Today I asked H if he felt like he was really working on the marriage. He said "No, not really." He said we are both just trying to do our day-to-day tasks and we don't give our relationship enough time. My thought was 'speak for yourself' as I feel like I am always thinking, working, reading about the marriage and how to fix it. It's only been 9 weeks since Dday but I still feel like he his not working hard enough to fix things. I made him leave home for 2 days last week but let him come back. I want him home with me and my son, but I also want him to put forth more of an effort. What should I do? I don't feel desperate. I feel tired of trying and like I am starting to not care what happens with the marriage. What is the next step I should take to get a reaction from him? Any ideas. There are no OW involved anymore. Is it drastic to make him leave for awhile or should I be more patient?

Did it ever occur to you that he may not want to work out the marriage but also won't leave cause of the fear of you being with someone else and raising his children without him. Sounds a little simiular to my situation. I'm beginning to now realize both have to put forth effort if the marriage is going to be salvaged not just you.

Well, he says he wants too. I have asked him why he wants to be with me and he says he loves me. When I made him leave and he came back he said he knows he doesn't want to be alone "like his dad." That scared me because he didn't say he wanted to be with me, he said he didn't want to be alone. So yes, the thought has crossed my mind.

Heya, B&P --

I know you want your H to work hard on your marriage. At the same time, it looks to me like there must be some things that are deep in your marriage that are troubling to him. (Otherwise the one-night stands wouldn't have repeated.)

It may take a huge amount of courage for him to admit those things to himself, to tell you about them, and then for the two of you to start to try to address them. Nine weeks probably feels like eternity to you. I know it does to me! But if you compare it to a marriage of 30 or 40 or 50 years, it's nothing.

So keep doing what you're doing. One thing that I find is very helpful for me is to find, each and -every- day, things to appreciate my partner for. No matter how awful the day has been, I find that there's always at least one thing that I can honestly say I was glad she did.

Maybe it was making dinner the night that I was too exhausted and stressed to even think about it. Maybe it was a hug. Maybe it was a kind word. Maybe it was just an interaction where we were both able to laugh.

And then, when I've found those things, I tell her about them. Every single night before we go to bed. If she goes to bed before me, I e-mail them to her or write her a card. But I don't skip.

It can be frustrating, too, on the days when you desperately want so much more than you're getting. I know I find it very hard to accept it. But your husband (and my partner) are still deep in their own distress, despair, and sadness. Hurtful though it is to us, it's still worth remembering how they feel, and finding some empathy for them.

J of HJK,
Thank you for your response. You are right. My H #1 EN is admiration and I must acknowledge more of what he does do. One thing that is confusing though is that he says that I always said he was my prince charming and he felt like he had to live up to that. I thought this man was so great & wonderful! He led a secret life which I knew nothing about. Had secret email accounts, acted differently at work than with me, etc. So if he thought that I thought that he was so great - isn't that admiration coming from me? Last night, we read alot about Sexual Addiction and believe that he has a mild case of this. So it has shed some light on to some of the reasons that he did what he did. Anyway, thanks for your advice! I tried it today by emailing him at work telling him how much I appreciated the card he bought me yesterday.

Hiya, B&P, sorry to take so long to respond. I've been busy with other things (work, relationship, housework, yard work...) and haven't had much time to read here.

What I was suggesting was that you -both- do this, taking turns saying what you appreciated that day. Yes, it's probably really important for you, given that admiration is so important to you. But it's important for a lot of other reasons, too. In situations like we're in, one of the hardest things is finding anything good in it. But it helps a huge amount when you can.