An update to my friends on this forum -

With my WS entering her third week of withdrawal, life is getting somewhat more normal. We are talking much more than in the past year - about everything, including our relationship and where it is at. We both definitely want this to work and realize that the road ahead is a narrow one, but worth taking.

I got SAA and have been reading it. My WS has paged through it and read several parts, but has not begun to read it through - yet.

SAA has been a remarkable revelation. Just when you think your situation is unique, I read about exactly how I am feeling.

My WS and I at first had an issue about her potentially seeing the OM, who was/is working at a store she has to service. She finally has realized how important a first step it was to not see the OM anymore. Then, she told me last night that while calling to find out when he would and would not be there [so that she could avoid him], she was told by the manager that he was transferred to another store - in the same district, but not in my WS's territory.

At first, it sounded great! But, then I began to think about it and it sounded too convenient and maybe she was making it up so that I wouldn't be so concerned about her seeing him again. She looked me straight in the eye and promised me that it was the truth. Then, she looked at me with a look as though she finally realized that she wasn't going to ever see him again.

But, unfortunately, I still don't trust/believe her and she knows it. I told her this is the first big step on the road to recovery and she told me again - she was committed to it. So, I guess I will have to live with that. But, she is so sincere about wanting our marriage to work - and she continues to express her remorse and regret of the "A" that I find myself willing to believe her.

Should I continue to question her about it? Give her an opportunity to "hang herself?" I really want to believe her, but again, it sounds a bit too good to be true - and you know what they say about something that sounds too good to be true - it isn't.

Thanks again to everyone for their help and support.

She lied!

After I left a message on her work voicemail telling her that I seriously doubted her story about the OM being transferred, she called me and admitted she lied about it.

She told me it was because it was making her crazy that I was always asking her where she was and asking her to account for her time and she thought that by lying to me it would make me feel better.

It's made me feel worse! I told her that if we both are going to make this work, she has got to be honest with me.

I'm so bummed right now. I'm starting to think that maybe we're not going to make it. That maybe she doesn't feel like I'll ever make her happy like I have in the past. And I'm having my doubts too.

This is all starting to affect me in my job as well. Besides losing 10 pounds in the past two weeks, I've not been able to concentrate on my work.

I guess I'll go back to reading SAA...

You guys can do this! Give it at LEAST 3 months before making any decision about the marriage as far as to whether or not you can make it. In SAA you will read about radical honesty...agree to it with her. My H had concerns at first that I wouldn't be able to love him fully because of what he's done. In fact, I love him more for finally being honest with me. Plus I can finally feel his full love now that he is focusing only on me...it's wonderful.

I've added another book to my library called Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. There may be some info in there that you can use too. It's not so much about affairs though. It is about relationships and why we choose the spouses that we do. It gives excellent communication instructions to bring healing to your marriage under any circumstances.

I can just feel that you guys love each other!! Don't give up on 21 years together without a huge effort to rebuild the marriage. I doubt that is what she really wants, she is just full of guilt and shame right now.

You know, in an earlier post you talked about your wife coming home in a great mood and then things blew up. That is just sooooooooo normal. We are still there 3 months into this and we have made enormous leaps and bounds into recovery. Last night H came home depressed about how stupid he was to think that he'd actually fallen in love with some of these women. He just couldn't get out of his funk. I had been feeling up all day, but as soon as I saw how self absorbed he was I had a flashback of how he'd get before I knew about the affairs. He would get really down and then eventually blow up at me telling me that whatever was wrong was essentially my fault because of whatever need he could find that I wasn't meeting. He's a new person since then, but boy did I get thrown back there and scared for a few hours!! There is going to be a lot of up and down feelings for you guys so I'm just warning you up front.

Hang in there!

Stillwed

Thank you, Stillwed. Your words have been a great comfort to me.

My wife has been working long hours the past few weeks - it's that time of the year - and it will continue for at least one more week. I guess this is a bad time for us to be going through her withdrawal. [As if there is ever a GOOD time!]

