When my wife was having her affair and found out that I was looking at her cell phone to see she was talking to the OM she put a lock code on it so I could not access her phone and see the calls. After she ended the affair and promised no contact with OM, I asked her to unlock her phone because I felt like we should'nt hide things from each other and it would make me feel better and she agreed to unlock her phone willingly. Just to clear my head from time to time I do look at her phone (I need valid proof that she is being honest) and last night I was shocked to see that she had returned back to locking up her phone to keep me out. What should I do? I have not said anything to her about this and wondering what I should do. Does this mean shes most likely fell off the wagon and she's back to talking to OM and does'nt want me to see it? I am so worried now cause I thought everything was well and she was not having contact with OM. HELP!

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Unfortunately I would think the chances are strong
that the affair may have restarted. Why would she put back the blocking code on the phone unless she was calling someone she did not want you to know about? She should be doing everything to regain your trust. This is a very bad sign. I would suggest that you now need to be checking everything at this point. You may wish to put spyware on your computer or possibly hire a PI.
It sounds like she is still disrespecting your feelings. What do you think she would be feeling if the roles were reversed? You need to confront the issue immediately and her answer will tell you a great deal about your recovery. If she refuses to unblock it then I would think you will have your answer. If she refuses I would think you will need to protect yourself since she may be putting your health at risk again. I wish you luck.

I also wanted to add that I have been plan A'ing since my wife had the afair till now and we are also going to MC which seems to be positive. I agree with what your saying Bryanp, but to avoid meltdown should I approach this question when we are in a MC session? She told me before that she locked her phone cause she did'nt need me acting like I was her dad and that she needed privacy but on the same token - I don't lock my phone or hide anything from her cause I have nothing to hide.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

I have to tell you that this is the classic response by a wayward wife. It must come from a manual of cheating wifes. They will always use the argument that you are being controlling which serves to justify their affairs. She lost her right to privacy when she engaged in a sexual affair with another man and broke her marriage vows. The old saying "no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change" comes into play here. Having an unblocked phone is the consequences to her cheating on you. She is the one that is causing the problem.
Don't buy into that "too controlling" smokescreen that is all too common. What if she said I want to leave for a weekend but I don't want to tell you where I am going because it my right to have privacy? Look she engaged in her affair by use of the phone and destroyed your trust and self-esteem. It is the very very least she can do by unblocking the phone code. If she is allowed to do this then she will be allowed to hide anything and everything she wants by simply saying you are too controlling. She has sex with another man and is upset that she does not have all of the privacy she wants? What is wrong with this picture? Again if the roles were reversed and you said "Honey I am sorry that I cheated on you and had sex with my female lover but I am keeping a block code on my phone which is how I stayed in contact with her previously because I do not want to feel that you are acting like my mother" - how would you feel. I am afraid actions speak louder than words. I think it sounds very suspicious. It seems like she feels that you will accept anything to stay in the marriage so she feels she can do and say anything and you will accept it.

BryanP, Man you could'nt have hit the nail more squarley on the head I agree with you 100% and that's been one of my concerns all along is that she is taking advantage of the good willed person I am and thinks she can get away with murder. I mean look at all I am having to accept. She did have sex with another man and she did destroy me on multiple levels. Now I am trying to be a good guy, I am trying to meet all of her EN's to 110% of my ablity and give her all the space I can but things like this just destroy all that we have built up since we agreed we would work this out. I feel like she is not attracted to me at all or I get very strong feelings that she is not. It's hard for me to think she even would be at this point. I've told her all along is all I want is the truth and that hiding things is worse to me that just delivering the god honest truth. I don't want to have games played on me and I feel this is another game.

Again do you think it's better for me to bring this up in next weeks MC session which would allow me to avoid a explosion situation that we get in if an issue like this comes up and I could have some backing or should I approach her ASAP about this?

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

This is a tough question. She will use the same arguments in marriage counseling that she will use with you individually. She is playing a mind game with you and it sounds like she is indeed taking advantage of your good nature. I would ask myself what is it do you really want? If she continues to be dishonest with you then what is the point? It is her choice to lie, cheat and be dishonest with you. It is also your choice to accept or not accept this behavior. I have observed that many times (not always) a cheating wife will treat the betrayed husband as a doormat if the husband is too nice and accepting of her behavior. The cheating spouse feels she has all of the power and finds the betrayed spouse is not appealing and exciting as her lovers. How can she respect you if she is allowed to walk all over you?
I guess I would not be able to wait for myself.
I would say her behavior is unacceptable after what she has done and that if she continues to hurt your recovery by not being open and honest then you will not support her actions. Again ask yourself why you wish to stay with someone who cheats on you and refuses to be honest and open with you and tries to shift the blame on you for being too controlling? She is not the only one who can control your marriage. Only you can decide how much you are willing to endure for someone who seemingly does not appreciate or respect you that much. Again no consequesnces to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.