For six months now, I have done everything I know how to try to make my marriage work. I have carried the guilt inside for the hurt I caused, re-wired my thinking, changed who I am and how I act all for the sake of spending my life wth my H.<P>But it is never enough. Nothing I ever ever say or do, no matter what is never enough. I am about ready to give up on trying becasue it all flies right back in my face. No one ever told me that trying to be a good wife would be like spitting in the wind!<P>No matter how hard I try or how sweet I am or what extra things I do for H, he wakes up mad at me, he goes to bed mad at me. I am tired of the struggles over sex, and household chores getting done - I am sick to death of it all.<P>Most of all I am sick and tired of being so goddamned SORRY and WRONG all the time. Can't I untuck my tail from between my legs and be a human being with feelings and shortcomings again?<P>Oh, wait a minute, I forgot. I am "The Betrayer." Can't do that, so too bad. Gotta keep that head of mine down, eyes averted, mouth shut. No arguments.<P>I am on my way to change my chat profile over so that it says I am married. The reason it said I am UNmarried or whatever the hell it says is because H has not told his parents that we are married. STILL. After two years and some months!!!! We are sort of engaged kind of to them. I am pregnant with his child.<P>I want to crawl into a dark hole for the next nine months, maybe never come out.<P>Talk about humiliation, unseen2. You are the Crowned King of doling it out. <P>And by the way folks, if anyone even THINKS about telling me how sorry and grateful I should be, prepare to be verbally beheaded. I am not in the mood for a slice of humble pie today.<P>PS this is Khyra. Not Unseen2. Obviously.<P> <P>[This message has been edited by unseen2 (edited December 16, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by unseen2 (edited December 16, 1999).]

Guess you're unseen's wife huh? Sounds like a bad day. Actually, sounds like a lot of bad days. And I'm sorry.<P>The hurt is no easier and neither is the work, just because you were the one who made the mistake. I would never dream of dismissing yours, especially since you are trying so very hard. And being pg can't be helping that at all.<P>But, from his posts and yours today, sounds like you two really love each other and WANT to make this thing right. So, I believe that you can.<P>Does he know of your frustration? I know it's hard for both of you. But you need to find a way to talk. You need a plan - obviously a different one than the one you've been on. You've both been hurt badly through all this muck, and the better idea, I think, is to try to come up with something that will start ending the hurt on both sides and building a new life together. but you have to talk and come up with it together!<P>You can't undo what has happened. But you can BOTH learn from it. And by doing so, make certain that neither of you will ever take for granted your marriage or spouse again. I know his pain firsthand. And I empathize with yours because of dear friends I have here and the suffering I have seen in my husband's eyes.<P>So, please, TALK to each other. Both of you try to let go of the anger and the pain just for a little while, one hour at a time, one day at a time and just be good to each other. Be honest when you hurt and try to help him when he does, too. But both of you try to convey the message that you're hurting without being disrespectful to the other.<P>So, you can blast away here. Sometimes we all need to do that. But you both COULD be very lucky, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Working together, though, you can make it that way. I really believe that you can.<P>Hang in there you two. You're fighting the good fight. Time and love will begin to heal all the wounds, once you're ready to let go of some of it.<P>BTW, why don't they know you're married?? Just curious.<P>Hugs and prayers for you.<P>Lori<P>

thanks for clearing that up.<BR>yeah, i agree with you- there should be some letting up from him- hey i was the betrayed for gods sake. <BR>i have begun to ask RESPECTFUL questions to my w to help us understand where we went wrong.<BR>i am sorry for your spot k, has your hubby attempted to find therapy for hisself? <BR>all that anger and all has to come out constructively- not towards you. someone here has a footer that states no marriage was ever been healed by resentment or something like that.<P>no, it aint a one way street- never is, has, or will be.<P>hope things go better.

you know- now that i read the profile- i could be PRIDE.<BR>your husbands resents his actions towards you ( beggingg, pleading, ) and may want to put you in that place. but thats bull*****.<P>jmho- i hope you two can work it out and be honest and open and communicate in a calm manner.

When I saw the title of your post I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was written by the betrayed. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But it is never enough. Nothing I ever ever say or do, no matter what is never enough. I am about ready to give up on trying becasue it all flies right back in my face. No one ever told me that trying to be a good wife would be like spitting in the wind!<P>No matter how hard I try or how sweet I am or what extra things I do for H, he wakes up mad<BR>at me, he goes to bed mad at me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is exactly how I how felt since my H's affair started over a year ago. Since he moved out 10 months ago, it has been even worse.

