours later, still not home, so I am now looking through his jacket pocket and find a card from her. My heart broke, it said all of these things about what she loved about him, etc. Wanted to die.

Since I knew her name and last name (from the call display), I called her number, after a few teary calls with my friends and family. She answered the phone and I introduced myself and asked her what she was doing with my husband. She didn't believe who I was (apparently he told her he was single), and then handed the phone to my husband who was there with her, and said it is for you. He hung up on me but called 45 minutes later saying he was in love with her and wanted a divorce. I asked him whether he was sure and to please come home to discuss this, he owed me that much. He came home about an hour and a 1/2 later. While he was on route, L actually called me and apologized, saying she never knew and wouldn't have initiated anything had she known he was married. She had apparently been to our house a couple of times and he had hidden all evidence of me.

He came home and we did a lot of talking that night. I cried alot. He confirmed that he wanted a divorce and he felt our relationship was over. He slept on the couch that night but I was up pretty early, only had 3 hours of sleep or so and woke up at about 6 a.m. I had already started packing some boxes that evening so he was pretty shocked when he came in the room and saw that. I told him, you said you wanted a divorce, right? I can't stay here, I need to leave. Anyway, on Sunday morning we talked some more and we were holding each other crying. He was saying, what have I done? He was holding me so tight. It is pretty detailed what we talked about, but lets just say that I am sad and angry at him, but at the same time, I can feel why he did it. I wasn't very emotionally responsive towards him alot of the time, the way a wife should be and was pretty negative. I turned into this completely different person from the one he fell in love with because of those thoughts and actions. This whole thing (affair) is entirely his doing, and he knows that. He said he didn't go out and search to have an affair, that it just happened and he actually cares for her. That makes it worse though than if it was just some fling. I asked him how he could do that to me, say he wanted a divorce over the phone when he was over at this other woman's house. That hurt so much. He said he didn't know what to do or say. Guess at that moment he didn't know what to do. And seeing things weren't going well with us, that was his quick response.

Do I believe him on that?

Anyway, he has ended it with her. But he also told me that she had asked him to leave on Saturday night so he felt that she wouldn't want to be with him regardless. He went over yesterday and talked to her and told her that she had to move on without him that he was going to stay with me. At least he did the right thing there. I told him that whatever he decided, he needed to follow his heart and not be concerned about what other people thought (now that all my friends know and my family knows, he didn't want people hating him if it did or didn't work out with us). Even though I gave up a lot for him, I don't want him to stay with me for that reason, out of guilt. Told him that I did not want to be his second choice, because I don't deserve that, and truthfully, neither does he. So he decided he wanted to work things out with us.

Now I'm feeling like I am his second choice because he is acting very strange, like he's suffering for giving her up. I'm feeling like he should be attentive toward me and saying he is sorry, making it up to me. We've had incredible sex the last 2 nights since this has happened, but last night I started to cry a little during. He asked me what was wrong, I said, I just love you so much. But truthfully I was thinking of him in bed with her.

The affair only lasted a month. But it must have been pretty intense if he fell in love with her that quickly. I've asked him if he is sure he was in love with her, or were maybe alot of the feelings a result of me not fulfilling his emotional needs. He said that he would answer some of my questions, but not all of them, and not that one. It sounds like he made future plans with her, talked marriage. Like duh, you are already married! Shouldn't he be answering all of my questions? How am I supposed to trust him, or are some things like that better not to know.

I have the urge to call her and ask her to verify the fact that he has ended things with her. He told me he has but I am hesitant to believe him. It is weird but I actually feel sorry for her since he duped her as well, but of course, I want her to stay away forever. Should I call her?

There is no chance of us moving from this city in the next few years so how can I be certain that he is not seeing her, for my own piece of mind?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

sbsil:

Your description of what happened sounds like you both are ripe for some really, really good counseling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you read the info on the home page at this website? There are a lot of other folks here that can point you to the best of the forum stuff for new members. Better at it than I am, at least.

But on the main page, look up the counseling service that they provide here. It's more expensive per hour than most, but the Harleys are really good at what they do, and like I said, your situation is "perfect" fodder for the Marriage Builder methods.

Your heads are in the right place to work on your M together. Since this is so recent, expect that he will have to go through "withdrawl" from his OW for a while. He may backslide a bit and contact her, too. Or she may feel the urge to contact him (though it's refreshing to hear that she was apparently surprised to hear he was M'd). I wouldn't contact her any more. You don't want to invite her back into your lives by doing that, any more than you want your H to contact her again. Focus on the two of you from now on.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

What Q said. AND, click on the link in my sig nature line.

When this happens, you truly feel like you are the only person in the world going through it...I sure do. Your situation is not much different than mine. My H's A was with a co-worker, who convinced me that she was on my side and would find out who he was seeing. Could you imagine my surprise when I found out it was her all along. I cried for five months, yet, now 5 1/2 months separated, I stopped for two whole weeks....I cannot believe it. The reason...I stopped focussing on what he did to me and started focussing on me and what he is NOT doing for me. I too have children who are suffering silently, but it is something that you must do for yourself....you are the most important person and if you have children, they are before you.

While I still love my husband and miss him, I learned that he is not the center of my world (the very same illustrious pedestal that I placed him on). It is you who was mishandled and no matter what, never, ever say that an affair is your fault. The events leading up to an A may contribute to your H unhappiness; however, he made the conscious decision to cross the line. I know and when I too began relaying this little tidbit to my H, he realized that I started to heal and that the teary-eyed spouse that he wronged realizes that, hey....it won't work anymore. Like the others have said, focus on yourself, your children, your family and tomorrow. While it is the most difficulty task to complete each day, it does get easier. Keep your faith and be patient with H...he knows he has wronged you, is guilty and is going thru withdrawal at the moment. Patience is a virtue, one which you exhibit in kind...

Thanks to both of your for your input. It is helpful. Has been almost a week now since I found out about A. We have an app't with a MC scheduled for tomorrow. I am nervous what may come out at that meeting on his end. He is obviously going through withdrawal right now as he is moody and quiet. Although he is answering my questions now, he gets kind of pissy when I do ask anything about her. I told him that he needs to answer my questions to satisfy my insecurities and regain my trust. It allows me to believe we can move past this. I am certain they only slept together once and used protection, but it seems like they were very intimate on an emotional level, which scares me. Am pretty certain that he hasn't contacted the OW at all. He has erased her numbers from his cell phone and has been calling me regularly telling me his whereabouts. I have alot of anger inside me but have been loving and supportive towards him, hugging and kissing him. Had a bit of an outburst last night though. Am scared about this whole thing. I was not satisfying his EN at all, since we got married in fact. I wrote him a letter yesterday, pouring out my feelings to him. His reaction was that it made him mad because it dredged up alot of feelings and memories over this past year. We fought alot, about finances, my attitude, etc. He lied to me about his financial situation before I moved here. When I did move here and I found out about it, I held it against him and the anger festered. Plus, I would continually find bills hidden that were unpaid, etc. He said he would hide them because he was concerned how I would react, about my emotional state. I like to deal with things immediately, not have them hidden from me.

I am angry that he didn't tell me early on that this relationship was headed toward an affair. Found out the other day that he sent her flowers for valentine's day, 1/2 a dozen red roses. She apparently sent him flowers, and then he did so in return. That pisses me off because he had an opportunity right then and there to tell her he was married but chose not to.

How should I act in this MC appointment tomorrow? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You may find the following link helpful, too: Conflict Avoidance Affairs