First of all, finding MB on the net will probably save my marriage. Thank you!

My wife of 21 years had been acting very strange for about a month and then finally last week hit me with the news - she had what she described as a "fling" with someone who she comes in contact with during her job as a sales rep. To be honest, I wasn't too surprised, as we are each other's best friend and I knew that something was seriously wrong. She tells me it's over, but that she fell in love with him and experienced feelings that she hadn't felt since she was 19. I know she is in withdrawal now and I've done everything I can to give her time and space while the pain of loss subsides. But, it's incredibly hard. I still love her so and she tells me that I am a wonderful man, a wonderful father and she can't believe that I've taken this "mistake" so well.

My job during the past year took me away from home about 30 times for 4-5 days at a time and it definitely took its toll. She told me so. After reading MB, I realized that with my travel and then coming home, I was making entirely too many withdrawals from the Love Bank and not making nearly as many deposits and I should have. I understand now why my wife was so attracted to the other man.

We both agree that we want to stay together, but she still has times when she feels she should leave, but doesn't give me any real reason why she should. She tells me it's definitely not to be with him as he is a newlywed [married less than one year with a new child - and he's got some serious problems] and that he wants to make his marriage work as well. My wife is so hurt. She keeps saying it was a mistake. Is it right to feel sorry for her?

It's only been one week since she dropped the bombshell. Will it get better for her? As for me, I've stopped traveling as much and I'm home all day while she is still out working and it's very tough for me as well, sitting at home by myself, working. Although my trust in her is at this point quite a bit shattered, I know I will trust her again.

One last comment. I've learned so very much from reading the MB website and my wife has agreed to begin reading from it as well. I may not know exactly why she did what she did, but I am beginning to learn more about my contribution to the affair.

Both of you should read through the link in the bottom of my signature line, below. It is written for the BS, but really applies to both of you.

John,

Thanks for the help and the links. They have been wonderful. You have no idea...

It's been absolutely an unbelievable week since I found out. But, I did some investigating and I now know who the OP is. According to my wife she swears they only had sex once - and it was a mistake [a word she has used to describe the entire affair over and over again]. I now know on what day it was as well - four days after our 21st wedding anniversary. I don't understand why, but knowing this information has helped me. But, she says it is definitely over [his choice] and that he is "just a friend." But, her pain and withdrawal is so intense, I can't force the issue of his complete removal from her life at this point. But, her schedule doesn't have her crossing his path for a couple of weeks. I hope by then, I will be able to persuade her that she must not have any contact with him and that it would help her to spend more time on the MB site. She told me she just isn't ready for it yet.

One good thing, we are continuing with our lives [we have three wonderful children - all girls] as if nothing has happened. But, when we are alone together, I can tell she is in such incredible pain and has such tremendous guilt and remorse, that I forget about my pain.

I'm being patient - it's the hardest thing I've ever done! I keep telling her that "I'm going to be here for you." She hugs me when I say that and continues to tell me how wonderful I've been about this whole ordeal and that she still really does love me.

She still thinks about leaving, but I'm convinced now that it is because she feels guilty about what has happened more than anything else. Because when I question her about why, and if it would actually be better for her, she just shakes her head and tells me "I don't know."

One more thing...I've been praying to Him everyday for help and guidance. It was He who told me to stay together and work it out. I'm convinced that is that is the best path for us and that when this is all over, we will have a better marriage than we had before - and up until about 8-10 months ago, I know this would have never happened.

Bless you for you help, John.

Have you considered contacting the OM's wife?
I think it would be a kindness for her to know what kind of man she is married to and it will show that there are consequences to his actions?
If she had found out about the affair instead of you; wouldn't you have wanted her to inform you?

I agree that telling his wife is a good idea, if he is married.

Your wife WILL NOT RECOVER if she has continued contact with him.

omorprm,

Firstly you seem to be one of the luckier BS's ( if there is such a thing), with your wife telling you she had an affair.

However something worries me and that seems to be if I read correctly you are taking on too much responsibility for her Affair. You did not contribute to your wife having an extra marital affair... your wife owns that choice. perhaps you can see you may have not being meeting some of her needs, but that doesnt mean you had anything to with with your wife choosing this very painful path.

I dont believe you should at all be feeling sorry for your wife and her poor choices...empathy maybe a better start.

Your wife must at some point come to realise how much pain you are in. Let her see that pain. It must be acknowledged.

As for the continued contact...there will be no recovery while that happens ( start a solid plan A). All contact must cease..if your wife feels they are just friends ( god knows how many BS's have heard that one!) then she is fooling herself... he is not a friend of your marriage..a fact your wife must come to realise.

I do wish you well

Dino.

