This is my first time on a message board. I had been collecting evidence for 4 months now. I had a gut feeling and guess what, my gut was right. I confronted my husband yesterday about my suspicions. He of course denied, had great excuses. I then handed him a hotel bill with a noon time check in. He still didnt come clean. Then I told him that I knew he visited a jeweler and bought her something for Christmas. He was quiet and then told me. He says he wants to go to counselling. I am extremely devestated. I have worked so hard to help him with his career and aspirations in life. I have sacrified alot of my own goals in life for him. We have a 14 year old daughter who would be crushed if she new her dad cheated. I have not told anyone, and at this point I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. His reputation would be ruined with alot of people. I feel very numb and sick to my stomach. I am not sure what to do next, or while we wait for our appointment. Do I act normally or angry or sad???? help.

Be honest about the hurt fear and frustration underneath the anger. I'm sorry you have to be here, but this is the right place to come for help. Click on the link in my signature line for my best advice about what to do next.

Thanks John, I have been pouring over this site since last night. Ironically enough while I was waiting for take out last night I was reading an old magazine and low and behold an artical about an affair was there for me to read. This site was listed and I came home and logged on. I am feeling really depressed today and so I have taken the day off work to try and do some thinking and feeling. My husband went to work today. I asked him if he was going to talk to the OW today and he said yes. I am not sure if I should broach this subject when he gets home or not. I guess it will depend if our daughter is around. She knows nothing.

I am now feeling physically ill. I am on my way to the doc's for help. I do not know how to act around my husband when he gets home tonight. I want to push his face inside his head for cheating. He says that he will not give me the details of the affair, or her name. I think I have a right to know. I invaded his privacy severely in order to obtain the proof that I needed. I tknow he is angry about this but he invaded me as well, emotionally. Is it beneficial to know all the details and who/what woman you are dealing with in a situation of affairs?? I think it is someone who he works with thought he says it is not.

Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with betrayal. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

There is a difference between private and secret. Secrecy is bad for any marriage. You have NOT invaded his privacy, but you have discovered what he had hoped to keep secret. When you do the readings suggested, you will see that there is very little that is private in a good marriage.

As for how much detail? I personally wanted ALL of it. Many, many people here found that they asked for too much detail, and knowing too much hindered recovery. Other people found that not knowing enough hindered recovery, or finding out about details after a year of recovery set them back, and felt they should have asked more in the beginning. I just don't think there is a one-size -fits-all answer. I will say that you should not ask any question unless you are sure you want a truthful answer (not that you will get one, at this point), and pretty sure WHY you want an answer. The other thing is that he is not yet prepared to be honest w/ you, so don't beat your head against a wall. Read up on Plan A.

He must tell you who it is if you are to be able to verify that contact between them has ended. If he will not tell you who she is AND end contact with her, I think you should find out (hire a PI if necessary), and inform her H, if she is married, in conjunction with the start of Plan B. But don't rush things. Read the links and books. Start Plan A. Call Harley on his radio show, if you like. See an MC, even if your H won't.

Just to add to what John said, there are some very good books that are also helpful. Dr. Harley has written some very good ones such as Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs. I've read these. I'm trying to recall some names of other books I've seen suggested, Dr. Phil's books have been recommended; Torn Asunder - auther I don't know.

I'm so sorry for your pain...those early days are the absolute pits. Hang in there as best as you can and take care of yourself in any way you can. Try to eat a little here and there and just survive....it's OKAY to do that....you have just received a tremendous shock.

If your doc can't help you with any drugs, then you might want to consider Bach Flower Remedies from the health food store. They can be helpful and there is one called Rescue Remedy that I found helpful along with Star of Bethelehem. They don't interact with any drugs so you can use them as needed even with meds.

Please do some reading...maybe start with Surviving an Affair. It gets right into it and gives good advice. If your WH is willing to write a no contact letter then they give some good advice on that. I didn't know any better when my WH wrote his and let him do it on email with complete privacy. I regret that all the time!! I should have been able to approve the letter before it went out and it should have been short and to the point.

I wish I could suggest something for your daughter. It is so hard to know whether or not to tell the children. I didn't tell mine the first time around because they were small, but I did tell my H that if he ever did it again, they'd know the whole story. Now they do know that story and they were devasted. They all wanted me to leave him immediately. I didn't and we are recovering, but it's been tough.

We are just about 2 1/2 months out from D-day and now they all come over and hang out for games and visiting just like nothing ever happened. We have two grandchildren and they bring them over for us to see a lot too. I'm really glad that they know, but our youngest is 20 now so we're in a different situation than you.

The real question is can you keep her from knowing. She's going to know somethings up if you are going to counseling and suddenly spending time privately while she's home. You need to feel at home in your own house and it's hard if you have a secret.

I hope that you find some answers here. It's a wonderful place. Forgive me for rambling...just couldn't sleep until I checked the boards in case anyone was feeling desperate!

Night...Stillwed

I really need some advice. I tried talking to my H last night. We have a counselling appt. set upf for next monday. In the mean time I am having panic/hysteria attacks with crying etc. I am having a hard time with this all. I tried talking to him last night and he said he wanted to wait until we saw the counseller. He said that we would probaby just end up arguing about this. I asked specific questions such as are you glad you were caught. He said he sort of was. He also said that OW does not live in our country, I asked where and he won't well. Another lie I suspect. He won't give me details. I told him that I feel worthless and humilidate and my self esteem is at a low. The one person I usually go to for comfort has become distant and I don't know how to take this. When he left for work this morning I pretended I was asleep. He kissed my cheek before he left. He said he will be home for dinner (usually never home in the evenings).. I also noted that he took of a watch he supposidly bought for himself and put it away in his jewlery box. He has the watch on that I gave him, something he never wears. What's up with that??

How do I get through the rest of the week pretending in front of everying that things are okay in our house?? Do I show him affection or not? In bed last night I automatically snuggled up to him a bit and he did not back off. I am getting really mixed messages. He says he has a lot on his mind as well and we will work it out at the counseller. I gave him some books with passages marked for him to read. I am not sure if he has read them yet.

I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY - Someone help me.

Get the reading going so you understand what is going on around you. Let me say, we have all been there were you are and it may seem hard to belive it now, but it does get better. The goal here is to find out whay it happened, and prevent it from happenning again. But it will take time. Your husband is in the "fog" mode right now. Basically, he is not talking, and that's all you want to do, correct? Got 100,000 questions and no one to talk to! In fact, you can not even talk about THIS with even your family & friends. So, just keep pounding the key board, we are hear and listening and until he starts listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />