Well... it goes like this.......

I'm the betrayed wife. Married 11 1/2 years. I'm 34, he's 31 (almost 32). One beautiful 2 1/2 yr old son. My H confessed his 2 infidelities to me almost a year ago (D-Day was April 13th). Around Easter (last year), he started to get sick... nausea after he ate, aches/pains in his chest, etc. Didn't get any better with meds from the Doc. Wound up in the hospital for a couple days. Ran all sorts of tests, but found nothing of significance. Our Doc pulled me aside and mentioned she thought maybe all this was in his head (my words, not hers). In the hospital, I asked him if there was something bothering him... that he needed to get off his chest, even if he couldn't talk about it with me, maybe he could talk with our Doc (she's a very close friend to both of us). He said, "No." He got a little better in the hospital and was released. The night after we got home, he started to get sick again. I pressed him again if there was something he needed to tell me. He knelt down in front of me, and said there was something he needed to tell me. He had been unfaithful to me, twice in our marriage.

I was floored. I almost laughed out loud and said, "Yeah, right." But when I looked in his eyes, I knew he was telling me the truth. I had never felt the pain that I felt that night before in my whole life. "It happened a long time ago," he said. To sum up the details, both incidences happened during about years 2-4 of our marriage. The first was with a married girl he worked with at the time. It lasted "a year or so, give or take." At the time, I knew he had a secretive, close friendship with her. One that made me very uncomfortable, and literally insanely jealous. Turned out to be more than just friendship/emotional. But I guess looking back, I chose to hope it would just go away. Getting mad about the friendship didn't seem to help end it, so I just gave up trying. Knowing what I know now, all the typical signs of infideility were there.... every last one of them. I was naive. I didn't believe it would ever happen to me. I didn't know the signs should have been warning me of something. I knew he and I were not happy in our marriage at the time... money problems, family problems, sex problems, but I just chalked it up to "the first 5 yrs of marriage are the hardest." He said it ended b/c she wanted to have a baby with her H. My H wasn't interested in kids at the time, and they called it quits (my interpretation of what he said).

Our marriage continued to be rocky, and at one point, we decided (together) we needed to separate for a while to sort things out. That's when the 2nd affair happened - during our separation, which was for about a month or so. This one he refers to as a "stupid drunken thing." No emotional ties to speak of... just getting drunk and getting some (my words, not his). He said he ended this affair b/c he saw the type of girl he was messing around with, and realized that's not what he wanted. Apparently he found out after the fact that she was married, but separated (and feeling free to share the love... with many). He called me up and asked if he could come back home. I said he could, but under the condition that we start marriage counseling immediately. We did, but he never mentioned his affairs.

Fast forward.... the last 7-8 years have been great. We got our finances under control again, dealt with family issues (his parents/my parents), and sex just seemed to work itself out (maybe not correctly, but we both dealt with it). We started really building a life together... happily. Two and a half years ago, WE decided to bring a child into the world.

Then... D-day. I was devastated. I'm still devastated. I try so hard to remember the past 8 yrs, but for the last year (almost), all I can think of is the "bad past." I try to be positive and look at the good things in my life now. But that "wound" is there. I can't make it go away. I've read books upon books (and I HATE to read). I have less bad days now, but when the bad ones do hit, they hit hard, and it's like starting all over again. It's wearing me thin. Not having much self-esteem to begin with, this was a horrendous blow. The questions bombard me like a swarm of locusts. Why did this happen? How do I know it won't happen again? What did he say to her about me? Am I his second choice b/c he couldn't have her? Was she better (sexually) than me? She must have been. (I refer specifically to the first girl, as there was not only a physical relationship, but a deep emotional one as well - this one hurts me the most... is that weird?) What (specifically) did they do together when they were "physical?" Is, has, does he compare me to her when we make love? And the list goes on and on....

He sincerely apologized for hurting me. He said it was all his fault. That he never intended to hurt me. That I wasn't to blame for what he did. Maybe not, but I did contribute to the circumstances that led to the affairs. Unknowingly, I believe, but it takes two to make a marriage, right? He asked me to forgive him. He said he doesn't want that kind of life ever again. He said that he's happy with the life (and family) we've built since then. He doesn't want to lose everything we have now. And he's different now (and for the last 8 yrs). He doesn't hide things from me (pager, phone, etc). Calls to let me know where he is, who he's with, when he'll be home, etc.

SIDE NOTE: This confession did not clear up his illness. We both went to marriage counseling shortly after he confessed. He still feels sick a lot (panic attacks, we've sinced learned). Still no real physical disorder can be found.

Enter anger... The man I thought I married is gone. I thought I married a faithful man. Now I know he was not. I have to live with that every day. It is so hard. Yep. I'm the girl who lived most of her life in a pretty little fantasy world where everything was perfect (more or less). I've never felt this kind of pain and disappointment before. It's deep. Deeper than I could have ever imagined. I remember he used to tell me back then, that I would like this girl, that she and I were a lot alike... quiet, shy, soft-spoken. "She was a nice girl," he would say. Why now, do I want more than ever to be like her??? I can never be 5'10", 120lbs, etc...! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Why do I feel like that's who I need to be???!!

Sheeeeesh!! I've got issues... obviously. I want to confront her. I want her to know that I know what happened back then. (My H told me she and he agreed-when their affair ended-that they would never tell their spouses what happened between them.) I want her to know what her and my H's actions have done to me. I want her to know that she deeply hurt another human being... someone she doesn't even know!! I've done some lurking. I know where she and her H (and kid(s) lives. I've driven by... not stopped, just driven by. From the looks on the outside, they're doing well and happy. I haven't actully "seen" them, I'm just making assumptions. I want to know if her H knows about the affair. I don't want to be the one to tell him... that's her responsibility. But I want to know. If she did, how did he handle it? Did he go through what I'm going through? Maybe I'm doing something wrong, not being able to move past it all by now. I mean, if she's such a "nice girl" surely she fessed up? To my knowledge, her H never came "looking" for mine, so maybe he doesn't know? If not, he deserves to know. Again, not by me, by her. I just want HER to know that I know. Not smart, I know that. And chances are good that I wouldn't ever seek her out to confront her, but if fate threw her in my path... I wouldn't walk away.

It's just not fair. I'm reading Surviving An Affair right now. Seems like it (and other books I've read) focuses mostly on "current" affairs or ones that have just recently happened, ended, been discovered. What about my situation? I know this sounds whine-y, but I'm struggling here... sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It just seems to teach about setting "boundaries" so-to-speak... end all contact, be an open-book to the betrayed spouse, etc. All rules that the betrayed spouse sets before the wayward spouse in order to begin rebuilding. That doesn't apply to me. It's too late for me to do that. I didn't get that chance. My H did that already, unbeknownst to me. I guess it sounds like I need justice. And, in a way, I feel like I deserve to have justice. What do I do???? I know I don't want to go out and have a revenge affair (although the thought has crossed my mind more than once). I know confronting these women won't help matters. So.... what? I just sit back and live with the fact that my H had two affairs, he's sincerely sorry, and go on? Did I mention IT'S NOT FAIR??? Again, I'm sorry. It's just how I'm feeling right now. Honestly, I feel completely victimized right now, and I just need to get it out.

Okay, well that's my tale. Sorry so long. Please, please, please, I need words of wisdom. I need a magic solution to this (unrealistic, I know). But I don't want to keep going like I am. I'm hurting and dying inside.

Thanks for listening.... Sveiks

I apologize if I posted this in the wrong area. I'm new to this kind of thing, so please bear with me. Any helpful hints are appreciated.

~Sveiks~

Everyone who has ever been thru this can tell you, the pain is at most times, unbearable. Sometimes it is so difficult that functioning is a chore. It is so very natural to teeter and have the good days and bad days...it is a scar and no one can erase from your mind. As I am currently in the middle of my husband deciding whether he wants me or his M (could you believe it), you have to focus on yourself. Remember that you are the most important person right now and your H's indiscretions are his problem, not yours. Although they effect you both as a "couple", you cannot focus...it will literally destroy you and prohibit you from living a full life. If you love your husband, live for today, not yesterday. If you believe he is honest with you, you must focus on now...you must focus on your new marriage...look it as though you married a new man all together and are starting all over. Dwelling on the other woman, who deserves none of your time or worry whatsoever, just creates a bitterness in you that will dictate your life. Remember you, the good person that you are, all the love you are capable of giving and the other hatred and consumption with jealous will go away.

Have you read "Torn Asunder" by Carder? My wife and I read it together. I think it has a perspective on recovery that is focused on the process in a way that is irrelevant as to when it starts.

It is not your fault. You have NO responsibility for the affairs. You DO have a responsibility for the state of your marriage before they happened, especially the first one. It can be hard to seperate those things.

I am sorry your first MC was so incompetent (the link in my signature line has some comments about MC's you might find interesting). From what I have read here, the intervening years between affair and discovery DO make recovery harder. You now have to re-write your marital history with the missing pieces. The longer that time period is, the harder that process is.

Thank you Karena and Johnh39. I know it is a waste of time to focus on the OW. Some days it's just so hard for me not to. I mean, what if she hadn't wanted to have a child with her H? Where would my marriage have gone (or be) right now? It's so frightening to me. And most importantly (to me, anyway) is I don't want to be his consolation prize. I don't want it to be like... well, he couldn't have her, so he'll stick with the next best thing. He tells me that's not how he feels, but how do I know that for sure? Ack! I'm sprialing downward, and I don't mean to do that... sorry.

I haven't read Torn Asunder yet, but after I finish Surviving An Affair, I'll definitely give it a read. Our first MC was actually pretty good, but the issue of "affairs" wasn't brought up (I didn't know about them, and my H didn't mention them). We went mostly to help us with the not getting along. Learning about our very different backgrounds growing up (infidelity was involved in his parents' marriage, BTW) and how to deal with each other. Little did I know there was way more going on than I even knew.

I just get so frustrated with that whole "re-writing marital history" (as you put it). See, I have so many questions (many detailed ones) that he says he can't answer b/c he doesn't remember b/c it was such a long time ago. Needless to say, I have a hard time with that. I mean, how do you have an affair with another man's wife, and NOT remember? Maybe it's like PTSD... I don't know. Maybe he's blocking it out. My H just tells me that he screwed up big time. He knows that what he chose to do was wrong, that he's sorry that he ever hurt me, and that he'll never do anything like that again. "I just want to be with you (and only you, no one else) and our son," he says.

Anyway... I'm reading some of your links... very insightful. I'm glad I found this forum. I hope I can learn (unfortunately) from others how to heal this broken heart and soul of mine.

~Sveiks~

My situation is similar in many ways. My wife essentially had an Emotional Affair with a coworker 10 years ago. I found out about it 1 year ago. My reaction was very similar. It seemed so unjust that she seemed so unaffected by the whole thing while I was terribly hurt. All she would say is "it was a long time ago, I dealt with it then. I was immature and it won't happen again." There were a number of ways that I dealt with it:

1. I remember the period well and I realize she did not get off unaffected. I recall how unhappy she was, sleeping poorly, crying, withdrawn from her family and friends, etc. In short she was paying a price and was miserable at the time.

2. I also had to come to grips with the difference between justice and forgiveness. Of course it is not fair, but I love my wife (always have) and to forgive is a far bigger thing to do than inflict a just outcome. I am not religious but I do believe in the value of grace and forgiveness. You need to believe that forgiveness will make you a better person (and believe me it will).

Do I still think about what happened? You bet I do. Like you I spent all my idle time thinking about it. I have accepted what happened and forgave her unconditionally. The images have faded, but I still have them. They are less painful. When I would think about leaving her (and I did) I thought that I would have to start all over with someone else (neither of us are old, mid-30s), why not start over with her?

Has the whole experience affected our marriage? You bet. With the disclosure so many things were explained (it is now hard for me to believe I didn't see it at the time). It has made us more open and realize more fully what each other's needs are. Our marriage now 1 year later is the best it has ever been. I understand how it happened, I wasn't meeting her needs and she turned elsewhere it was as simple as that. Be the bigger person and forgive (unconditionally). Channel that energy and emotions into meeting your husband's needs and communicate to him how to meet yours.