My wife is still very deeply into her withdrawal stage and it is becoming increasingly more difficult for me to talk to her about this. She tells me that I'm smothering her. Is this normal?

She sees my pain. I can't hide it. I'm not mad. But, should I show anger, even if I'm not mad? I'm hurting [like never before in my life] and she knows it.

She keeps wanting what happened to just go away, but I think she deep down inside knows that in order for that to happen and for this to never happen again, we have to work at it. When I can talk to her, she does readily acknowledge that she wants us to work it out. That she does love me and is so sorry for hurting me.

As for contacting the OM's wife...my wife refuses to tell me who he is. Both he and my wife would easily lose their jobs and she is fearful of this. Of course, she didn't think about that beforehand...But, if I wanted to, I could find out. I will use that ability to find out to force her to sever all contact, if necessary.

I know that the first step is to convince my wife that she MUST sever all contact with the OM.

I'm still trying to get her to spend some time at the MB site. I know my wife [well, mostly, I guess, after what has happened to us] and I know that eventually she will hear me and realize how powerful the information is on the MB site. We are still each other's best friend, that's what is so ironic about this.

And she keeps telling me she loves me.

Is it normal while she is in the withdrawal state to not want to get help? It's almost like she's addicted to a drug.

Thank you, everyone for your support.

Yesm she is addicted.

It sounds to me like you have not read "Surviving an Affair". Get it. Read it together with our wife, if she is willing, and discuss it. Otherwise, read it yourself.

If she loses her job, well, that is a natural consequence of her actions. Start preparing for that possibility. If this is someone she sees at work, then she will need ot change jobs anyway, unless he does. I understand that is simple to write, and a lot harder to do, but that is the way it is. My wife did not want to acknowledge the necessity of this, either, but with our MC and all the books saying the same thing, and as she examined the nature of their "friendship" it became obvious.

Part of what it will take your wife a LONG time to admit, if she is like mine, is how the "friendship" was unhealthy at it's roots. My wife, and MANY other WS's, believed that the "friendship" part was OK, and the "affair" part was not. However, those two parts are inextricably linked. It is EXTREMELY hard to admit that.

You have been given great advise, and I just want to add that it's important that your W educates herself (trying to force her is futile and you'll be love busting her) by reading all about how A's(affairs) happen. If she does, she will see that she is far from being in a minority group (estimates are as high as 60% of married men and 40% of married women, have had an A).

I truly hope that your W does come to MB so that she can realize that she can get over her A, if she is willing to work on a plan of marital recovery than includes following the MB principles and counseling with an MB oriented professional.

You and your W are not alone.

I've purchased SAA and I'm re-reading everything daily on MB until it arrives.

I've printed up Parts I & II of Infidelity so that my wife doesn't have to go online to read it - when she is ready to read it.

I've taken the advice that you all have given me here and let my WS know how much pain I am in. I've been holding back. Today I let her know. She's been reluctant to let go of the OM and their "friendship" but I believe that after what I've told her today, she's finally seeing that there can be no "friendship." I asked her if it was a "friend" who gave her the knife that is now stuck in my heart or encouraged her to lie to her children and to me and threatened our home?

My work requires me to travel, although I'm not traveling as much as before. And she has told me that the travel adversely affected her emotional needs. Now, I spend a lot of time working from home - alone and it's unbelievably painful being here without being able to talk to her. This is the start of a busy period for her at work. She leaves early in the morning and comes home late in the afternoon, exhausted. Too exhausted to talk. She's hiding her pain with her work.

She's in her second week of withdrawal and according to what MB says, it might only be another week or so until she's ready to start moving in a more positive direction. Right now, our lives are in limbo. We're like zombies and our kids know that something isn't right, although we don't discuss the issue in front of them nor do we act any differently in front of them. Kids, like FS's seem to know, don't they?

Thank you everyone for helping me through this.

Get on your asbestos underwear! Some here think I’m a bit tough because I’ll lay it down for you.

I am beginning to learn more about my contribution to the affair.
That would be exactly nothing. You had NO contribution to the affair. It was solely her decision to do it. It was a bad choice she made on her own.
The state of the marriage relationship you can share equally with her.

that it would help her to spend more time on the MB site.
Your goal is to NOT educate her. Trying to educate a spouse is a big time lovebuster.
YOU read it all & practice it. IF she shows interest, then you can tell her what you are reading but do NOT force her to read or even recommend she read. Simply tell her you find it interesting and very useful.

But, I did some investigating and I now know who the OP is.

As for contacting the OM's wife...my wife refuses to tell me who he is.
Do you know who he is or not?

But, should I show anger, even if I'm not mad?
What? You want to pretend your mad? Why?

I will use that ability to find out to force her to sever all contact, if necessary.
All contact MUST be stopped if you are to recover your marriage.