She comes home tired and spent...and the LAST thing she wants to do is discuss our situation. As for me, I'm on an unbelievable rollercoaster ride every day. First, I read some of SAA and then I cry and wonder if we will ever work it out. Then, I gather up my emotions and put on a brave face to the world.

Even my work is suffering terribly and many people I work with know that something bad has happened with my marriage - as if they didn't expect it. Did I mention that I was gone 32 weekends last year? And almost as many the year before that and even more the year before??

But, now I've been able to adjust what I am doing and my travel has been minimized. Gone only twice since the start of the year. But, by then, it was too late.

My wife told me again tonight that she was so deeply sorry for what she did. I told her again that it cut me to the core...and that I'm in uncharted territory here. I just don't know how to act or what to say. She agreed that she was in the same place - uncharted territory. She felt SO bad for lying to me about the OM being transferred and couldn't believe that she actually thought for a moment that she could get away with it. It's as if she knew that I wouldn't believe her and that she wanted to get caught in a lie. I reminded her that we are still each other's best friend and friends just don't do that to each other. THAT struck a chord within her.

She's still not sure what she wants and although it hurts to hear her say it, I know that those types of comments are to be expected. When we seriously talk about a future without our marriage, she'll look away and then say, "I don't think that's what I want."

I guess if there is one good thing about this, she is deeply involved with her work right now and it doesn't seem to give her time to think about the OM. I'm still concerned that she may see or talk to him -- and I've told her in no uncertain terms, that it would be a fatal mistake and that it would reset the clock on her withdrawal - and only extend the pain in which she has inflicted upon our marriage and our family. In fact, it is the one thing that we discuss more than anything else - no contact with the OM. I know once she gets past these first few weeks/months, we'll have plenty of time for recovery.

Thank you, everyone and especially you - Stillwed. Now, will someone please turn off this bad movie, turn on the lights and let me get back to my "real" life??

Harley suggests that a BS visit his/her doctor for a prescription of anti-depressants to help him/her deal with the painful emotions from the A. Those emotions can sabotage the efforts of the BS to help save the marriage. Have you about anti-d's?

A call to help from all my friends here in the forum - again.

Today was a very bad day. My wife told me again she wasn't in love with me, but still loved me. She's in her third week of withdrawal [D-day 3/20/03]. She says she still loves OM, although he has told her he will not continue their A. And now she tells me that there is no way she cannot avoid contact with him, since he is an integral part of the management at one of the stores she has to go to as part of her job.

We had a horrible argument, that I realize now was full of Love Busters. I told her to think about the fact that he she would have to either choose between him and our family. She said she is confused and that I am pressuring her. She said the more I talk about her staying away from him, the more she thinks about him. I am so afraid she will definitely have contact with him and set everything back. And the worst part, she is scheduled to visit his store every three weeks. This is a terrible situation, as she can't quit her job due to the financial benefits it brings to our family.

I'm really scared that this is a no-win situation.

I threatened to tell her boss about the A, a move that would surely get her fired and have her hate me. Right now, she's buried her head into her job and uses it to not think about what is going on, so to think about quitting her job to save our marriage, sounds like the last thing she'd do - although I wish she would quit her job.

We talked about her starting to read SAA, as I told her it has helped me to feel less confused and more able to understand all these crazy feelings I'm going through. She's agreed to start reading it - but not tonight, unfortunately.

She said she still holds a flame for the OM, but she knows it is wrong. She doesn't want to break up our family, but today, the emotional pull of the OM was SO strong...we both cried.

She told me over the weekend she wished it would all just go away and that she is so sorry it happened. But today, she told me she is unhappy and just wants to be happy. I told her that we've already got a good foundation for her happiness and that she just needed to give it some time. Now, I just wish I would listen to myself and have the patience of a saint.

We're both hanging in there. But, will contact with the OM doom our chances of recovery? I am trying to get her to read SAA NOW, so that she will understand that, but right now, she's just not ready.

I guess withdrawal lasts longer than 3 weeks. This is hell.