Khyra,<P>You sound like where my H and I were several months ago. I had basically done the same thing to him. Nothing he did was ever enough as far as he was concerned. I realized after a major crisis and confrontation that I needed to cut him some slack! He truly was circling his own mountain of pain and I was looking for him to somehow make penance for his "transgression". Hey, you can't take it back, what is done is done and those who are betrayed and have spouses who are trying need to realize just that. I regret the hell I put my H through. I was nothing but a lovebuster. Since this realization we have made more progress toward recovery then all the effort put together of the 2 1/2 years before. It was 3 years this week since discovery and I finally feel as if we are gonna make it. <P>This may not help much but from my side of the pain I understand why you are feeling the way you are. Please keep trying though, marriages are always worth it. <P>------------------<BR><P><BR>

Lori,<P>I know he needs to talk about his feelings, but there are times when I feel like I'm strangling. I am drowning, SMOTHERING. <P>I am so furious today because H doesn't seem to understand or believe me when it comes to my identitiy on the internet. Both of his parents have access to the internet as do his siblings and for all I know or care his ex wife. I'm not exactly paranoid that I'll run into his dad in a chat room, but you never know! More likely it would be his younger brothers. News would get back to mummy and daddy quick. Additionally, I do on occasion E-Mail my in-laws (rarely, as they do not know that I am their daughter in law and all I'd look like is an asinine pushy girlfriend if I did).<P>As far as why don't his mom and dad know? Well, Jason says and has been saying that he plans to tell them everything - we were even talking about making a video to tell them. But because he refuses to let the "married /internet" embargo die and just f-ing believe me ...<P>Hah<P>Listen to me. Believe me. What a joke. Why in the hell should anyone do that?<P>I've done nothing but lie and cheat since we've been together, right? <P>Nevermind.

I do have to mention here that H is NOT usually a big Love Buster. He ususally states his feelings in a tender, sad way. I canhandle that. THIS tears me to the bone.<P>Taj, I do think he's been easy on me in most ways - he makes a POINT of telling me how easy he's been on me. It's more of a slow continula erosion.<P>I know exactly what his response to this post will be too. He's going to close up like a big stone and not talk to me. He'll make it clear he's not going to share his feelings of hurt with me anymore. Well, oh well. I can't do anything about it.<P>I am most angry about him waking up mad at me. i haven't even had the chance to open my eyes and already I'm wrong!! And getting even angrier with me if my libido doen't match his. Great. Guess what's next now?!<P>We have hit a wall I think. And Right now I'm feeling too damned tired and too damned stubborn to change. I've BEEN changing. It's obviously not enough.<P>K

Khyra - I sorta meant that YOU needed to be able to talk to him about YOUR feelings w/out fear of retribution as well, you know?<P>I am the betrayed, and I haven't had the opportunity to even try to rebuild, but I think Covenant's got it. He's got to let go. It won't go away. You can't MAKE up for it, no matter how hard you work, no matter how wonderful you are, even if you're perfect for the rest of your life, unless he lets go to let you in. <P>If you go on this way, you're just gonna lose your mind and so is he. It can't happen. <P>Try again to talk to him. And his parents should know you're married. I don't know the reasons, but I'd be climbing the walls if my marriage was a secret.<P>One day he will let go. One day he's just gonna have to take that leap of faith ONE MORE TIME. <P>Take care of yourself today, ok? I do understand that it's hard.<P>Lori

Khyra,<P>I've been where you are RIGHT NOW, and it sucks big time.<P>Here's what I'm doing : (now get ready!) <P><B>NOTHING</B><P>That's it. <P>I can no longer carry the burden. When your life is one big begging of forgiveness, humility in action, slow-motion ride to hell...STOP.<P>That's it. And it helps. Honestly, it does.<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 16, 1999).]

Khyra,<P>Ask him what he is dreaming about. You may understand why he is angry. I know you have heard this before but I will say it again . What you are getting is not so much his anger at you but his anger at his pain. He doesn't know what to do with the pain. You are also very sensitive and (very reasonably) take his anger very personally. <P>Please talk with him. He has to deal with his problems but they are like a toothache, not really that bad but continual. People get very short tempered in this situation.<P>Khyra, it has only been six months. Further, as you said things are not back to "normal" with your interest in him sexually. I may veiw this as not being very interested in him (which is true) but the reason may be misinterpreted. Plus being Preg. does change things as well.<P>Finally, it would seem to me that it is time to let the in-laws know that you are married. This seems to be a big issue to you (I agree with you), and one he needs to solve. <P>Hope something I said has helped. Hang in there time is what is really needed and it is marching along. <P>God Bless You and Your Family

JL,<P>You hit the nail on the head. This is the most drawn out, painful, toothachy issue I've ever had to face. Despite a waning libido, I am "In Love" with my H. Although we don't always Like each other. I am interested, I just feel PUSHED. Nearly every AM i feel PUSHED, and usually thereafter encounter the sullenness. THAT is what has me frayed.<P>Firat< want to thank everyone who has said a kind caring word to help our marriage here in this thread. I do appreciate it, sorry for not mentioning it earlier. <P>I especially want to thank those of you who are understanding enough to mention the "Telling the In-Laws" issue. Again, to clarify, he has plans to do so. I told him I'd help however I could. But i think he listens more to you all than he does to me anyway, so, I do appreciate your encouragement. He knows it but needs to hear it from others as well.<P>Sheryl,<P>I do get forgiveness from H, he has forgiven me. But there are times when I know he can't let it go. When it comes up in arguements. <P>I know this venting on my part has been major LB. I guess I don't have much energy to inves in giving good things to the marriage today.

PS, For once in over four and a half years, i'd like to win ONE freaking argument with him. JUST ONE.<P>Each one keeps getting worse becasue I am giving up less and less easily. Right or wrong I may be, but I believe it's a little thing called<P>VALIDATION<P>LostVa said she was able to see the hurt in her H's eyes - Can he see mine?<p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited December 16, 1999).]