Is it normal while she is in the withdrawal state to not want to get help?
Yes.

I've taken the advice that you all have given me here and let my WS know how much pain I am in.
That was only one person telling you that. It is important for her to know you hurt also, but at this point I would hold back for now.

I asked her if it was a "friend" who gave her the knife that is now stuck in my heart or encouraged her to lie to her children and to me and threatened our home?
??? Do you WANT to hurt her? Big time love buster. Don’t do or say things that are harmful to your spouse. YOU are the one who needs to protect your spouse from comments like this.

She's in her second week of withdrawal and according to what MB says, it might only be another week or so until she's ready to start moving in a more positive direction.
Withdrawl will usually take ~6 weeks AFTER the last contact with op. If there is any contact, the six weeks will start again.

We're like zombies and our kids know that something isn't right
So tell them something isn’t right. You don’t need to go into details. They need to see that parents are not perfect. They also need to see that when problems DO arise, that the way to get through it is to work on them (problems) & not blow them off.

nor do we act any differently in front of them.
Yeah you do. That is how they know.

Kids, like FS's seem to know, don't they?
They usually know what is going on before the betrayed spouse.

What is an FS?

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

I asked her if it was a "friend" who gave her the knife that is now stuck in my heart or encouraged her to lie to her children and to me and threatened our home?

personally I dont see anything wrong with that statement... but hey thats me. Emotions are in their raw form upon discovery of an affair. A little to a lot of lovebusting will happen at times...sweeping our emotions under the carpet will only be detremetal to ourselves and our marriages later on.
Your wife was strong enough to inform you of her affair..I am sure she is strong enough to handle well worded statements holding the truth.

John spoke of natural consequences after an affair. They happen... 6 months into our recovery and my husbands work mobile came under scutiny form the auditors last month. hes been landed with a bill for a yrs usage of his phone calling the OW. Its a doozey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and its all his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Withdrawl.. I guess everyone is different. Right up untill Christmas I believed my husband was still in withdrawl.. we only spoke of this the other night. He was out of withdrawl it seems now a lot earlier.. he just had a hard time admitting to himself... that he really did make a huge selfish mistake. So he kept telling himself , she was his friend and she was a nice person as not to face himself and his foolish mistakes and his dishonest self.

Take care.

.I am sure she is strong enough to handle well worded statements holding the truth.
It may have been well-worded but it wasn’t in a moment of anguish and shock. It was a well aimed jab at her because , “I've taken the advice that you all have given me here and let my WS know how much pain I am in.“

When one spouse gains at the expense of another, it is wrong.

He could have easily said, “Your affair really hurt me to my core“ or something like that. Rather than slamming on her & blaming her, tell her how he feels.

Well at least we both agree it was well worded. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nor by the sounds of it was it spewed out in anger.

And By the sound of the post..his wife did [censored] an ear.

We'll have to agree to disagree Chris... and leave it at that. As I simply dont see any venom is his wording.. only the truth.

Cheers!

Chris/Dino,

THANKS! Your comments continue to help me.

Chris - I didn't need the asbestos underwear. Your observations for the most part, are right on. And a big help. Thanks.

As for the MB stuff, I kept talking about how it was helping me and tonight she agreed to read the first two parts about Infidelity. I could tell from her reaction that it wasn't exactly what she wanted to read right now, in her second week of withdrawal - since it contained a lot of truth. But, she did say it was very revealing.

She told me she is unhappy and confused. I told her that's normal. Both of our lives are unhappy and confused and she knows and admits that it is her fault. She also says she feels smothered and trapped. Is this normal?

But, I've got to be honest. I read the Love Buster Questionnaire - or more precisely, she read through it with me and there were a lot of questions she answered with a 5 or 6. And I agreed. I've not been too nice to her the past year. I realize that for the past year or so, I never considered her to be an equal to me. Stupid mistake on my part. So, maybe I didn't contribute to the infidelity, but I certainly prepared the playing field.

After reading about withdrawal, she's more convinced than ever that she must avoid any contact with the OM, something she'd been reluctant to admit before. She told me that she can - she knows how to avoid seeing him. And she knows that her job is at stake.

She also told me that it hurt her when he ended it. My wife was an easy score for him. He used her. And she knows it. But, she still has feelings for him. That's crazy, isn't it?? But I guess he made enough quickie deposits in the Love Bank - while I was busy Love Busting and the result is....lives shattered and both of us wishing it had never happened. But it did.

We've had 21 really good years - until just recently, with no real problems in the past. At least nothing we couldn't work out between us. She is still my best friend and I am her's. We both agreed that we are relying on each other to work hard to make this marriage continue.

And it's gonna take some time...

Thanks everyone for your support!

HELP!

