I am new to MB, and have been reading alot of the posts here, and I need help! Let me start with some backgoround, We have been together 23 years, Married for 22. I am 41 she is 45, we have 2 wonderful daughters, and we both love them dearly! We both agree that for 20 years we had the perfect marriage. I was always her best friend and she was always mine!

But things have been strained the past couple of years, according to her, I called her a different name while making love to her, this happened about 2 years ago. She told me the name, to be honest I dont even know anyone by that name. I asked her why she didn't say anything, and she said she didn't know how to? This lack of communication has never been a problem before. She was crying and then told me that she had a physical affair, in order to get back at me because she thought I was having one. She told me who it was and told me that it was over with. I sat there for a long time, I didn't know what to do.....After this thought process I told her that I forgave her, and that we can work through this, That I love her. She began crying even harder, and said she didn't know how I could look at her.... I told her that I love her, and that we could work it out. She told me that she was not in love with me anymore, but she wanted to give it one last try. I said one last try, I didn't even know that she had been trying! Then she pointed out some of the things she had been doing, but that I had not been recipricating. She was right, I was not meeting her emotional needs! I need to explain what was happening in our life during this period of time. I work in law enforcement, and I was getting close to retirement, so we discussed it, and decide to open a business. During this time, I was working my full time job, from 5:30am to 3:00pm, and running the store from 3:00 pm, until 9:00 pm. Trying to make a better life for us. I know now that my prioities changed, I didn't mean for them to, but they did and she was right. I offered to close the store, she said no that she wanted to see it continue to grow. So we talked more and we decided to close the store at 6:00pm, and that I would be home when she got home from work, that we would have dinner again like a family and that I would also close on Sunday so we could spend time together. I did these things that day.

So I am home, I am helping around the house, I sent her flowers gave her a card telling her how much I love her, and began to try and show her affection..hugs, little kisses, telling her that I love her....things like that. But she said I was smothering her. But as the week is going on, I notice that she is talking on her cell phone alot, and that she closes the computer screen when I come into the room. I began to suspect that she was still seeing someone. I am a computer technician by trade, and although I am ashamed to admit it I began to trap our computer to see what she was doing, I also began to check the cell phone bill to see who she was calling. I found out that she was still having an affair, but with a different guy, someone she was working with. I became very despondant, and even suicidal. But I had enough wits about me to contact my departments EAP program, for help. I saw a counselor, and had 2 marathon sessions, just to get over my tendancies. I decided that I needed to confront her about what was going on, and she admitted that she had "male" friends. But would not own up to the EA. The only thing I asked was that she not see him in that way, and that we could still work it out. I wanted to desperatly save our marriage (and still do). She told me that she could not promise that, but that she wanted to try and work things out with me. We had both been going out seperatly on Friday nights for a little while, me more than her, but in recent times she had begun to go out with co-workers on friday more and more. It was not a concern with me, as I trusted her completly. I had stopped going out on friday about 2 weeks before this and was staying home, she siad she was not ready to stop her fridays and that she was still going to go out. On the Third friday, I asked her to stay home, and thjat we would do something. Our daughters even asked her to stay home, but she decided that she wanted to go out. To get to the point with this, I suspected that she was seeing him, and her e-mails confirmed it. So this continued for 3 weeks, and I sat down and talked to her. I asked her what she would do, if I was doing this to her, and she said she would throw me out, I told her, that she couldn't throw me out, as it was my house also. She replied I would ask you to leave. So I suggested that she take her own advice, I told her that I didn't want her to leave but that I could not just sit back and allow her to continue doing what she was doing. So the choice was him or us (meaning the family) I truely thought she would choose us. I left it like that. Saturday, we had an alright day we did things together, I told her how much I love her, and how much I wanted to make her happy, and that I know I could. Sunday started out good, but went bad early in the afternoon, she told me that she was going to stay at her parents house (they were not home, they are snowbirds and stay in FL for the winter) that she needed time to decide what she wanted to do. She moved out 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She wanted me to give her space. I told her that I was here for her, and that although I do not agree with what she is doing I would respect what she asks for. That I love her, and that I would be here for her. Since then our contact is limited to things we have to do, bills, taxes, the kids...etc. I know that she continues to talk to the OM by the cell phone records, but she insits that she has backed off the relationship.

I know that this letter sounds like I am composed, but I am really a wreck! I have lost around 50 lbs, and I am sad all the time. I just want my best friend back, the woman that I love. I don't know what to do, and I feel very lost! Please someone help me!

Bobby

You need a plan of attack. The link in my signature line will give you the tools you need to formulate one. I know you have read some of it before. Re-read it, in order.

You probably need to be in Plan A mode, though her leaving will make that harder, but not at all impossible. You got to play the hand you are dealt.

You need to look seriously at the emotional needs stuff - probably buy "His Needs, Her Needs", and read it, because I am guessing your efforts at showing love to her were a little off target. Everyone wants love expressed to them in a slightly different way. Reading about the "typical woman" may be helpful, or not, but even if she is atypical (like my wife) just understanding that way of thinking and reflecting back on your dating years and when she seemed "in love" with you may be helpful. It is likely her primary love language (See Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages") is time, so one of her top EN's may be recreational companionship, which is typically a guy thing. It may be hard for you to determine based on recent experience, because when someone is involved in an EA or PA, they are turned away from you, and not really in a receptive state of mind, so the changes you made to your schedule to spend more time with her may not have been very effective for that reason. Or, I could be wrong - the best way to tell is to think back on your history. Another way is to ask her what attracted her to you in the first place, if she will answer that. Thinking back to those days will really conflict with how she is looking at the world right now. That exercise alone has sometimes provoked people to come out of withdrawal and work on their marriage (though not very often when an affair is involved).

Thanks, I have ordered his needs her needs, and anxiously await its arrival. It is just very hard, I don't know what to do, I am trying to do what she asks and just leave her alone, but that seems to be wrong to me. How can we reconnect if we are not spending time together???? Or we don't even discuss it! I feel so helpless, and empty inside!

Dear Bobby,

In times like this we don't think of the obvious so I'll remind you...some of the books you have on order might be available at your local library. That way you can get into them right away and find some comfort. I feel for you...hang in there!

Stillwed

Thanks, I will look into that. I am so scared at the moment, I feel lost. I just don't know what to do. I am having a real bad day....Its my daughters birthday, I don't know but I think she is still going out woth the OM and Friday night is the hardest. Just don't know what to do....I am lost, and sad all the time. nothing seems to help......

In my opinion, you have enabled her to continue her affair(s). Her excuse for having an affair sounds like bull****. You need to go to Plan B. Protect yourself by cancelling your joint account and any credits cards in both of your names. She needs to see that you are ready to move on without her. Only when she sees that you don't care anymore what she does than she is going to start worrying about you not taking her back if/when her affair ends.

I appreciate what you are saying, but I feel that I need to put more effort into plan at the moment. I have already given thought to some of the things you suggest, as far as protecting myself. But she is still putting her pay into the joint account and we are still maintaining a household. I guess what I am really asking for is a way to make plan A workable when she is not at home. Last night was tough, it was my eldest daughtes B'day and we had cake and coffe, she came naturally, but it made for an uncomfortable evening. WHen she was leaving, she cried a little and gave me a hug, she told me that she did love me and care for me. I told her that I loved her and that I was here. I am not sure but I took that to be a good sign. I am sure that she has been in contact with him since, but to what extent I do not know. I may be enabling at the moment, but I think, I need to give her the space she has asked for. Am I making a mistake? I don't know. All I know is that I love her with all my heart, and I want her back!