What a disaster! My wife came home tonight in a good mood and for the first time since "D day" we laughed and talked like before.

Then...our conversation turned upside down. She said we could just "ride this out" like the other minor bumps in our marriage and I disagreed. Her mood changed immediately! I suggested that unless we addressed the root of our differences and discovered why it happened, it could happen again.

Then she told me her affair was just "chemistry" and that it wouldn't happen again. "I was just attracted to him and we both had the same birthday!" And as she told me this, she had this sparkle in her eye that made me sick to my stomach. She still has strong feelings for the OM.

She is in week two of withdrawal and I feel like we just made two big steps backward after a good step forward.

It's SO difficult to not talk about it, even though I know she is in her withdrawal period and she still isn't over it. She still talks about being unhappy, but when I ask her why she is unhappy, she doesn't know why she is unhappy. And then...she looks me right in the eye and tells me she loves me. And that she's trying.

DAMN...this is getting SO hard!!

And she's getting more panicked about the kids finding out. She's got some serious doubts about how good a mother she is [I think she's a great mom] and she feels that if they find out, they will hate her.

She is faced with so much to lose and I know that is weighing heavily on her. But, after tonight, I'm almost thinking that we may never be able to work it out and that I should be starting to think about a future without her. I don't want that future. I want her.

Should we just not talk about it for now? And try to live our lives until she is out of withdrawal? We she eventually come to me?

PLEASE, someone tell me to hang in there! And remind me to be patient!!! And that there will be times like this. And that she will one day wake up from the fog!!

So far I don't see any mentioning of counseling with an MB oriented professional like the Harley's and Penny Tuppy from Save Your Marriage Central. They can help you formulate a marital recovery plan taylored to your situation. Sure their coaching may seem expensive, but it's way cheaper than divorce lawyers fees.

Don't expect much from your early conversations with your WS. They are in another world and speaking a different language. On Jan. 4, 2003, my WH confessed to 8 (count 'em!) affairs over the past 12 years. He had one other in 1987 that I'd already known about. In the most recent one he was madly in love with a woman who did not care about his outrageous past. She loved him fully and spiritually for who he was right then. (Ugh!) His actual intention initially was to tell me only about her and then he'd never have to tell me about his other secret life. I didn't give in so easily though so he had to keep adding things to get me to give up. I obviously don't give up easily...hehe!

We decided together that he owed it to me, our children and grandchildren to see this through. Whether or not our marriage survived was not the issue. If he wanted to be with another woman, then he should have left me first.

So we stayed together, just to heal at first. We talked and cried and cried and talked for days. I was so crushed and he was so ashamed of himself for betraying me. He was even suicidal at one point.

In one of the many books I've read they suggested giving yourselves at least 3 months after d-day to make any big decisions regarding your marriage. It kind of takes the pressure off and allows you to just survive those early days.

Now, here we are just 2 1/2 months later and we are best friends again, madly in love with each other and have vowed once again to spend our lives together. We are truly happy and in pain at the same time. We know that our love is secure while we heal. My H can not believe that he even desired other women. He is getting down to the root of why he did these things and getting the help he needs. It's been nothing short of miraculous.

I don't mean to tell you so much of my story, but ours was a pretty hopeless one. The odds are against us...but we are still plugging away! We have lots of tough times emotionally, but lots of good ones too. We talk about the affairs daily still. We have an affair and sexual addictions library! We don't hide anything from each other.

So be encouraged that there is hope...always!

Stillwed

P.S. Don't feel bad about being in pain and don't be surprised if that turns into anger in a couple of weeks. Once the marriage feels secure and you aren't afraid of your WS walking out on you the anger is able to come out. When it does, try to express it as best as you can in a statement regarding how you are feeling and not in a way that makes her feel terrible. Sounds like she already feels terrible. She needs to feel all of it though...her pain, your pain, your anger. It's what keeps it from happening again.

Get a good library going...Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, the Harley's books are all excellent.

When my WH first read the description of how an affair happens in Surviving an Affair he was so shocked! He thought that his situation was so unique and so special, that he couldn't have resisted if he tried. Then he read about it right there in the book and it was as if they were writing about him and his recent lover! It was a very humbling experience for him.

Hang in there!

Stillwed

Thank you everyone for your continued support. This forum has been so incredibly helpful.

TMCMan - We are rapidly approaching the point where she is open to a MC. I've been wanting one from the beginning, but she was reluctant. But, that subject is now being seen as a good alternative to where we are now.

Stillwed - Your story is an inspiration for me, considering where you started from. Right now, time and our still-strong friendship is what is keeping us looking forward. We both know it will get better...one day.

__________

Age: 51
WS: 41
Married 21 years
Children: 3 at home
D-Day: 3/20/03